Calling it a night in a few minutes. Trying to out sleep the virus. No voice yet. Wow. This trend of me losing my voice with every virus has got to go. The irony of me losing my voice the morning after my voice doctor told me it was in good shape is not lost on me.
"Life," as Marvin the depressed robot says, "loathe it or ignore it. You can't like it." May you like your 2012. Thanks for making this blog worth doing.
Cheers!
A little blog about Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The end of a very long year
I've already ran the highlights of the year down for you. But I'm still on about it. Probably 'cause I'm sick. I shouldn't whine so much, I'm almost never sick, as in sick with a virus. My health issues are typically chronic in nature.
But, being sick is clearly insult to injury! Like everybody else, we have a big list of commitments that are now having to be adjusted or cancelled. I dislike that intensely! And feeling really bad is no great shakes, either.
We realized at Christmas our oven was dreadfully overdue to be cleaned (self cleaning cycle). So, since I could not go along to a New Year's lunch at my dad's, I told Mark (Ok, I typed to Mark as I'm voiceless-again) I'd run the cycle while they were gone. Big mistake! The toxic smoke and smell are not improving my breathing and coughing. I think this virus is dampening some of my brain cells.
I think the worst of the smoke is over, but yuck, it smells awful in there! One of my resolutions is to clean it more often. I've had an idea for awhile, a perpetual calendar, for the house. Make a list of those odd chores one never thinks about and should be done (draining the water heater, washing the windows, clearly cleaning the oven), and divide them by 12. Thankfully, my husband is in on this, as he's the one that has to do all the muscle work around here.
I hope I'm not boring you! I'm trying to keep my mind off the acrid fumes and my upper respiratory ailment. :)
Could it be coincidence I woke up sick the morning after I pledged to make an effort to be more positive? I think not. It's hard to feel positive when one's sick and is having to let people down by canceling commitments--and worrying about pending travel (Orcas Island Monday), and the preparation for such.
With my chronic illness issue, I do work hard. And I accomplish a lot. I also do tend to take things harder than a "normal" would, especially interpersonal things. "Normal" people tend to be busier, have a broader life. I think of mine as rather small, but deep.
These things make friendship often hard for me. It's difficult to find people who understand. I mean really understand. I treasure the ones who do. I'm grateful to God for bringing some people into my life who "get" me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In moments of frustration, I wonder why anybody would bother. I come with a lot of baggage.
But, before I ramble endlessly on a toxic fume jag, I'll end with something heavy. Do not read ahead if you're not up for heavy. .... .....
You have been warned. I want to feel less sorry for myself. No, I'm not bad for that, but sometimes...I am. I think it's not fair I have to struggle so much with pain, illness, and weight. It doesn't seem right to me! But, I also know I have so much to be grateful for, and I need to keep my mind on that.
An acquaintance told me something recently, something that's both stuck with me, and haunted me a bit. Her little niece died a few years ago. Seven years old, and she died of cancer. The woman I know was telling me of her own guilt, should she have done more? Should she have taken her daughter over there to see her cousin more? Stuff like that.
She said the little girl died in September, and that she wanted Christmas one more time, so her parents decorated the house for Christmas for her right before she died. In the days leading up to her death, besides one more Christmas, she just wanted to go shopping one more time. So her Daddy carried her withered frame through Wal-Mart so she could look at the aisles.
That is real grief. That is real tragedy. And who the hell am I to whine about physical pain that's not fatal? Yes, it wears me down, and it's hard. Sometimes my emotions are effected in a weird way, a way I can tell is physiological. And when that happens, I try not to take myself too seriously.
But compared to the grief of losing a child, a husband, a wife, my problems are trifling. Please forgive me for dwelling on them. And thank you for reading. May we all see beauty and good in the year to come. Happy New Year!
But, being sick is clearly insult to injury! Like everybody else, we have a big list of commitments that are now having to be adjusted or cancelled. I dislike that intensely! And feeling really bad is no great shakes, either.
We realized at Christmas our oven was dreadfully overdue to be cleaned (self cleaning cycle). So, since I could not go along to a New Year's lunch at my dad's, I told Mark (Ok, I typed to Mark as I'm voiceless-again) I'd run the cycle while they were gone. Big mistake! The toxic smoke and smell are not improving my breathing and coughing. I think this virus is dampening some of my brain cells.
I think the worst of the smoke is over, but yuck, it smells awful in there! One of my resolutions is to clean it more often. I've had an idea for awhile, a perpetual calendar, for the house. Make a list of those odd chores one never thinks about and should be done (draining the water heater, washing the windows, clearly cleaning the oven), and divide them by 12. Thankfully, my husband is in on this, as he's the one that has to do all the muscle work around here.
I hope I'm not boring you! I'm trying to keep my mind off the acrid fumes and my upper respiratory ailment. :)
Could it be coincidence I woke up sick the morning after I pledged to make an effort to be more positive? I think not. It's hard to feel positive when one's sick and is having to let people down by canceling commitments--and worrying about pending travel (Orcas Island Monday), and the preparation for such.
With my chronic illness issue, I do work hard. And I accomplish a lot. I also do tend to take things harder than a "normal" would, especially interpersonal things. "Normal" people tend to be busier, have a broader life. I think of mine as rather small, but deep.
These things make friendship often hard for me. It's difficult to find people who understand. I mean really understand. I treasure the ones who do. I'm grateful to God for bringing some people into my life who "get" me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In moments of frustration, I wonder why anybody would bother. I come with a lot of baggage.
But, before I ramble endlessly on a toxic fume jag, I'll end with something heavy. Do not read ahead if you're not up for heavy. .... .....
You have been warned. I want to feel less sorry for myself. No, I'm not bad for that, but sometimes...I am. I think it's not fair I have to struggle so much with pain, illness, and weight. It doesn't seem right to me! But, I also know I have so much to be grateful for, and I need to keep my mind on that.
An acquaintance told me something recently, something that's both stuck with me, and haunted me a bit. Her little niece died a few years ago. Seven years old, and she died of cancer. The woman I know was telling me of her own guilt, should she have done more? Should she have taken her daughter over there to see her cousin more? Stuff like that.
She said the little girl died in September, and that she wanted Christmas one more time, so her parents decorated the house for Christmas for her right before she died. In the days leading up to her death, besides one more Christmas, she just wanted to go shopping one more time. So her Daddy carried her withered frame through Wal-Mart so she could look at the aisles.
That is real grief. That is real tragedy. And who the hell am I to whine about physical pain that's not fatal? Yes, it wears me down, and it's hard. Sometimes my emotions are effected in a weird way, a way I can tell is physiological. And when that happens, I try not to take myself too seriously.
But compared to the grief of losing a child, a husband, a wife, my problems are trifling. Please forgive me for dwelling on them. And thank you for reading. May we all see beauty and good in the year to come. Happy New Year!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Going to bed
My "sick" feeling is better, but even my croak has gone missing. I'm vacillating between being calm, and figuring this will go away soon, to OMGOMGOMG! Three months with no voice has left me very gun shy. Sort of like after my pregnancy where I had a migraine for seven months continuously. It was years before I'd not freak out at the slightest headache.
Well....
...at least my extra high pain level and feeling vaguely bummed makes sense now! I was afflicted with a virus.
Boy, does this stink. We had to cancel our once a year visit with out of state relatives (they come up at Christmas each year). :( And I was supposed to lead the service at church Sunday--but I have no voice. Totally trying not to freak out about that. It's unlikely it'll be gone for weeks or months again, but what if...?
I feel super bad, too. I'll spare you the laundry list, but I feel pretty lousy from head to foot. And now Mark's leaving for work!
Boy, does this stink. We had to cancel our once a year visit with out of state relatives (they come up at Christmas each year). :( And I was supposed to lead the service at church Sunday--but I have no voice. Totally trying not to freak out about that. It's unlikely it'll be gone for weeks or months again, but what if...?
I feel super bad, too. I'll spare you the laundry list, but I feel pretty lousy from head to foot. And now Mark's leaving for work!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2012: The Year of Enough
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. ~Brooks Atkinson
The end of 2011. Goodbye! It wasn’t 2009 bad, but it was not one of the better ones. I weigh 40 pounds more than I did a year ago. That is impressive in itself, but you much figure in I lost over 20 pounds more than that before the massive gain. So I lost 25 or so, gained 60. And I gained the 60 over the last 6 months. That is not normal. Nor is it healthy. But it is heartbreaking and frightening.
I’ve been pursuing more medical testing. I just got the last bit from Dr. Nice done. I see him in a month and we’ll go over all the results. Prior to that, the same day, I have a cortisol challenge test, which promises to be unpleasant. But if it tells us what we need to know, it’ll be worth it.
Right now I’m in a lot of pain. Yesterday and today we were in Seattle getting tests. One test to wrap up Dr. Nice’s orders, and a follow up about my voice. It seems there’s some lasting damage from the virus, which he says is odd in someone my age. Welcome to my life. But, I can talk. That has to be enough.
More back surgery this past year. Yeah, another unsuccessful back surgery. Losing my voice for three months. The 80 pound weight merry-go-round from hell. I just wanna be normal!
But it’s not all been bad, of course. My husband graduated. Our daughter is a daily sense of joy and wonder for us. There’s music, and laughter, and love. There’s a hand up when you’re face down on the ground thinking, I can’t do this. It seems the hard, the painful, and the black accentuates the lovely, the good, and the rainbows. Sometimes it’s hard to see it through the pain. But it’s there.
I hope to make some changes this next year. I am trying to be cognizant of the fact most of my plans don’t work out, as I can’t control what my body does. I did all the hard work to lose that #105 pounds. And I can say from my heart it’s not my fault what happened after. Same with exercise goals, etc. I can only do what I can do. And I try REALLY hard. But it’s so often not enough.
I guess that’s part of my goals for the new year, keep working hard, but don’t let my happiness and sense of satisfaction be wholly tied up in the outcome. There’s so much that *could* happen in 2012—maybe I get a diagnosis and the weight and other serious problems go away?! Maybe my back gets better? Maybe both and by the end of next year, a second child? (Ok, don’t laugh. I know I’m 42 and change but I can still put asses in the seats, baby! Maybe. Ok, you can laugh. I am.)
But, as much as it makes me sad, probably not. Probably none of it. But like I said, I can only do what I do now, which is try really hard. That has to be enough.
There are a couple of relationships in my life that make me sad. I feel like Charlie Brown to their Lucy with the football. But again, it leads to the same conclusion: me trying really hard isn’t enough. I’ve never been good at letting go. Frankly, I suck at it.
So, what to do then? Write out my goals and dreams for 2012, and then let them go. One of my main goals is to, as an act of will, focus on the good. There’s so much good. As I type this, faces and images drift lazily through my mind. With all my damaged brokenness, pain, and…special needs…people love me! And I love people—with my whole heart. That has to be enough.
Thank you God, for the people. Ok, 2012…bring it!
The end of 2011. Goodbye! It wasn’t 2009 bad, but it was not one of the better ones. I weigh 40 pounds more than I did a year ago. That is impressive in itself, but you much figure in I lost over 20 pounds more than that before the massive gain. So I lost 25 or so, gained 60. And I gained the 60 over the last 6 months. That is not normal. Nor is it healthy. But it is heartbreaking and frightening.
I’ve been pursuing more medical testing. I just got the last bit from Dr. Nice done. I see him in a month and we’ll go over all the results. Prior to that, the same day, I have a cortisol challenge test, which promises to be unpleasant. But if it tells us what we need to know, it’ll be worth it.
Right now I’m in a lot of pain. Yesterday and today we were in Seattle getting tests. One test to wrap up Dr. Nice’s orders, and a follow up about my voice. It seems there’s some lasting damage from the virus, which he says is odd in someone my age. Welcome to my life. But, I can talk. That has to be enough.
More back surgery this past year. Yeah, another unsuccessful back surgery. Losing my voice for three months. The 80 pound weight merry-go-round from hell. I just wanna be normal!
But it’s not all been bad, of course. My husband graduated. Our daughter is a daily sense of joy and wonder for us. There’s music, and laughter, and love. There’s a hand up when you’re face down on the ground thinking, I can’t do this. It seems the hard, the painful, and the black accentuates the lovely, the good, and the rainbows. Sometimes it’s hard to see it through the pain. But it’s there.
I hope to make some changes this next year. I am trying to be cognizant of the fact most of my plans don’t work out, as I can’t control what my body does. I did all the hard work to lose that #105 pounds. And I can say from my heart it’s not my fault what happened after. Same with exercise goals, etc. I can only do what I can do. And I try REALLY hard. But it’s so often not enough.
I guess that’s part of my goals for the new year, keep working hard, but don’t let my happiness and sense of satisfaction be wholly tied up in the outcome. There’s so much that *could* happen in 2012—maybe I get a diagnosis and the weight and other serious problems go away?! Maybe my back gets better? Maybe both and by the end of next year, a second child? (Ok, don’t laugh. I know I’m 42 and change but I can still put asses in the seats, baby! Maybe. Ok, you can laugh. I am.)
But, as much as it makes me sad, probably not. Probably none of it. But like I said, I can only do what I do now, which is try really hard. That has to be enough.
There are a couple of relationships in my life that make me sad. I feel like Charlie Brown to their Lucy with the football. But again, it leads to the same conclusion: me trying really hard isn’t enough. I’ve never been good at letting go. Frankly, I suck at it.
So, what to do then? Write out my goals and dreams for 2012, and then let them go. One of my main goals is to, as an act of will, focus on the good. There’s so much good. As I type this, faces and images drift lazily through my mind. With all my damaged brokenness, pain, and…special needs…people love me! And I love people—with my whole heart. That has to be enough.
Thank you God, for the people. Ok, 2012…bring it!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Feeling empowered
I called and spoke to the patient representative at Dr. AH's hospital. I doubt anything will come of it, but I take comfort knowing it goes into his file. And if enough people he victimizes come forward, maybe something will happen. But, I've done what I could to try and stop him from treating other people badly, so there you have it.
One more thing
I was gaining 2# per week eating NO scarbs (simple carbs). Screw that. Right now, I'm letting myself enjoy some *(^^^ chocolate. I'm making sure I curb the urge to eat as anesthesia, 'cause dude, it doesn't help.
But I'm trying to be a little kinder to myself right now. We won't know anything for a month (at least) about the cortisol problem investigation. So, I figure a little chocolate from sweet friends isn't a sin.
But I'm trying to be a little kinder to myself right now. We won't know anything for a month (at least) about the cortisol problem investigation. So, I figure a little chocolate from sweet friends isn't a sin.
1X: You again....
....and I'm NOT happy to see you! I was happy to be in an off the rack XL. And I had gotten rid of most of my 1Xes. Drat! Most of my smaller clothes still fit, albeit not as well. But, I did cave and buy a few new pieces. Penneys had a kickin' sale, and I had a coupon. Even so, I so believed the hcg "cured" me.
It did not.
It's going to be at least a month (I think) before I get the test results. I am now officially emotionally wed to the idea of it being a cortisol problem. It just seems to fit so well! Whatever *it* is, I'm not enjoying the odd symptoms that sometimes accompany the insane weight gain. For one, I randomly shake. It's not super obvious, but I feel it. It feels like the chills. And, occasionally, I burst out in weird sweat (TMI?). It's not comfortable. And it's not menopausal stuff. The numbers and cycle regularity don't support it.
I had two great visits with girlfriends today, one new friend, and one friend I've had for awhile. It totally cheered me up. Girl time is the best. :)
It did not.
It's going to be at least a month (I think) before I get the test results. I am now officially emotionally wed to the idea of it being a cortisol problem. It just seems to fit so well! Whatever *it* is, I'm not enjoying the odd symptoms that sometimes accompany the insane weight gain. For one, I randomly shake. It's not super obvious, but I feel it. It feels like the chills. And, occasionally, I burst out in weird sweat (TMI?). It's not comfortable. And it's not menopausal stuff. The numbers and cycle regularity don't support it.
I had two great visits with girlfriends today, one new friend, and one friend I've had for awhile. It totally cheered me up. Girl time is the best. :)
Friday, December 16, 2011
What is up?
Another person I barely know decided to offer "help" (say stupid things) and "advice" (say stupid things) about health issues. Crikey! And it's not that I'm asking for advice and being annoyed by it. I'M NOT ASKING! Thankfully most healthy people don't feel the need to lecture people with chronic health issues about it, but the ones who do.... I think this is where having a real, concrete diagnosis can be helpful. People aren't going to tell somebody with something like lupus (as a random example) to just buck up and put on a happy face, that their attitude is "so important."
I'll tell you, my attitude would be a LOT better if people would show some compassion and common sense before they launch into this stuff. This is largely why I consider my FRIENDS (capitals on purpose) to be few and far between. Being so...odd...does by its nature set me apart. So if you're my friend, consider yourself special, and thank you.
Argh! Ok, shake it off... Anyway, I finished and sent in my testing. I have a couple of more tests over the next month. One is a simple lab test, but one our simple lab does not do. So that one will have to happen when we're in Seattle for my vocal cord follow up in a couple of weeks. Kind of a pain, as we'll have to travel further away, back into the No Man's Land that is Redmond for us, but at least it's by a Panera Bread.
The other one is probably the definitive test for what I've been pursuing, what I think is a probable adrenal disorder. That one I have to take medication every six hours (religiously) for a couple of days, then go to the lab in Seattle (at 8:00 a.m., mind you) where they'll do...something...for an hour (Don't really want to know at this point, I'm worried enough.). While I'm over there for that one, we'll also go see Dr. Nice, for by that point all my exotic testing will be done and processed. Then I suppose we'll get some answers? I just hope they're answers that explain not only my fatigue and other weird things, but for me, right up there with the back pain is my weight (Ah, I'd pretty much have to get around to that on this blog, eh?).
I cancelled my hcg round for January. That is not compatible with the other lab testing. And I feel peace about it--not to be confused with happy about it. When I stopped by the doctor's office to talk to the receptionist and pick up my vitamins, I saw the hcg doc. I was not happy to see her. I still resent what I feel is mishandling of my case, and being overcharged. The doc she took over for did a much better job.
But resentment never helped anyone. It's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. She tried, I'm sure. It's just hard to be the one percent of the one percent.
I'll tell you, my attitude would be a LOT better if people would show some compassion and common sense before they launch into this stuff. This is largely why I consider my FRIENDS (capitals on purpose) to be few and far between. Being so...odd...does by its nature set me apart. So if you're my friend, consider yourself special, and thank you.
Argh! Ok, shake it off... Anyway, I finished and sent in my testing. I have a couple of more tests over the next month. One is a simple lab test, but one our simple lab does not do. So that one will have to happen when we're in Seattle for my vocal cord follow up in a couple of weeks. Kind of a pain, as we'll have to travel further away, back into the No Man's Land that is Redmond for us, but at least it's by a Panera Bread.
The other one is probably the definitive test for what I've been pursuing, what I think is a probable adrenal disorder. That one I have to take medication every six hours (religiously) for a couple of days, then go to the lab in Seattle (at 8:00 a.m., mind you) where they'll do...something...for an hour (Don't really want to know at this point, I'm worried enough.). While I'm over there for that one, we'll also go see Dr. Nice, for by that point all my exotic testing will be done and processed. Then I suppose we'll get some answers? I just hope they're answers that explain not only my fatigue and other weird things, but for me, right up there with the back pain is my weight (Ah, I'd pretty much have to get around to that on this blog, eh?).
I cancelled my hcg round for January. That is not compatible with the other lab testing. And I feel peace about it--not to be confused with happy about it. When I stopped by the doctor's office to talk to the receptionist and pick up my vitamins, I saw the hcg doc. I was not happy to see her. I still resent what I feel is mishandling of my case, and being overcharged. The doc she took over for did a much better job.
But resentment never helped anyone. It's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. She tried, I'm sure. It's just hard to be the one percent of the one percent.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I'm released from tyranny (from now)
Now that the peeing in the hat is over, I can get back to a life of urination freedom we Americans take for granted.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The difficulty of invisible illness...
...is that nobody sees it. And, humans are prone to discount what they can't see.
So last night I was standing by this woman I've known for years (not known well, but known consistently as our daughters have danced together since they were four). She knows about my back pain, and has recently shown an interest as she's had back pain for a couple of weeks (it's improving).
So she asks me if I've tried pain management mind techniques, etc. (Dude, I've tried it all.) I mentioned I'm not a huge believer in it. She said, WHY? I'm SUCH a believer in the mind-body connection...it's soooo valuable... If one can just adjust their mind...blah blah blah... I've had the lecture before. And while it's hurtful (and ignorant), I've learned just to shut up. Trying to justify and/or explain myself does no good; it just digs a bigger chasm between me and whomever is preaching to me. They don't understand. They apparently can't understand: the healthy rarely can.
But, this one had a better conversation ender than most of this type. While I stood there stoically, watching our kids finish up their class, she added, Then again, if somebody said that to me two weeks ago when I was REALLY hurting, I would have wanted to sock them. I smiled benignly at her and said, That's why my arms are crossed.
So last night I was standing by this woman I've known for years (not known well, but known consistently as our daughters have danced together since they were four). She knows about my back pain, and has recently shown an interest as she's had back pain for a couple of weeks (it's improving).
So she asks me if I've tried pain management mind techniques, etc. (Dude, I've tried it all.) I mentioned I'm not a huge believer in it. She said, WHY? I'm SUCH a believer in the mind-body connection...it's soooo valuable... If one can just adjust their mind...blah blah blah... I've had the lecture before. And while it's hurtful (and ignorant), I've learned just to shut up. Trying to justify and/or explain myself does no good; it just digs a bigger chasm between me and whomever is preaching to me. They don't understand. They apparently can't understand: the healthy rarely can.
But, this one had a better conversation ender than most of this type. While I stood there stoically, watching our kids finish up their class, she added, Then again, if somebody said that to me two weeks ago when I was REALLY hurting, I would have wanted to sock them. I smiled benignly at her and said, That's why my arms are crossed.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Winding down
Anna and I are in the last week of school 'til January. Yay! It's week 14 and we're ready to be done. We're doing a short week, so that's a good thing. We have lots of Christmas puttering to attend to, as well as reading by the fire, sipping cups of tea or cider.
Last night during her dance class, I walked through town to the ice cream store to pick up the gift cards for the teen/tween helpers who work at our church nursery. That's the last time I'll be doing that! My two terms are up, and like Queen Amidala, I'm relieved.
It'll be kind of weird and a bit sad to not be in charge of it anymore. It's been over four years (my predecessor gave it over to me some time before her term ended). I've put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into the position. But, it will be nice to have somebody else stress over the nursery scheduling and staffing!
My final board meeting is tomorrow night (thought it was next week--ack!). The board is filled with good people whom I enjoy spending time with, but again, nice to have one big thing off my plate. The last four years I've done this A LOT has happened. I lost two babies, one mother, and 100 pounds (and gained back 50). I have educated my academically gifted daughter and helped my husband finish graduate school. I'M TIRED. And, I have more uphill, rugged road ahead of me as I try to find out and fix what's wrong with me physically.
It's time to move on and let somebody else paddle the canoe at church for awhile. But, I'm not giving it all up. There's still VBS. :)
Last night during her dance class, I walked through town to the ice cream store to pick up the gift cards for the teen/tween helpers who work at our church nursery. That's the last time I'll be doing that! My two terms are up, and like Queen Amidala, I'm relieved.
It'll be kind of weird and a bit sad to not be in charge of it anymore. It's been over four years (my predecessor gave it over to me some time before her term ended). I've put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into the position. But, it will be nice to have somebody else stress over the nursery scheduling and staffing!
My final board meeting is tomorrow night (thought it was next week--ack!). The board is filled with good people whom I enjoy spending time with, but again, nice to have one big thing off my plate. The last four years I've done this A LOT has happened. I lost two babies, one mother, and 100 pounds (and gained back 50). I have educated my academically gifted daughter and helped my husband finish graduate school. I'M TIRED. And, I have more uphill, rugged road ahead of me as I try to find out and fix what's wrong with me physically.
It's time to move on and let somebody else paddle the canoe at church for awhile. But, I'm not giving it all up. There's still VBS. :)
Hello Germany and Russia (and other stuff)
Distant kinsmen--I salute you! :} Thanks for reading.
Well, I heard from the New Hotness doctor's office yesterday afternoon. Since the current doctor is abdicating in a week, they just can't fit me in this calendar year (bummer). But I have an expensive--I mean--extensive work up scheduled in January. :( Totally sucks for our deductible. But we can't see any other way but forward. I just hope it SHOWS something.
I also started the complicated testing from Nice Doctor. Having to saturate a huge cotton ball under my tongue makes me gag just thinking about it. I'm just worried when they process the test, they'll find I'm not fully human and the jig will be up.
Well, I heard from the New Hotness doctor's office yesterday afternoon. Since the current doctor is abdicating in a week, they just can't fit me in this calendar year (bummer). But I have an expensive--I mean--extensive work up scheduled in January. :( Totally sucks for our deductible. But we can't see any other way but forward. I just hope it SHOWS something.
I also started the complicated testing from Nice Doctor. Having to saturate a huge cotton ball under my tongue makes me gag just thinking about it. I'm just worried when they process the test, they'll find I'm not fully human and the jig will be up.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Phone call
Well, earlier today, as we were getting ready to head out to Anna's lesson, my local doctor called. She received a report from Dr. AH and wanted to know if I wanted her to FW it to the specialist I'm trying to get in to see.
I immediately figured not, but asked her what it said. That was probably a tactical error on my part, as he was just as much as an AH in print as in person. He even went so far as to insult me to my doctor. Why? Because he's an AH. That's why.
But, it really upset me. I clearly remember now why I've given up on searching for the root cause behind my health issues: dead ends. Usually I haven't had to endure doctors who were vicious and nasty (just ran out of ideas and ran me out the door). That's just icing on the cake, I guess.
It's so discouraging. When even the doctor doesn't believe I eat myself into this corner, what can I do? They seem to so easily dismiss all the other symptoms, and pretend they don't hear me when I tell them I gain weight at an unholy rate, and have had many such cycles. It's just easier to ignore my concerns until I go away.
But after talking to her today, I felt that old feeling of hopelessness. That they won't figure out what's wrong with me until they're doing my autopsy.
I immediately figured not, but asked her what it said. That was probably a tactical error on my part, as he was just as much as an AH in print as in person. He even went so far as to insult me to my doctor. Why? Because he's an AH. That's why.
But, it really upset me. I clearly remember now why I've given up on searching for the root cause behind my health issues: dead ends. Usually I haven't had to endure doctors who were vicious and nasty (just ran out of ideas and ran me out the door). That's just icing on the cake, I guess.
It's so discouraging. When even the doctor doesn't believe I eat myself into this corner, what can I do? They seem to so easily dismiss all the other symptoms, and pretend they don't hear me when I tell them I gain weight at an unholy rate, and have had many such cycles. It's just easier to ignore my concerns until I go away.
But after talking to her today, I felt that old feeling of hopelessness. That they won't figure out what's wrong with me until they're doing my autopsy.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
More progress (or what looks like progress)
A friend suggested I "try the door" one more time about the specialist in Seattle (the one who's leaving, not Dr. AH). So, I called and said I know he's leaving, but he said the most important test is done at the lab--and could he order that, and I go over the results later with one of his colleagues? I explained my insurance situation, that we reached the Out of Pocket and that'll be good 'til the end of the year. So if I could have the test at the lab at the end of the year, I'd be sooooo grateful.
The manservant said he can't order the test himself, but he's very happy to ask the doctor to make an exception for me (they typically have you do the test, have the consult on the same day), and he'll let me know. Thanks S1, always a good idea to try the door (I tend to beat my head on it, but trying it gently is better). :)
So, we'll see. It's a rotten time of year to be sprinting for this kind of thing, but I didn't get the tip from E about the adrenal dysfunction 'til recently. And I've been busy not recovering from back surgery as well as busy recovering from laryngitis from hell. And doing Anna's school. And getting fatter exponentially has taken a lot of my attention. And, well, my dad just had surgery. And...well, you get the point! :) You know: life.
Hey, let me post a pretty picture for you. While this blog started as a combination journal/update vehicle for my friends while I did the hcg diet, it's rather turned into a log of my ongoing health journey. Is it depressing, do you think? Should I jazz it up with some happy stuff? I tried two blogs for awhile, one health related, and one hcg related, but that doesn't work for me. I'm a wholly integrated Sandra; I don't compartmentalize myself. It's not how I roll. ;)
Ok, so I'm going to post something happy. Because despite it all, I have joy. There's so much good in life, and I have people in my life I love.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
I have a plan
But, I always have a plan. Hello, my name is Sandra, and I'm a planaholic (Hello, Sandra). I can't help it. It's how I roll. It may be I'm just anal retentive and fussy (but make a damn fine administrator), but I think it's in large part how I cope with my physical disabilities.
So, the plan is to see what's behind Door #1 (Bellevue doc). I'm going to work out those tests and take them as soon as possible. One of them I can't do locally; I have to do it in Seattle. But, we'll be in Seattle at the end of the month; I have it on my calendar figuring out and implementing the other tests prior to.
My dad had surgery today. It was supposed to be outpatient, but there he stays at the hospital an hour away (He's ok, but got out of surgery later than anticipated.). It could be dicey if they let him out late tomorrow as Mark has to be back here at work by 3. It's times like this my anger at my back turns inward to self loathing. I should be able to drive him to and from the hospital. He's doing ok, and I'm sure it'll all work out. But, see above. I wish it was me who was caring for him at this time.
Ok, so the plan continues...as of now I plan on doing one more hcg cycle in January and seeing/hoping/trying/praying for it to stabilize. It'll be 10 months from last shot to first shot, plenty of time for any residual immunity to have dissipated.
Even if I max out my weight loss on the cycle, I'll still be higher than I was (by quite a bit) at the end of the last cycle. That's not a happy thought. But, I'd much rather be there than here. My stomach has taken on anthropomorphic qualities at this point.
So, the plan is to see what's behind Door #1 (Bellevue doc). I'm going to work out those tests and take them as soon as possible. One of them I can't do locally; I have to do it in Seattle. But, we'll be in Seattle at the end of the month; I have it on my calendar figuring out and implementing the other tests prior to.
My dad had surgery today. It was supposed to be outpatient, but there he stays at the hospital an hour away (He's ok, but got out of surgery later than anticipated.). It could be dicey if they let him out late tomorrow as Mark has to be back here at work by 3. It's times like this my anger at my back turns inward to self loathing. I should be able to drive him to and from the hospital. He's doing ok, and I'm sure it'll all work out. But, see above. I wish it was me who was caring for him at this time.
Ok, so the plan continues...as of now I plan on doing one more hcg cycle in January and seeing/hoping/trying/praying for it to stabilize. It'll be 10 months from last shot to first shot, plenty of time for any residual immunity to have dissipated.
Even if I max out my weight loss on the cycle, I'll still be higher than I was (by quite a bit) at the end of the last cycle. That's not a happy thought. But, I'd much rather be there than here. My stomach has taken on anthropomorphic qualities at this point.
Blue Tuesday
I still feel sad about things not working out with the doctor yesterday. I also feel bad because I saw a picture of me over the summer, and I saw a new picture of me. Wow! What a gain. It's just not right (and technically not possible).
Dr. AH last week told me people CAN'T gain that fast. Uhm...dude? Clearly, some of us can. THAT'S WHY I WAS THERE!
I think I'm a little fixated. I wake up worried and unhappy about it. I go to bed worried and unhappy about it. I'm scared of where this is going. I'm mad that all my horrific weight loss work is going up in smoke (when I don't deserve it). I just feel like a lost loser, that nothing I do is right and I'm heading off a cliff.
Dr. AH last week told me people CAN'T gain that fast. Uhm...dude? Clearly, some of us can. THAT'S WHY I WAS THERE!
I think I'm a little fixated. I wake up worried and unhappy about it. I go to bed worried and unhappy about it. I'm scared of where this is going. I'm mad that all my horrific weight loss work is going up in smoke (when I don't deserve it). I just feel like a lost loser, that nothing I do is right and I'm heading off a cliff.
Monday, December 5, 2011
It went a lot differently in my head
So today was the much anticipated phone consultation, that *was* to lead to tests being ordered and taken, and me meeting with the doctor, answers in hand, before the end of the calendar year. It didn't quite go like that.
This morning, the doctor's manservant wanted my recent lab work, so the doctor could review it before the consult. So far, so good. I was nervous and excited all day. I looked at the Swedish website for his department and the condition I think I might have. One of the major symptoms is severe low back pain. HELLO! I don't show all the symptoms (I gain around the middle, but don't present like Big Bird), but many of the big ones, I do. And have for many years. It could finally be explained--and treated! He was to call between 1 and 3.
At 2:30, he called. The doctor was quite pleasant, for the two or three minutes I spoke to him. He said, "Did anybody tell you, I'll be leaving the hospital in three weeks?" Uhm, no. They didn't mention that.
He's going into "industry" and isn't even seeing any more patients for the rest of the year. But, he said I can get a referral to his department and somebody can see me, but he can't even guess who. And, there's no way it can happen before the end of the year. The tests they'd do are extremely expensive. This year, we met our out of pocket after my back surgery. Starting in January, that all goes away.
I can't fathom why I wasn't told this, why he'd want my lab tests (we discussed nothing of my health status), or why he made a phone consultation with me. Needless to say, it was a blow.
I'm still not fully recovered from Dr. A*****le from last week. Now this. I feel pretty bummed about the whole thing. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe this is how it's supposed to be, that of the three doctors, only one shows any promise, and to walk in that direction, but these guys are endocrinologists--supposedly the experts.
But apparently, not for me.
This morning, the doctor's manservant wanted my recent lab work, so the doctor could review it before the consult. So far, so good. I was nervous and excited all day. I looked at the Swedish website for his department and the condition I think I might have. One of the major symptoms is severe low back pain. HELLO! I don't show all the symptoms (I gain around the middle, but don't present like Big Bird), but many of the big ones, I do. And have for many years. It could finally be explained--and treated! He was to call between 1 and 3.
At 2:30, he called. The doctor was quite pleasant, for the two or three minutes I spoke to him. He said, "Did anybody tell you, I'll be leaving the hospital in three weeks?" Uhm, no. They didn't mention that.
He's going into "industry" and isn't even seeing any more patients for the rest of the year. But, he said I can get a referral to his department and somebody can see me, but he can't even guess who. And, there's no way it can happen before the end of the year. The tests they'd do are extremely expensive. This year, we met our out of pocket after my back surgery. Starting in January, that all goes away.
I can't fathom why I wasn't told this, why he'd want my lab tests (we discussed nothing of my health status), or why he made a phone consultation with me. Needless to say, it was a blow.
I'm still not fully recovered from Dr. A*****le from last week. Now this. I feel pretty bummed about the whole thing. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe this is how it's supposed to be, that of the three doctors, only one shows any promise, and to walk in that direction, but these guys are endocrinologists--supposedly the experts.
But apparently, not for me.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is my phone consultation with the other endocrinologist (the specialist). No matter what he says or does, he could hardly be worse than the other guy. :(
I've been thinking over and looking at the tests Bellevue Doc suggested. I think I'm going to do them. No, I don't really have the $, but that is life. If I can find out what my root health issue is, and get it worked on, it can only be for the good.
Am I right?
I've been thinking over and looking at the tests Bellevue Doc suggested. I think I'm going to do them. No, I don't really have the $, but that is life. If I can find out what my root health issue is, and get it worked on, it can only be for the good.
Am I right?
Friday, December 2, 2011
It wasn't all bad
Doctor #1 was very nice. I wish I had of left with ANSWERS, but there have been times I've left doctors after a big song and dance about how they WILL help me and figure it out, only to have them unable to figure it out, leaving me with a big disappointment. I just need to get up the will to figure out, take, and send in the rather complicated tests.
And, there was a stop at Panera Bread. Wow, that's good!
Probably the best part was the end of my first appointment (ok, the BEST part was fleeing Doctor #2's den of misery). During the course of my interview, he asked if I had a religious faith. I said, "I'm a Christian. I get mad at God, but I think He can take it." And moved on. At the end of my visit, the doctor shocked me (in a good way), by asking if we could pray together. He asked God to help him find out what's wrong, so he could help me.
That was worth the price of admission right there. So, I guess I'll try to do what my friend the genie suggested and focus on that appointment. I don't want to give up any more of my time (even in my head) to that other guy.
One more appointment to go, this time a phone appointment. Then we move forward.
And, there was a stop at Panera Bread. Wow, that's good!
Probably the best part was the end of my first appointment (ok, the BEST part was fleeing Doctor #2's den of misery). During the course of my interview, he asked if I had a religious faith. I said, "I'm a Christian. I get mad at God, but I think He can take it." And moved on. At the end of my visit, the doctor shocked me (in a good way), by asking if we could pray together. He asked God to help him find out what's wrong, so he could help me.
That was worth the price of admission right there. So, I guess I'll try to do what my friend the genie suggested and focus on that appointment. I don't want to give up any more of my time (even in my head) to that other guy.
One more appointment to go, this time a phone appointment. Then we move forward.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
The good, the bad, and the ugly
Getting into Redmond, via Yahoo's map, was tricky. Once we got there, it was quite pleasant, as was the doctor. I was there 1.5 hours. He took a lengthy oral history, and was thoughtful, interested, and informed.
He loaded me up with tests. Only one of them is a simple, stop at the hospital and get a blood draw. The others are various and sundry collections. Fun! And sadly, expensive, which my insurance *might* cover some of. And, did I mention he's in REDMOND?
We rushed to doctor visit #2. Wow, was that a mistake. This guy is THE weight guy. Allegedly. The guy it takes months to get in to see. And wow--what a jerk! I've seen over 100 doctors in my health journey. Well over. I don't even want to try and count. It's a lot.
This guy is in the Top 5 of bad doctors. He was condescending, rude, a horrible listener, and not the slightest bit helpful. Clearly, I eat too much, and that's my only problem. I'm stupid for thinking I have a cortisol problem (despite admitting I have many of those symptoms). And my dizziness, fatigue, and chronic pain issues seemed to just not be heard by him whatsoever, despite Mark and I both repeating ourselves.
He kept saying I needed a better diet. He had no answers for gaining 2# a week for months on end, repeatedly. I could go on and on for hours about what a horrible experience I was, but I'll spare us both.
So, I'm feeling a bit low, and a bit dysphoric. Almost anhedonic, but not quite. It's hard to hold on to hope. It really is. On the trip home I had to consider something: they may not be able to diagnose what's wrong with me. I may have to live like this (I hope).
At the end of the first appointment (with the nice one), I said, "I have one more question." He said to go ahead. I said, "I know you specialize in the unusual, the hard to diagnose and treat" (He's a fibromyalgia/environmental medicine doctor). He said that is true. I then asked, "I kind of stand out, don't I?" He looked at me kindly and said, "Yes. I generally see the one in 100. You're the one percent of one percent."
And please no jokes about me being a "special person." If I hear that one more time, I might just give in to what my heart wants to do, which is curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.
He loaded me up with tests. Only one of them is a simple, stop at the hospital and get a blood draw. The others are various and sundry collections. Fun! And sadly, expensive, which my insurance *might* cover some of. And, did I mention he's in REDMOND?
We rushed to doctor visit #2. Wow, was that a mistake. This guy is THE weight guy. Allegedly. The guy it takes months to get in to see. And wow--what a jerk! I've seen over 100 doctors in my health journey. Well over. I don't even want to try and count. It's a lot.
This guy is in the Top 5 of bad doctors. He was condescending, rude, a horrible listener, and not the slightest bit helpful. Clearly, I eat too much, and that's my only problem. I'm stupid for thinking I have a cortisol problem (despite admitting I have many of those symptoms). And my dizziness, fatigue, and chronic pain issues seemed to just not be heard by him whatsoever, despite Mark and I both repeating ourselves.
He kept saying I needed a better diet. He had no answers for gaining 2# a week for months on end, repeatedly. I could go on and on for hours about what a horrible experience I was, but I'll spare us both.
So, I'm feeling a bit low, and a bit dysphoric. Almost anhedonic, but not quite. It's hard to hold on to hope. It really is. On the trip home I had to consider something: they may not be able to diagnose what's wrong with me. I may have to live like this (I hope).
At the end of the first appointment (with the nice one), I said, "I have one more question." He said to go ahead. I said, "I know you specialize in the unusual, the hard to diagnose and treat" (He's a fibromyalgia/environmental medicine doctor). He said that is true. I then asked, "I kind of stand out, don't I?" He looked at me kindly and said, "Yes. I generally see the one in 100. You're the one percent of one percent."
And please no jokes about me being a "special person." If I hear that one more time, I might just give in to what my heart wants to do, which is curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
It's only a day away
Tomorrow! I'm glad forward motion will be happening (that's a weird sentence). Today I picked up my recent cursory labs (blood test results, not canines)--the ones that were supposed to be mailed to me, but weren't.
And, there's a disturbing value. One value is supposed to be between 10-20. Mine's 30. I looked at last year's, it was also high. Has anybody done anything about it? No. But I did look it up, and it can be an indicator of the rabbit I'm chasing down the hole.
I was quite relieved today. The Amazing Wonder Doc's office called to confirm. I told them about my back situation, and they said no worries, they have a couch. Well, that's one problem solved!
Today I looked at a picture taken of me at the beach last spring. I was SO much thinner. It makes me sad. Partly because I haven't earned this fat, and partly because I *am* fat. Ok, well, that won't help. Hopefully tomorrow we start on the road to fixing this.
And, there's a disturbing value. One value is supposed to be between 10-20. Mine's 30. I looked at last year's, it was also high. Has anybody done anything about it? No. But I did look it up, and it can be an indicator of the rabbit I'm chasing down the hole.
I was quite relieved today. The Amazing Wonder Doc's office called to confirm. I told them about my back situation, and they said no worries, they have a couch. Well, that's one problem solved!
Today I looked at a picture taken of me at the beach last spring. I was SO much thinner. It makes me sad. Partly because I haven't earned this fat, and partly because I *am* fat. Ok, well, that won't help. Hopefully tomorrow we start on the road to fixing this.
Tomorrow
I have two doctor visits in Seattle. One was added on just late last afternoon. I feel worn out just thinking about it. But I need to do it. And while we're there, better to extend the day than make a separate trip.
The three doctors I have plans with are specialists in different (hopefully complementary) areas. I just wish it wasn't Christmastime! There's so much going on.
My earlier enthusiasm for another offensive has waned. Now I just want to stay in my house enjoying a cup of tea in front of the fire.
Having a mom or a sister would be nice right about now. I don't like feeling scared.
The three doctors I have plans with are specialists in different (hopefully complementary) areas. I just wish it wasn't Christmastime! There's so much going on.
My earlier enthusiasm for another offensive has waned. Now I just want to stay in my house enjoying a cup of tea in front of the fire.
Having a mom or a sister would be nice right about now. I don't like feeling scared.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A small victory
I got my chronological bullet point notes done for the doc. I know there's more, but the body of it's done, so I have time for more pertinent info to surface.
Don't exactly know why, but it feels like a victory. :)
I just told my pal I'm prepared to take this to wherever I need to go to get a diagnosis. So much time has been spent on structural issues (not that there's anything wrong with that, when one can't sit, or write, or...walk, at times, they tend to push to the fore). But maybe the structural are related to the systemic issue; really, they must be, at least indirectly. If it's what I think it could very well be, a cortisol issue, that affects everything.
But, even though it's rough (being in pain while managing a full life, including homeschooling a very bright kiddo), I feel a passion to push through this and get something on paper. I'm off the map with my health, and it's time to get back on.
I'm accessing my inner Viking warrior. Maybe. Skol?
Don't exactly know why, but it feels like a victory. :)
I just told my pal I'm prepared to take this to wherever I need to go to get a diagnosis. So much time has been spent on structural issues (not that there's anything wrong with that, when one can't sit, or write, or...walk, at times, they tend to push to the fore). But maybe the structural are related to the systemic issue; really, they must be, at least indirectly. If it's what I think it could very well be, a cortisol issue, that affects everything.
But, even though it's rough (being in pain while managing a full life, including homeschooling a very bright kiddo), I feel a passion to push through this and get something on paper. I'm off the map with my health, and it's time to get back on.
I'm accessing my inner Viking warrior. Maybe. Skol?
What could be
I find my mind wandering often these days to, What if I do finally get a diagnosis? That would be so awesome (possibly scary, possibly disheartening, but definitely awesome). It's been so many years; possibly my whole life of having something crucially wrong, but never having it taken seriously or identified.
I've stumped many doctors. And not to be rude, but many of those just seemed to have egos too big to handle the fact they couldn't easily find it--so they sent me away. Several would start out very gung ho--Oh, we'll get to the bottom of this! But after a few slow pitches (lab tests, mainly), where nothing overt showed up, they were done with me.
It was easier to believe I had these symptoms (weight issues, among 206 other things) because I clearly MUST be a closet binge eater. Sadly, no. I often wish my weight problems were strictly the result of eating like a stoat. Then it would be within my control to fix it. Hard work and sacrifice is not anathema to me, believe me. If self sacrifice were the cure to my obesity, I'd be thin as a thermometer after the many cycles of HCG--heck, way before that. And many of my symptoms have nothing to do with weight. When I was at my lowest weight last spring, while I felt lighter, and more comfortable in my joints, my other health problems were just as present; I just had smaller pants.
It's not just the weight; it's so many things. Things that my brain and spirit says, Hey, that's not right! Things like being all of 42, and finding it too fatiguing to whisk when making a Thanksgiving dessert. Things like lying down and suddenly shaking. Things like walking along, and suddenly the world turns on its axis. Things like that.
It's time to figure this out. And right now, I'm ready to fight again--you know, in my spare time.
I've stumped many doctors. And not to be rude, but many of those just seemed to have egos too big to handle the fact they couldn't easily find it--so they sent me away. Several would start out very gung ho--Oh, we'll get to the bottom of this! But after a few slow pitches (lab tests, mainly), where nothing overt showed up, they were done with me.
It was easier to believe I had these symptoms (weight issues, among 206 other things) because I clearly MUST be a closet binge eater. Sadly, no. I often wish my weight problems were strictly the result of eating like a stoat. Then it would be within my control to fix it. Hard work and sacrifice is not anathema to me, believe me. If self sacrifice were the cure to my obesity, I'd be thin as a thermometer after the many cycles of HCG--heck, way before that. And many of my symptoms have nothing to do with weight. When I was at my lowest weight last spring, while I felt lighter, and more comfortable in my joints, my other health problems were just as present; I just had smaller pants.
It's not just the weight; it's so many things. Things that my brain and spirit says, Hey, that's not right! Things like being all of 42, and finding it too fatiguing to whisk when making a Thanksgiving dessert. Things like lying down and suddenly shaking. Things like walking along, and suddenly the world turns on its axis. Things like that.
It's time to figure this out. And right now, I'm ready to fight again--you know, in my spare time.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey, I only gained .2 this week (from last week's weigh in). That's awesome! Don't laugh. For me, lately, it is.
I know, it's futile to "plan" what my body's going to do, but I could totally eat this way comfortably long term (strict on the weekdays, looser on the weekends). But perhaps my expectations are too low. Let's keep up the good fight 'til I find a canny doctor who can diagnose (and treat?!!!) whatever root problem is wrong.
That'd be something to be thankful for indeed. But regardless, I am thankful. I have a family, friends, a place to live, and other blessings too many to count.
Life is good. It's hard, but it's good. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
I know, it's futile to "plan" what my body's going to do, but I could totally eat this way comfortably long term (strict on the weekdays, looser on the weekends). But perhaps my expectations are too low. Let's keep up the good fight 'til I find a canny doctor who can diagnose (and treat?!!!) whatever root problem is wrong.
That'd be something to be thankful for indeed. But regardless, I am thankful. I have a family, friends, a place to live, and other blessings too many to count.
Life is good. It's hard, but it's good. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Disciplined, desperate, or determined?
I just had a tough time making tomorrow's double layer cream cheese pumpkin pie. I had to mix various layers of cream cheese, pudding, and pumpkin. Golly, I wanted to lick the spoon (when I was done, of course).
I didn't, though it was there, I was there...
Am I being silly? I just get back to the fact I'll be eating like a stevedore for the next few days, so I ought to be very careful and strict leading up to it.
But then it gets doubly hard when my other health issues rear their ugly heads (today is back pain and very high fatigue). Sigh. Why's it have to be so complicated?
I didn't, though it was there, I was there...
Am I being silly? I just get back to the fact I'll be eating like a stevedore for the next few days, so I ought to be very careful and strict leading up to it.
But then it gets doubly hard when my other health issues rear their ugly heads (today is back pain and very high fatigue). Sigh. Why's it have to be so complicated?
Will I?
...be able to do the next hcg in January? It's on my mind. I've been planning on it. But, if I am diagnosed with something, it might not be advisable.
I like the speed of which the weight comes off on the hcg. Sure, it sucks awfully. But it's worth it. But, if it makes me sicker, or conflicts with some potential treatment, it may be a no go. :(
On the other hand, if I am diagnosed with something treatable, the weight ought to come off on its own! And without being so hungry it makes me cry.
That's a better option.
I like the speed of which the weight comes off on the hcg. Sure, it sucks awfully. But it's worth it. But, if it makes me sicker, or conflicts with some potential treatment, it may be a no go. :(
On the other hand, if I am diagnosed with something treatable, the weight ought to come off on its own! And without being so hungry it makes me cry.
That's a better option.
Last night was a tough one
Tuesday's probably the toughest day of the week for me, painwise (followed closely by its evil twin, Monday). Monday Anna has three (soon to be two; the art class is short lived) classes. I need to drive a lot. So Tuesday night, when I have to take her to dance, I'm in bad back shape.
I needed to go to the store when in town, and I was dragging. It was so tempting to get something carbalicious! Tuesdays nights are truly brutal. Getting home, eating dinner...ugh (not the dinner part, the pain part). Again, that chocolate is STILL in the house. And I wanted it, precious. I wants it.
But tomorrow is one of the few days a year I strap on the feed bag with psychic impunity, so I'm holding tight.
Sucks, though. :}
I needed to go to the store when in town, and I was dragging. It was so tempting to get something carbalicious! Tuesdays nights are truly brutal. Getting home, eating dinner...ugh (not the dinner part, the pain part). Again, that chocolate is STILL in the house. And I wanted it, precious. I wants it.
But tomorrow is one of the few days a year I strap on the feed bag with psychic impunity, so I'm holding tight.
Sucks, though. :}
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Hello Russia and Germany
Thanks for looking at the blog! I am a teeny tiny bit Russian and a bit German. As a friend of mine once said, "You're Scandinavian, Russian, AND German? Remind me to never get into a drinking contest with you." I'd be more scared of getting into an argument with me.
Now you know.
Now you know.
Magnetic force
There's chocolate in the house. And, it's Angel of Death week, so my carb craving is intensified by several orders of magnitude.
While I know that Thursday is coming, I want the chocolate NOW!
I pro'bly won't. Even though my scale is my arch-nemesis, I still like being able to be proud of my actions. Sadly, the outcome doesn't seem to be in my control.
While I know that Thursday is coming, I want the chocolate NOW!
I pro'bly won't. Even though my scale is my arch-nemesis, I still like being able to be proud of my actions. Sadly, the outcome doesn't seem to be in my control.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Facebook and scarbs
It turns out my FB has been malfunctioning. I could see what I was posting, and so could Mark. But nobody else. I have no explanation for it. I monkeyed around with the settings (having made no adjustments that I was aware of) and I think I'm back. People still can't see the stuff that's been invisible to them for weeks. Again, I have no explanation other than perhaps it's just an extension of the weirdness that cloaks my life in general. :} It's kind of a relief, really, 'cause I thought I was being shunned--lol.
Made it scarb free today, but it was a tough one. I've been jonesing for chocolate. But I thought ahead to the very near future and feeding frenzy that is Thanksgiving weekend and decided to man up.
Made it scarb free today, but it was a tough one. I've been jonesing for chocolate. But I thought ahead to the very near future and feeding frenzy that is Thanksgiving weekend and decided to man up.
Good morning world
Starting the day (and week) feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's so much to do with the holiday, plus the normal stuff. And, Mark is working two doubles (Tuesday and Wednesday) leading into the holiday. And my body just doesn't feel up to the job.
:(
:(
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Scarbs...and me
You know I'm a full on dork and have taken to putting smiley stickers on my calendar when I make it a whole day scarb free. Anyway, this month I've done it half the time, which I think is pretty good. It's difficult to manage. Am I thinner? Naw. But I'd like to think I'm healthier.
The 30th is my appointment with Amazing Wonder Doc. I continue to do research on the condition my friend suggested. I think it could be a fit. Naturally, it's one of those things that's not always easy to diagnose with concrete lab results. Figures.
But even if it's not that, I'm hoping and praying for a diagnosis of something we can work on.
What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
The 30th is my appointment with Amazing Wonder Doc. I continue to do research on the condition my friend suggested. I think it could be a fit. Naturally, it's one of those things that's not always easy to diagnose with concrete lab results. Figures.
But even if it's not that, I'm hoping and praying for a diagnosis of something we can work on.
What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Yesterday
I did in fact have chocolate, preplanned, so I felt ok about it, and it WAS damn good and I liked it. :)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Day 3 of scarb free
Tomorrow we're going out, so scarbs will happen. I wish I didn't want them to happen now! I'll be strong, though. It's what I do, right? Grrrr. At least the only candy in the house is Anna's Skittles, which I can take or leave.
I got a note from the UW saying they got my notes and will be in touch if they feel I'm "clinically appropriate" to be seen. That just rubs the the wrong way! I'm really focused on Bellevue Wonder Doc. The UW is my fall back/second opinion option. Still: wrong way.
Today was kind of odd. It started out just fine, with school going smoothly and my back feeling a bit better after some work on it yesterday. Then we dropped Anna off at her writing class en route to doing our major Thanksgiving shopping and--wait for it--the keys were locked in the car. Doh!
Blessedly, our friend was home and available to come take us home, wait for us to get keys, then take us back to our car. Back on the road, finished our shopping just as her class ended. A little hard on my back (the extra car trip), but all things considered, it turned out great! Grateful for the pal dropping everything to help us without so much as a grimace.
Just more to be grateful for on this Thanksgiving week.
I got a note from the UW saying they got my notes and will be in touch if they feel I'm "clinically appropriate" to be seen. That just rubs the the wrong way! I'm really focused on Bellevue Wonder Doc. The UW is my fall back/second opinion option. Still: wrong way.
Today was kind of odd. It started out just fine, with school going smoothly and my back feeling a bit better after some work on it yesterday. Then we dropped Anna off at her writing class en route to doing our major Thanksgiving shopping and--wait for it--the keys were locked in the car. Doh!
Blessedly, our friend was home and available to come take us home, wait for us to get keys, then take us back to our car. Back on the road, finished our shopping just as her class ended. A little hard on my back (the extra car trip), but all things considered, it turned out great! Grateful for the pal dropping everything to help us without so much as a grimace.
Just more to be grateful for on this Thanksgiving week.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
The plot thickens
The potential issue is an adrenal gland thing. This morning I got a call from the doctor's office (the doc I saw last week, who's out of town, so it was her associate's nurse) and they said my creatinine values are off--which they noted are a kidney value.
ADRENALS SIT ON THE KIDNEYS.
Hmmmm. I'm trying desperately not to take 2+2 and get 22, but...well, I kinda am. It could be just my wild desire to have a name for my problem, seeing that Sandra Syndrome doesn't exist (but it should). But we'll see.
Anyway, going for another scarb free day.
ADRENALS SIT ON THE KIDNEYS.
Hmmmm. I'm trying desperately not to take 2+2 and get 22, but...well, I kinda am. It could be just my wild desire to have a name for my problem, seeing that Sandra Syndrome doesn't exist (but it should). But we'll see.
Anyway, going for another scarb free day.
Waking up still me, but with a little more hope
I've been thinking an awful lot about my friend's suggestion of what might be wrong with my body. I've looked at countless websites, and so much of it seems to fit. If that's the case (or if ostensible Wonder Doc can find out something else concrete), it would be amazing.
I mean, that would not guarantee a cure. And I'd still have my spine. But it'd be something to work with instead of stumbling around in the dark, knowing there's something there, but nobody can find it (and even feeling most are skeptical when I say I don't eat enough to be this heavy).
It's super hard to be scarb free when doing so isn't overly helpful. But, at least until we get my metabolism sorted out, it's best for me to do that when I can. But it's really, really hard! Did I say that? It's hard to be experiencing a lot of pain and fatigue, and added stress when Mark's both subbing AND rocking it at Safeway. Sometimes a nice bowl of ice cream or perhaps a chocolate bar would make me feel a little better for a little while.
Are you with me? I'm sure we all know that one.
I mean, that would not guarantee a cure. And I'd still have my spine. But it'd be something to work with instead of stumbling around in the dark, knowing there's something there, but nobody can find it (and even feeling most are skeptical when I say I don't eat enough to be this heavy).
It's super hard to be scarb free when doing so isn't overly helpful. But, at least until we get my metabolism sorted out, it's best for me to do that when I can. But it's really, really hard! Did I say that? It's hard to be experiencing a lot of pain and fatigue, and added stress when Mark's both subbing AND rocking it at Safeway. Sometimes a nice bowl of ice cream or perhaps a chocolate bar would make me feel a little better for a little while.
Are you with me? I'm sure we all know that one.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thought about it. Didn't.
...have a sample cookie, that is. I was hungry, too; that made it harder to pass up. But regardless of it being heinous and unfair, it is what it is. So I passed up the unsanctioned cookie.
Today my friend emailed with an idea about a medical condition that could be causing a lot of my health issues. I looked it up, and there was a lot of symptoms in common with me!
I'm scared of getting my hopes up, but it's exciting to think there's a possibility of putting a name to my metabolic disorder! Two weeks from tomorrow I have the appointment with Wonder Doc in Bellevue.
To think there's at least a chance of food reacting to my body in a normal way? Unreal. And awesome. Thanks for the hope, E.
:)
Today my friend emailed with an idea about a medical condition that could be causing a lot of my health issues. I looked it up, and there was a lot of symptoms in common with me!
I'm scared of getting my hopes up, but it's exciting to think there's a possibility of putting a name to my metabolic disorder! Two weeks from tomorrow I have the appointment with Wonder Doc in Bellevue.
To think there's at least a chance of food reacting to my body in a normal way? Unreal. And awesome. Thanks for the hope, E.
:)
Woot!
I'm in on the 30th for the pain/metabolic specialist. I'm psyched! The receptionist was nice too. I know, who cares, but I do. After seeing 39607 doctors, the niceties count
Oh yeah, one tiny bit
Last evening, during Anna's dance class, I was wandering around the neighborhood drugstore. I was feeling tired, sore, and quite discouraged about my weight and health in general.
So I ended up on the chocolate aisle. They have GOOD chocolate there. I stared at it for a moment, realizing I'm gaining anyway, no matter how hard I try, no matter how healthy (and how simple-carb free I go), so why not?
I decided not to. Know why? Because I didn't want the chocolate merely because chocolate is damn good and I like it. I wanted it to anesthetize myself. And that cup has no bottom.
So I walked away.
So I ended up on the chocolate aisle. They have GOOD chocolate there. I stared at it for a moment, realizing I'm gaining anyway, no matter how hard I try, no matter how healthy (and how simple-carb free I go), so why not?
I decided not to. Know why? Because I didn't want the chocolate merely because chocolate is damn good and I like it. I wanted it to anesthetize myself. And that cup has no bottom.
So I walked away.
A faint sunbeam of hope
No, I'm still gaining. That's not it.
I just think I may have found a doctor who can help. Somebody I know recommended this doctor in the Seattle area who was FINALLY able to diagnose his wife, after years of weird health problems. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which I have been too, but haven't fully bought that diagnosis for years now.
Turns out while she has those symptoms (in my opinion, fibromyalgia is a wide ranging collection of symptoms rather than one set disease), but she has some obscure blood disorder. Sure, that sucks. And it's not curable. But knowing what she has is huge. It's easier to fight an enemy you can see.
Anyway, I just found that doctor's website and was clicking around and he has a special section on diagnosing metabolic disorders. Can't wait for later so I can call and try to get in! The person told me it took them quite awhile to get in, but one never knows 'til they try. Time will pass anyway. I just hope I can get in before the end of the year.
Things aren't going quite so well on other medical fronts. I'm trying to call and get set up with the pain clinic for my back. I think it's time to try those dreadful, horrible back epidural shots again. But the place requires a referral and I've had no luck getting to even talk to a human at the spine place in Arizona. Grrr. Same deal with the specialty endocrine place at the University of Washington.
Don't they understand I'm on a deadline here? :)
I just think I may have found a doctor who can help. Somebody I know recommended this doctor in the Seattle area who was FINALLY able to diagnose his wife, after years of weird health problems. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which I have been too, but haven't fully bought that diagnosis for years now.
Turns out while she has those symptoms (in my opinion, fibromyalgia is a wide ranging collection of symptoms rather than one set disease), but she has some obscure blood disorder. Sure, that sucks. And it's not curable. But knowing what she has is huge. It's easier to fight an enemy you can see.
Anyway, I just found that doctor's website and was clicking around and he has a special section on diagnosing metabolic disorders. Can't wait for later so I can call and try to get in! The person told me it took them quite awhile to get in, but one never knows 'til they try. Time will pass anyway. I just hope I can get in before the end of the year.
Things aren't going quite so well on other medical fronts. I'm trying to call and get set up with the pain clinic for my back. I think it's time to try those dreadful, horrible back epidural shots again. But the place requires a referral and I've had no luck getting to even talk to a human at the spine place in Arizona. Grrr. Same deal with the specialty endocrine place at the University of Washington.
Don't they understand I'm on a deadline here? :)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The bottom line
I've gained back half of what I lost. I knew I'd gained, but I didn't think it was that much, that fast. I had been hoping in vain that I had stabilized maybe.
I'll call Seattle today, but what I really want to do is stay in my jammies all day and feel sad. No help for that, though. My responsibilities don't care that I'm ass deep in despair. And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep....
I'll call Seattle today, but what I really want to do is stay in my jammies all day and feel sad. No help for that, though. My responsibilities don't care that I'm ass deep in despair. And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep....
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Also
The doctor said she had absolutely no idea what's the matter with me ("I'm stumped.") and said she'd try to think of somebody good to send me to, but she couldn't help me--goodbye and good luck.
No words can truly express this
Remember Decade of X? How great it was to get there after so long? And then to wave goodbye to it, thinking I'd never see it again?
Well it sucks now.
I nearly experienced heart failure when I got on the scale at the doctor's. So what it gets down to is in all the months since my last hcg shot, I've gained 1.5 to 2 pounds per week, no matter how I stuck to it, no matter if I had no sugar whatsoever. Nothing I did mattered.
Again.
Well it sucks now.
I nearly experienced heart failure when I got on the scale at the doctor's. So what it gets down to is in all the months since my last hcg shot, I've gained 1.5 to 2 pounds per week, no matter how I stuck to it, no matter if I had no sugar whatsoever. Nothing I did mattered.
Again.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Getting up for it
I found an awesome book on the hcg diet at my library. It's not all that long (2nd week in January) until I'm getting back on the horse, I wanted to look to find more information that might help. There were a few bits in there I didn't know (Cherry tomatoes have twice the sugar--naturally, that's all I ate).
My dad offered to take me to Costco to stock up on the diet foods. Very lovely of him especially considering the food is EXPENSIVE.
Golly, I hope this cycle goes back to previous experience, lots of weight, then stabilizing. Sucks to relose weight...again. I'm hoping and praying it will stay off this time.
I'm doing well on the scarb free days, not so well on the days that I have scarb. I need to get out of the mindset of behaving like I'm a prisoner just out on parole. Donno what's up with that. I thought I was "cured" of stress eating. Maybe it's a condition that can only be managed, not cured.
Just me, or do most of us have to watch it?
My dad offered to take me to Costco to stock up on the diet foods. Very lovely of him especially considering the food is EXPENSIVE.
Golly, I hope this cycle goes back to previous experience, lots of weight, then stabilizing. Sucks to relose weight...again. I'm hoping and praying it will stay off this time.
I'm doing well on the scarb free days, not so well on the days that I have scarb. I need to get out of the mindset of behaving like I'm a prisoner just out on parole. Donno what's up with that. I thought I was "cured" of stress eating. Maybe it's a condition that can only be managed, not cured.
Just me, or do most of us have to watch it?
I take it back!
If you subscribed, unsubscribe! I signed up to see what it was like. I did NOT know it would randomly send out old blog updates. That's just creepy and wrong. Sorry. :(
Thursday, November 3, 2011
3 days scarb free
...and it's been rough. My energy level has been virtually nonexistent all week. It's times like this I wish more than ever I had a mom, or a sister, or somebody to come and help me take care of things (kid, house, or even kid at their house so I could rest a bit).
It's tough with Mark both working at the store and subbing. It's not been that long since my surgery. I have a lot of balls to keep in the air and lately I feel at any second, I'll get a concussion.
It's tough with Mark both working at the store and subbing. It's not been that long since my surgery. I have a lot of balls to keep in the air and lately I feel at any second, I'll get a concussion.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Two days and counting...
...scarb free, that is. I overate Monday. Sure, most people did. But I overate and overdid.
It's been three months exactly since my surgery. I wish I could say it fixed my back. It did not. After three months, I think if I were going to be able to sit properly, I would be.
So, that stinks. As does my now rapid weight gain. That's quite discouraging. I'm eating healthfully (Monday notwithstanding). I have a doctor appointment next week, but that's generally a dead end for me. I've seen many endocrinologists who have no idea why my endocrine system does what it does or how to fix it.
I'm trying not to dwell on discouragement, but it's tough. I don't want to be as heavy as I was before. I'm finally to the point now where my clothes are getting snug and I noticed more jowl on my face. Yuck.
So right now I'm just trying to keep my chin up (pun intended) and eat healthfully. This might be kind of a "no shit" thing to say, but I sure wish I were healthy.
It's been three months exactly since my surgery. I wish I could say it fixed my back. It did not. After three months, I think if I were going to be able to sit properly, I would be.
So, that stinks. As does my now rapid weight gain. That's quite discouraging. I'm eating healthfully (Monday notwithstanding). I have a doctor appointment next week, but that's generally a dead end for me. I've seen many endocrinologists who have no idea why my endocrine system does what it does or how to fix it.
I'm trying not to dwell on discouragement, but it's tough. I don't want to be as heavy as I was before. I'm finally to the point now where my clothes are getting snug and I noticed more jowl on my face. Yuck.
So right now I'm just trying to keep my chin up (pun intended) and eat healthfully. This might be kind of a "no shit" thing to say, but I sure wish I were healthy.
Yesterday
I went scarb free. That is a good thing! Yesterday was awful. Tell you more later.
Better today, so worry not.
Better today, so worry not.
Friday, October 28, 2011
It's Pensive Friday (How are you celebrating this little known holiday?)
Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape. --Charles Dickens
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Managing to hang on
The last day or so has been ROUGH sticking with the scarb-free. Thankfully, tomorrow is planned carb. About 200 times today I almost said, "Screw it," but didn't. I called upon my Kung Fu Panda wisdom: The cup I seek to fill has no bottom.
I've been thinking about my next hcg cycle (January). I got a cool looking library book about the diet; I'm hoping to find some good insights. I totally hope this next cycle both works and stabilizes. It's not an exaggeration to say the day I quit the hcg last time I started gaining. Unfair.
Feeling a bit blue as something made me realize it was 20 years ago that my back went berserk, forever changing my life. I had started developing health problems shortly before that time.
20 years is a long time. Who would I have been?
I've been thinking about my next hcg cycle (January). I got a cool looking library book about the diet; I'm hoping to find some good insights. I totally hope this next cycle both works and stabilizes. It's not an exaggeration to say the day I quit the hcg last time I started gaining. Unfair.
Feeling a bit blue as something made me realize it was 20 years ago that my back went berserk, forever changing my life. I had started developing health problems shortly before that time.
20 years is a long time. Who would I have been?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I want to be a carbitarian
But, that's not my life. So I'm still doing pretty well on making sure as many days as comfortably and realistically possible contain no simple (useless) carbs, or scarbs. This week I have five such days planned.
I wish I could say it makes me lose weight. But, it does slow the rate of gain significantly.
I have a doc appt. soon to ask about getting a hormone check. Who knows, maybe something could show up?
Could happen.
I wish I could say it makes me lose weight. But, it does slow the rate of gain significantly.
I have a doc appt. soon to ask about getting a hormone check. Who knows, maybe something could show up?
Could happen.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Scarb free
Going for another couple of days of it. I made it two days last week. A friend brought us from chocolate macadamia nuts from Hawaii, and I almost had some when Mark and Anna were having some with lunch. But I didn't.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Ok, more forward motion
I have a plan with the hcg doc now. The plan is to start the program right after our vacation the first week of January. I printed out the price list to try and prevent getting jacked around again and drastically overcharged. I'm still mad about that. :(
I'm also going to make an appt. with my other doctor, to get my thyroid reevaluated. Nobody should gain weight as fast as I do.
Ok, it's true confessions time. Those of you who are my friends might find this shocking. I've never told anyone about this, outside the house. But I like...I like...star charts. Not the astrology kind, the kind where you put stars for little kids every time they use the potty, etc.
For years I've put stars on my calendar to denote days I exercise. It's been pretty starless lately. But I decided to reformat it and use that for days I go scarb (simple carb) free. Maybe it's child like, but it works for me. I find it encouraging.
I'm also going to make an appt. with my other doctor, to get my thyroid reevaluated. Nobody should gain weight as fast as I do.
Ok, it's true confessions time. Those of you who are my friends might find this shocking. I've never told anyone about this, outside the house. But I like...I like...star charts. Not the astrology kind, the kind where you put stars for little kids every time they use the potty, etc.
For years I've put stars on my calendar to denote days I exercise. It's been pretty starless lately. But I decided to reformat it and use that for days I go scarb (simple carb) free. Maybe it's child like, but it works for me. I find it encouraging.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Two days scarb free
Yay! It feels good to be making those choices again (and not to have life throwing grenades at my feet, making it difficult to do).
Monday, October 10, 2011
Today is a new day
I realized this morning, today is a fresh, baby day. I've been struggling with eating just too many carbs. Yes, we've kept all the healthy stuff in there (lots of produce and protein), but the carbs have been there too. And that's not working for me.
I jest not when I say I still gain even when I'm not eating simple carbs (scarbs), it just slows the rate of gain. But that is better than now, where the gain is happening quickly.
My body does this. It's murder to get weight off. It'd be easier to split atoms with the power of my mind. But as soon as I stop the rigid weight loss diets (or even before), the weight starts to come back, often with alarming speed.
I hoped so dearly that hcg was the answer for me. :( I suppose it still could be and because of bad advice from doctors I did too much. But at this point? To still be gaining and not have stabilized? It's certainly not a *good* sign.
My plan is to try one more round right after the holidays. I am hoping it's been long enough without the meds and diet, and maybe this time it will again work properly and stabilize properly. And if it doesn't...? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
But as for today, it's a new day. I have healthy, simple-carb free food planned. It's been a long time since I've gone a day without them. I want today to be that day.
I jest not when I say I still gain even when I'm not eating simple carbs (scarbs), it just slows the rate of gain. But that is better than now, where the gain is happening quickly.
My body does this. It's murder to get weight off. It'd be easier to split atoms with the power of my mind. But as soon as I stop the rigid weight loss diets (or even before), the weight starts to come back, often with alarming speed.
I hoped so dearly that hcg was the answer for me. :( I suppose it still could be and because of bad advice from doctors I did too much. But at this point? To still be gaining and not have stabilized? It's certainly not a *good* sign.
My plan is to try one more round right after the holidays. I am hoping it's been long enough without the meds and diet, and maybe this time it will again work properly and stabilize properly. And if it doesn't...? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
But as for today, it's a new day. I have healthy, simple-carb free food planned. It's been a long time since I've gone a day without them. I want today to be that day.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
At least I have a plan
Ok, I know. I always have a plan. But, approximately .0006% of them work out! So it's totally worth it.
Ok, weight loss/maintenance plan. First of all, this is totally contingent upon me maintaining. Which never seems to happen. But I'm trying willing it to happen. So, for the sake of argument, let's just say it's going to happen.
I plan on doing another hcg in January. I am hoping and believing since it's been a long time since I've had the meds, it will work right again. And that stabilization and maintenance will actually work this time.
Then, I hold. Even if it means doing a darn steak day once a week to get my weight to hold, I will do it. That's my plan.
Then, a year later, I do it again. Repeat above.
Then, I may be done? Or not? I just don't know.
Ok, weight loss/maintenance plan. First of all, this is totally contingent upon me maintaining. Which never seems to happen. But I'm trying willing it to happen. So, for the sake of argument, let's just say it's going to happen.
I plan on doing another hcg in January. I am hoping and believing since it's been a long time since I've had the meds, it will work right again. And that stabilization and maintenance will actually work this time.
Then, I hold. Even if it means doing a darn steak day once a week to get my weight to hold, I will do it. That's my plan.
Then, a year later, I do it again. Repeat above.
Then, I may be done? Or not? I just don't know.
Friday, September 30, 2011
scattered
Everything in my life seems scattered out and disorganized; and that is so not me. Ever since the laryngitis/surgery summer combo, things haven't felt right. My weight doesn't help. Anna's new schedule (going to the next level of ability requires more class time), Mark's weird, chaotic schedule, trying to balance too many medical things...it's just not good. And frankly, I don't have the physical strength to manage it all right now.
Sure, we're not starving, our clothes are clean, the house is clean most of the time, and school is progressing (though not as fast as I'd like--not having a voice effects that, of course).
But I just feel stuck, and unable to more forward.
Sure, we're not starving, our clothes are clean, the house is clean most of the time, and school is progressing (though not as fast as I'd like--not having a voice effects that, of course).
But I just feel stuck, and unable to more forward.
Monday, September 26, 2011
So much to tell
But I'm exhausted from my day in Seattle. But the news is good! I have some voice back already! They did extensive testing and physical therapy. My prognosis is good, and I've got a start already.
The virus damaged and weakened my vocal cords. The swelling is finally gone, and what's left is something called....ohhh...something like functional dysphonia? Anyway, it's fixable with physical therapy!
More trips to Seattle. However, through Safeway we got discount tickets to the zoo and aquarium. So, score for Anna!
I'm exhausted and sore, but very happy. It's funny, suddenly everything seems more manageable and hopeful. I feel like I'll be talking, sitting, and back to my LIW in no time! ;)
The virus damaged and weakened my vocal cords. The swelling is finally gone, and what's left is something called....ohhh...something like functional dysphonia? Anyway, it's fixable with physical therapy!
More trips to Seattle. However, through Safeway we got discount tickets to the zoo and aquarium. So, score for Anna!
I'm exhausted and sore, but very happy. It's funny, suddenly everything seems more manageable and hopeful. I feel like I'll be talking, sitting, and back to my LIW in no time! ;)
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I heart Sarah McLachlan
Time here
all but means nothing
just shadows that most 'cross the wall
they keep me company
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all...
all but means nothing
just shadows that most 'cross the wall
they keep me company
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
A quick thought to ponder
I want to bake again. Anna's sicker. Bessie's sicker. I feel not-so-well, either. So what do I want? CHOCOLATE! Even if my metabolism acted normally, comfort eating is not something to be embraced more than very occasionally.
I still am having a hard time accepting I can't metabolize simple carbs. Heck, even when I avoid them, I still gain weight! That's totally wrong. But anyway, if I eat simple carbs only very rarely, it's not nearly as bad. And other things pay off: I feel better, my blood test values are good, etc.
I'm wondering if it will be a lifetime battle? The pull to eating food that's bad for me? I calculate so. I do come from a family of alcoholics. I'm the only one who doesn't drink to excess--and I'm the only heavy one--provocative, huh? I once read a book saying alcoholism is an inherited genetic addition to sugar.
Food for thought.
I still am having a hard time accepting I can't metabolize simple carbs. Heck, even when I avoid them, I still gain weight! That's totally wrong. But anyway, if I eat simple carbs only very rarely, it's not nearly as bad. And other things pay off: I feel better, my blood test values are good, etc.
I'm wondering if it will be a lifetime battle? The pull to eating food that's bad for me? I calculate so. I do come from a family of alcoholics. I'm the only one who doesn't drink to excess--and I'm the only heavy one--provocative, huh? I once read a book saying alcoholism is an inherited genetic addition to sugar.
Food for thought.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Made it
I realized halfway through the day I was well on the way to having a simple carb free day. So, though I've wanted to have something with sugar in it all day, I abstained. It's been one of those days too.
Anna is apparently sick (a family cold is not what we need when I'm to see the ENT in Seattle on Monday), and Bessie threw up on the carpet (I don't think she had what Maggie had, but still...). And fella, my back is in bad shape. Anna's two dance classes being on back to back days now is bad juju for my spine.
I almost baked. But I didn't. That would not have helped anything (for more than five minutes).
Anna is apparently sick (a family cold is not what we need when I'm to see the ENT in Seattle on Monday), and Bessie threw up on the carpet (I don't think she had what Maggie had, but still...). And fella, my back is in bad shape. Anna's two dance classes being on back to back days now is bad juju for my spine.
I almost baked. But I didn't. That would not have helped anything (for more than five minutes).
Saturday, September 17, 2011
My new plan (v. 3087)
This weekend Mark and Anna are Daddy-Daughter camp in Stanwood. So, it's just me and the girls hanging out. Due to my post-op situation, I can't tear into a huge project like I usually do when they're away. I was going to go along and stay with friends who live at the camp, but frankly, my body is just not up to it.
So, I'm home. I've puttered and gotten a few non-physical projects done, which is a great feeling. I've also watched movies and read, just generally realized and rested my back and voice.
But, I've cooked a bit too. I made more brownies. I seem to be on a quest to perfect my recipe. Today I eschewed the cinnamon and put streaks of raspberry jam in them. Wow! I was reasonable, though. I gave some to our neighbors, and set aside three for tomorrow, for Mark, Anna, and I to have one when get home. So, I had two or three total. Not too shabby.
My plan is this pending week to tighten my belt a little and reduce my carb intake even more. I haven't been eating too much by "normal" standards; but, we established "normal" waved bye bye to me at birth.
I plan to go on another hcg round in early January. Yes, to lose the same damn 30# again. I'm hoping the next time, it will take. I'm going to keep working until I reach my goal. Then, I'll be working to maintain my goal.
I'm taking a longer view than previous. I figure, at this point, I will go on an hcg round every year, as necessary. So, I won't be to my ultimate goal for some time. BUT, if I can get down a bit each time, then somehow get my body to accept the weight, and hold it, the next year, I can go down farther.
I felt pretty good at my last LIW (last injection weight). Too bad it went away the day I ended my injections. But, my doctor and I agree four hcg rounds in a year is too much. I'm hoping with a year off, I will stabilize next time without difficulty (like I did with my first cycle). If I can maintain, the next year's round (2013), I will be darn close to my goal--or maybe even at my goal. We'll have to see. A 40+ year old body is different than a 20 year old body.
If I need to get more weight off, or if I slide up a bit, I can do more rounds. Perhaps a short round? Sweet. Those aren't so bad! Being hungry for three weeks is a LOT better than being hungry for seven weeks.
Well, that's the plan. This next week, fewer carbs. Again. Feh. I just hope to maintain where I am. I keep trying! A friend of mine once defined success as getting up one more time than you're knocked down.
So, I'm home. I've puttered and gotten a few non-physical projects done, which is a great feeling. I've also watched movies and read, just generally realized and rested my back and voice.
But, I've cooked a bit too. I made more brownies. I seem to be on a quest to perfect my recipe. Today I eschewed the cinnamon and put streaks of raspberry jam in them. Wow! I was reasonable, though. I gave some to our neighbors, and set aside three for tomorrow, for Mark, Anna, and I to have one when get home. So, I had two or three total. Not too shabby.
My plan is this pending week to tighten my belt a little and reduce my carb intake even more. I haven't been eating too much by "normal" standards; but, we established "normal" waved bye bye to me at birth.
I plan to go on another hcg round in early January. Yes, to lose the same damn 30# again. I'm hoping the next time, it will take. I'm going to keep working until I reach my goal. Then, I'll be working to maintain my goal.
I'm taking a longer view than previous. I figure, at this point, I will go on an hcg round every year, as necessary. So, I won't be to my ultimate goal for some time. BUT, if I can get down a bit each time, then somehow get my body to accept the weight, and hold it, the next year, I can go down farther.
I felt pretty good at my last LIW (last injection weight). Too bad it went away the day I ended my injections. But, my doctor and I agree four hcg rounds in a year is too much. I'm hoping with a year off, I will stabilize next time without difficulty (like I did with my first cycle). If I can maintain, the next year's round (2013), I will be darn close to my goal--or maybe even at my goal. We'll have to see. A 40+ year old body is different than a 20 year old body.
If I need to get more weight off, or if I slide up a bit, I can do more rounds. Perhaps a short round? Sweet. Those aren't so bad! Being hungry for three weeks is a LOT better than being hungry for seven weeks.
Well, that's the plan. This next week, fewer carbs. Again. Feh. I just hope to maintain where I am. I keep trying! A friend of mine once defined success as getting up one more time than you're knocked down.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Man Up Monday
I got on the scale. Damn, wish I didn't.
I have regained more than I thought. I have regained a staggering 35#, in three months. Have I eaten that much? Nope. Has this happened before? Yep. Do they know what causes it? Nope.
Will I give up, dive into a Ben & Jerry's carton and pull the lid in after me? Nope.
I have regained more than I thought. I have regained a staggering 35#, in three months. Have I eaten that much? Nope. Has this happened before? Yep. Do they know what causes it? Nope.
Will I give up, dive into a Ben & Jerry's carton and pull the lid in after me? Nope.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Maggie is sick
Maggie is our 13 and a half year old Labrador retriever, and we think the best dog ever. Friday morning all was normal (she's been quite healthy), but by mid-morning, she was sick. We took her to the vet, he thought she got into something and would be ok, gave her a shot to stop her vomiting, etc. But yesterday morning, she was very bad off. So we took her to the vet where she is now.
They're not sure what's wrong with her because her lab work is strange. Her blood counts are normal, which they shouldn't be, because she has a fever. The meds improved her fever and helped her stop vomiting, which is good, but she was still very weak. The vet said there's a chance it's something called Addison's Disease, but that doesn't seem very likely to me, as her symptoms were so out of the blue.
So the idea is to support her system with iv fluids and anti-nausea medication to give her body a chance to fight back. But the fact her blood work is strange indicates the infection might just be too bad to fight. Where did it come from? If she got into something...? Bessie is fine and those two are together all the time.
So I'm miserable. That's why I'm up at 5:30. I can't sleep, worrying about Maggie, scared, alone, and sick in the dark. It's not a city animal hospital that's staffed all night. They come in late, they come in early, but overnight she's alone. And what if she's gone? I can't stand that thought.
We got her in May of 1998. She's been part of our family a long time. She was our baby when we couldn't get pregnant. She went everywhere with us. I used to carry her around the house when she weighed 10#. I sure couldn't do that when she weighed 70# Now she's down to 58#, too skinny. Little Bessie weighs more than that.
I know she's had a good and long life, but I don't want to lose her. Yesterday when we got there, none of us wanted to bring her in. We were all scared it was her last ride. She'd been so miserable, she was unable to sleep, but in the car, she curled up on Anna's sweatshirt and finally snoozed. I think we all were silently contemplating making a break for it and taking her home. But we knew she needed the care the vets can offer. But I want her home. Our scheduled visitation time is 9:30this morning. I don't know what we'll find; it truly could go either way.
I hope she's ok.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Brownies: an epilogue
I made the brownies in a controlled, planned fashion. And they were good. I feel fine about it because it wasn't compulsive or me trying to self medicate.
But, they're just brownies. They contain no healing powers.
But, they're just brownies. They contain no healing powers.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Staying ahead of the brownies
It's getting easier. But, I do plan on making them this week, planned ahead, as a special treat to go with a nice dinner. I'm thinking it would be a good thing to share with our neighbors. I don't need to eat the better part of a 9x9 pan of brownies.
Feeling blue. School to start tomorrow. How will I manage this? When I lost my voice 11 weeks ago, I never even considered the possibility I might be voiceless come school time. Really, who would?
There's a "voice expert" ENT at the UW in Seattle. Mark's going to call and get me on the schedule. Meanwhile, I'll keep up my acupuncture and try to hope for the best. Sometimes I feel ok, like I'm managing the stress of post-op, Mark's potential imminent career change, and being a Mommy/teacher with no voice, and other times I want to pull the covers over my head and refuse to leave my room.
Why again shouldn't I make those brownies? :}
Feeling blue. School to start tomorrow. How will I manage this? When I lost my voice 11 weeks ago, I never even considered the possibility I might be voiceless come school time. Really, who would?
There's a "voice expert" ENT at the UW in Seattle. Mark's going to call and get me on the schedule. Meanwhile, I'll keep up my acupuncture and try to hope for the best. Sometimes I feel ok, like I'm managing the stress of post-op, Mark's potential imminent career change, and being a Mommy/teacher with no voice, and other times I want to pull the covers over my head and refuse to leave my room.
Why again shouldn't I make those brownies? :}
Sunday, September 4, 2011
It worked again, but barely
I still want those brownies. I noticed I particularly wanted them after an occasional neighbor popped in and made me feel crummy. Many people inadvertently make me feel bad about my voice and/or surgery score card. She's one of them. (I'm still a normal person. And yes, I'm aware I "...still can't talk???!?!!!" and even that, I "...had surgery AGAINNNNN?????" You don't have to point it out to me. And you don't have to talk loudly; I can hear fine, thank you.)
So when she left, I just felt tired, defeated, and bad about myself. And even more like a loser. And hey, those brownies started to sound even better. But I thought about it, and reflected on the truth of the Kung Fu Panda wisdom, The cup you seek to fill has no bottom, and decided to not try to fill it with chocolate.
At least not this day.
So when she left, I just felt tired, defeated, and bad about myself. And even more like a loser. And hey, those brownies started to sound even better. But I thought about it, and reflected on the truth of the Kung Fu Panda wisdom, The cup you seek to fill has no bottom, and decided to not try to fill it with chocolate.
At least not this day.
Aberration or breakthrough?
Last night I was sort of planning on making my killer possibly world famous Mexican dark chocolate brownies with mocha Kahlua extract. I was tired (as per usual) and my back hurt (as per usual), but they only take 10 minutes to put in the oven (Can you tell I've made them before?).
It was 9. For a long time, I didn't eat after dinner. Ever. I've lost my way; I know that. I also know it's okay to give myself a break. My body's going through a lot right now. And, on top of that, I'm anemic again, so I need the extra strength (No, I'm not self deluded enough to think sugar and flour is the preferred fuel at this time, but even so...).
So, I stood in the kitchen a moment. Then I thought of something. You'll love this--wisdom from Po. Yes, Po: The Kung Fu Panda. OK, not him specifically, but the movie. As I was at that point where I'd either get out the ingredients from the baking cupboard, or not, I realized: the cup I seek to fill has no bottom.
I was not going to eat because I was hungry, or because we were having a nice treat with dinner, I was going to eat to make myself feel better. And that cup has no bottom. So, I made a cup of tea, and spend the remainder of the waning hours on the couch with my book.
It was 9. For a long time, I didn't eat after dinner. Ever. I've lost my way; I know that. I also know it's okay to give myself a break. My body's going through a lot right now. And, on top of that, I'm anemic again, so I need the extra strength (No, I'm not self deluded enough to think sugar and flour is the preferred fuel at this time, but even so...).
So, I stood in the kitchen a moment. Then I thought of something. You'll love this--wisdom from Po. Yes, Po: The Kung Fu Panda. OK, not him specifically, but the movie. As I was at that point where I'd either get out the ingredients from the baking cupboard, or not, I realized: the cup I seek to fill has no bottom.
I was not going to eat because I was hungry, or because we were having a nice treat with dinner, I was going to eat to make myself feel better. And that cup has no bottom. So, I made a cup of tea, and spend the remainder of the waning hours on the couch with my book.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
a mystery
Sometimes I click on the site stats. Every day somebody, normally more than one, has looked at an old post called Addendum to the Last Post. It wasn't a particularly special post.
It's old. And yet, out of curiosity, when I clicked on all time stats, that particular post has been viewed far and away more than any one.
Any idea why?
It's old. And yet, out of curiosity, when I clicked on all time stats, that particular post has been viewed far and away more than any one.
Any idea why?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thinking of taking a break
...from the blog. I'm not doing the hcg program now, and I'm not sure how interesting my random stuff is to anybody right now. I like other people's random stuff, but my own seems tedious.
If you have an opinion on that, let me know! Thanks. :)
If you have an opinion on that, let me know! Thanks. :)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
That's just mean
Remember how I was going to go no dairy for a week and see how it went? But then my schedule got messed up and then I forgot about it?
Well, my throat care person has suggested I try it (temporarily). It makes me very sad to not have cream in my tea or my beloved Greek Gods yogurt. Those are low carb things that make my tummy happy.
Gotta do it, though. If it helps, it will be well worth the sacrifice. I think I eat too much yogurt and cheese anyway.
Well, my throat care person has suggested I try it (temporarily). It makes me very sad to not have cream in my tea or my beloved Greek Gods yogurt. Those are low carb things that make my tummy happy.
Gotta do it, though. If it helps, it will be well worth the sacrifice. I think I eat too much yogurt and cheese anyway.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Acceptance
I decided a couple of days ago I needed to stop just fretting about my lack of voice and its impact on Anna's and my school, and start figuring out what we're going to do about it. At first, it felt impossible.
But then, as the acceptance made itself comfortable, some ideas came to mind. On some of the things I normally read aloud, she can! Some things, we just won't do, and will try to catch up later. Some other things, Mark can do. And yet some other things, I'll type out (they have to be short, though). Pretty much every year we've done school, I've had surgery, or some other earth shaking thing has happened; and we've always gotten by.
Yes, I was happy this year my surgery was earlier, and that we apparently had no obstacles in our way this time (I do weary of playing catch-up). But, apparently, this is ours for now.
People tell me, Oh, don't sweat it! It's always easy to say when it's not you. My favorite sports (and life) axiom is this: It's only a "minor" groin pull when it's somebody else.
I know we'll get through. I also know I won't necessarily be fat my whole life. But these challenges are difficult. Today, at my first physical therapy appointment (replete with Anna's computer to "talk" for me), she asked if I was still doing the HCG program. I had to tell her that I did more since I left physical therapy in January, but the last cycle failed, and I'm not doing it right now. Did I imagine a slight look of disapproval? Or is it my own fragile self image telling me, You failed again, Sandra....Well then. Enough musing.
Since the appointment, I've felt a little queasy. I remember that from sessions past, too. Weird. I think it's the massage, releasing toxins. It probably released some trapped anesthetic or something rogue into my blood stream. Or maybe it's just fatigue and pain manifesting from the past two busy days.
Yesterday we saw the ENT who looked at my cords again. The good news is, there's nothing structurally wrong with them. The bad news is, they're swollen and red. I had an acupuncture appointment, and think there's some improvement. I'm going for that again soon. Even the ENT said, "Why not?" At this point, I'm not ruling out anything. While this is frustrating, at least there's every reason to believe it's not permanent. It just feels like it.
Mark and Anna are at a medieval horse pageant. I'm a little sad I can't be there. But, we'll have fun together when they get home. Best focus on that.
I sure hope my voice is back "in time" to start school. But if it's not, we'll go forward nonetheless.
But then, as the acceptance made itself comfortable, some ideas came to mind. On some of the things I normally read aloud, she can! Some things, we just won't do, and will try to catch up later. Some other things, Mark can do. And yet some other things, I'll type out (they have to be short, though). Pretty much every year we've done school, I've had surgery, or some other earth shaking thing has happened; and we've always gotten by.
Yes, I was happy this year my surgery was earlier, and that we apparently had no obstacles in our way this time (I do weary of playing catch-up). But, apparently, this is ours for now.
People tell me, Oh, don't sweat it! It's always easy to say when it's not you. My favorite sports (and life) axiom is this: It's only a "minor" groin pull when it's somebody else.
I know we'll get through. I also know I won't necessarily be fat my whole life. But these challenges are difficult. Today, at my first physical therapy appointment (replete with Anna's computer to "talk" for me), she asked if I was still doing the HCG program. I had to tell her that I did more since I left physical therapy in January, but the last cycle failed, and I'm not doing it right now. Did I imagine a slight look of disapproval? Or is it my own fragile self image telling me, You failed again, Sandra....Well then. Enough musing.
Since the appointment, I've felt a little queasy. I remember that from sessions past, too. Weird. I think it's the massage, releasing toxins. It probably released some trapped anesthetic or something rogue into my blood stream. Or maybe it's just fatigue and pain manifesting from the past two busy days.
Yesterday we saw the ENT who looked at my cords again. The good news is, there's nothing structurally wrong with them. The bad news is, they're swollen and red. I had an acupuncture appointment, and think there's some improvement. I'm going for that again soon. Even the ENT said, "Why not?" At this point, I'm not ruling out anything. While this is frustrating, at least there's every reason to believe it's not permanent. It just feels like it.
Mark and Anna are at a medieval horse pageant. I'm a little sad I can't be there. But, we'll have fun together when they get home. Best focus on that.
I sure hope my voice is back "in time" to start school. But if it's not, we'll go forward nonetheless.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I just hope I don't get fatter
I can be "happy" if I can stay in my current clothes. It sucks enough having to lose the same pounds over again without having to get bigger clothes.
Ideally, when I heal from the surgery I can exercise more, which will help my metabolism.
Ideally, when I heal from the surgery I can exercise more, which will help my metabolism.
Leaning toward patience
Between the blog comment and my conversation with my friend Sea Monster, I'm leaning toward working on a healthy maintenance program. It makes sense. My body has been and is going through a lot. I just had spinal surgery, and there's something obviously wrong with having a perpetually inflamed voice box for over two months. Depriving my body of nutrition at this point does seem kind of stupid, when I stop and think about it.
Like I told SM, I think it's a bid on my part to desperately attempt to seize control of my body. I've been gaining weight, the surgery (and the dural tear), my voice...it seems my body is wholly out of my control. And I hate that.
But, given the last cycle didn't work, and it wouldn't stabilize, why would I think doing something harsh to it will beat it into submission? It probably won't. And it might get me into even more metabolic disarray, and ultimately create an even bigger problem in the long term.
So, ok. I'm going to finish the dreadful prednisone (which is making my face swell and gain weight), get through Angel of Death week, and then reassess. I'll weigh and measure and see where I am.
"Going on maintenance" sounds fine, but remember, it hasn't worked, and I've been trying since March. However, while I can't control what the scale does, I can work on reestablishing the best habits and not letting food control me.
Right now, I'll plan on another hcg cycle in January, after I've had time to recover and reestablish the healthier eating patterns. It's not the end of the world if I'm heavier than I'd like to be right now. People who love me don't love me less because my pants say 16 and not 12.
Like I told SM, I think it's a bid on my part to desperately attempt to seize control of my body. I've been gaining weight, the surgery (and the dural tear), my voice...it seems my body is wholly out of my control. And I hate that.
But, given the last cycle didn't work, and it wouldn't stabilize, why would I think doing something harsh to it will beat it into submission? It probably won't. And it might get me into even more metabolic disarray, and ultimately create an even bigger problem in the long term.
So, ok. I'm going to finish the dreadful prednisone (which is making my face swell and gain weight), get through Angel of Death week, and then reassess. I'll weigh and measure and see where I am.
"Going on maintenance" sounds fine, but remember, it hasn't worked, and I've been trying since March. However, while I can't control what the scale does, I can work on reestablishing the best habits and not letting food control me.
Right now, I'll plan on another hcg cycle in January, after I've had time to recover and reestablish the healthier eating patterns. It's not the end of the world if I'm heavier than I'd like to be right now. People who love me don't love me less because my pants say 16 and not 12.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Looking for opinions. Really. As in, email me when you read this.
I'm contemplating my next diet move, and would like opinions. It's been rough, obviously the diet itself, but my metabolism is so bad the doctors don't even know what to do about it. I have gained back a bit from the last cycle. I still fit all my "new" clothes, but they're snug instead of loose (damn it). Not my fault! I followed all my instructions. One theory is I did too many cycles close together. But I have gone six months now between cycles. That's long enough to try again.
One option is to try one more cycle this fall. I'd be done before the holidays, which would be nice. Or, I could wait until after the holidays. OR, I could try really hard to get my weight to just STAY. PUT. That's the chronic problem I've had since the last cycle ended in the spring. My weight shifts radically all the time. If I get it to stay put, I could wait awhile, and do another cycle at some point in the future. I'm not unhappy at this weight, I just want it to quit lurching around.
What do you think?
One option is to try one more cycle this fall. I'd be done before the holidays, which would be nice. Or, I could wait until after the holidays. OR, I could try really hard to get my weight to just STAY. PUT. That's the chronic problem I've had since the last cycle ended in the spring. My weight shifts radically all the time. If I get it to stay put, I could wait awhile, and do another cycle at some point in the future. I'm not unhappy at this weight, I just want it to quit lurching around.
What do you think?
Friday, August 19, 2011
Rich Mullins "Hard to Get"
You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow all I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow all I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Not to say all planning is bad
I do have some things I'm determined to do: eat healthfully, exercise, and try to think about good things. My mind tends to grind on negative things, especially things I can't fix, trying to find a way to repair them!
I have a few thorns in my paw that I will attempt to remove. Things that just aren't working. Prayers for that, please, as they involve other humans.
I think the next hcg session is in January. I'll try it one more time. I emailed my doctor, asking her why she thinks the last session was a total failure, and if it's prudent to try one more time. In its favor is it's been so very long since the last one. No more immunity to the hcg.
We shall see. In the meantime, I'll try to be both relaxed and disciplined. To fix what I can, and let free what I can't. Easy, right?
I have a few thorns in my paw that I will attempt to remove. Things that just aren't working. Prayers for that, please, as they involve other humans.
I think the next hcg session is in January. I'll try it one more time. I emailed my doctor, asking her why she thinks the last session was a total failure, and if it's prudent to try one more time. In its favor is it's been so very long since the last one. No more immunity to the hcg.
We shall see. In the meantime, I'll try to be both relaxed and disciplined. To fix what I can, and let free what I can't. Easy, right?
The latest plan
...is to try not to plan so hard. I'm not good at going with the flow. Sure, there's something to be said for being organized. But it shouldn't be at the expensive of having flexibility.
I'm sure for me it's mostly to combat my health issues. I have so little control over them, I look for that sense of security in other ways. But nothing goes according to plan!
I keep trying to plan what my weight will do. It never works. I've gained back some. And I did nothing to "earn" it. So I find myself trying to figure out how to get it off. Well, that never works. The fact is, there's something fundamentally wrong with my metabolism.
I can eat healthy, and should. I can exercise, as best I can, and should. But I can't control the outcome. That's what I need to accept and try to appreciate what gains I do make.
So, my plan is to try not to plan so much. It's difficult with food right now. Mark's not really available (with work and everything else he has to do to keep all the balls in the air while I recover) to cook a strict no carb diet for me. And when a friend bakes me a banana bread, I really don't want to not have any. Not right now.
So maybe doing my best can be enough.
I'm sure for me it's mostly to combat my health issues. I have so little control over them, I look for that sense of security in other ways. But nothing goes according to plan!
I keep trying to plan what my weight will do. It never works. I've gained back some. And I did nothing to "earn" it. So I find myself trying to figure out how to get it off. Well, that never works. The fact is, there's something fundamentally wrong with my metabolism.
I can eat healthy, and should. I can exercise, as best I can, and should. But I can't control the outcome. That's what I need to accept and try to appreciate what gains I do make.
So, my plan is to try not to plan so much. It's difficult with food right now. Mark's not really available (with work and everything else he has to do to keep all the balls in the air while I recover) to cook a strict no carb diet for me. And when a friend bakes me a banana bread, I really don't want to not have any. Not right now.
So maybe doing my best can be enough.
Friday, August 12, 2011
We're home
I'm so happy to be home. Things were simpler in Phoenix, though. Nothing to do but rest. I'm already being pulled mentally by the stuff I want and need to do. It's killing to lay around and watch Anna and Mark try and do everything. Sure, I can do a little, but not a lot for awhile. And I'm wiped out and doubly sore from the travel yesterday. And the day before, I spent the day at the clinic being treated for a severe headache and nausea. So, I'm not my usual self.
I'm a little put out at the universe right now. Mark and I ate the same. He did not gain weight. HOW is that even possible? I did. I have gained close to 30 pounds back in the past three months. My old pattern. I ate too much in Phoenix. Before that, I did not.
Where to go from here? Well, after a settling in period, back on the hard core Protein and Produce diet. Sure, it doesn't make me thin (as it should), but it helps. And I feel good on it. That counts for something.
I need to remind myself, we'll get into a new pattern, a post-op/recovery pattern. We'll work in my physical therapy appointments (if it's like in the past, through the end of the year). The New Normal will form. I WILL get my voice back. Somehow.
We'll move forward.
I'm a little put out at the universe right now. Mark and I ate the same. He did not gain weight. HOW is that even possible? I did. I have gained close to 30 pounds back in the past three months. My old pattern. I ate too much in Phoenix. Before that, I did not.
Where to go from here? Well, after a settling in period, back on the hard core Protein and Produce diet. Sure, it doesn't make me thin (as it should), but it helps. And I feel good on it. That counts for something.
I need to remind myself, we'll get into a new pattern, a post-op/recovery pattern. We'll work in my physical therapy appointments (if it's like in the past, through the end of the year). The New Normal will form. I WILL get my voice back. Somehow.
We'll move forward.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
The more I think about it
...the more I feel good about going very hard core again with the avoiding simple carbs (after we get settled in, of course). I may not lose much weight, but I DO feel better, and my lab values are good. It's the right thing to do.
Right now, though, not. We're here. We can't make our own food. You know. We'll transition when we get home. We need a little time to settle in and a friend promised me a birthday cake. I'm thinking, in theory, a week should be enough to start to settle down and settle in.
I guess I'm going to take that prednisone Rx too. I'll ask Mark to call the spine doctor tomorrow and ask if it's appropriate for me to take those meds when I get home. I doubt there will be contraindications for my back, but who knows. I shudder when I think about my famous prednisone headaches, but I MUST get my voice back. This is beyond ridiculous.
I'm feeling kind of isolated. I've been here awhile now. Today was supposed to be the other surgery, but since it was cancelled, shouldn't I be home by now? And people's lives are continuing. Mine's not. So I'm kind of floating alone in space, feeling lonely and worried about the future.
Right now, though, not. We're here. We can't make our own food. You know. We'll transition when we get home. We need a little time to settle in and a friend promised me a birthday cake. I'm thinking, in theory, a week should be enough to start to settle down and settle in.
I guess I'm going to take that prednisone Rx too. I'll ask Mark to call the spine doctor tomorrow and ask if it's appropriate for me to take those meds when I get home. I doubt there will be contraindications for my back, but who knows. I shudder when I think about my famous prednisone headaches, but I MUST get my voice back. This is beyond ridiculous.
I'm feeling kind of isolated. I've been here awhile now. Today was supposed to be the other surgery, but since it was cancelled, shouldn't I be home by now? And people's lives are continuing. Mine's not. So I'm kind of floating alone in space, feeling lonely and worried about the future.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
A few more days
...in the desert before heading home. I'm recovering. It's good to be here and heal up a bit from the spinal fluid leak and surgery, but there's no place like home. My pets and house are in good hands, but even so, I want to be there.
We've been eating too much. Mark has finally convinced me he gains weight easily and quickly as well. It's a nice thing to be on the same page about eating when we get back. Of course he'll be able to continue his buff guy work out routine, while I'll be toddling around the yard for five minutes... But, even so. Produce and protein. Same page. It's good.
I feel like this summer has been a crossroads. We've been working so long towards Mark's graduation and this surgery, and now they've both happened. It's time to start the new road. I don't know when he'll get a teaching job, but he'll at least be subbing. I don't know when I'll recover enough from this surgery to get back to more "normalcy,"--and hopefully better than before, but at least it's done now.
It sucks when I eat healthy I don't lose much weight. But I do know for sure, when I don't eat healthfully, I pack it on like mad. That won't do. So at least I have a plan: eat really healthfully, all the time. I can work on my metabolism with supplements, different types of foods, whatever. There's still hope.
I also feel like it's time to make some changes in my life as a whole. Maybe everybody feels like that when there's a huge event, like surgery and/or graduation. There's just a few things that aren't working, and it's time to accept it and let them go.
I'm 42 now (as of Wednesday). And isn't 42 the ANSWER to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? Best not waste this year.
We've been eating too much. Mark has finally convinced me he gains weight easily and quickly as well. It's a nice thing to be on the same page about eating when we get back. Of course he'll be able to continue his buff guy work out routine, while I'll be toddling around the yard for five minutes... But, even so. Produce and protein. Same page. It's good.
I feel like this summer has been a crossroads. We've been working so long towards Mark's graduation and this surgery, and now they've both happened. It's time to start the new road. I don't know when he'll get a teaching job, but he'll at least be subbing. I don't know when I'll recover enough from this surgery to get back to more "normalcy,"--and hopefully better than before, but at least it's done now.
It sucks when I eat healthy I don't lose much weight. But I do know for sure, when I don't eat healthfully, I pack it on like mad. That won't do. So at least I have a plan: eat really healthfully, all the time. I can work on my metabolism with supplements, different types of foods, whatever. There's still hope.
I also feel like it's time to make some changes in my life as a whole. Maybe everybody feels like that when there's a huge event, like surgery and/or graduation. There's just a few things that aren't working, and it's time to accept it and let them go.
I'm 42 now (as of Wednesday). And isn't 42 the ANSWER to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? Best not waste this year.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Doing a little better
My housecall went well. We have a good plan and my spinal fluid leak seems to be healing. The nurse brought me a cake and a birthday card. How can that not make you smile? And some friends sent me cards, and presents for Anna, and it's just...nice.
Doesn't look like we can change our plane, so I guess I'll just stay here another week getting fatter.
When we get home, both Mark and I have agreed to pretty much ban carbs from the house, save one meal a week, our "Family Fun Night," the one night a week we watch a movie with dinner and have a festive meal (like homemade pizza and a dessert). The other nights we're pretty much protein and produce.
Not that that's kept obesity from my door. But we'll work on that. This bump in the road won't keep me down for long. Just a little while.
Doesn't look like we can change our plane, so I guess I'll just stay here another week getting fatter.
When we get home, both Mark and I have agreed to pretty much ban carbs from the house, save one meal a week, our "Family Fun Night," the one night a week we watch a movie with dinner and have a festive meal (like homemade pizza and a dessert). The other nights we're pretty much protein and produce.
Not that that's kept obesity from my door. But we'll work on that. This bump in the road won't keep me down for long. Just a little while.
The joys of surgery
It did not go as planned. What a shocker, huh? I'm currently on flat-bedrest because of leaking spinal fluid.
Too bad that is not a deterrent to stuffing my face. From all the post-surgery fluids, my face looks like a beach ball. Thankfully, I don't have much opportunity to look at myself.
Tonight is chocolate cake for my birthday (Some birthday, huh?!). Screw the carbs. This is an emergency.
Too bad that is not a deterrent to stuffing my face. From all the post-surgery fluids, my face looks like a beach ball. Thankfully, I don't have much opportunity to look at myself.
Tonight is chocolate cake for my birthday (Some birthday, huh?!). Screw the carbs. This is an emergency.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A good thought
I had one! In the midst of all the surgery and laryngitis stress, a bright light found me: that this will be over relatively soon. I've been dreading and preparing for this surgery for a long time. Many, many months. It's been hanging over my head.
But now, in just over a week from now (eight days), I'll be home. And I can start to reassemble the pieces with nothing but open road in front of me. I can get back to working in earnest on my metabolism/weight issues (I've been downgraded from a 105# loss to an 80# loss), and building up my back and health--without thinking of the axe hanging over my head, waiting to fall.
And it's a good feeling.
But now, in just over a week from now (eight days), I'll be home. And I can start to reassemble the pieces with nothing but open road in front of me. I can get back to working in earnest on my metabolism/weight issues (I've been downgraded from a 105# loss to an 80# loss), and building up my back and health--without thinking of the axe hanging over my head, waiting to fall.
And it's a good feeling.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I could run, but I could not hide
Leaving the state was not enough to evade the scale forever. It apprehended me under deep cover in Scottsdale, Arizona. Damn its ingenuity, anyway!
So, the news is not good. I hoped maybe my imagination was working overtime, but it appears my fears were realized: I've gained back every bit I lost on that last lame hcg (huge con game) session, plus a few for good measure. And that's with giving myself five pounds "credit" for the oppressive heat and water retention (my feet look like sausages--and not in a good way).
Well, that sucks.
So, the news is not good. I hoped maybe my imagination was working overtime, but it appears my fears were realized: I've gained back every bit I lost on that last lame hcg (huge con game) session, plus a few for good measure. And that's with giving myself five pounds "credit" for the oppressive heat and water retention (my feet look like sausages--and not in a good way).
Well, that sucks.
Little choices
Ok, so I'm not on a diet while I'm here. But I am trying to make good choices as I go along. This morning, I skipped the blueberry muffins in favor of whole grain toast. I'm hoping the cumulative effect will be good. With my psychotic metabolism, maybe I'll only gain 7 pounds, instead of 10.
Sigh....
Sigh....
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Hey, a blog update!
Getting ready to go. Too bad I hit the wall sometime yesterday afternoon (figuratively speaking, of course). At times like this I miss not having a mom or a sister to come and help). Well, I miss those things anyway, but especially now!
It's break time. My back has had it.
I hate it that I'm fatter. But I do take comfort in the fact that in 12 days, I'll be home again, working on restarting my life. Thankfully Mark is fully committed to the low carb lifestyle now. That will make it easier to try and work this weight down again. That's not helping us at the moment, though! All the busyness is not helping our diet.
I still don't know what to do about my metabolism. There seems to be no help for it. I don't know why this surprises me. It's been a huge factor in my life for the past 20 years or so.
Hopefully the staggering heat will be an appetite suppressant. Could happen.
It's break time. My back has had it.
I hate it that I'm fatter. But I do take comfort in the fact that in 12 days, I'll be home again, working on restarting my life. Thankfully Mark is fully committed to the low carb lifestyle now. That will make it easier to try and work this weight down again. That's not helping us at the moment, though! All the busyness is not helping our diet.
I still don't know what to do about my metabolism. There seems to be no help for it. I don't know why this surprises me. It's been a huge factor in my life for the past 20 years or so.
Hopefully the staggering heat will be an appetite suppressant. Could happen.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Learning to sing
I'm sad again. But it's ok. Running from sad has never done anybody any favors. And I don't go all Courtney Love when I'm sad, so it's alright.
People have said a lot of dumb things over the past month about my voice. Some have made really stupid, insensitive jokes. But this one acquaintance said something that was unarguably cheeky, but I've been pondering it.
He said, "Maybe God wants you to shut up. Sometimes He's not subtle." When he said that, I quirked my mouth at him and kind of (silently) chuckled. But it's left an impression. And I've thought a lot about it.
Anybody who knows me well knows I always try to turn something crappy into something good. Eventually. It's not that rotten things don't get me down--they do--but I don't stay down. My struggles with infertility led to me writing on that topic for a decade. I received many letters from around the world thanking me for my work, and some crediting my information with conception (Oh, please God, not the next Hitler--I'm just saying...). I've done that about a number of things. I try to put my struggles to good use for other people.
So, I'm trying to seek out a reason for this (Duh, I always do that, and almost never get one.), and if not a reason, something valuable to take away. I've reached a startling conclusion: at least 25% of what springs to my lips is not nice!
Ouch! But it's true. Sure, I'm sardonic and no help for it. But I can also be short tempered and sharp. There's a difference between funny sarcastic and asshole sarcastic. Nature vs. nurture? Indeed. My people are bilingual: impatience and sarcasm. But I think I can do better! I want to do better. Damn, if you knew me 20 years ago, you know I am better. Can I get a witness?
But it's not enough. I feel I'm being called to come up higher. But, why must He ask so much of me all the time? Am I that bad? Life is tiring me out. I'm old...I know I don't look it...
Anyway, I'm trying to learn to temper my temper. I'm hoping and praying when my voice returns I will choose to turn it off when there's something that doesn't need to be said. The work of a lifetime, I'd say.
Eating is not filling the hole, despite my best efforts! I believe this trial will come to an end. I just don't know when. I hope soon; I'm worried about the surgery. The other night I woke up scared. In the dark, all I could do was silently pray, "I'm scared...I'm scared..."
I miss my "normal" life. It's amazing how much better "normal" looks, even when your normal is hard! It's hard to bear this time alone in my silence. I miss talking with my family and friends. I miss talking and sharing. I miss singing.
But for now, I'm learning to sing on the inside.
People have said a lot of dumb things over the past month about my voice. Some have made really stupid, insensitive jokes. But this one acquaintance said something that was unarguably cheeky, but I've been pondering it.
He said, "Maybe God wants you to shut up. Sometimes He's not subtle." When he said that, I quirked my mouth at him and kind of (silently) chuckled. But it's left an impression. And I've thought a lot about it.
Anybody who knows me well knows I always try to turn something crappy into something good. Eventually. It's not that rotten things don't get me down--they do--but I don't stay down. My struggles with infertility led to me writing on that topic for a decade. I received many letters from around the world thanking me for my work, and some crediting my information with conception (Oh, please God, not the next Hitler--I'm just saying...). I've done that about a number of things. I try to put my struggles to good use for other people.
So, I'm trying to seek out a reason for this (Duh, I always do that, and almost never get one.), and if not a reason, something valuable to take away. I've reached a startling conclusion: at least 25% of what springs to my lips is not nice!
Ouch! But it's true. Sure, I'm sardonic and no help for it. But I can also be short tempered and sharp. There's a difference between funny sarcastic and asshole sarcastic. Nature vs. nurture? Indeed. My people are bilingual: impatience and sarcasm. But I think I can do better! I want to do better. Damn, if you knew me 20 years ago, you know I am better. Can I get a witness?
But it's not enough. I feel I'm being called to come up higher. But, why must He ask so much of me all the time? Am I that bad? Life is tiring me out. I'm old...I know I don't look it...
Anyway, I'm trying to learn to temper my temper. I'm hoping and praying when my voice returns I will choose to turn it off when there's something that doesn't need to be said. The work of a lifetime, I'd say.
Eating is not filling the hole, despite my best efforts! I believe this trial will come to an end. I just don't know when. I hope soon; I'm worried about the surgery. The other night I woke up scared. In the dark, all I could do was silently pray, "I'm scared...I'm scared..."
I miss my "normal" life. It's amazing how much better "normal" looks, even when your normal is hard! It's hard to bear this time alone in my silence. I miss talking with my family and friends. I miss talking and sharing. I miss singing.
But for now, I'm learning to sing on the inside.
My motivation left town with my voice
...and I can't find either. They never write, they never call...
Yeah, I'm struggling. I'm having a hard time keeping it all going. We've passed the month mark for my voice being gone. Nobody's ever heard of that. I get a lot of, "You STILL don't have a voice?!?!" with an accusatory expression conveying either they think I'm making it up or doing something to cause it.
I'm trying to get ready for this surgery trip! It's hard enough to manage life with a disability when one CAN talk. And add to that the fact that my last hcg cycle was a bust. The final insult with that is even when I eat "perfectly," the weight creeps back on. Now that I'm not being perfect (fairly good, I'd say), it's coming on quickly. I'm too scared to weigh, but I can tell. My pants aren't as loose and my face looks like a beachball.
It's weird because usually for me discipline tends to be an all or nothing kind of proposition. But in nearly every area, despite my obstacles, I'm keeping it between the lines. But there's one area where the cracks are showing: my diet and fitness.
I know it's dumb because I should be doing everything I can to gain as little as possible before the surgery, but I can't seem to get it back together. I've been slacking on my exercising, too. The mermaid and I haven't been able to coordinate for swimming, and the walking hasn't been happening, either. I've also been half-assing my personal workout routine.
I want to do better, but I can't seem to find my way back to the path. Lost again.
Yeah, I'm struggling. I'm having a hard time keeping it all going. We've passed the month mark for my voice being gone. Nobody's ever heard of that. I get a lot of, "You STILL don't have a voice?!?!" with an accusatory expression conveying either they think I'm making it up or doing something to cause it.
I'm trying to get ready for this surgery trip! It's hard enough to manage life with a disability when one CAN talk. And add to that the fact that my last hcg cycle was a bust. The final insult with that is even when I eat "perfectly," the weight creeps back on. Now that I'm not being perfect (fairly good, I'd say), it's coming on quickly. I'm too scared to weigh, but I can tell. My pants aren't as loose and my face looks like a beachball.
It's weird because usually for me discipline tends to be an all or nothing kind of proposition. But in nearly every area, despite my obstacles, I'm keeping it between the lines. But there's one area where the cracks are showing: my diet and fitness.
I know it's dumb because I should be doing everything I can to gain as little as possible before the surgery, but I can't seem to get it back together. I've been slacking on my exercising, too. The mermaid and I haven't been able to coordinate for swimming, and the walking hasn't been happening, either. I've also been half-assing my personal workout routine.
I want to do better, but I can't seem to find my way back to the path. Lost again.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Looking for advice
How does one get back on the (difficult and unsatisfying, but necessary) straight track when one has derailed?
Don't get me wrong, I'm still eating all the healthy stuff; it's just the other stuff that's encroached.
Doing a steak day tomorrow. Hope I don't scream when I do a pre steak day weigh in tomorrow.
Wait, even if I do scream, nobody will be able to hear it (damned voice).
Don't get me wrong, I'm still eating all the healthy stuff; it's just the other stuff that's encroached.
Doing a steak day tomorrow. Hope I don't scream when I do a pre steak day weigh in tomorrow.
Wait, even if I do scream, nobody will be able to hear it (damned voice).
Shout out to Latvia
Just so you know, I myself am a wee bit Latvian.
Welcome, Countrymen. Thanks for reading.
Welcome, Countrymen. Thanks for reading.
A good song off a good album
Human Touch
by Joe Jackson
Some say the world is spinning faster
Some say it isn't fast enough
Some people say they've got the answer
and some are scared to say they can't keep up
I read the paper but it still isn't clear
The bombs are falling but I'm still here
I know all the figures and I know all the facts
But all I can do is keep trying . . .
To look for the Human Touch
Life is hard when you've got nothing
Life can be hard when you've got too much
Sometimes I wonder what's the difference
It's only better with someone to touch
I got the telephone stuck to my ear
I keep yelling but you don't hear
In all the universe I'm just a speck of dust
But all I can do is keep trying . . .
To give you the Human Touch
You know we're nothing in the scheme of things
Just microchips in big machines
And the world is spinning round and round
but I know that we can slow it down
And I know that I can make you see
I'm on the side of you and me
and all I want to do
listen to me . . .
Is give you . . . give you
Give you the Human Touch
by Joe Jackson
Some say the world is spinning faster
Some say it isn't fast enough
Some people say they've got the answer
and some are scared to say they can't keep up
I read the paper but it still isn't clear
The bombs are falling but I'm still here
I know all the figures and I know all the facts
But all I can do is keep trying . . .
To look for the Human Touch
Life is hard when you've got nothing
Life can be hard when you've got too much
Sometimes I wonder what's the difference
It's only better with someone to touch
I got the telephone stuck to my ear
I keep yelling but you don't hear
In all the universe I'm just a speck of dust
But all I can do is keep trying . . .
To give you the Human Touch
You know we're nothing in the scheme of things
Just microchips in big machines
And the world is spinning round and round
but I know that we can slow it down
And I know that I can make you see
I'm on the side of you and me
and all I want to do
listen to me . . .
Is give you . . . give you
Give you the Human Touch
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
rough patch
Well, it went up again, though I'd ingested no scarbs (simple carbs). Then we hit the weekend and some plans. Now I'm just having a hard time finding any motivation, especially given we're leaving soon for Arizona.
We have a plan for trying to eat reasonably when there, but we don't have a condo, and it won't be that easy. And call me a whiner if you will (I won't disagree), but it sucks to have surgery and dieting during the process just doesn't appeal to me.
I do plan on being pretty straight and narrow after we get home and settled. I don't understand why I gain when I don't eat any simple carbs, but I guess minimizing the carnage is worth something.
I'm way blue about my voice still being gone. I have so much to do. I'm supposed to go with my dad to a family event in Vancouver, WA next week. Not being able to talk for that is not an appealing prospect. It'll be weird enough as is.
It's a blue summer, that's for sure.
We have a plan for trying to eat reasonably when there, but we don't have a condo, and it won't be that easy. And call me a whiner if you will (I won't disagree), but it sucks to have surgery and dieting during the process just doesn't appeal to me.
I do plan on being pretty straight and narrow after we get home and settled. I don't understand why I gain when I don't eat any simple carbs, but I guess minimizing the carnage is worth something.
I'm way blue about my voice still being gone. I have so much to do. I'm supposed to go with my dad to a family event in Vancouver, WA next week. Not being able to talk for that is not an appealing prospect. It'll be weird enough as is.
It's a blue summer, that's for sure.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Argh!
I gave up my bowl of ice cream for .2?! Oh well, if I had of had some, I'd likely have been up at least a full pound.
Isn't that weird? It's supposed to work this way: your body burns up a certain number of calories each day. If you exceed what your body can burn by 3500 calories, you gain a pound.
Not so for me! It's a complete mystery, and not a fun one. Somehow it's all about chemistry and a rogue metabolism. I just don't get it.
Isn't that weird? It's supposed to work this way: your body burns up a certain number of calories each day. If you exceed what your body can burn by 3500 calories, you gain a pound.
Not so for me! It's a complete mystery, and not a fun one. Somehow it's all about chemistry and a rogue metabolism. I just don't get it.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I'm haunted by ice cream
There's an unusual amount of ice cream in my house. Not yucky ice milk, or Sno Star, but good, high quality product.
And I wannnnttttttttt it!
But I want the scale to continue to go down more.
And I wannnnttttttttt it!
But I want the scale to continue to go down more.
A close shave
After my ENT visit (Nothing "serious," my voice will come back someday; but if it doesn't in a month, come back.), we went to the library to see a family showing of The Lion King (Anna had never seen it before.).
They served huge, bottomless bowls of Pirate's Booty. I abstained and nibbled on fruit instead.
Saintly.
They served huge, bottomless bowls of Pirate's Booty. I abstained and nibbled on fruit instead.
Saintly.
Woot!
Another 1.8# down. Wow, water retention is powerful. I'm sure that's that, though. And still five pounds over my "stabilized" weight. In three weeks. No, I didn't eat that much. Stupid metabolism!
Onward and upward. I even stayed up late last night to pack lunches so I'd not be tempted to carb.
Onward and upward. I even stayed up late last night to pack lunches so I'd not be tempted to carb.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I had an epiphany the other day
It occurred to me that "normal" looks a LOT better when one is deprived of it for any length of time--even if normal isn't easy.
I tend to talk a lot here about my health issues, and they're difficult. But the last three weeks, with no speaking voice, it indeed makes the usual look all the more attractive and welcome.
I promise to try and remember this when my voice comes back. Being able to communicate verbally is a great gift. It makes life all the more lovely.
I tend to talk a lot here about my health issues, and they're difficult. But the last three weeks, with no speaking voice, it indeed makes the usual look all the more attractive and welcome.
I promise to try and remember this when my voice comes back. Being able to communicate verbally is a great gift. It makes life all the more lovely.
Back on the path
After the relative success of the steak day, I'm back. I need to get those rogue 7# off...if I can. I went through my pre-surgery schedule and marked the comparatively few days I'll allow myself to have scarbs (simple carbs), and even that, I'll try to hold in check.
Yeah, it's sucky and unfair I can't have a "normal" amount of carbs, or even treats, but in the final analysis, that really doesn't matter. It is what it is. Perhaps after I recover from my back surgery I can start the search again for some sort of a miracle worker who can figure out what the heck the deal is with my metabolism and what we can do with it. In the mean time, I guess I have to use sandbags to try and keep the water from rising too fast. I'm hoping the scale will show a favorable number tomorrow. I'm doing the work.
And I thought I'd stabilized! Whaaaaa!
Tomorrow morning I see the ENT for my voice. Prayers! Good thoughts! I'll take what 'cha got. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yeah, it's sucky and unfair I can't have a "normal" amount of carbs, or even treats, but in the final analysis, that really doesn't matter. It is what it is. Perhaps after I recover from my back surgery I can start the search again for some sort of a miracle worker who can figure out what the heck the deal is with my metabolism and what we can do with it. In the mean time, I guess I have to use sandbags to try and keep the water from rising too fast. I'm hoping the scale will show a favorable number tomorrow. I'm doing the work.
And I thought I'd stabilized! Whaaaaa!
Tomorrow morning I see the ENT for my voice. Prayers! Good thoughts! I'll take what 'cha got. I'll let you know how it goes.
It sucks less now
Best steak day ever! Six pounds! The bad news is, I've still gained 7 "legit" pounds. In three weeks. Again, GMAB! That's so wrong.
I'm back at my post-vacation weight. Cripes.
What can I do? Anyone? Anyone?
I'm back at my post-vacation weight. Cripes.
What can I do? Anyone? Anyone?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What can be done?
Three weeks without weighing. Yes, I've eaten more. But not that much more. Certainly nothing that should make it possible to have gained...13 pounds.
I'm now #25 above my LIW. Hey, that's even higher than when I started this last damnable cycle.
Depressed.
I'm now #25 above my LIW. Hey, that's even higher than when I started this last damnable cycle.
Depressed.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Back on the straight and narrow
No simple carbs (scarbs) ingested today. Yet. I made soup for lunch, and am making a good dinner, salads for both. I'm going to sit down with my calendar and see how long I can go without a scarb. Yeah, I hate that, but I can totally tell the belly is growing. No good can come from that.
I'm pretty tired and sore from The Hike yesterday. But thankfully my knee isn't the size of a watermelon today. That's probably the biggest thing that has improved with the weight loss: my knee. It's not a normal knee, but it's not quite so oversensitive.
Too bad it hasn't helped the rest of me with that.
I'm pretty tired and sore from The Hike yesterday. But thankfully my knee isn't the size of a watermelon today. That's probably the biggest thing that has improved with the weight loss: my knee. It's not a normal knee, but it's not quite so oversensitive.
Too bad it hasn't helped the rest of me with that.
Monday, July 11, 2011
It sounded like a good idea
Well, as you know I've been trying to fight through the pain and get in better shape--mostly getting in shape for my surgery (which I still think is weird). Until recently, I swam twice a week with The Mermaid. But lately we haven't been going. I don't often walk, though I like to, because hills hurt, and I live on a hill that's on a hill that's on a hill.
Today we drove up to Sol Duc Falls. I decided I wanted to hike to the falls. It's a two mile round trip. For some reason, I suddenly decided I could do it. Why would I think that, after being too scared to try to walk to the Bookmobile (a mere half mile)? I don't know except that I'm a believer in momentum. I felt like I could do it, so off we went.
At first I was good. Capering and gamboling around. When there was nobody else on the trail, I let my stomach out for some fresh air. :) Not a pretty sight, but it made them laugh. Beautiful walk. We're doing well. I start to wonder how darn long is this? Why is it mostly all hill? Then, about 2/3 of the way up, I thought I might have a stroke.
I kept on. Eventually, we got to the top. Just as beautiful as I remember. But, we have to go back. I remember a big part of the reason I haven't done much hiking at all the past few years: when I do it my knee tends to swell up. Great. Now I remember.
About 2/3 of the way down, I whisper in a hiss, "Where the hell is Mordor, anyway?" and start swatting at imaginary things, a la Frodo.
But I made it. It's not Mount Everest, but I did it.
Today we drove up to Sol Duc Falls. I decided I wanted to hike to the falls. It's a two mile round trip. For some reason, I suddenly decided I could do it. Why would I think that, after being too scared to try to walk to the Bookmobile (a mere half mile)? I don't know except that I'm a believer in momentum. I felt like I could do it, so off we went.
At first I was good. Capering and gamboling around. When there was nobody else on the trail, I let my stomach out for some fresh air. :) Not a pretty sight, but it made them laugh. Beautiful walk. We're doing well. I start to wonder how darn long is this? Why is it mostly all hill? Then, about 2/3 of the way up, I thought I might have a stroke.
I kept on. Eventually, we got to the top. Just as beautiful as I remember. But, we have to go back. I remember a big part of the reason I haven't done much hiking at all the past few years: when I do it my knee tends to swell up. Great. Now I remember.
About 2/3 of the way down, I whisper in a hiss, "Where the hell is Mordor, anyway?" and start swatting at imaginary things, a la Frodo.
But I made it. It's not Mount Everest, but I did it.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
We need to talk
Heck, I need to talk! 17 days with no voice. Three weeks with The Virus. I felt ill until Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. I have to say one good thing: I've come to appreciate the ability to communicate much more than ever before. It even feels more important to me than the inability to sit! If I had to choose between never being able to sit or talk again, sitting can go.
It's depressing, frustrating, and worrisome. With my sordid medical history, I start thinking, what if this never goes away? Food...has not been good. I've been playing fast and loose with it and I've not weighed. And I don't feel good about it. Things have been so stressful! And I've seemed to have lost my fire for the whole project. I'm feeling burnt out and tired of working so hard for what feels like nothing. The weight comes back despite the constant deprivation and effort.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still eating mostly healthy. We have lots of produce and protein. It's just some other stuff has crept back in. I've not gone over to the dark side and starting drinking soda again (Mmmmm....soda....), and I've not eaten crap carbs, like Snickers (Mmmmm....snickers....). But, carb has made its evil, insidious way back into my daily diet.
I know I've gained. All my clothes still fit, but the ones that were loose, now aren't as loose. And with leaving for surgery in a couple of weeks, and eating take out exclusively FOR two weeks in Phoenix, I shudder.
I feel weird. I'm tired of trying to communicate with no speaking voice. I'm tired of people whispering at me, or worse yet, talking LOUDLY, and worst yet, talking to me slooowwwwlllyyy. It's weird. Some people get what I'm trying to say easily. Other people, good golly I could use a reader board and they'd not get it. So I end up whispering, and that flares up my vocal chords all the more.
I feel like everybody's forgetting me, too. We only had the smallest of summers to begin with, and now half is gone with sickness. Only a couple of weeks left to try and scramble to get done, and still no voice
As I whispered to Mark during church today, quoting The Great Gonzo, "I feel like I have starfish in my pants." Just uncomfortable. I miss my mom.
It's depressing, frustrating, and worrisome. With my sordid medical history, I start thinking, what if this never goes away? Food...has not been good. I've been playing fast and loose with it and I've not weighed. And I don't feel good about it. Things have been so stressful! And I've seemed to have lost my fire for the whole project. I'm feeling burnt out and tired of working so hard for what feels like nothing. The weight comes back despite the constant deprivation and effort.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still eating mostly healthy. We have lots of produce and protein. It's just some other stuff has crept back in. I've not gone over to the dark side and starting drinking soda again (Mmmmm....soda....), and I've not eaten crap carbs, like Snickers (Mmmmm....snickers....). But, carb has made its evil, insidious way back into my daily diet.
I know I've gained. All my clothes still fit, but the ones that were loose, now aren't as loose. And with leaving for surgery in a couple of weeks, and eating take out exclusively FOR two weeks in Phoenix, I shudder.
I feel weird. I'm tired of trying to communicate with no speaking voice. I'm tired of people whispering at me, or worse yet, talking LOUDLY, and worst yet, talking to me slooowwwwlllyyy. It's weird. Some people get what I'm trying to say easily. Other people, good golly I could use a reader board and they'd not get it. So I end up whispering, and that flares up my vocal chords all the more.
I feel like everybody's forgetting me, too. We only had the smallest of summers to begin with, and now half is gone with sickness. Only a couple of weeks left to try and scramble to get done, and still no voice
As I whispered to Mark during church today, quoting The Great Gonzo, "I feel like I have starfish in my pants." Just uncomfortable. I miss my mom.
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