I've already ran the highlights of the year down for you. But I'm still on about it. Probably 'cause I'm sick. I shouldn't whine so much, I'm almost never sick, as in sick with a virus. My health issues are typically chronic in nature.
But, being sick is clearly insult to injury! Like everybody else, we have a big list of commitments that are now having to be adjusted or cancelled. I dislike that intensely! And feeling really bad is no great shakes, either.
We realized at Christmas our oven was dreadfully overdue to be cleaned (self cleaning cycle). So, since I could not go along to a New Year's lunch at my dad's, I told Mark (Ok, I typed to Mark as I'm voiceless-again) I'd run the cycle while they were gone. Big mistake! The toxic smoke and smell are not improving my breathing and coughing. I think this virus is dampening some of my brain cells.
I think the worst of the smoke is over, but yuck, it smells awful in there! One of my resolutions is to clean it more often. I've had an idea for awhile, a perpetual calendar, for the house. Make a list of those odd chores one never thinks about and should be done (draining the water heater, washing the windows, clearly cleaning the oven), and divide them by 12. Thankfully, my husband is in on this, as he's the one that has to do all the muscle work around here.
I hope I'm not boring you! I'm trying to keep my mind off the acrid fumes and my upper respiratory ailment. :)
Could it be coincidence I woke up sick the morning after I pledged to make an effort to be more positive? I think not. It's hard to feel positive when one's sick and is having to let people down by canceling commitments--and worrying about pending travel (Orcas Island Monday), and the preparation for such.
With my chronic illness issue, I do work hard. And I accomplish a lot. I also do tend to take things harder than a "normal" would, especially interpersonal things. "Normal" people tend to be busier, have a broader life. I think of mine as rather small, but deep.
These things make friendship often hard for me. It's difficult to find people who understand. I mean really understand. I treasure the ones who do. I'm grateful to God for bringing some people into my life who "get" me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In moments of frustration, I wonder why anybody would bother. I come with a lot of baggage.
But, before I ramble endlessly on a toxic fume jag, I'll end with something heavy. Do not read ahead if you're not up for heavy. .... .....
You have been warned. I want to feel less sorry for myself. No, I'm not bad for that, but sometimes...I am. I think it's not fair I have to struggle so much with pain, illness, and weight. It doesn't seem right to me! But, I also know I have so much to be grateful for, and I need to keep my mind on that.
An acquaintance told me something recently, something that's both stuck with me, and haunted me a bit. Her little niece died a few years ago. Seven years old, and she died of cancer. The woman I know was telling me of her own guilt, should she have done more? Should she have taken her daughter over there to see her cousin more? Stuff like that.
She said the little girl died in September, and that she wanted Christmas one more time, so her parents decorated the house for Christmas for her right before she died. In the days leading up to her death, besides one more Christmas, she just wanted to go shopping one more time. So her Daddy carried her withered frame through Wal-Mart so she could look at the aisles.
That is real grief. That is real tragedy. And who the hell am I to whine about physical pain that's not fatal? Yes, it wears me down, and it's hard. Sometimes my emotions are effected in a weird way, a way I can tell is physiological. And when that happens, I try not to take myself too seriously.
But compared to the grief of losing a child, a husband, a wife, my problems are trifling. Please forgive me for dwelling on them. And thank you for reading. May we all see beauty and good in the year to come. Happy New Year!
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