I went in today for a painful problem I've been having and an incision check. The incision looks great. The other problem is one I've had for a long time. It's the bottom of rib cage, right side. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Why didn't I deal with it sooner? Because I've had other problems and I hoped it'd go away. It gets tiring being me (medical freak). They could save a lot of time at the doctors' offices by just starting the notes out with "Atypical."
So anyway, it's hurt a lot, off and on, for a long time. But, after my surgery, it went away. But, so did my rosacea. I, in an uncharacteristic show of optimism, believed it cured, thinking it was miraculously tied to my back. It wasn't. Both came back.
The physical therapist said she thought it was postural and gave me some stretches. But I wanted another opinion. It turns out it's...something. Darn, I forgot the whole name. The upshot is it's inflamed cartilage. He said the problem is you can't immobilize a rib cage. He agrees posture is likely a contributory factor, being so scrunched up so long, and now my body is recovering and changing from the surgery.
There's not a lot one can do; some ice, pepper cream (?), time. He said normally it goes away on its own fairly rapidly, but, "Because it's you, it'll take longer." Heh. Indeed.
A little blog about Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Appreciating each day for itself
Long ago I discovered, except for rare exceptions, each day has something wonderful in it. Sometimes you *really* have to look, but it's there. After my earlier post, I have had an interesting couple of hours. For one thing, I made my first complete meal since the surgery! I made salad (and washed the veggies) and navy bean soup. I'm pleased! I adore cooking, and I'm so excited I was able to do it. That's progress! Yeah, I was then too tired to shower and dress, but I'm going to do that next. :)
Another thing is, I watched half a movie while Mark and Anna were at church and the store (will finish it tonight). I didn't know what it was about, but got on the list at the library, and my name came up. It's called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Or is it the opposite? Anyway, it has Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks in it. Don't know why it's called that yet, and I hope it has a happier ending than the first hour.
Regardless of the odd movie title, it is a good reminder for me of how everybody's life is difficult and one should cherish each day with those you love, because well, you never know. So, even though I cried through the first hour of the movie, I'm cheered. I love my family and friends so much, and I'm blessed to have many special people in my life.
Another thing is, I watched half a movie while Mark and Anna were at church and the store (will finish it tonight). I didn't know what it was about, but got on the list at the library, and my name came up. It's called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Or is it the opposite? Anyway, it has Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks in it. Don't know why it's called that yet, and I hope it has a happier ending than the first hour.
Regardless of the odd movie title, it is a good reminder for me of how everybody's life is difficult and one should cherish each day with those you love, because well, you never know. So, even though I cried through the first hour of the movie, I'm cheered. I love my family and friends so much, and I'm blessed to have many special people in my life.
A scarb free day!
Finally! It was probably a month since the last one--maybe more. With the travel and surgery, and after surgery, and then it's just been hard. But, yesterday it finally happened. I did feel a bit of the "carb crash," especially in the evening. But I made it. That's always what it takes for me, getting that first day in, then it gets easier to control the amount of scarbs (simple carbs) I ingest.
I've still not gotten on the scale. All my clothes fit, but some are more snug than I'd like. And weight gain shows in my face immediately (stupid Scandinavian round face!). I figure I'm discouraged enough without a full frontal scale assault. I guess I'll just work on the eating (it's getting a little easier as I'm able to gradually participate more in the food preparation) and get to the scale later.
Been feeling blue off and on (especially at night when Mark's at the store). I try not to take it all so seriously, knowing this is both part of the physical part of recovery, and as my husband pointed out, of course I'd feel blue, it sucks that this is my 12th big surgery (most of which have happened in the past 10 years). Yes, I AM tired of this! Everybody telling me I'm doing awesome doesn't really make me feel awesome (though I appreciate the effort).
Let's see. I've had major surgery (we won't even count the many icky, awful procedures like epidural spinal shots and esophageal scopes--yeah, those are nine kinds of fun and no lie): 1970 (born blind and cross-eyed), 1985 (more eye), 1992 (That one took me out and made it so I couldn't graduate college on schedule; I had to drop out six weeks before graduation; and on what would have been my graduation day, I was recovering from my first back surgery.). THEN: 2001 (emergency c/s under general anesthetic--missed my only child's birth), 2002 (gall bladder), 2003 (back), 2003 again (knee--that was a banner year), 2007 (hiatal hernia), 2008 (thoracic outlet syndrome); yeah, I had 2009 "off" from surgery, but I miscarried my twin babies and my mother died four months later--one doesn't just shake that off; 2010, 2011, 2012 (back x 3). And there's the other non-surgical stuff, the chronic fatigue, the weird endocrine/weight stuff that's a neverending battle with no end in sight. So yeah, the novelty has worn off. Have I not given enough? Is there an end to this?
Ok, enough self pity. I agree. It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm not. I have a great life. I love my family and friends, my home, my town, my pets, and lots of things. Life really is a great and beautiful thing. I'm just feeling a bit wounded at the moment.
Time for a cup of tea and a vigorous round of blessing counting. Cheers!
I've still not gotten on the scale. All my clothes fit, but some are more snug than I'd like. And weight gain shows in my face immediately (stupid Scandinavian round face!). I figure I'm discouraged enough without a full frontal scale assault. I guess I'll just work on the eating (it's getting a little easier as I'm able to gradually participate more in the food preparation) and get to the scale later.
Been feeling blue off and on (especially at night when Mark's at the store). I try not to take it all so seriously, knowing this is both part of the physical part of recovery, and as my husband pointed out, of course I'd feel blue, it sucks that this is my 12th big surgery (most of which have happened in the past 10 years). Yes, I AM tired of this! Everybody telling me I'm doing awesome doesn't really make me feel awesome (though I appreciate the effort).
Let's see. I've had major surgery (we won't even count the many icky, awful procedures like epidural spinal shots and esophageal scopes--yeah, those are nine kinds of fun and no lie): 1970 (born blind and cross-eyed), 1985 (more eye), 1992 (That one took me out and made it so I couldn't graduate college on schedule; I had to drop out six weeks before graduation; and on what would have been my graduation day, I was recovering from my first back surgery.). THEN: 2001 (emergency c/s under general anesthetic--missed my only child's birth), 2002 (gall bladder), 2003 (back), 2003 again (knee--that was a banner year), 2007 (hiatal hernia), 2008 (thoracic outlet syndrome); yeah, I had 2009 "off" from surgery, but I miscarried my twin babies and my mother died four months later--one doesn't just shake that off; 2010, 2011, 2012 (back x 3). And there's the other non-surgical stuff, the chronic fatigue, the weird endocrine/weight stuff that's a neverending battle with no end in sight. So yeah, the novelty has worn off. Have I not given enough? Is there an end to this?
Ok, enough self pity. I agree. It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm not. I have a great life. I love my family and friends, my home, my town, my pets, and lots of things. Life really is a great and beautiful thing. I'm just feeling a bit wounded at the moment.
Time for a cup of tea and a vigorous round of blessing counting. Cheers!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Three weeks: ow
Today marks three weeks since my surgery. It feels like time is speeding up now, hurtling toward school starting in just under two weeks.
I woke up today in more pain than usual, and in different places; it's very odd, and unwelcome. I had a great physical therapy appointment yesterday, and the nerve issues felt improved. But today? I don't get it. It's rather discouraging.
So many people are telling me how great I'm doing and how great I look. The latter feels like a patent lie to me as I have gained weight since the surgery and my face is red and blotchy. I told my dad yesterday, while I know it's only been three weeks, it feels longer. I want credit for time served! This is my 12th major surgery, and if you count minor surgeries and "procedures"...well, I don't even want to count that high. That would take a vague feeling of discouragement and martyrdom and turn it into something worse.
I've got to get my act together with my diet and no joke. That concerns me a lot. I frankly have no motivation right now. Everything is so difficult already and when I'm scarb (simple carb) free, it takes a heck of a lot of work. And right now, I just don't have the energy or physical ability to do it.
So, ok, I guess I'm a whiner today. Sorry. Sometimes I feel down. I notice after every surgery more swings than is normal for me in general. The whole system gets shaken up like a snow globe. I'm trying to be a patient patient, I really am. But it's difficult sometimes. Hearing from friends cheers me up. So does reading and unfortunately, so does eating chocolate
I woke up today in more pain than usual, and in different places; it's very odd, and unwelcome. I had a great physical therapy appointment yesterday, and the nerve issues felt improved. But today? I don't get it. It's rather discouraging.
So many people are telling me how great I'm doing and how great I look. The latter feels like a patent lie to me as I have gained weight since the surgery and my face is red and blotchy. I told my dad yesterday, while I know it's only been three weeks, it feels longer. I want credit for time served! This is my 12th major surgery, and if you count minor surgeries and "procedures"...well, I don't even want to count that high. That would take a vague feeling of discouragement and martyrdom and turn it into something worse.
I've got to get my act together with my diet and no joke. That concerns me a lot. I frankly have no motivation right now. Everything is so difficult already and when I'm scarb (simple carb) free, it takes a heck of a lot of work. And right now, I just don't have the energy or physical ability to do it.
So, ok, I guess I'm a whiner today. Sorry. Sometimes I feel down. I notice after every surgery more swings than is normal for me in general. The whole system gets shaken up like a snow globe. I'm trying to be a patient patient, I really am. But it's difficult sometimes. Hearing from friends cheers me up. So does reading and unfortunately, so does eating chocolate
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Time
It's starting to speed up now. It floored me to realize we left for Kentucky four weeks ago--FOUR! And we've now been home two weeks. It's been a long, strange month, that's for sure. Three states, one surgery, five flights. Weird math.
We start school in two weeks. I hope my body and brain are up to the job. I am sure I'll be doing better in two weeks, at least let's hope so! We're pretty much ready to go. That is one way my anal-retentive, fussy nature pays off. I tortured myself before leaving to try and get as much done as humanly possible, because this surgery not being my first rodeo, I knew I'd not be able to do all that much upon returning. Now it's just bits and pieces. We got caught short when our language arts book we'd planned on using got scrapped. But I've found what I believe to be an acceptable substitute. Ordering it today.
Last night I went to Safeway for the first time in a month. I rode along to pick up our daughter from a fun event she participated in. I wanted to see a little bit of it, so I bit back my fear and went along. Then we stopped at the store to pick something up and I went in, again testing my limits of what I "can" do at this point. The store is big, so it's a long walk for a back patient post-op girl with leg nerve issues. But it was ok! I'm a little more sore this morning, but not much. It was worth it to dip my toe in the river of my life to test the currents.
Today they're going to a baseball game in Seattle. It was my idea, and I picked the dates and ordered the tickets long ago. I have plenty to keep me occupied, but I do miss them. I wanted them to have a fun day off. At this point, I'm capable of making simple food, so I won't starve. :) I hope they have fun! Speaking of fun, I'd better go do my back exercises and ice my back. And I've told you this before, but it bears repeating: it does hurt to be this sexy and cool, but I try to bear it with dignity.
We start school in two weeks. I hope my body and brain are up to the job. I am sure I'll be doing better in two weeks, at least let's hope so! We're pretty much ready to go. That is one way my anal-retentive, fussy nature pays off. I tortured myself before leaving to try and get as much done as humanly possible, because this surgery not being my first rodeo, I knew I'd not be able to do all that much upon returning. Now it's just bits and pieces. We got caught short when our language arts book we'd planned on using got scrapped. But I've found what I believe to be an acceptable substitute. Ordering it today.
Last night I went to Safeway for the first time in a month. I rode along to pick up our daughter from a fun event she participated in. I wanted to see a little bit of it, so I bit back my fear and went along. Then we stopped at the store to pick something up and I went in, again testing my limits of what I "can" do at this point. The store is big, so it's a long walk for a back patient post-op girl with leg nerve issues. But it was ok! I'm a little more sore this morning, but not much. It was worth it to dip my toe in the river of my life to test the currents.
Today they're going to a baseball game in Seattle. It was my idea, and I picked the dates and ordered the tickets long ago. I have plenty to keep me occupied, but I do miss them. I wanted them to have a fun day off. At this point, I'm capable of making simple food, so I won't starve. :) I hope they have fun! Speaking of fun, I'd better go do my back exercises and ice my back. And I've told you this before, but it bears repeating: it does hurt to be this sexy and cool, but I try to bear it with dignity.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Spinning wheels
I know in my head it's just been two weeks. But it feels so much longer! I'm getting tired of shuffling around, having trouble sleeping because of pain, and not being able to get anything done. I'm even tired of people telling me how awesome I'm doing. Ok, sure. I'll cop to it: I'm cranky tonight. Nights are the roughest.
I have a lot I both need and want to do. Even the non-physical stuff (paperwork I can do on the computer, for instance) is difficult. My brain just isn't back up to snuff yet. I hope this wasn't just one too many surgeries and I've killed an appreciable amount of brain cells.
School starts in two weeks. I hope I'll be up to the job! Three weeks until I'll need to drive Anna around. Ditto on hoping I'll be up to the job.
Summer's a sucky time to have surgery (Is there a good time?). People are so busy, visitors are hard to come by. And me, an extrovert and all. Our friend did come over for (and with) lunch today. That was fun.
I donno. I need to remember it's normal to feel kind of depressed or out of sorts after surgery. I'm just tired of the same old song.
I have a lot I both need and want to do. Even the non-physical stuff (paperwork I can do on the computer, for instance) is difficult. My brain just isn't back up to snuff yet. I hope this wasn't just one too many surgeries and I've killed an appreciable amount of brain cells.
School starts in two weeks. I hope I'll be up to the job! Three weeks until I'll need to drive Anna around. Ditto on hoping I'll be up to the job.
Summer's a sucky time to have surgery (Is there a good time?). People are so busy, visitors are hard to come by. And me, an extrovert and all. Our friend did come over for (and with) lunch today. That was fun.
I donno. I need to remember it's normal to feel kind of depressed or out of sorts after surgery. I'm just tired of the same old song.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Two weeks, bruises, and gratitude
Two weeks today since my surgery. I'm glad it's not that day; that day sucked. I'm still quite sore and fatigued, but there are definite signs of improvement. The nerve tingling on my left side is improving. The nights are rough, though. I'm not sure why, but I'm super uncomfortable in the evenings and lately sleep has been extremely difficult, especially getting to sleep. It often feels like I'm trying to sleep on a bed full of bowling balls, or jacks. Or maybe croquet balls--and mallets.
The bruises on my hand and leg are almost gone, and I'm glad. The one on my left hand is HUGE. I'm fairly sure the nurse who did that served time. For some reason, I tend to be depressed looking at post-surgery bruising. I don't know if it just brings my misery and trauma to the surface (so to speak) or what. But it just makes me feel bad. I can't get the tape residue off from the tubes, and it's driving me bonkers! Neither acetone nor rubbing alcohol worked; I'm thinking an arc torch might.
Today a church friend hooked us up with food. She made two gigantic dishes (plus salad and a carrot cake), easily enough to feed us all for four meals. Phew! Food has been a bit of a challenge at times. I'm the primary chef in our house. Mark's a great cook, but he's been so busy (and he works nights), so once and awhile, we've been caught short. Anna's willing to learn, and we have worked it out. Once, my friend from Kentucky (Sea Monster) called a local pizza place and they delivered out here! That was pretty sweet. :) Obviously, the worst of that scenario was right after we got home when Mark had to return to work immediately upon our arrival home. I'm a lot more able to do little things in the kitchen now. My dad comes over sometimes on a night Mark works, makes us dinner, then he and Anna play chess and take the dogs to the beach. I like those evenings!
Things are definitely moving forward. I wish I felt better, stronger. But considering what my body went through (and has since I was 22), I'm doing pretty awesome. I need to focus on that. My friend Valentine, who has a background in medicine, told me yesterday, given all the times my "spine has been carved on, it's a wonder I can even walk." Damn right. But I can! And right now, I feel optimistic about the future. I'm just ready to attack it! I'm a summer girl and I haven't had one (again). But all indications point to surgery free summers in the future and a definite improvement in my health.
Yeah, my spine isn't the only problem. I have that weird metabolic/endocrine thing that causes various problems, including weight. I have chronic fatigue issues. I have other structual problems that make life tough (like my thoracic outlet syndrome). But I've got other things to, more important things: a family, friends, and an iron will. And right now, I'd say the smart money is on me. :)
The bruises on my hand and leg are almost gone, and I'm glad. The one on my left hand is HUGE. I'm fairly sure the nurse who did that served time. For some reason, I tend to be depressed looking at post-surgery bruising. I don't know if it just brings my misery and trauma to the surface (so to speak) or what. But it just makes me feel bad. I can't get the tape residue off from the tubes, and it's driving me bonkers! Neither acetone nor rubbing alcohol worked; I'm thinking an arc torch might.
Today a church friend hooked us up with food. She made two gigantic dishes (plus salad and a carrot cake), easily enough to feed us all for four meals. Phew! Food has been a bit of a challenge at times. I'm the primary chef in our house. Mark's a great cook, but he's been so busy (and he works nights), so once and awhile, we've been caught short. Anna's willing to learn, and we have worked it out. Once, my friend from Kentucky (Sea Monster) called a local pizza place and they delivered out here! That was pretty sweet. :) Obviously, the worst of that scenario was right after we got home when Mark had to return to work immediately upon our arrival home. I'm a lot more able to do little things in the kitchen now. My dad comes over sometimes on a night Mark works, makes us dinner, then he and Anna play chess and take the dogs to the beach. I like those evenings!
Things are definitely moving forward. I wish I felt better, stronger. But considering what my body went through (and has since I was 22), I'm doing pretty awesome. I need to focus on that. My friend Valentine, who has a background in medicine, told me yesterday, given all the times my "spine has been carved on, it's a wonder I can even walk." Damn right. But I can! And right now, I feel optimistic about the future. I'm just ready to attack it! I'm a summer girl and I haven't had one (again). But all indications point to surgery free summers in the future and a definite improvement in my health.
Yeah, my spine isn't the only problem. I have that weird metabolic/endocrine thing that causes various problems, including weight. I have chronic fatigue issues. I have other structual problems that make life tough (like my thoracic outlet syndrome). But I've got other things to, more important things: a family, friends, and an iron will. And right now, I'd say the smart money is on me. :)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Goals
We got home a week ago today from Arizona. Considering I had the surgery (with requisite accompanying disasters) but 10 days ago, I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well. But even so, I hurt. I'm exhausted. And it's hard not to be able to do my thing. The last week was tough at times. I had a migraine that really knocked me for a loop (took me awhile to figure out what was going on and I was freaked out). Once that passed, life was better. But I'm so happy it's behind me. The future looks rosy to me now. Once I get back on my feet I can walk forward. For now, I crawl forward.
I set goals for myself, with the express realization that it's ok to not accomplish them if I'm honestly not up to it. This is the time I have to rest. In a few more weeks, I won't have the luxury to just not do something, however small, once school starts up. I'm learning to be easier on myself. My battle with my body over the past two decades has made me too much a hard ass. I expect a lot. I tend to push beyond reason, no matter what the physical cost to me. And that's not always a good thing.
So, like I said, I'm setting little goals. My first week home it was to get the checkbook updated and get the movies out of our little travel case and back into their boxes: done, but it took a week. And that's ok. It's still done! This week I want to make a list of thank you notes to send out and order Anna's science books for fall. I might set little goals for the day, like take a shower and get dressed. That sounds like nothing, but it's exhausting, let me tell you! But if I don't get out of my jammies for the day, that's ok, too. It's ok not to be a hard ass sometimes--that's a goal in and of itself.
Blessings on your day.
I set goals for myself, with the express realization that it's ok to not accomplish them if I'm honestly not up to it. This is the time I have to rest. In a few more weeks, I won't have the luxury to just not do something, however small, once school starts up. I'm learning to be easier on myself. My battle with my body over the past two decades has made me too much a hard ass. I expect a lot. I tend to push beyond reason, no matter what the physical cost to me. And that's not always a good thing.
So, like I said, I'm setting little goals. My first week home it was to get the checkbook updated and get the movies out of our little travel case and back into their boxes: done, but it took a week. And that's ok. It's still done! This week I want to make a list of thank you notes to send out and order Anna's science books for fall. I might set little goals for the day, like take a shower and get dressed. That sounds like nothing, but it's exhausting, let me tell you! But if I don't get out of my jammies for the day, that's ok, too. It's ok not to be a hard ass sometimes--that's a goal in and of itself.
Blessings on your day.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Home
What an interesting couple of weeks. Kentucky was awesome, Arizona.... Well, let's just say it's good to be home after that.
I haven't weighed (as this is primarily a weight control blog, after all); I'm scared to. I traveled for two weeks and five days ago I was in surgery, two days ago I was on an airplane. Scarb free hasn't been anywhere near realistic to attempt yet, but I have made subtle improvements to the overall program since we got home.
The surgery outcome will be determined. The short term sucks, another spinal tear, a very long surgery, and I have some (temporary) nerve damage making it very hard to walk. I start physical therapy today. Let's see what they say.
I haven't weighed (as this is primarily a weight control blog, after all); I'm scared to. I traveled for two weeks and five days ago I was in surgery, two days ago I was on an airplane. Scarb free hasn't been anywhere near realistic to attempt yet, but I have made subtle improvements to the overall program since we got home.
The surgery outcome will be determined. The short term sucks, another spinal tear, a very long surgery, and I have some (temporary) nerve damage making it very hard to walk. I start physical therapy today. Let's see what they say.
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