Rebound

So, as feared, I rebounded after the steak day back up out of the zone. Grrrr. So I think I'm going to do the new and improved Protein Day tomorrow. I donno, maybe Saturday. Sigh. Anna's sick, and these specialty days take so much more energy than normal days. But, the longer the weight sets, the harder it is to get rid of it. Why it's here, I know not.

This is my body and I'm sticking to it

...for the next several months. I've decided to make an effort to be more positive about it, though it will take some real work to remain positive when I get a naked glance at my jiggly belly. I wore my new clothes today, the ones that aren't baggy. I got a lot of "shock and awe" responses. I'm trying to learn to just say, "Thank you," but it's hard. Like many people, it's easier for me to take a slap than a compliment. Time to outgrow that. It's annoying when other people do it, so if I do it...you do the math. Saw the doc for my final visit of the season. She's upgraded my steak days! She told me something else to do (a "protein day") instead. I just adore her! So if I'm on the hook for Friday, I'm going to try Option B. Yeah, I wish I could say, "I've lost 120 pounds!" But, being able to say, "I've lost 105 pounds" is good too. Pouting about that 15 pounds of belly sludge I wish was no longer on me won't help. Time to appreciate what I have and be grateful for it. It's sure a lot better to have 30 pounds to lose than where I was for the last 20 years. Oh, and I don't know why the blog is eating my paragraphs. Irritating!

Back in the zone....

...but barely (by .2). That doesn't bode well as typically with any of the corrective days (be it steak or apple), one rebounds a little bit. So I'm penciling in another one for Friday. Feh. Maybe I'll get lucky and won't have to. Could happen. My new pants from Lands' End arrived. Whee! Nice to have pants that fit (and were on sale, and were paid for by a gift card--triple bonus). I still need to work on getting over being miffed my body at this weight doesn't look like it did the last time I weighed this, when I was 21. What a shock! Gravity is not my friend. I suppose pregnancy didn't help, either. Also need to get over being miffed about having to do one or two more cycles. If this last one... (yada yada yada)...anyway, would have left me with one. Now, the jury's out. So it might be, one more in the fall, and depending how that does, how much (if any) I gain back from the surgeries this summer, etc, I might have to do one more a year from now (having to wait six months between cycles now). But maybe not. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'll keep working my program, doing what I can with exercise (though it hurts), and focusing on other things--like surgery (groan).

ugh

I am sooooo hungry! Dinner seems so very, very far away. More tea!

No change

Give me a break! I hate steak days. Trust me, they're not fun. Starving all day when one has things to do (and blood sugar issues) is not enjoyable in the slightest. Especially today, when I'm tired and sore from yesterday. Oh well, no help for it. I bristle at the unfairness, though.

I know I SAID I wasn't going to freak out...

...but freak out I did when I got on the scale today and was three pounds over the zone (at a time when my personal calendar should have had me losing water weight). Ugh. No way to do a steak day today as we went to Seattle and spent the day with friends at the Seattle Science Center's Star Wars exhibit (awesome!). So, a steak is on standby for tomorrow if necessary (I hope it's not, but it's certainly likely.). Bummer. Will I ever accept the inevitability of "doing everything right" yet not having control over the outcome?

One week down...

...two to go ('til the maintenance phase).

One pound over the zone...

...but I'm not pushing the panic button yet. I'm giving it a couple of days to settle back down. I have a steak in the freezer for the dreaded steak day if necessary.

Sorry to keep you in suspense....

...but I'm not yet weighing. I've reached the point where I'm swelling up like a balloon, so why weigh? Is it a face, or a beachball?

Even so, I feel ok. My clothes feel somehow even looser than on my LIW day (go figure), so it's good. I plan on likely weighing tomorrow. I have the ability to do a steak day tomorrow if necessary and in fact, planned steak for dinner, just in case. If I'm in the clear, I have asparagus and salad with it.

It's all good.

Not weighing in today

I want to let yesterday's high note carry me through another difficult, tiring day. I am enjoying, and feeling very good about my food (lots of veggies and healthy proteins/fats). I'm almost optimistic!

Unprecedented (in a good way!)

I weighed the day after going on stabilization, up 2# (also unprecedented, in a bad way). Didn't weigh yesterday (didn't have the heart). But, I kept doing what I've been doing because I feel good about my stabilization eating plan. Today...down .5! So I'm 1# above the LIW, which is perfectly acceptable for now.

So far, so good.

Yum

I've discovered a totally customizable recipe (dependent on leftovers) that fits the stabilization protocol, uses up leftovers, and is TOTALLY tasty: skillet breakfasts without the potato part. I was making one with leftover potato for Mark and Anna and it hit me: Hey, I can have this (in another pan) without the potatoes! And it was really, really good.

Sauteed onion (shallot if you've got it), garlic, eggs, and whatever meat and/or veggies you have to hand. Sautee the onion in butter, then add the meat and garlic, and after a minute or so, add yer eggs. Put a lid on top, and let steam until the egg is done to your liking. Heaven in a skillet. Trust me on this!

Lands End!

For Christmas, my dad gave me a gift card for (my beloved) Lands' End. I got some cool stuff in my *new* size. While I'm still pouting a bit about the 15# that was viciously robbed from me, I'm also trying to embrace my new size, as it's mine for a minimum of six months.

Oh, beloved Lands' End, thank you for cutting your pants so big that I can fit in a standard "L" (shirt size standard XL).... Neat stuff! Now we just need warmer weather so I can wear my short sleeves and pants.

And, got a pair of pants at Penneys. I fall into the netherworld of Penneys sizes. I don't fit (at least their house brand) their size 16 pants, and the 18s are too big. I'm a Penneys size 17, which doesn't exist.

Round peg in a square hole.

I adore food

I've been enjoying the first two days of stabilization. I did not enjoy a two pound jump after the first day. What the heck? I'm not weighing today. I need the emotional break.

Stabilization!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it! Made it to today. Last night's attempted sleep was a horror, so that doesn't help, but even so...food! Cream in my tea, lotion on my hands, yogurt in my tummy. Whew!

Now, to stabilize. Sounds easier than it is. But who knows, maybe this time it will work for me.

Could happen!

Well, it's almost here

My day is running down. I baked today...twice. That was hard. The bread machine Irish Soda Bread smelled heavenly (email me if you want the recipe--it's heavenly *and* easy), but the Brown Sugar Banana Cream Muffins were harder to take.

I'm still starving. But Anna's in bed, my chores are done, and it's time for me to make yet another cup of herbal tea and watch the rest of a movie it's taken me three days to get through (it's a good movie, I just peter out early).

I'm beginning to focus more on this summer and what I need to do next. There's much traveling and planning to happen between now and my surgery. I've been working on it (it helps me cope with my health situation). The thought of again losing all the ground I crawl slowly and painfully back to reclaim is hard to take. It takes me a good six months. And that's if I've gone a long time between surgeries. This time it'll be a year, and I'm having two. Scary thought. So, I plan. The better executed the travel and life plans, the more I can grasp the illusion of control.

But I need to try again. My family would benefit from me having a better back. And my dad isn't getting any younger. There was so much I could not do to help my mom in her last years. That still bothers me. The drive was too far for me to go myself, and it was only the grace of God and a friend of ours who came at a moment's notice and drove me to my mom's that I was with her in her last moments. I want to be able to take great care of my dad (not that he's ill now). And I want to be able to do more things with and for Mark and Anna. So I'll try again. But an even dozen surgeries? Yeah. Words fail.

Ok, enough of that. Food in the morning and that's a *happy thing*!! Next time we talk, I'll have eaten real food and lotioned my poor, cracked face, hands, and feet). Bliss!

I am SO hungry!

Stupidy hcg diet. Can't wait 'til tomorrow. I have to say, the first day of stabilization is the best, 'cause you can EAT. Then, at least for me, the weight starts skyrocketing, starting a months-long epic battle to get it to both stabilize and maintain. That's not as fun.

Lotion, conditioner, dairy products, and more--all waiting for me tomorrow! I'll probably go to bed early tonight 'cause my stomach feels like it's trying to eat the lining.

I took my last b12 shot today, and bled all over the carpet. Fitting. Yeah, this cycle's sucked. But I need to go big picture: 104#. That's something to write home about.

Worried, but...

I'm worried about the diet. Stabilization was easy the first time, and not since. In fact, each time has gotten harder.

But that being said, I had a realization earlier--I GET TO EAT TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid diet!

I always think I understand this diet; it never ceases to throw me curve balls. This is the first time that I've not lost weight after the last injection leading up to stabilization (an expected buffer). Now, I gained .4 after the apple day (day after the apple day weigh in), and it's staying there, despite the 500 cal diet.

Sucky. I hate the thought of having to do a steak day on day 3 of stabilization.

Blog thoughts

I'm thinking of expanding a bit. I have another space where I talk about chronic pain and illness stuff, but it's not working for me. I don't like separating them--I'm a fully integrated Sandra. Since my next hcg round won't be for six months, I think I'll just talk about everything, weight maintenance, family, chronic pain stuff, etc. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. This is mostly a place for me to let off static electricity out of my brain, and a place to share with a few special people I've invited to read my thoughts. It's a journal of sorts.

The hcg is wearing off and I'm getting more and more hungry. This part of the diet is the pitts--the three days before food resumes. Feh. One is supposed to continue to lose over this time, to give more of a buffer for the maintenance weight (the LIW). Not me, though! I decided to be different by going UP. Let's home Friday and Saturday's weights are down.

I remember what I dislike so much about this diet

Up .4 today. For no reason, no, none at all.

Last Injection!

...I think. I had the panic of, maybe I should keep going, but I think this is it. The smart play is this being it. My Big Goal has been to get down into the next decade. That would make me weigh less than I have since the 1980s. Even if I rolled the immunity dice and bought another overpriced vial of potion, I'd in all likehoood, not make it. But, I suppose if tomorrow there was a hugely unexpected loss, I might go to town and buy the brew. But probaby not.

Ok, lengthy preamble aside, here are the stats.

Total loss this cycle=21.4#.
Total inches, based on measuring last night, 2 off the top, two off the waist, four off the hips/tummy (yay). Not too shabby.

Ok, one more bitch n'moan session. Had I achieved the 35#, I'd be well into the next decade, nearly to the next! The 15# that didn't happen is both dissapointing and complicates my future plans. I have to wait six months between cycles from here on out. If indeed natural weight loss continues to elude me, it'll take me even longer to get where I want to be. I firmly believed the next cycle (pending in the fall), I'd be done. Now...maybe not. The thought of doing this TWO more times makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and wail.

Even so, I have lost a LOT of weight. And there are other things I can continue to do to improve my overall health. And I will do that. My lab tests are a thing of beauty. And I can now work on building myself up with healthy eating and supplements for the Surgery Fest this summer. And crikey, for me, maintaining is a full time job.

So, unless there's a real shocker tomorrow, I play out the three days necessary until I can begin the stabilization phase of the diet. As I injected the meds this morning into my painful, trackmarked leg, I was grateful to be finishing up for now.

Please, no more apples!

Bleh! It'd be a lot tastier if I could dip it in peanut butter (More proof God loves us.).

Tomorrow---the LAST INJECTION WEIGHT! (And yeah, last injection!) Yay! Sure, I'm cheesed off about the 15# I did not lose. But I'm happy about the cheese I'll get to eat on Saturday. I'm so tired of being ravenously hungry all the darned time.

Hello, world

Don't know as I've ever had a guest from Belarus or the UAE. Heya! Thanks for stopping by.

Apple day #3

I haven't even had one yet and I'm already thinking, "Yuck."

I'm looking at it from across the room; it's looking back at me. An uneasy alliance.

Oh, bother

A full pound. Ok, it's over two days, but still, this vexes me. I'm telling myself that it's prudent to end it, as the plateau has been going for three weeks, one doesn't get *less* immune over time, and the odds are high that at any second, I'll be immune again, and stuck with a useless $105 vial of medicine (not to mention the misery of doing this diet more days than strictly necessary when it doesn't work!). But still, it's hard to resist the siren song of possibility....

Thoughts? I have 'til tomorrow afternoon to decide (when I'd have to pick up a new *vile*).

Going out in a blaze of glory

Ok, so dig my sass. I've decided no matter what, I am going to do the last two shots, here's why: I will do an apple day tomorrow (feh), then, the next morning will be my sacred, vaunted Last Injection Weight (LIW). I hope to lock down the lowest I can (and hope it works).

Fingers crossed!

Post party wrap-up

Oh yeah, survived yet another birthday feast. The chips and dip (homemade "pan friend onion dip," no less) were hard to take. As was the cake.

But I'm reasonably stoic by this time. Even so, sucks. Glad that on Easter I can strap on the feed bag. Oh, and celebrate Jesus' resurrection, of course.

;-}

I had an apostrophe

Ok, I know it's hard to keep score at home, but hang in there with me. So I did the Monday Math and indeed, it's been the same lame thing. First and second weeks were good, then the last three were about 2# per week. I know, I know, if you're a little overweight, you may be thinking, Sounds great! But, I'm still not in striking distance, and truly, is it worth $50 per pound?

No, it's not. Medical weight loss issues aside, screw that.

So, I'm going to finish this vial. Maybe. I have two more shots. If there's no weight loss again tomorrow, the shots may go into the trash can. Even though I'm descended from frugal Scandinavian stock, I keep reminding myself it's stupid to go on when there's no weight loss, and indeed, it only increases the immune response and would harm the next round (which I have to wait six months to do--grrrrrr!).

There you have it. More updates as they become available. Back to you....

Another plateau

Surprises me, though. I don't know why it should! Ok, diet, you're on notice. One more stunt, and you're gone tomorrow.

You have been warned.

I so thought I'd be eating tomorrow!

But, this is my path. I've got to do the very best I can. And for whatever inexplicable reason, I'm suddenly losing. I do take comfort in the fact that no matter what, I'll be able to eat two weeks from today.

I got out the "special" lotion that is tacitly approved for the hcg. It's thin, baby. Barely qualifies as lotion (no fat in it, you know). But I have always been worried about using it because oil is listed in the ingredients (at the end). But my hands were in such bad shape, I used a little before going to bed. A big difference, did it make (Sorry, Anna's Star Wars fixation is making me channel Yoda.).

So, there we are. I need to cancel the food I planned. At least for now. Like I've said, once the final shot is given, three more days on the Very Little Food Diet until stabilization begins. Hey, let's hope the weight loss continues! I'm really taking it one day at a time. It's all I can do. To do otherwise puts me on the express Crazy Train.

Dude, you won't believe it (I don't believe it)

.8.

Ok, and so it goes on.

Golly, I've blogged a lot today

Tomorrow morning is the big decider. If there's a decent loss, we continue, a day at a time. If not, that means Monday I can eat again! Almost more than the relentless hunger going away, I look forward to putting lotion on my poor hands and face. Winter is a bad time to be totally fat free. My hands split and hurt. My rosacea-face needs its lotion. Rosacea flare ups along with dry skin is not too pretty to look at. I don't even want to talk about my crocodile feet.

I'm sore and tired--no, more than tired--fatigued. Anna's birthday party is here tomorrow and there are things to do, but my back pain and all over body exhaustion is saying, "8:30 is late enough. You can finish tomorrow. Go lay down on the couch with your cup of tea and hot water bottle."

And you know what? For once, I'm going to listen to my back and call it a night.

I'll let you know what happens with my nemesis, the scale, in the morning. Good night, dear reader. Thanks for caring about this stuff.

More party food exposure tomorrow

Even if I don't continue with the last of the vial tomorrow, I'd not be able to eat the party stuff. Stabilization is more food, and more variety, but still no simple carb--or legumes (feh). I guess tomorrow I'll see. I have four more shots, and could technically go one more week 'til I reached 40. But I'm banking today's loss was an aberration. So I might be going on stabilization Monday. It starts three full days after one's last shot. So, we see.

I made this dip, "pan fried onion dip" to go with chips and veggies for tomorrow. The smell of the onions cooking down and caramelizing--simultaneously both Heaven *and* Hell.

1.6#

Nope, not joking. Sure, that includes the precipitous .6 jump up yesterday, but NOW? I lose a pound NOW?

Big, dramatic sigh....

For now I can take it day by day. Today's my no shot day, so it matters little. I'll see what happens tomorrow.

If I were a different person, I could fly by the seat of my pants and not feel like stabbing myself in the eye with a fork.

Taps

I haven't weighed yet; I haven't the heart to do it. I got out The Book last night (I mean the hcg diet manual, though on reflection the Bible would have been more beneficial overall), and found a section I either never read or read so long ago I forgot about it). It was on hcg immunity.

Yep, that's me. Doctor failure always chafes me. This section had a list of time between sessions. Both doctors told me 10 weeks was alright. Not so. It should have been a minimum of 12. And when people do end up immune, like me, they should "stop the program immediately" because not only is it not healthy at that point, but you feel really bad, only increase the immunity problem, and any weight lost is not the right weight to lose and will be "immediately regained" upon the next phase. Terrific. So I've spent two weeks and an unholy amount of money for nothing, when I should have quit two weeks ago. Information I could have used two weeks ago.

I "shoulda" lost 35 pounds this time. I'd have been all but done. Done enough anyway. I'd have reached and exceeded my Big Goal (sorry I'm writing like AA Milne right now). Instead, I lost 16. And who knows what will happen to that number when I start stabilization Monday. At best, food consumption aside, it's always a rotten time for me. The weight skyrockets up, sending me into panic and despair. I told Anna last night we should just head to the store today and stock up on steaks for the steak days I'll inevitably need once to twice a week to maintain my current weight loss.

16 is not happy when one worked for, paid for, and expected 35.

Don't know yet

I actually have until Sunday to decide when I'm pulling the plug. If all went well, my last (40th) shot would have been March 24. I can really see nothing short of a miracle will make that happen. I'm not losing weight. Heck, I'm gaining it. If that continues (Saturday is my regular day off from the shot day), there's no reason to continue! Indeed, it would be counter-productive.

I'm immune to the stuff, plain and simple. I wish I had of gone on stabilization earlier, given the circumstances. Prolonging the meds and the suffering is _____________ (insert adjective of your choice).

However, if by some miracle, things really go great guns from tomorrow's weigh-in on, I'd stick. But if not...not.

Prayers are appreciated. Life is hard enough right now with Mark's two jobs and life in general. Thanks!

Tomorrow....

I'm fairly certain today's my last shot. I'm considering, praying, and will see about tomorrow. But it seems clear, even to me, that "this boat don't hunt."

Time to let it go and be grateful for what I have achieved, though it's quite disappointing to have invested so much for so relatively little.

I left it all on the field and that has to be enough. I'm allowing myself to be sad, though.

Bad

So yesterday I baked and cooked and suffered during Anna's birthday feast(s). I even wore deli gloves when I sliced stuff so oil wouldn't soak into my hands.

And today I gained .6.

I just emailed the doc and got an autoreply that she's out for 10 days. So I guess I see tomorrow what happens and make my own decision.

Feeling really, really sad right now.

But dude...

So far for Anna's birthday I've made pancakes from scratch, then just made homemade chocolate cake and icing.

Whimper...

Counting syringes

I have a week's left of hcg. If things aren't going by then, that's it. Sadly, it'll only take a week off my sentence! I hope it does perk up, though. I mean, I'm doing the work! But, I'm trying to stay in my happy place and look big picture. I have lost a lot of weight. I've done the best I can. That has to be enough, yes?

Ok, so I just felt bad yesterday

.2.

Feh.

Hmmmmmmmmm

Today, a couple of hours after adding The Potion, I realized I felt bad. Fatigued, stupidly hungry, just...bad. I hadn't realized I felt better until I felt worse again. What I'm wondering is, could The Potion be working? Maybe, just maybe, me feeling bad is somehow good? Maybe I feel like that when I'm losing weight with the hcg.

And maybe I just felt bad.

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Tonight on the way home from dance, we stopped at the store. I let Anna pick out some Safeway Deli food (she was soooooo happy as it's such an incredibly rare occasion), and boy, did that smell good. I was hungry, and tired, and really wanted some (and not the cucumber slices I had with me in the car), but just reminded myself, "100...100...100..."

18 days 'til food

But who's counting? It might be less. If I reach the end of this vile, I mean, vial, and the weight is locked, I'd say enough is enough. I am going to continue doing my best each day, though. The hunger is moderately better.

But I'll keep going and see if the elixir works. I've gone this far, so I may as well keep trying for now until it's stupid to. In for a penny....

And so it goes

She wants me to keep going, after all. She has some potion for me to add to the rest of the rigmarole. Sigh. I had given up the idea of continuing, so it's a little roller-coastery. Now I'm sort of in a place where I'm giving up my expectations of it, knowing no matter what, I'll be on Stabilization March 27, if not sooner.

Then today, 0 weight loss again. Sure, in some ways I'd just as soon put a bag over its head because the diet is so very difficult, expensive, and there's no way I'll get to my goal now this cycle--no matter what--there's just not enough time and the plateau has been severe.

Let's see if the new potion works; hope so. This has gotten old.

Whoa....

Today I officially reached the 100 pound mark. What's weird about that is on March 8, 2010, I started my first day of the Very Little Food Diet. Freaky. Ok, yes, technically I lost a little before that date on my own, when I got hard core with it (having had my first start end in failure and a promise to lower my blood sugar manually before trying it again--which I did). But even so. I think it's weird...and, kinda cool.

.6!

I'll take it.

Heard from the doc

She was echoing what I've been saying to you. She believes my body is done with the hcg, that I need a good long break from it. I see her tomorrow, but it's agreed if my body doesn't start losing very soon, I go to stabilization a bit early.

I'm sad, very disappointed to not achieve a long cherished goal, but I'll live.

Hey, it's bacon all that much sooner.

Difficult to accept

I did the math. The first week, I lost 4.4. The second week, 6.4 (good). Third week, 2.8, fourth week, 2.6. And both of the last two weeks included an apple day.

My conscience is clear, but it's cold comfort right now. I should have lost well over 20# by now, not 16.

Tomorrow I have another "desensitization treatment" for the meds tomorrow with the doc. Been there, done that, and it accomplished precisely, dick.

It looks like I have to accept a difficult truth=my body's done with hcg, at least for now. And no, there's no hope of me losing any on my own, despite my generally very healthy and moderate eating habits. I'm so very disappointed it looks like I won't reach my BIG GOAL. On paper, I should have. And now I have more surgery coming up and won't be able to try this again for a long time.

I need to look big picture (I have lost 100#), but it's hard. I'm disappointed.

Blue

I almost decided today was my last shot. It was a near thing. But I've decided to try one more vial of potion, as I already bought it, and am praying something changes, fast. I find it disheartening to do everything right and still fail.

Guess it reminds me of my family too much.

Definitely blue and lonesome tonight.

Going down by the head

Still plateaued.

Clearly, this has stopped working. $500 for 15#, bad math.

After drinking vinegar, my day can only improve

The plateau continues. When I weighed, I felt horrible. Frustrated, miserable, hopeless. So I did what the doc said to do if my weight was still stuck: drink apple cider vinegar and increase my meds and protein.

I barely got the vinegar down. I still feel nauseated (but at least not hungry). Then I followed it up by stabbing myself in the leg twice (two shots, as I had pre-measured to see how much I had left).

I'm already feeling stressed with having to be gone all day because of the electrical repair (and feeling stressed they're not here yet). So, my day hasn't started out well. But like I said, after drinking vinegar, it can only get better.

Might be the new supplement

I'm stopping it and hoping it helps things. Since I started taking it, I've felt very nauseated for hours, I've stopped losing weight, and have felt depressed.

Discouraged

For the first time, I really want to quit. I mean *really* as in, considering it. I keep thinking maybe I'm still too immune to the meds for them to work properly (that can happen with multiple subsequent cycles). I'm to buy more meds this afternoon and they're sooo expensive, it's hard to want to. This time, with the new bells and whistles imposed by the office, it's been something like $500 to lose 15#. That's bad math.

It's not working right, I don't feel well, and I'm wondering if the money is worth it (though it won't be as much the second half)? And it's hard and miserable.

Kinda feeling that way about life right now with Mark being gone well over 70 hours per week. Things are just hard right now and I'm feeling :(.

Should I put a bag over this cycle?

Gained .4 yesterday, and here it stays today.

tomorrow/bits and bobs

Let's hope the incongruous .4 is gone, and takes more with it. 25 days 'til food. I was able to start my shots again a day earlier than planned, so I go to Stabilization on Palm Sunday.

Nice. :)

I'm in my usual state of fear--that I won't lose any more weight during the remainder of my cycle. Or that I won't reach my goal (and then I'll be stuck with this for months to come).

I went swimming with my friend yesterday; due to weather and such we had missed a week. I was pleased to find my swimsuit looser.

I baked applesauce muffins today. The smell was tough to take.

"Gain" is a postive word, unless it's involving weight

How could I gain half a pound eating 500 calories?

Have I mentioned, this diet sucks?

When parties aren't fun

They're not so fun when you can't eat. And it was a palatial spread, man. All stuff I adore. And everybody was hammering down.

What a bummer.

Kate Winslet

Yep, Kate. I've been a fan of hers a long time. But I'm feeling a little bit disappointed right now. I loved it when she stood up for herself against the constant berating of wanker-director James Cameron who would call her "Kate Weighsalot." I never thought her fat, but she wasn't bony.

Now, she is. I cheered when she went on Oprah (years ago) and talked about what an incredible victory and success it was for her (Kate) to have a VBAC--which Oprah promptly brushed off as unimportant. I cheered when she said she was curvy and happy about it. I cheered when she excouraged young women to be who they were and not to starve themselves to become uber-thin.

Now, she's starved herself down to fit in with the Hollywood ideal: extremely thin. And I feel sad.

In between sizes

My pants are slightly too baggy to be comfortable, but the next size down is slightly too tight to be comfortable. Feh. Hope that resolves soon or it will be a long six months between cycles.

Apple day over (bring on the 500 calories!)

1.6#. Yay! So I'm to the 15# this cycle mark. I can eat this month! Yay! Yay! Yay!!!! 28 days 'til food. And lotion. And conditioner. And eggs. And cheese. And I can put away the little food scale.

28 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!