Difficult

Well, I went a little nuts yesterday. I had a sandwich (with..bread--gasp!) for lunch. And then, for dinner, I ended up having Asian food (with...noodles--gasp!). Sigh.

It wasn't premeditated. It was more ease of eating. Mark was making sandwiches. I was too tired and sore to start from scratch and make a huge salad. Dinner was easy. And I was wickedly tired and sore after taking Anna to dance. We stopped by Safeway (my first time there in six weeks), and saw the "Shanghai Meal for 2" on sale for $9 and my pupils became egg rolls.

I'm planning on going for the hcg. The thought of getting another 25 off before Thanksgiving makes me giddy. But I'm also nervous. I'm worried it will be overhard during this post-op time, or that possibly it might somehow damage my healing. The doctor doesn't think it will. But with me, you know, I'm off the map.

This weekend we have some fun family time planned. And carbs will be involved. Again, join me now: sigh.

Nuts!

I ate some peanuts yesterday. Today my face was quite red, but not welty. So I was so annoyed about it, I said, "To heck with this" and had peanut butter on my apple. Was I born stupid? I can't say.

So, the weight's been up and down. It went up a bit, and I worked uber hard and got it back down. Then today it was up 1.5# fo NO REASON. Irksome.

I've been thinking and thinking about whether or not it'd be prudent to do another cycle right away. The problem is, if I don't do it soon (@3 weeks), it'll be into November. Then I'd just be able to get a short cycle in before the holidays.

So, I'm not totally sure. Right now, I don't feel up to it, but perhaps in three weeks I will. My plan, right now today, is to give it the old college try. And if I feel too awful, I can abort the mission and put the HCG in the freezer, try again in November. And it would not, indeed, be the end of the world.

But when I think about the possibility of being 30+ pounds lighter by Thanksgiving, I get all giddy. At that point, I think I could see the end of the road in the near distance. Not that I'd be thin and goddess-like like my girlz C and R. But that's ok. I'm me.

Yippee!

I ate blackberries yesterday morning without breaking out into a ladybug!

I've Decided to Live with It

Setbacks have the tendency to make me insane. My entire adult life has been fraught with them, due to my health. Surgery, back to nothing. Struggle up to some sort of functionality (never fully heal, though), then back to surgery, and the void. Rinse and repeat, ad nauseum.

So, this time where I'm not able to do more hcg, and not able to be active at all, in addition to compromising my body something awful, is certainly not what I'd wish for.

I've been crabby to have settled about 2# above the zone. The zone, if you remember, is a four pound range. Before the surgery, I was two pounds below the zone, into (albeit for about 29 seconds), the Decade of Z. Now, I'm back to a 61# weight loss, not close to a 70# one like I was but a month ago.

BUT, it is what it is. And my dear husband has helped me see a more positive angle on it. I *could* have gained a ton. Many, if not most people gain weight when they have a surgery that knocks them on their backs for a period of time. And with my sordid metabolism, the fact I'm hanging at a mere 2# above the zone, that's pretty darn good.

I honestly can't manage a hcg cycle now. I tried a steak day, only made it 'til noon because I was weak and ill. I need the nutrition right now. And it's ok.

I'll get there. And perhaps the getting there will be all the sweeter for the waiting.

Ok, C--I'm Updating!

I'm hovering at 2# above the zone. Expected, they say, because of the surgery/lack of activity/cortisol production.

Sucks, though.

The New Plan

Feeling good with food again, back to my maintenance weight, feeling like I'm managing my diet (not like it's managing me). It's @40 days 'til I get back in the ring. Hoping heartily to be up for it. I'm sure another month+ things will look way better for my back. Right now...not.

I talked to the doc's office yesterday and they said with all the nerve stuff I had done in the surgery, it will be a long time before I'll feel really better and able to make a legitimate judgment on whether or not it truly "worked." But for right now, I'm tired of the pain, of not being able to do my work with family and house. And I'm lonesome. I'm an extrovert, you know,and being at home all the time is not that great for me. Then with Mark working and doing school...you get the picture. Lonely girl.

But I digress. The Plan. Something to smile over! Due to things being moved around and Mark not being able to start student teaching until Feb. 1 (stupid semester system!), I have more time for two more hcg rounds--and now they won't conflict with travel plans (come on back, there are three trips in the making--Texas, Kentucky, and California--do your thing--heal! heal! heal!).

So, hcg round in Oct-Nov, then again in Feb-Mar (not including stabilization periods of three weeks per). Then, I might just be "done"! Sounds easy, doesn't it?! :)

More

Another half pound gone today. I can't explain it, but my sense of relief is awesome. Funny thing, a church friend brought us lasagna, so yesterday I had lasagna for lunch, and with dinner I had a scoop of potato salad. And still lost weight.

I have a shaky theory. Can my body tolerate savory carb, but not sugar carb? I thought it all translated the same (sugar).

I don't know, but I'm happy and relieved.

Yippee!

Back in the zone, baby! And it's not even hormonal mercies, either. So maybe a few more will go "bye bye" soon.

The best news about this is the last two days, I've had a little bit of carb (instead of no carb). I had a scoop of pasta salad with lunch two days in a row. The rest of the day was simple carb free, but even so. This bodes well for the future when I'm at a *good* long term weight. Perhaps this means I can have a little more "normal" diet (not normal normal, of course, but something) down the road. Like an English muffin. Or a small potato with dinner.

Yay!

Down two pounds today.

A Disturbing Trend

I did better Monday. I did well Tuesday. So I went to the scale with the full knowledge my weight would be down--only to find it up a FULL pound from yesterday. I know in my head what's going on right now has to be hormonal weight (water), but surely not all of it. What was almost a 70# loss is suddenly and violently a #59 pound loss.

Do I need to give up? Just accept my genes make me fat and that's that?

:(