Ok, so I'm back down another pound

Do I get it? Not at all. But I am glad. Before we start high-fiving, I need to remind you I'm still six pounds over my LIW (four over the original zone, two over the revised zone)--and I'm going on vacation for two weeks.

Yoikes.

Provisional woot

My weight is the same today as yesterday! Yes, too high, but for the second, stable. Hope it's a trend! While I don't want to be 7# over my LIW, I can live with it if it stops here and starts acting normally (within reason).

I ate a cookie today

Just one cookie. I was at a friend's and she made cookies for our visit. I want to be normal. That won't happen, but I can only do what I can do.

I'm praying and hoping my weight stabilizes. But I have to live my life.

Difficult

The scale has not been a friend. I've had difficulty stabilizing in the past, but not this difficult. I've not been this high above the zone before. And there's no help for it. It is what it is.

I'm dealing with fear, worry, depression, discouragement, and lots of other negative emotions. Today the scale was a little bit down (still way out of the zone), so that was good.

I don't know what to do except keep going and hope for the best. In the past when this has happened (sudden, unexpected weight gain with no provocation), eventually I've said, "Screw it" and given up.

I'm not going to do that.

Steak days=bad juju

Oh boy, am I hungry! Having sugar and carbs of all manner and description over the weekend just makes me feel more hungry today.

Right now things are cozy here. School is done and I'm working quietly on the computer, tea at the ready. But later I must go out into the pouring rain and tax my poor, hungry body.

I went for the full Steak Day today instead of the Protein Day; I lose more weight on the SD, though it's far more difficult.

I hope I don't gain 876# pounds on vacation.

Steak day

I don't even have to weigh to know. Heck, I don't want to weigh! I had time off, a furlough, if you will. The trip to Seattle with my dad, and Easter. I probably just should have strapped a feed bag on and walked around that way for three days. It would have been more streamlined.

But here I am, today: steak day.

:-{

Still here

A friend emailed me and asked why no blog, so here's one. Things have been going poorly with the scale. I thought I'd spare you my Angel of Death routine and stay off the blog.

The long and short of it is, I've been doing it all right, and yet the scale keeps creeping up. I'm doing more than I ought to with the steak and/or protein days, and stabilization just ain't happening.

It's scary and disheartening. Add to that a lot of stress with Mark's school (now trying to finish up a huge project that's due), trip prep (dreading the plane trip like a root canal with no anesthetic), a busy life, and surgery prep--add to that a healthy dose of PMS and voila--Angel of Death.

Tomorrow we head to Seattle with my dad for an overnight doctor visit. I'm dreading more weight gain from both the mini trip and the S. Padre Island trip next week.

No weigh in today

The weigh in after a steak day always sucks (rebound), so who needs it? I concussed myself Saturday. It's mild, but I've had a headache ever since and have been transposing numbers. Ack!

Mark got a whopper of a concussion two years ago (Safeway accident) and tells me the only cure is time.

Oh well, it's not like I don't have anything to do, like homeschool, getting ready for Easter, and getting ready to leave on an out-of-state trip in a week and a half....

Ok, well now I'm just mad

I just looked at my doctor's office's website. I was so overcharged for all of it. Grrrrr. I sent an email, but I'm virtually sure nothing will come of it.

Third steak day since the 9th

Lame. Up 1.4# since YESTERDAY. I must say, I'm feeling bitter about this diet, especially the last cycle. The last cycle, with the new doc, cost WAY more. She's so nice, but her "big ideas" are expensive, and DO NOT WORK. Oooh, take this supplement, you'll lose 15# pounds on your own before the next cycle! $50 later and all I've done is gain since starting it. There's a lot of that.

So, now I'm considering ordering the drops online. I know, there's a risk it's baboon pee from Zimbabwe, but geez, paying over $700 to lose 21 pounds (instead of 35-40 as promised), and then gaining it back in a month (ok, not all of it, but today I'm 5# over my LIW) is lousy math.

Going rogue

And what an afternoon! One month ago today I started stabilization. Having carbs is permitted at three weeks, but with my stabilization being less than we'd hope, I waited another week. I waited until today when I knew we'd want to celebrate Mark's last day of student teaching.

So we planned to have our favorite Cincinnati Chili (Thanks, Cori!) and chocolate cake. But, today, as I prepared the world's best chocolate cake (trust me) with ganache (oy), I sampled! I had batter, I had chocolate chips, and I liked it! Then tonight, I had the pasta/chili, and I had cake--with a scoop of ice cream. Dude, I haven't felt full since January. It was nice. Very, very nice.

But, tomorrow is a steak day. It was anyway (Sucks, but it is what it is.). So nice to eat like a normal person for once.

Only half a pound up today

Ugh. Whoa is me!

Could be hormonal weight gain, right? Let's go with that. That means it will go away soon.

Right? Right.

:*(

I need a hug.

Trying to remain calm

Not working. Up another full pound overnight. Again. And I know a green salad and small bowl of turkey chili for dinner last night did NOT cause it.

Any ideas? Trying not to stress, but crikey.

*&^%%%

The two steak days are a bust. I'm back to where I was. In a day. Clearly, things aren't going well. But I'm doing all I can; I know that. Still sucks, though. What the &*^%%^ is the deal with my body, anyway? Why won't it do what it should do? What's with the metabolism, the pain, the fatigue?

Ok, you don't know. Wish I did!

I know there's only so much I can do. I don't even have starch, for pete's sake! I can't cut back anymore than I have. I am very confident and comfortable with my food intake. It's really darned hard to do what I do as it is.

I have to let it go, and just keep doing what I'm doing, try to chill, and hope my weight stabilizes soon. Very. Soon.

Burned the ships

I carried my old clothes around in the car for a week or so, too scared to turn them into Goodwill for fear of gaining my weight back. Yesterday, I took the plunge and dropped them off.

Discouraged

Steak day #2 was not what I'd hoped, either. I'm just .2 in the zone. There's always a bounce back up after a steak day as well, so barring a miracle, I'll be out of the zone as early as tomorrow morning. Again.

Well, this sucks. I'm afraid I may have to give in and adjust my "LIW" upward, like they suggested last time. It's so maddening because I'm "doing everything right." That sort of describes every aspect of my life, though. Doing everything right, but with limited success.

Steak days suck

I hate the weak and wan feeling all day. Then, I'm good while I'm eating, then I feel weird after, then hungry later...it's just not fun!

Let's hope and pray for stabilization to occur already! Even though I can't eat like a normal person, at least I can usually have a little bit of carb a couple of times a week. I'm just not there yet.

And I want to be.

Protein day didn't work, still out of the zone

Insert long string of obscenities, here: *&^%&&&%%$$*((*^%%%%.

Today a protein day, tomorrow, the world

I did it! I took a walk Thursday. And I did it again today! I've been walking in the pool for awhile now, but not on land. I live on a hill that's on a hill that's on a hill. It's just something that's hurt (walking on said geography). But it's also something I've wanted to do again. I miss walking with my family around the neighborhood. And it's good for me to push the envelope to try and get in shape.

But it's always at a cost. So this week I struck while the iron was hot. I hadn't had to drive much (a big tax on my back), so I wasn't already compromised. Then, a co-worker of Mark's who lives three blocks up called and asked us to come up. Mark grabbed the car keys, and I surprised him my grabbing the dog leashes. I went for it, baby! And it was ok.

Then today, I decided to build on the momentum. After dinner and getting my important chores done (laundry, dishes), Anna and I took the dogs and headed out. It was great!

And, it hurt. And, it hurts now. But I structured things so I could take care of my back tonight, and I have: stretches, bath, ice, and couch now. I hope I can keep it up! It can only help both my metabolism and my training for surgery. Despite the pain, I still did a happy dance when we got home. Small victories.

Speaking of metabolism, tomorrow I add legumes to my food profile. Life is good. :)

Graduation Day

...and I celebrate it by having a Protein Day instead of bacon, or pizza, or bread, or ice cream, or chocolate and peanut butter. :( Feh.

Why the scale crawls ever upward, I do not know. I guess if I knew, it might contribute to me curing my metabolic disorder.

But, I got on today and it was a full two pounds above the top of the zone. Why can't I ever hover at the bottom of the zone?!

So, protein's on the menu today. Bacon tomorrow. I'm trying to be serene about my difficulties in stabilizing my weight, but I believe I'm genetically incapable of serenity.

We live in hopes.

Not weighing today

Since I can't manage a protein day today anyway, who needs the grief? I have it planned to do one tomorrow unless the scale plays nice. It's not tough to go that way; one just adds veggies and fruit! It is tough to figure in a corrective day last minute.

I'm attempting to make an up-to-date to do list. It's ugly. I'm factoring in what I want to accomplish before my surgery (Or as I view it, running headlong toward a cliff), and it just boggles the mind.

When one homeschools (read: lack of time for other things), and can't sit upright in a chair like a normal person, or use their hand properly, it certainly complicates life. Everything takes twice the planning and implementation of doing something as simple as addressing an envelope takes on layers of hassle. Yep, it sucks.

Speaking of my thoracic outlet problem, I finally bit the bullet and made an appointment with my former doctor. He's the ONLY ONE. I tried so long to find somebody else (since my surgery failed and he's a bit of a knob). There is no one else. And if I ever want to properly use my hand again, I need to suck it up.

So of course I have to fall into the .000007% of people who SHOULD have the first rib out. Too bad they find that out only in doing the horribly painful surgery first--and having it fail. I look at the scars on my neck and shoulder and think, You were in there already, why didn't you just yank it out to be on the safe side? Sadly, doctors don't take my word for it when I tell them I'm a freak. They think I must be mistaken--until I prove it to them the hard way.

The inevitability of more spinal and thoracic surgery could put me over the edge if I let it. But I don't let it (much). That way be madness....

Two days 'til stabilization

But alas, I don't think I'll be diving headlong into a pizza or a bag of Cadburry eggs just yet. My stabilization is too unstable.

I do plan to increase my variety a bit, in the realm of cured meats (Hello, bacon!) and legumes (Hello, cassoulet and chili!).

And the scale says...

Same as yesterday. :(

I get tired of hope dissappionting me

Two good days, followed by an inexplicable two pound jump. Why? No idea. I ate everything I should, in moderate portions, and nothing I shouldn't.

Lunch

We had a small birthday party for my dad. There were burgers, hand cut fries, and apple cobbler with ice cream. Sigh.

Not for all of us!

Yay!

Still in the zone. This is the first time in over two weeks the weight has been stable. I'll try not to get too excited, but I'm still taking it as a good sign.

Back in the zone today!

Go figure.

This diet will be the death of me.

Addition by subtraction

Getting rid of more stuff. It's great! I just cleaned my linen closet (am laying in a lump now, back pulsing like a Star Trek warp core). This morning I made an offhand comment about things being done the same stupid way 'cause that's the way they've always been done (Can't remember what I was talking specifically about--could be anything!); so when I started the linen closet, my words floated back to me.

And I changed it. Moved towels to a different shelf, which necessitated a move of the blankets, which prompted a move of the "pharmacy" shelf, etc. It works so much better now! I also pulled some stuff out and put it in the goodwill box with my tons of clothes.

Hmmmm. My clothes. I'm getting cold feet on taking them in right now as I'm back out of the zone again--just that fast. Both times I've done protein days this week, within two days I'm back out of the zone. There's always the fear that I won't be able to maintain, no matter what I do. I *know* I'm eating right. And I *know* there's only so much I can do! But still, thinking of weight coming back makes me shake in my boots.

Streamlining

Today I went through my closet and drawers and offloaded a whole bunch more clothes. I have to admit, I'm a little sad about some items I've had for 20 years (couldn't always fit). But it's time to let them go.

Back in the zone (hope it lasts)

Lost 2# on the protein day. Protein days are far superior to steak days, though not exactly fun. I'm in the zone by a pound, and with the radical jumps up, that may not last. Hope it does!

I hope stabilization happens pretty soon. This is for the birds.

Coming to the end of Protein Day

Hope it wasn't a complete waste of time! In the past when I've done steak days close together, there's definitely diminishing returns. But I didn't feel I had a choice with the scale skyrocketing upwards.

I can't understand it! WHY does it do this? I'm eating healthfully, moderate servings, and totally on the program. Well, I guess if I knew why I had this problem with my metabolism/weight, it'd be easier to solve.

New title

What do you think?

A little sad today

Another full pound up this morning (over half the steak day weight is back--with no provocation on my part). I'm attempting not to overreact, but the fact is hanging there maybe I *can't* maintain this loss. But, I've been through this before and the other three times, eventually I stabilized. It took a hell of a lot of work (and too many steak days) to hold it, but I held.

Today is the new and improved "Protein Day." I made rosemary steak (with my very own herb garden rosemary--I'm so proud!) for breakfast. Yowzer, was it good.

My little girl is much improved, but we're taking the day off school anyway. We've all been working like trenchermen this past couple of months with Mark's school, so I did the math and figured we can afford the day jump on spring break. Anna's resting (reading and computer, mostly), I'm alternating reading with small-but-satisfying house projects and trying not to worry about what I can't control (in this case, what the scale does).