A long, hungry day!

This is one of the "less fun" steak days. And that's saying something. School is done, and now I need to clean the horrid kitchen. But I feel as weak as a newborn kitten. Ugh.

Today I got out my hcg notebook and got everything ready (new calendar and other necessary forms, etc.). Wow--it's really gonna happen! It's kind of exciting, kind of daunting. On a related note, my self-ordered needles and syringes arrived today. They're about 1/3 in cost of what the office was charging (a dollar a needle--usury!), and that includes shipping. Tell your friends.

So, Saturday is loading. I love loading too much. I'm rather glad the way the calendar plays out this time. Looks like I'll head into stabilization (emotionally difficult, but at least I'm not starving) on April 1st (no fooling). So, I can essentially be done in March. As in, starting on my first day of misery, I can say, "I'll be done next month." Psychologically valuable for a nutjob like me.

Last night at Anna's concert I was chatting with the dad of a fellow violin student of Anna. I haven't seen him in quite awhile, known him for years. I'm hardly one to ever think I'm being checked out. But he was like one of those googly eyed fish, staring at my chest, saying I'd "bounced back from the surgery." Mark thought it was hilarious (he always feels a smug satisfaction when I get checked out, claiming that he's the one who gets to take me home, so they can look all they want and eat their hearts out), and he made me laugh, too.

4 days off=7 pounds

Dude, I'm not joking. Sure, some of it must be water. But even so, it sucks.

:(

Steak day today. I'm starving already. Not loving this situation.

Jumped the fence

Combination of vacation rapidly coming to a close, plus pms ravenous hunger, and travel...diet=not so good.

It's like GPA, so hard to get up, so easy to blow.

Monday=steak day. Yuck.

One week from now I'll be loading. Two days of heaven followed by three months of misery.

Must work on not freaking out

2 of the 3 gone overnight. So apparently if I have a meal off, my body retains masses of water. Why, exactly?

It will get a lot of opportunity this weekend as we're heading out to Alderbrook Resort in a couple of hours.

Getting nervous

In about a week and a half, the dreaded diet again. My (soon to be former) doctor wants me to have more protein this time. I hope it helps the fatigue and the gnawing hunger. It's hard to believe by April we will (likely) have reached two huge goals: Mark finishing his teaching degree and me reaching my big weight goal (we fine tune after that).

It won't be an easy slide between now and then. But then again, I can honestly say we've never had an easy slide. It is what it is. I think our family crest should read: Grim Determination.

Come on now!

Sorry, but two meals off in a fair and just world does NOT equal 3 pounds. I know what you're thinking, water gain. Even so, I was so excited about the apparent stabilization! And tomorrow we're going out of town. Sigh.

So I'm just penciling in Steak Day on Monday.

Feh.

ugh

We ate badly tonight. I feel yucky.

Way cool

Weight is...wait for it...EXACTLY THE SAME! This is awesome! I hope it keeps up. Things feel different lately. It's like in some almost imperceptible way, I feel different. I notice subtle changes in my body, unnoticed by anybody but me. It feels like I've finally settled into this weight, a full two months after my last injection.

...just in time to start the next cycle! Vexing like sandpaper underpants, but good information for the future.

A positive scale reading has made me cocky

I'm baking muffins for friends: pumpkin spice chocolate chip muffins, mind you.

And I ate one.

Woot!

Somehow a minor miracle has happened. Today my weight is the same as it was the morning after the steak day--before Nacho Fest '11. I'm sure it won't happen again, but I'll take it!

Probably 1.5 weeks out from the next cycle. Gulp!

Didn't weigh today

Last night's meal had issues. I had thought we'd be having a carb meal. Then I figured we weren't, and made other plans.

Plans that involved meat not remaining in the freezer one hour before we were to eat.

So, our back up ended up being nachos. :} And Mark made a crostata (yum!). So, there it is. It was one meal out of several days. I'm fine with that. I was back on the wagon immediately. So it's ok.

My weight would be up today anyway (inevitable steak day rebound), so who needs the misery of being menaced by the scale?

The good news is, now that the meat is thawing, I'm pretty much set for a great meal tonight. Everything else was done in advance! Works well for the house stuff we've been working on; I could use the energy on something else. The house: so satisfying, but it's killing my back.

A new record

Four pounds on the steak day! Lends credence to my friend's opinion that the radical weight gain was water, not fat.

Even so, I know from experience tomorrow the weight will rebound up. Again with the fluids.

Nearing the end of the steak day

Phew! It's so not fun. But, it's necessary.

Tomorrow I'll be back in my zone, and all will be well--till we get back from Seattle Tuesday! It could be a horrid two steak day week next week. Feh.

Malaysia

S'up?

Steak day update

I'm hungry, I'm weak, and I'm cranky. Why must I do this?! Sigh.

It is what it is.

As I told my friend, I wanna be phat, not fat. Hmmm. Maybe I'll rename the blog: Phat not Fat. Or Fat with a Ph. What do you think?

:}

More later. If I don't fall down emaciated when I take Anna to her violin lesson.

Are you kidding me?

FOUR pounds? That ain't right, pal.

I hate steak days. :(

Yes, alright, I'm here

Today is the first day "back" after two days "off." Feh. I miss carbs! It was so nice to eat what I wanted, for a change. I did not weigh today. After Sunday night (one meal off) I saw on Monday I was up 1.5#. That was enough to keep me away from the scale today after having yesterday off pretty much entirely.

I don't eat as much as I used to. But my body still freaks out. :( So today I've been towing the line, though grudgingly. They had leftover Chinese food for lunch; I had a salad (insert obscene bored gesture here).

But we have more plans next week. Two out of town trips that will involve food. Carby food. My friend makes this onion dip that is unreal. Wars have started over less. And I'm having some (darn it).

But, I'm willing to pay the price. Like now. I have my steak thawing for tomorrow. If I'm out of the zone, which--come on--I'll do a dreaded steak day. If not, I'll goose up the steak dinner with salad and broccoli.

I'm so sexy, I can hardly stand it.

Please tell me why

If I have one meal off, I gain 1.5#.

ARGH.

Ok, ok, it's ok, it's probably just water.

Of course I'm down .8

Which makes me slap my head because vacation starts today and there are times out planned. Like tonight.

Sigh.

I suppose it could be worse--I could be UP a bunch and still have the same plans. See, I'm a cock-eyed optimist.

10 months

I just looked back to the beginning of this hcg odyssey. It made me cringe, remembering how very miserable getting started is--hey, the whole thing is miserable. 7 weeks. 7 weeks. 7 weeks. I've had 7 bad weeks lots and lots of times. I can do it.

Thankfully, I have three cycles over the past year to prove to myself I can live through it. Not too excited about Anna's birthday party and the like. Those events suck. Especially cooking and baking.

With a high potential of having back surgery in July, that would mean just one cycle until fall. I'm mixed on that. I'd just as soon have done with it. But the good side of having surgery in July is I'll be back in the swing (enough, at least) by the time Anna's school and lessons start up again. It sucked a huge lemon having it in mid-late August; I thought I was gonna die in September, trying to do school and take Anna to dance each week.

Whaddya know?

Down .4 today. Well, I'll fix that tomorrow night (sigh). Mark and I have dinner out plans! And they involve pasta.

It's been a weird food day

I need to not have peanut butter in my house. It's bad enough that I'm allergic to it, but must I crave it? It's way high in calories (though high in protein, too).

Wondering what the scale will do tomorrow. Despite my eating "everything right," I sense another gain is coming. :( I just need to keep it sort of reasonable before my next cycle--which is coming way too fast. Vacation starting, and I do worry about the little trips we have planned. Maybe I should buy a cow to have it on hand for all the steak days coming up.

I also need to get my act together and get swimming. Between illness and schedule, it's not happened yet.

At least it's not up

I wanted down, but plateau is ok, I guess. Certainly better than the roller coaster I've been on since contracting the PT Plague.

I am a quite concerned now about the vacation. We have some happy fun travel plans which involve eating. I do have steak days preliminarily penciled in. It does chafe like mad that I gain a full pound even eating ONE meal with a SMALL amount of simple carb in it. It's just not right!

On my way shortly to get my blood drawn. Oh, please, let something show up that we can fix.

I can't believe I'm seriously considering another back surgery in Arizona. What if it doesn't work? It's been five months and I'm just now starting to feel sort of close to the level I was before the last one (that didn't work, remember?). I must need a CT scan. On the one hand, I feel I need to try to get my life back. On the other, am I living out the cutesy definition of insanity, doing the same thing (in my case, surgery) over and over hoping for a different outcome?

My reward for having salad for dinner

.4 up today.

Proof of a fallen universe.

The end of a very long day

It's been weird. I'm still suffering from the Port Townsend Plague, but ran out of road to stay home. Anna needed to go to dance, and Mark was working. I also needed to get my doctor appointment in. So, those things were done. My doctor (the one I see once a year) was in shock and awe mode about my weight loss. I forgot I hadn't seen her in a year.

The receptionist didn't recognize me. That's happened twice now, people I know a little, but have known for years don't recognize me on sight. I say to Mark it's because I'm wholly forgettable, he says it's because I've lost that much weight. I guess his is better. I still see the same set of eyes in the mirror. I've not changed. Just my circumference.

I was so tired after Anna's class let out, I wanted to swing through and get take out. I decided to stick to my original, healthy plan and eat what I'd prepared in advance at home: salad. But after I got home, I remembered I'd just washed and chopped lettuce. My back was screaming, and I didn't feel like peeling and slicing, but I got it done. I resisted the urge to have peanut butter for dinner. :) Anna's dinner was more exciting.

The scale better not jump any higher in the morning. That really bothers me. If there's anybody who can tell me what the problem with my metabolism is, you'll have my gratitude forever. The doctor ordered my bloodwork, speaking of my fickle metabolism. I'm so hoping something overt shows up--something we can work with. It's not normal to gain one pound after having one small serving of simple carb. Now I need to find the time in the near future to get my carcass to the lab early some morning. Ugh.

I'll let 'cha know what happens in the morning with the scale. Fingers crossed it doesn't cross me again. I've considered launching it off my deck more than once. Tomorrow might be the day.

Well, I jinxed it

Remember that bit about how I thought I'd stabilized? Belay that. Up another pound today. What's the benefit of being horribly ill if the weight doesn't STAY off?

Hopefully this virus won't derail the whole diet train...

...but it occurs to me I finally have stabilized! Whee! It's been two weeks since it's been necessary for a steak day. It's still not a great stabilization, like the first round of hcg where I could have three meals a week "off" and still lose weight. But even so, it's stayed in the zone. If I can keep it between the lines 'til the next cycle (on the countdown clock now), I'll have to say it's all good.

I'm a little worried about our pending vacation time. That could be a bit dicey. I'd not at all be surprised if more steak days were in order. But, I know what to do, and I'm willing to do it. That's the key, I think, for those of us with wicked metabolisms that don't play by the rules: accepting that it is what it is, that we can't eat like the normals, and doing what it takes.

This is not a diet for people who can't control themselves. If that's you, save yourself the misery and money and work on that part first. In my experience, most obese people have control problems, metabolism is not their biggest (no pun intended) issue. It's not a quick fix. It's painful and miserable. Do not try this at home. If you want nutritional tips, I'm there for you.

Anyway, moving on... Why so many hits today? Nothing truly interesting will happen 'til February. But hello Malaysia, anyway. Thanks for stopping by!

Dumb virus

Two pounds back and I barely ate a thing yesterday. I did manage to drink, though. This virus has got me dehydrated.

I can't believe it, but even though Mark has the day off, he has to spend the whole thing at school. Poor Anna (poor me)!

Now that I'm reasonably sure I'll live...

...I wish this no appetite thing would last. I'm sure it won't and before long I'll be eating to regain my strength.

It's hard to believe in a month I'll be back on the hcg wagon again. Yuck. On the other hand, it won't be long 'til I reach my MAIN weight goal. Then after that, we see. I have a whole lot of belly that needs to go bye bye. Not for aesthetics, mind you, but for health. My back specifically.

I believe in my heart everybody comes in different sizes and shapes and that's cool. It'd be boring if we all looked the same. And I have no aspirations that I'll ever be thin like many of my girrrlz. But I need to get the pull off my poor spine. That's what counts.

Found a way to get below my original LIW

Get violently ill.

1.2

1.2 pounds up from one meal off. Sucks. I'm hoping it drops back down tomorrow, like it did last time. Still...lame!

One month 'til the next round. This off round has been very stressful, so I'm kind of looking forward to the next weight loss time. I relish the thought of my Santa belly going away--mostly! It will be weird--good weird, mind you.

I had thought this next round would be the last, but it doesn't appear it will be. I guess two more. Sure, I could be blown away and the 30+ pounds I'll probably lose this next time might be "enough," but I like the idea of losing more--giving my body room to adjust up to a comfortable level without it being a problem for me (or my back).

Two more long cycles, though? Yuck. But let's hope that will be the end of it. Let's also hope the food allergy thing (nuts and berries) goes back into the pit where it belongs.

The timing of the second cycle this year is up in the air. The first is early February, nopraw. The second will either be June or August. Both have pros and cons. Taking long breaks is good for the drugs; the more time off between, the more effective the medication. And it gives my body time to chill out. But stabilization/maintenance is supposed to be easy and fun. For me...not so much.

Even so, the thought that this time next year I'll be done with weight loss, and Mark will likely be launched in his new career as a teacher...it's a trip. I'll still have this back of mine, but maybe the rest of our life will be easier. Maybe.

Wow, pizza and ice cream are good!

I hadn't had ice cream since early September. Maybe August.

My kingdom for a good metabolism!

Tired of the see saw

Up .4 and I didn't eat anything I ought not.

Sigh.

But I AM having a lunch off today. Deal with it, body.

Ladybugs are cute, my face is not

Tried berries tonight. Bad juju. Berries and nuts. I ate them my whole life. They're among my favorites, but now...? How can the universe be so cruel?!

Today was supposed to be a date for us. We have gift cards for Olive Garden and the movies. I was stoked! Seriously, it's been so long since we've had a date, we cannot remember when. So then Mark gets sick for the first time in a year.

Our opportunities for such activities are few. Now, gone. Kind of bummed. Ok, really bummed. I was so looking forward to both the movie and a deluxe meal off--and out!

C'est la vie.

The good and the bad

The good: my weight is down.

The bad: my doctor is quitting.

hmmmm

I had an apple after dinner, about 7:30. First time I've eaten quite awhile after dinner in...quite awhile. I don't know what bothers me more, that I ate the apple, or that it bothers me that I ate the apple.

Got to find a healthier headspace for all this.

Weight

Down a little bit. Not where it was before the 1 c pasta debacle, but down--not up.

Oops

It was 1.5# up. Not 2.5#. I didn't have my notes in front of me when I weighed. Even so, 1.5# for a cup of pasta just isn't right.

Something is wrong. It makes me worry about the future of both this diet and my weight.

Neither normal, nor right

Nobody gains 2.5 pounds after having one cup of pasta with dinner.

If you have anything even remotely encouraging to say, now's the time....

Not much to report

The doctor didn't have any magic answers for me. Blood work next week and we hope something shows up.

Tonight. The carb meal. Sigh. I feel like a carb vampire. I can't control myself once I start. I managed to not eat the entire house, but I'm still jonesing for carby goodness. Instead, I'm having my 896th cup of tea today.

I'll let you know what Mr. Scale says tomorrow.

One more thing

I've got to get going with school today, but I've been thinking about something for a couple of days. First, I loathe The Diet. It doesn't do what it's supposed to do for me (not feeling hungry, indeed, "feeling great"). It's misery on a plate. And the stabilization/maintainence has been difficult at times. But, it's the most effective thing I've tried. So I think we're stuck with each other.

So you know I'm going to be doing another long (gag) cycle in a month. I rather figured that'd be it. But, being I haven't lost as much as I thought I would by this point, I was entertaining the idea of another short cycle.

But now that thought has evolved. What if I did two more (total) long cycles? Yes, it'd be awful. However, I'd be pretty dang low at the end, and that would give me room to stabilize up (as I have been this time), and it not be a bad thing. Perhaps it'd enable me to eat more carb in general at the end? And still maintain a weight I'm happy with?

Just a thought. I couldn't do a second long cycle until early summer. So I guess I have time to eh--weigh--the pros and cons. I'm jumping into the pool in February regardless.

.2 up

That, I don't like. Mark said it's virtually the same weight, so not to worry about it. But given my complete body of work... And today is a carb meal day. I haven't had any simple carb in a week. And I've been promising them a certain meal, which I'm making tonight. Something involving pasta.

Fingers crossed.

This afternoon I see the doctor. Let's hope all those years of schooling pay off. But I've made a career out of stumping doctors.

Wooooooot

Weight yet further down today. I'm at the bottom of the NuZone, and but .4 above the OldZone. Tomorrow is my doc appt. Finally! I'm hoping we can get to the bottom of my issues and discover something actionable.

This morning I was craving brunchy-carby food really badly. Watching Food Network did not help.

January 1

Yay! Down a little more! Don't know why really, but it works for me!