December 25

Merry Christmas!

The year winding down

If you want a cheery post, abort the mission now! You have been warned.

My family's still asleep, for the moment. I'm in the living room looking at the Christmas decorations and listening to peaceful music. But all in all, I'm not feeling it this Christmas. At best, most of the time, I'm phoning it in.

This year hasn't ended up all that well. I'm not the only one, and many in my life have it worse. I know someone whose wife died at 56. Another one lost their parent (I know that pain all too well). A great guy I knew lost his life at the age of 42 to cancer. Another friend is fighting for her life--cancer. Yet another's husband bailed.

As for me, the year, while it's had many great times, is ending on a blue note. Most notably, my dog Maggie's death on Dec. 4. I picked up her ashes yesterday and cried at the vet's office. Very dignified, yes? I think about her so much. I miss her terribly.

Other stuff isn't so great, either. We're still in limbo with Mark's job(s). He seems to be trapped in part-timer purgatory in the teaching profession, while being stuck at the grocery store nights to pay our bills. It's frustrating. My last back surgery didn't work. Seems likely nothing will work on it, ever. I don't have that many people I consider friends, or shall I say FRIENDS. I have lots of friendly acquaintances, and that's cool. But I have a very tough time trusting people, so it's a rare thing when I really consider someone a friend. This year, one moved across the country and another one just drifted away and away and away, and I couldn't stop it. I tried. But you can't force someone to love you. Speaking of lack of love, I also find my thoughts drifting to my own bio family of origin. Feh. My weight is a constant struggle and challenge. My success is hard won, but limited. It just feels like life's largely a sad thing, at least at times. At least at this time.

I'm quite sure I'm not the only one with the holiday blues. I'm not even stoked for this year to end because I have no real hopes of anything being different in 2014. Oh, I know (don't lecture me), I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am. Most of the time. It's just this year Christmas feels way more blue than green.

Today

Today my dog died. My nearly 16-year-old Labrador retriever, Maggie. She's the best dog I've ever known, and my life will never be the same. She was with me for a full 1/3 of my life! That's a lot. We had Maggie before we had our daughter. She was our "first baby."

Last night, she was ok. Tonight, she's gone.

Good deal!

This morning my weight was as low as it's been since my last day of the diet. It was almost two pounds below my LIW. I'll take that! I was super heavy on the protein for the last couple of days, after my weight jumped 4# from Thanksgiving (give me a break!).

Hope my lame epidural shot (and cold) don't mess it up somehow. I woke up at 4 feeling like I was coughing up glass while having my head pummelled by an anvil.

The epidural wasn't fun, or easy. So between the two, I'm feeling pretty lousy, being a couch jockey. Mark and Anna are taking care of things, and me. So, it's about as good as could be expected, I suppose.

Graduation Day!

Yep, it's true! Today I'm freed from all dietary restrictions. Now comes the long and difficult part of maintenance--right in time for the holidays!

Even so, this morning it was great to have sausage, and ketchup, at breakfast. And it made things so much easier to taste what I was making in advance for Thanksgiving (this morning I made this great cranberry dish and the best dip in the world, smoked salmon dip--email me for the recipe).

Tomorrow is the Big Day, both Thanksgiving, and ingestion of scarbs (simple carbohydrates). Wish me luck! Let's hope my weight doesn't shoot up the next day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Two weeks down, one to go...

...for the official stabilization period of this hcg cycle. It's going ok. I've stayed in the zone, no corrective days required.

I'll be off all restrictions on Thanksgiving. While it will be the best meal ever, I'm a little concerned about keeping the weight stable. I'm kicking myself now for continuing to put my start date off. If I had of gone when planned, I'd have had a full month of stabilization maintanance before the holidays hit.

Well, it is what it is! It will be a lean holiday season for me this year! Ok, lean on what I can eat. Not me being lean. I wish! :D

Yay!

Weight back to within a few ounces of my LIW (last injection weight). I calmed down a little after I freaked out about it going up. The days had seemed so long with Maggie being sick that I forgot it ALWAYS goes up, then back down when I start Stabilization.

Maggie's better, my weight is better. It's all good!

One week into Stabilization: hanging on

I was irked today to see I'm at the upper end of the maintance zone. Grrrr! Why? No idea. I've been following it monastically. I hope it drifts down.

If I were to take a flying guess, I'd say stress. Our Labrador, Maggie, has been quite sick, and yesterday we found out she has an aggressive form of cancer and will not be with us much longer.

This came to light when she was sick with what turns out to be food poisoning of some kind. We have no idea what she got into, but dogs will be dogs. They're treating that, and she's MUCH better. For now.

The likely progression of her illness is she'll die in her sleep when her spleen ruptures. They say it's not painful. What is painful is wondering every time she's napping if this is IT.

In the meantime, we're doing what we can to help her feel as well as possible for as long as possible and loving her to pieces!

From the vet hospital to the people hospital today to visit my friend who's there. Again.

Yesterday I really wanted some chocolate. And alcohol. We went to the store for something shortly after we heard about Maggie's diagnosis. I stayed strong, though. Wasn't easy. So, yeah. Stress. I think I'm pumping out enough cortisol these days to fuel a small city.

Stabilization Day 3: So far, so good

I got on the scale today. I didn't after the first day, because it always goes up. I mean, it has to! But, I wanted to check after a couple of days to make sure all was well. It's well! I'm still below my my LIW (last injection weight), which is awesome for this stage! I still feel weird, but in a week, I'll more than likely be feeling pretty good.

Yay! Full steam ahead.

P.s.

I weigh the least I have in two years.

Like a Holiday!

I did it! Graduation day! I made it the full monty and today...I get to eat! The final tally: 20#. Phew! This morning I've lotioned my poor, dry paws and so enjoyed half and half in my tea, it's not even funny.

I get to cook for my family this morning (when they get up). Yeah, I'm hungry, but what's another hour? After a month of constant, gnawing hunger and protein deprivation, yeah, I can wait until 7:30. :)

I found a sheet in an hcg book a friend gave me that has several places for one to measure before and after. I lost 29 inches off my body. Nice! And, my morning fasting blood sugar went down 30 points. Whoa!

Yeah, you can be happy for me. Give yourself a high five on my behalf right now. I dare you.

So, now beins the Stabilization phase. Sure, the first few days are honeymoon time, and then, being more human than most, I start whining about still wanting carbs. S'ok, they'll be here when I'm able to progress to P4 (phase 4), the slow introduction of carbs. Unfortunately, no slow intro this year as my first day without any food restrctions (formal ones, one needs to daily weigh to keep the weight down by corrective days when necessary) is Thanksgiving. Guess the day after will be a corrective day, huh?! Lol!

It's ok. It's all good.

One more day...

...'til food! Reached my goal today, though it technically doesn't count. It counts to me!

I loathe the time changes

Maybe I need to move to Hawaii or Arizona to escape the tyranny. I'm not a fan of waking up at 4:30. Most people crow over "getting an extra hour of sleep," but my body doesn't work that way. Ugh. I'll just be falling asleep with the toddler-aged crowd tonight and getting up hours before dawn for the next week or two. Lame.

Well, two days 'til food. I had to do a face palm this morning--another plateau. While weight loss at this point doesn't "count" beyond the Last Injection Weight, it's still nice to see, and a good insurance policy. Obviously, when one goes on Stabilization, weight comes up. It has to. It's supposed to. The key is keeping it within the prescribed Zone (not more than two pounds above your LIW).

And, in any case, it really pisses me off when I plateau. With all this suffering, I feel I deserve the weight loss! Ah well. Tomorrow I'm sure it'll show up. Better late than never.

Last Injection!

I was giddy as I put away my injection stuff for this cycle. The final tally: almost 17 pounds. One pound shy of my goal, but I'm ok with that.

Now, the next three days are a bit tough, no medication for support, and wanting to eat!!!!!

Day 21

Well, I've done it! I've crossed the Rubicon! I've dropped down to the next lower "decade." This is the lowest I've weighed in about two years. So, yay, me!

Tomorrow is the Last Injection Weight. So, hope today's a good weight loss day. I get to eat in four days. Woo!

Angry

I'm .4 above the next lower "decade." I was yesterday. I am today. After suffering through a brutal Halloween (going to a friend's where they had pizza and brownies, plus seeing all of Anna's candy was ROUGH), I was exhausted and a bit discouraged. But I consoled myself with the idea that I'd be down in the next 10 today--first time in quite a while.

So, when my weight plateaued, I was pissed off. I even went so far as to scoot the scale to different parts of the floor! No dice. It was firmly decided that no, I didn't lose squat. If I were a kicking kind of person, I'd have kicked it. And anything else in my path.

Sucks.

No way I'll make that goal now. Or even close to it.

Day 19: ready to be done...

16# down. Yay! Exhausted and hungry constantly. Not Yay!

Six more days 'til food....

One week 'til food!

I'm so excited! I've lost nearly 15 pounds. I can totally see and feel a difference--nice. My last injection is Sunday. Then, it's three days 'til one goes on Stabilization. That's three weeks of still no starch or sugar, but even so--it's FOOD! And oil! And cream in my tea! Woot!

Right now, it doesn't look good for my goal. I'd need to lose four more pounds. Probably not gonna happen, which is sucky. I'm dissappointed, but not mad at myself. I've done all I can do. I've run the good race, I'll finish strong. :)

I keep hoping one of these days, my rogue metabolism might heal itself and start working. If and when that happens, the weight will come off on its own, because I don't eat that much (vacation notwithstanding). But, it's all good. I'm doing what I can do and that has to be enough. I'm learning for that to be enough.

Day 17: Slowing down

As I told my friend Jack today, I'm tired of being tired and hungry. And, part of the hcg diet is a strict no oil policy (in or on food, but it also includes things like lotion, conditioner, chapstick, etc.). It's full-on autumn now, and my hands are really getting dry.

8 days 'til food. Can I get a cheering section? Anyone? Anyone? Crawling towards the finish line...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Getting there...

Six more injections, nine more days 'til I can eat. Oy.

Today I went .2 below my last LIW (last injection weight). I'm constantly imploring my body to hurry up! We're almost out of time to set a new LIW (that one tries valiantly to hold until the next cycle), and I want it to be as low as possible. My revised goal (for this cycle) would be 5 more pounds. Not super likely, but I can hope!

Shot Day 15: Rounding Third

One week from today I do my last hcg injection. I'm glad, and not. My weight loss has been a bit more sluggish than I'd hoped (as always, really). If it keeps up at this pace, I won't reach my redefined objective. Ah, well. There's really nothing else I can do, is there?

Just hope for the best. Over 12 pounds down. I need to be pleased with that.

Live action blogging

Well, today's diet day 14, shot 16. My cat woke me up at 5:00, effectively ruining my desire to sleep in.

Remember I was plateaued? I'm going to go check now to see today's weight. Stand by....

The verdict is: 1.6 gone. Meh... After a couple of days of plateau, I wanted more. But, I guess that wasn't likely. Still, I'm over 12# down. Yesterday, I noticed all my clothes were looser, and that's pretty cool.

12 days 'til food

No weight loss today, which I always find disheartening. USUALLY, the next day is a big loss, but not always. Sometimes the body just randomly plateaus, despite the 500 calories (or fewer) and the medication. And that sucks a lemon.

I need to lose at least 8 more pounds to meet my redefined objectives fully. Not likely if this keeps up. This is not my first rodeo, however. I fully know the final weight count is out of my control. As long as I stick to the diet perfectly--and I do--that's as much as I can do.

Wouldn't it be nice if life were perfect?

Shot 14, Diet day 12

Still moving forward. I've lost 11 1/2 pounds. Back in the old zone! The zone is 2 pounds on either side of the LIW, or Last Injection Weight. I maintained the zone from February until the end of the summer, when my weight began to creep upward again (as always). I've now beat it back into submission and am working towards a NEW LIW to ideally maintain until the spring, when I do another diet round of hcg.

Not that that sounds appealing right now, being I'm starving all the time and if I had any less energy, I'd slip into a coma. I was complaining to a friend that I actually catch myself slumping over the sink when I do dishes. How lame is that? Well, it is what it is, as they say. A reminder: if you hear how great the HCG diet is, how it's easy to lose weight and you'll "feel great": IT'S A LIE! RUN AWAY! Seriously, this is only the most extreme measure if you just can't lose weight any other way. It's not for dabblers or the regular humans who can lose weight with diet and exercise. Oh, how I envy the regular humans!

Onward and upward!

Day 11: flagging

This energy thing is awful! The fatigue is not improving, despite the potassium (There's $6 I'll never see again!). I'm weak and exhausted all the time. I get into bed at 8 every night. And, I have weird dreams, so sleep's not great. Last night I dreamed about the family I told you about. Not a good dream at all. I have headaches a lot.

I think today is probably my halfway mark injection, at least. The sucky part is you have three full days of the non-food diet after your last injection, so I'm not halfway done with starving.

I'll keep up the good fight as long as the weight keeps coming off. Should I reach the point like I did last cycle where I feel worse and worse and the weight stops coming off, I'll do what I did last time--pull the plug. The docs/books say to do that too; I didn't wimp out.

Not that I don't want to wimp out. I want bacon.

10# gone

Yay! Now if I can do it one more time before the cycle ends (Sadly, I'm not halfway done yet...ugh.), I'll be happy. Reasonably happy. Would be more happy if I didn't have to lose the same pounds again--not for the first time.

I am quite tired (pun intended) of being fatigued and hungry all the darn time. It's not fun.

I just told my family, I sure have more time now that I'm not bothered with silly things like eating.

Come on now!

Didn't even lose one ounce. So unfair!

One week addendum: I suck at avoiding stress

But it's not my fault! I think God heard me tell Mark that a big priority for me this hcg cycle was to avoid stress. Then immediately a dear friend got sicker and so did my dog.

Today...sucked. Ok, hang on for a little backstory. A friend's wife has been ill for awhile, with a weird autoimmune disorder. They have a young teenaged daughter. A few days ago, I sent this friend an email about something trivial, and he happened to be sitting at the hospital with his wife, who had gotten worse again. She's been in and out of the hospital a lot.

Anyway, I told him, if she wasn't feeling well enough by this weekend, I'd be happy to call his clients and tell them he'd be out of the office.

Nobody expected her to die.

It's a horrible tragedy. She was all of 52 or 53 years old. I feel just sick for them. I wasn't close to her, but I knew her, and I liked her. We were both singers who had trouble with our voices due to health issues, and we'd emailed recently about that. Being a veteran of chronic pain and illness, I tried to be a support.

So, yeah. While I know this isn't about me, it was an ordeal for me to call 15 people and tell them about her death. "Hi, this is Sandra calling from XXXXXX's office. I'm afraid he needs to cancel your appointment for this week." "Why...Did something bad happen?" "Yes, I'm afraid his wife passed away." And then the screaming and crying would start. We live in a small town. It seems everybody knows everybody.

I felt bad when I had to leave a voice mail. I did it as tactfully as I could, but talking to a dozen people who are friends of theirs was awful. They needed consoling and counsel. I did my best, but it took its toll. A few of them would catch themselves and realize this must be hard for me to make these calls (hell, yes).

So I'm feeling pretty badly tonight. Drained is an understatement. I dropped Anna off at Youth Group. I wanted to throw myself on my friends' couch and cry, but I didn't say anything. I just left and went to Safeway. Bought cake for my family.

A horrible tragedy like this makes one realize how precious life is and how important it is to make the most of every day. We need to make time for those we love. Nobody knows when it'll be too late to show you care.

One Week

Wow. Not fun! I'm still uber fatigued and hungry. I've lost 8.2 pounds, however. Sadly, that rate does not keep up as a fair portion of the big weight loss the first week is fluid. Even so, my clothes are looser and my face is thinner. Man, that's always where I show it, in my face. I retain a ton of water, all there. And that's on non-diet days, too. So daily my face changes. What's up with that?

I've also been having really long, detailed, and vivid dreams. This morning's (before I woke up too early at 5:00), I spent an annoying hour with someone I know trying to talk to them about something and figure out what's been going on with them. It was totally fruitless and I woke up very frustrated. The person was being so purposefully vague and oblique--argh! Not a good way to start the day--lol!

Yesterday I tried on some clothes, which completely exhausted me. Crikey, this diet is taking it out of me. I deal with daily fatigue anyway, but having the level ramped up makes me mad. I got very little done yesterday and ended up not going into town as planned because I just felt too exhausted to manage it.

Lame! I guess I'm 1/3 done. Each cycle's weight loss is a bit different. Some cycles have gone brilliantly, some not so much. I'm hoping this one falls into the former and over the next two weeks before I hit the LIW (Last Injection Weight)I lose 10 more #--at least. That would be good. Then I'd be well and below my last cycle's LIW, which would make me do this: :).

We have preliminary plans next weekend to meet some friends in a neighbooring town to do some harvesty stuff. I hope my body's up to the job because right now it takes everything I've got to keep teaching, cooking, and cleaning. And I've got to dig deep to do that much.

Day 7: Feh

Still super fatigued. I was griping to my friend and something he said got me to look at my old blogs from last session. I thought this time was worse, but it's not. It just feels it! I looked at the previous one and I was going through the same stuff. Sadly, I didn't buy potassium then, and I haven't bought it now.

But I will. Tomorrow. Allegedly, it's partly the intense fluid loss in such a short time that can cause or contribute to the insane fatigue.

I'm on it.

I also plan to take the time and read back over a couple sessions of blogs, for encouragement. I need it.

7.5# gone, though. Again. Same pounds. Did I say again?

Day 6

Last Friday Mark was off from school and the store. Mark and Anna surprised me by having the day be a special day for me, coupled with my loading (eating like a horse)--a day where they did all the cooking, laundry, and dishes. That day was a lot better than this day. In the words of Phil Connors in Groundhog Day, "Why can't I have that day over and over and over?" That would be preferable to the day I'm living over and over and over now: hungry, weak, exhausted, often bewildered!

Not quite back down to the next weight decade yet. Nearly there. Should be tomorrow, but we'll see. There are no guarantees with this diet. Ok, there are no guarantees with anything!

I've been cold a lot, like shivering, can't get warm cold. It's a side effect of the drug. I feel it most at night. It's not fun! So far I'm down 6#. Again. Same pounds. At least it's going back in the right direction. 5# over my previous zone (the weight range from the last hcg cycle). Should be back there in a week or so!

Day 5: Dissappointing

Just a .2 loss from yesterday. Ouch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all about looking at this in its entirity, but it's still a big blow when there's no Scooby Snack for the suffering. Being hungry and extra fatigued all day sucks. So far, not to the point where this misery is worth it.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

Avoiding Stress

So this time was going to be different. Every time I say I'm going to (somehow, magically) reduce stress while I'm on the medical weight loss plan (from hell).

The first thing that happened was we got a call from our vet, telling us our elderly and beloved Maggie (Labrador retriever) has severe anemia. The doctor wanted to do tons of expensive tests, that may accomplish nothing in the long run. A neighbor friend suggested we view it as a hospice situation and just make Maggie comfortable, and avoid all the further vet stuff (She's terrified of the vet, plus we don't have the discretionary income for big expensive tests). Good advice, I suppose, but it was enough to make me weepy and all the more worried. (Happily, she's been improving, more frisky and getting up way more since it was discovered she had an ear infection and we've been treating it; I don't know if it's connected to the anemia, but who knows? We're going to get her ear re-checked in two weeks with another vet and get a second opinion. But her increased vigor has done us all good!)

The next thing that happened was I got a call from a dear friend, who's been very ill, telling me she was admitted to the hospital with complications from her (serious) illness. (Happily, I saw her again at the hospital tonight and she's doing hugely better.)

Ok, super. So, hormoned-up, exhausted, in pain (detox from sugar), and starving, I was suddenly terrified of losing two in my life I love so much. Not cool! And no, I can't tell you how I managed to not abort the mission and dive headlong into a vat of ice cream followed by an alcohol chaser. I just didn't. Not that I didn't want to.

It reminds me of a scene from a very sweet movie, Letters to Juliet. I'm paraphrasing here, but at the end, the grandma finds her long lost love, 50 years later, and they get together. Her grandson said something like, Great! You get your happy ending without all the messy bits in between. She looked at him and said something like, Life IS the messy bits.

Day 3: Rolling

Sorry I missed a day. I had fully intended to update daily, but Mondays are our crazy days, and I wasn’t feeling well at all, so that didn’t help! Sunday was horrid, but I made it through. Yesterday was quite a bit better, though that’s not saying much. I was tired, hungry, and achy all day. Today ought to be better.

I’ve already lost the loading weight and two more. In a week or so, I should be back to my last-cycle LIW (Last Injection Weight), which is good—but still galling. I need to remember, for me, it’s a journey, not a destination.

I have a really odd metabolism. I did indeed feel vindicated when I had an appointment with a top notch doctor in Seattle (a noted endocrinologist who also specializes in things like pituitary, etc.) who said I’m just, “…one of those people we can’t figure out.” If they can’t figure it out, that sort of lends credibility to my belief that my body just doesn’t WORK right, and it’s not my fault.

Even so, fault or no, I can’t just throw up my hands and not try. If I did that, I think I’d just gain and gain and gain until I popped like that girl on Willie Wonka. So, it comes to this: The Diet from Hell. Sadly, it’s the only thing that works for me…mostly.

Yeah, it sucks. It sucks a lot. I suffer and no mistake. But I don’t want to die early because of obesity and its related issues. So I keep trying.

Day 1: All Pain, No Payoff

While I'm telling myself it gets better, and from six cycles before this I know it does, but I feel awful. I liken it to having a fever. I feel exhausted, dizzy, weak, cold, then hot, starving, etc. The biggest accomplishment of the day (besides not saying f**k it and shoving four cookies into my mouth at once) was taking a shower. And it took me until 2:00 to get the energy to do that.

Earlier, I tried to finish prepping for school tomorrow. I spent a super hard hour before putting it aside and slumping back in defeat. I just can't focus. Even my eyes are blurry.

But I know it gets better. I hope it gets better quickly. MEDICAL WEIGHT LOSS IS NOT FOR WIMPS.

HCG Cycle 7, Loading Day 1

Well. Oh, yeah. HCG are hormone shots! How could I have forgotten? Hormone shots and I=natural enemies in the wild. I already have hormonal challenges; this does not help. Thankfully, it’s only for three weeks. But if you’re in my “real” life, be aware, and be kind. We’ll get through this…together! We’ve done it before.

Time to come clean. Yeah, I gained some back since this summer. I went on vacation eating for California, and, erm…, forgot to get back on. And with my really bizarre and evil metabolism, I gained back around 10# from my LIW (last injection weight). LAME!

So, I’m feeling a bit bummed. I had marvelous plans about how low-low-low my weight would be after this cycle, but now, I’ll be back where I was before, at the end of last cycle in February, maybe a little better if the diet gods are smiling upon me. I’m rather relieved, actually (though don’t quote me to me on Sunday when my blood sugar is crashing, I’m starving and detoxing or I will smack you about the head), to get back on the straight and narrow.

It sucks, but for me, I HAVE to live in a state of near carblessness to maintain my weight from these diet cycles—forget about losing like a normal human. It’s not in the cards for me. So I wish I had of powered up and forced myself back into my monastic food existence before now.

I’m a bit disappointed in myself, but it’s life. And although I’m a natural idealist, even I know life doesn’t go how one plans all the time. Or any of the time. I’m not giving up, so I’d like to think it’s not failure, it’s redefined objectives.

T Minus One Day

Tomorrow I start the first HCG shot of cycle 7. Loading Day! Sadly, the last month has been a series of loading days, so it won't be that special. Oh, how I loathe losing the same pounds again. As my husband put it, two steps forward, one step back. At least I'm going in the right direction.

Okay. Bye for now....

An idea whose time has come?

I'm leaning toward closing this space. If you send me an email at recapgirl@yahoo.com, I'd be happy to send you a link should I decide to re-open or relocate!

Nothing's official yet, just pondering.

Thoughts?

Thanks,
Sandra

A few more weeks...

...'til I'm back on the hcg. Sigh. Sigh again. I need to do it, though. As of today, I'm making a more concerted effort to eat scarb free (with a couple of meals off per week for special things). I have gained some back--quel surprise! It was the travel that did it. Mostly. I've been so busy I haven't had the time or energy that I usually have to devote to managing a high maintenance diet. That, and I LIKE eating scarbs. Like anything else, the longer you do it, the harder it is to stop doing it.

But, obviously I don't want to lose the same pounds (for the nine millionth time)again...especially the ones I lost last hcg cycle. So let's hope this month the scale number drifts back down toward my LIW. That's the goal, anyhow.

Well, I had a big weekend. I preached my first sermon--at church, that is. I preach all the time, unofficially. ;) I'd say it went well, especially for a first time. I was flattered to be asked. I have a really nice church and people were so kind. I got tons of hugs and handshakes, so I take that as it went well.

It was Labor Day Sunday, so the audience was pretty small, and some people I really hoped would come didn't. But, again, like everything else, it's the best play to focus on the people who DID come. Not always easy, though. Afterwards Mark and Anna took me out to lunch, so that was fun. And it's a relief to have it done. Time to put that bit of focus (I'm a good prepare-er) onto other things, like....

School starts for Mark tomorrow. Anna and I start in earnest next week. This week we're gearing up and taking care of some last minute things. Next week is "Review and Preview Week" for us. It's better to start a little slowly, as it's a big thing! The week after we start both her external classes (dance, writing, music) and our homeschool classes full time. So I figure ramping up to it can only be good.

Hmmmm. I feel tired just thinking about it.

Rounding third...

I can't believe summer is almost over. Despite NOT having surgery (yay! huzzah! woo hoo!), this summer wasn't the relaxing thing I'd hoped. It was a dead sprint from start to finish, leaving me a bit breathless and tired.

Time to get ready for school. My husband starts back next week with lots of meetings and getting ready for starting the day after Labor Day. Anna and I are doing a "review and preview" week that week, getting up early, doing our usual family morning schedule, and doing a few things to get our feet wet, but not all of it. She starts her outside classes (dance, violin, writing) the next week and we'll be ramping up as well. But that's not for two more weeks and two days. But who's counting? My brain is not yet in teacher mode.

She got bottom braces (and a tooth out) today. Oy. Not fun for anyone. They feel weird and she's having a lot of trouble eating. They had to glue these thingies on the backs of her two front teeth to keep her from chomping down on the bottom brackets and she can't yet figure out how to eat. So it's been yogurt and applesauce. Poor kiddo. :(

I'm really wishing we could go camping one more time this year, but no chance with Mark's schedule. At least we got to go once! Speaking of finishing things up, I went to the drive in tonight, first time by myself in two years. Well, it wasn't by myself, I went with my 15+ year old Lab, Maggie! We shared popcorn. It was like the old days, with more fidgeting (for awhile) by Maggie. Bessie (our young Lab) was not pleased that we left. But she was home with Mark and Anna, so it was ok.

Well, maybe I'm being boring. In a wholly unprecedented manner, Mark's asleep and I'm the one who's up. Generally he works nights at the store, and I'm the one who's asleep when he gets home at 11:30.

Life is weird and I am tired. Thinking of and hurting for my friend who lost his brother. Time for me to put the lid on this day.

California, we meet again!

It's been awhile since I've been here! A long, long while. Wow, Disney is cool. We haven't gone to the Parks yet, but have gone and checked out the Downtown Disney area, which is awesome. It's a great blend of grown up and kid fun.

Yeah, well, let's get to it right away: my back is making it TOUGH. Getting here, and being here. There are so many things I want to do, but can't (Like SIT at an outdoor restaurant, or go on a ride, for two). I advocated for staying home with our dogs and cat, but was overruled.

Don't get me wrong; I love it that they want me here, even with my disability. But it does make it tough. I'm in a lot of pain already, and we got here six hours ago. The next few days will be an interesting balance--what can I do without making my body too incapacitated?

We have a good working plan, of when I'll go along (to watch, really), and when I'll go back to the hotel to rest and recover. Yeah, I feel a little churlish about all the rides I can't do. I'm trying to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. But does anybody ever gracefully accept a profound disability? I don't think so!

But, all that being said, I am grateful to be here. It's a trip so many years in the planning. We kept putting it off, giving my back "time to get better," but it hasn't happened. It is what it is and our daughter is 12. We've pushed the Disney trip back just about as far as we could. No surgery this summer, so, here we are!

One cool thing--I stressed and stressed and stressed about how we'd get from LAX to here. The Disney busses are just that--busses. But, we found a shuttle van and they graciously let me ride in the front seat, where I could recline partially! Phew! What a relief.

It's great to be here with my family. Tonight we're getting awesome pizza from a joint next door and watching a movie. We can see the Disneyland fireworks from our room. How sweet is that?

44 years ago today in Seattle...

A functionally blind, blonde baby girl was born. And that was me! :) Yada yada yada, they fixed my eyes enough to get by, I'm still blonde, and I don't live in Seattle.

Sorry. That was random, as my daughter would say. Too much sugar today! Having a super day, lots of love, lots of fun. Feeling happy and grateful. :) <3

One year

A year ago I was in Arizona, just after my 5th spinal surgery. And it went as well as usual! I was flat on my back for awhile, gushing spinal fluid, horribly sick from the medication they gave me (Zofran is evil; just saying), numb on the left side waist to foot. The trip home on the 4th was...well, I'm sure you can do the math there. After getting home, I had to use a cane for awhile, and only got sicker. After a few days, I figured out I had a migraine, it hit bottom, and I started improving--at least the "sick" part!

But, that was then, this is now. And I'm so glad it's a year later. I do wish I could say, "Hey! The surgery worked! I'm awesome now!" But, at least for now, that's not the case. Despite all the surgeries, physical therapy, weight loss, exercise, and pretty much everything under the sun save sacrificing baby goats to the Spine God, I'm about the same. I can't sit. I can't walk all that far, or stand all that long. My foot is still tingly, though I don't need a cane. It makes life complicated if one wants to actually DO anything or GO anywhere.

The thing is, I do want to do and go. And I do. It's just hard. It's very, very hard. I do the best I can, and in the balance, it's pretty darn good. I just wish it didn't hurt so much, or was so inconvenient. And I'd so love to go have dinner in a restaurant, or go to a proper movie (though our small town having a drive in movie is a blessing straight from God). Or sit in the audience to watch my daughter dance (not stand in the back, leaning against the wall, in pain). I want to drive more than 10 minutes. I'd love to take my daughter to Seattle or the mall, or help my dad around his house. But I can't.

But I do have a life and all I can do is all I can do (Sorry, I'm a bit cliche heavy this morning!). I keep fighting my weight (which, at the moment, is "meh"); I exercise and stretch daily. I ration my energy and pain. I prioritize like a madman and try to make it to the most important things. But it is difficult.

It's difficult for the obvious reasons, but it's also difficult for me interpersonally. I don't fit in with my contemporaries. Most people in their 40s are vigorous. I tend to take things hard. It hurts me awfully to get blown off, or more aptly, blown by as people zoom by me on the superhighway of life. I'd like to be more important than their busy-ness. I'd like to be worked in to the busy-ness! I'm a normal person, with an abnormal life. I can't do what they do. My life is not as wide as theirs is, but it's deep. And their slights cut me deeply. I go the extra mile for my friends. I take time and energy (emotional and physical) to be a good friend. And for some, that doesn't matter and they leave me behind. And it's hard to accept. So, I plod along--me and my spine--and wonder if they see me in the rearview mirror. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Back in the zone!

Woot! Weight lowest since the vacation. So, naturally, today and tomorrow are planned scarb meals.

Figures....

Random philosophical thought

Friendship, like any other living thing, needs attention to survive. If you have a plant, for example, you can't not water it and expect it to survive, let alone thrive.

There you have it. ;)

Oink

Weight is up. Smile is down!

I pushed my luck after the vacation. Man, it's HARD for me to eat scarb free in the summer, with so much going on. Sigh. And really, I know it's true, but I like to forget my body just doesn't metabolize the way it should. I can eat the same # of calories of scarb or scarb free, and with the scarb, I gain, no matter what.

Feeling a bit discouraged about it, but started the day with a protein breakfast and lots of water. Time to knuckle down again and keep my scarb meals down to 3 meals per week--not 3 days per week like I've been doing!

Argh

Back up out of the zone today. :( I have no idea why, as I've only had "off" half a day where I had scarbs over the past week! Let's hope it's just an anomoly.

Not a fan of anomolies.

Good news and good news

Back in the zone today, baby! The zone is 2# on either side of the LIW (last injection weight). I've been cruising, prior to our vacation, at 2# below. Today, I'm nearly 2# above. But not quite. Yeah, I'm steering towards the bottom end of the zone, and hope to be there soon. But, the key here is being back IN the zone. Yay, body! Good job!

VBS is all but done. We're at the halfway mark for the last day. The VBS itself is done, and all that's left is the family program tonight. Well, then there's other stuff for those of us who lead it, like striking the set and a lot of paperwork, thank you notes, thank you gifts, etc. All part of the service, ma'am.

;)

VBS and me

Let's see if this posts. My old computer doesn't like the Blogger tech. But, I'll try. If it won't post, at least it's a good opportunity for me to focus my thoughts.

So, yeah. VBS! This is our eighth year. It was conceived, by me, when Anna was four. Our church is small (as are most churches in my area) and attended mostly by older people. So, when I said to my pastors, I think we should have a VBS and I'd be happy to run it, they embraced it with warmth, enthusiasm, and class.

Eight years later and we're still going. Most of the attendees are from the community, as our church sports a relatively low number of kids. Most of them come, too. The only kid to come to all eight is my kid! There are a couple of kids who've come to seven, which is pretty cool. Our pastors are super gifted and have much ability in the arts, as in, decor, skits, and music. I wish everybody could see it--they're awesome. But, somebody has to run it. That somebody is me.

As you likely know, I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue. So, physically, for me, what's normal to pretty much everybody else, is really hard for me. My daily life is a balancing act: If I do this, I can't do that. I am some sort of savant at prioritizing. I've had to be. So, when something different comes up, there's a physical toll. This is mitigated in part by super good planning, which is my strength.

It's why I can run a VBS. But, being an uber planner is not without its dark side. Like, say, if my plans don't pan out, it doesn't make me happy in my heart. Frankly, I find lame excuses, laziness, and bad decisions intolerable. Poor communication makes me homicidal. The worst of it for me is if somebody drops the ball, especially a ball I don't feel they needed to drop. These are things outside the "S**t Happens" credo, things out of anybody's control--those things I can handle. I'm fairly light on my feet. But, if somebody was supposed to do something (especially if I did the prep and/or legwork) and doesn't do it, I can burn with the fury of 1000 suns.

This...is not a good thing. And I'm working on it--not just in any leadership situations, but in my life. I take it hard when people let me down, in minor or major ways. I take it to heart. I've thought, more than once, If I can do this (with my physical disabilities), why can't they? I feel it as a rejection, not just an irritant. This is made clear to me every year at VBS, as are a lot of things.

I realized this yesterday: VBS is my yearly litmus test. It's not just an opportunity for Christian ministry (and getting to do something with my skill set besides laundry), but an opportunity to test my personal growth. How am I compared to last year? And the results aren't always pretty.

Sure, I do see, for the most part, this year I'm more relaxed than in past years. I realized after the first one, I was allowing VBS to canibalize me. I noticed this year, I'm doing better because, maybe for the first time, I don't feel like I'm running it by burning soulfire (see Dresden Files for further details), at least not as much.

Who am I this year compared to who I was last year? Am I improving? Am I more patient? And I able to focus on the individuals and not just the functioning? Am I missing out on actually taking a few moments and watching my child enjoy herself? That IS why I started this--my child! She can get lost in it for me. And when I realize that, as I have in the past, it hurts me deeply.

How am I? And I a better friend? A better leader? A better mother? A better wife? A better daughter? A better Christian? My orginzational skills aren't at issue here. I can run a tight VBS. I'd throwdown with anyone on that score. But at the end of the day, does that matter? Not really. What matters is people, not projects.

Post vacation weight stat

3.5# above the zone.  :(  No bueno.

Sometimes I have an easy time getting right back on the mostly scarb-free bandwagon after vacation, other times not.  Now's one of those times.  It was out of the frying pan and into the fire as soon as we got back (a few days ago), as one of the biggest things of the year is coming up fast for me: Vacation Bible School.

After that, things look to be slowing down to a more comfortable pace (for my chronic-pain body and mind). 

Still alive and kicking

Sorry I've been absent.  Busy busy busy!  Got on the scale today for the first time in awhile.  I was quite nervous, but overjoyed to see my weight is smack dab on the LIW (last injection weight).  Woot!

I shall endeavor to give a proper update very very soon.

Thanks for your patience!

Rhody, spine, and detox

Well, I was going to write this days ago, but this is one of the busiest times of the year.  Rhody weekend was fun; tiring, but fun.  I ate a lot more than usual over the course of four days.  I was concerned, but I got back on the wagon Monday.  I weighed Wednesday, and was 1.5 pounds below my LIW.  Woot!  Go, body!

Now if only it would cooperate with the pain and fatigue I live with.  Today, I'm whooped.  We did school (finishing up is tiring), then had lunch, and took Maggie to the vet.  Our day isn't even half over.  :(  I'm just grabbing a few minutes on the couch to catch my breath before getting back to it.

We hope to do the drive in tonight.  Last time we went was likewise an exhausting day.  Grrr.  Gotta do something about that!

I haven't lost any more weight over the past three months....however....

The worst "compliment" I've heard in a long time was today at the Rhody Festival Pet Parade.

"I almost didn't recognize you because you look so good!"

Three months

Three months and counting since my HCG last injection on this cycle.  This morning's weight is #1.5 below my LIW.  Nice! 

My plan is still to do a short cycle in last September, leaving six months between cycles, and being done before the holidays.  Then repeat as necessary every six months.

This is, of course, contingent upon my body not freaking out and doing its rapid weight gain thing (ugh).  I am hoping since no surgery is planned, that won't happen.  I am gradually getting a little energy back and every time I realize I won't have to knock it back to zero with a yearly awful major surgery this summer, I smile.  It's still a challenge to live with chronic pain, mind you, but no surgery is only good for me at this point.

Ah, technology you old minx....

Ok, technology is eating my blog!

I searched and strove to try and fix whatever weird settings took away my ability to make line breaks, with no success.  Then I saw something about how one might need an updated browser.  So, I checked and I had the most up to date one on my computer...for Windows XP.

I adore XP!  But it's a losing battle, I'm afraid.  More and more things are incompatible with it, including Blogger.

So, our family computer was out, and I tried logging on on that.  WELL!  Many more bells and whistles on Blogger, including the ability to adjust the elusive line break setting, spell check, and compose in various formats.  Shiny!  It looks like Blogger used to look on my old and trusty machine, before it got all scrunchy when I'd log on to this site....

Ponderous

I have an idea. It’s just an idea, nothing more. But, I’ve been thinking about it for awhile. I’m thinking of going entirely sugar free for a year, and writing a blog/book while I go. I’m not saying nothing containing sugar (like bread or recipes or cured meats), but nothing with sugar as its raison d’etre, as in desserts. Could be interesting. It’d sure make my HCG rounds easier. But, it’d sure make holidays and traveling hellish. Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Funny (but good)

The plan seems to be working. On the weekend (Fri-Sun), I take maybe one meal off per day. Mon-Thurs I'm a paragon of monastic virtue. No scarbs (groan). Last night I had my Friday night scarb meal (yum). This time, I counted calories and was close to my daily goal (a little over). Today, .2 lower than yesterday. Heh. That never happens, but it works for me! Right now I'm 2.5# below my LIW (last injection weight). Sweet! Today's a bonus scarb free day. Tomorrow's Mother's Day. I will neither be counting calories nor scarbs. Deal with it. ;)

Like a ball

Feeling a bit better than I was. Like a rubber ball, I bounce back up. Still super sore, though. And this lame page won't format correctly. I tried everything I know, so I'll probably not blog until I get it sorted out. A big blog of text is way too un-sexy.

Maggie and me

We got Maggie when Mark and I were in our late 20s. We're now in our mid 40s, and Maggie's 15. At that time, Mark worked for Nabisco and was gone 12 hours a day. I had no friends up here and my health was bad. Maggie was my constant companion and the best. dog. ever.

She was 3 when Anna was born and adjusted pretty well to being demoted from ad hoc baby to beloved dog. She used to sleep in Anna's room, coming back out here to watch the house after Anna was asleep (How did she know Anna was asleep?). Mark worked nights at that time (like now), and Maggie took care of us.

She's now, as I said, 15. For being 15, she's doing great. But she's 15 and is showing her age, sort of like Bilbo after he gave up the ring. Her hearing's not great, her sight isn't what it was, and she's stiff and sore. She has a disk problem (like me!). Sometimes, like now, it gets flared up. She doesn't want to give up doing what she loves (like me!), but the fact is, she can't jump into the van anymore without risking hurting her back.

The last week, she's been on the DL. Last Sunday, I stayed home from church 'cause she needed help getting up. She's been worse, but she still needed to take it easy. She's improving; that's the good news. But, she still is required to cut back her activities. I can put my hand on her back and feel heat where the disk is inflamed (again, like me!). That's getting better, but it's still hot.

That long preamble was brought to you by the fact Maggie and I are home while the rest of our family is off on an adventure walk. There's a huge trail up here called the Larry Scott Trail. Mark, Anna, my dad, and our young Lab, Bessie, are on it as we speak. Maggie and I are home, in pain. Today I'm in a lot of pain, both back and knee. I probably wouldn't have tried the 2 miles anyway. Ok, no, I'd not have tried the 2 miles anyway; but today, definitely not. And I feel bad, for both of us.

I'm tired of missing things, of being disabled, of feeling left out. I'm a good sport (or try to be) about encouraging my family to do the things I can't, but it sucks. I'm not like the other people my age. I'm a misfit. I feel superflous to pretty much everybody in my life. Sounds like a self esteem issue, but I don't think that's it. I know this isn't my fault. And I know I leave it all on the field every day. I know there's nothing else I can do that I'm not already doing. And my secret is I know the truth: if most other people tried on my body, they'd keel over saying, "OMG, how can you live like this?" But I get up every day and I pour myself out. And I feel good about that. But, I don't feel good about missing things, about being in pain all the time, about feeling ignored by my friends (not all of them, of course).

I take things hard. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and thus it's easily damaged. I don't trust most people. I don't let most people in. When I do, they have tremendous power to hurt me. It's my kryptonite, I guess. What's my point? I don't know. I guess I'm just blue because I'm old and busted, at home with my old and busted dog while the world spins, flies, and dances around us. Don't mind me, I'm only serious.

Long time, no update

Sorry about that! Well, it's been two months (and change) since I had my last hcg injection. I'm doing great! As of this morning, I'm a pound below the LIW (last injection weight). So far, so good. I'll do a more comprehensive update soon.

Woot!

For some reason (fuzzy math), my weight is the lowest it's been (in some time, mind you).  It's drifted down to 3# below my LIW.  Now, in theory, I'm supposed to eat more to make it go up.  Yeah, that'll happen. 

Alas, it will.  Tomorrow night.  :)

About two months into stabilization

Still holding my own!  Yay!  It seems I can have a couple of meals off per week ("Off" meaning I can have simple carb in them).  Sweet!  Hard to keep it at that level; it wants to creep up.

I take this as a good sign.  The times I've gained weight back have been after surgery, and...the incident.  Still mad at my doctor for pushing me to do that fourth cycle in a year (best let that go, I think).  It was too much.  My body freaked out and literally the day after my last shot I started gaining and didn't stop til I gained most of it back.  :(  Yeah, that sucked.

So these days I'm holding a 60# weight loss.  Totally going for more, but we must be gingerly about these things.  My body doesn't follow regular rules.

Nice!

Weight was down more than enough.  It was even below my LIW (last injection weight)!  Weird, huh?  No complaints here.  I'll take it.

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday.  I think I can "afford" a piece of cake! 

Detoxing

Well, that was fun.  After Easter and two days traveling and hanging out with our peeps, my weight is out of the zone (by half a pound).  And I'm kinda sick--not from the hanging out part, from the eating like a stoat part.

I was prepped for a steak day, but they make me feel awful.  Truly.  And I've noticed two days after scarb ingestion, my weight goes down on its own.  So I'm trying something: doing it without a steak day.  I'm drinking a lot of water and going low calorie/high protein and fiber.  Then tomorrow, if I'm not well back in my zone (which I believe I will be): the dreaded steak day (Feh).  I think all will be well. 

Sure nice to spend two days with our friends.  Good for the soul.

Today we're getting a little house upgrade we've wanted for years uncounted (a new fan--with remote control and light--for our living area).  Makes me do this:  :)

A little annoyed (but fine)

It's been over six weeks of stabilization now.  I've been able to stay in the zone, with but one steak day (not as fun as it sounds).  I have scarbs (simple carbs) a couple of times a week; I plan it for a special occasion.  As my dietarily conscious Sea Monster friend once said, and I paraphrase, I'm not going to waste my scarbs on Rice Krispies. 

Indeed.

So, when I have them, I plan ahead, and it's something special.  The other night, I went light all day.  For me it's more chemistry than calories, but I do watch them.  So, as I was saying, light all day.  Even with the scarbs I had with dinner (one cupcake and half a potato), I was well under my calorie "limit" for the day.

I. GAINED. TWO. POUNDS.  Seriously?  Seriously.  Isn't that annoying?  It really bothers me.  Yeah, so it does go away, but not quickly.  I have to drink a lot of water the next day and have no scarbs at all, or else it's all over.

What's with the water retention, people?  Thoughts?

Holding

Still maintaining.  Actually, nearly two pounds below my LIW today.  I've been SO HUNGRY the last few days.  It's not fun.  What's up with that?

The Day After

The steak day got me comfortably back into the zone.  But, today I've felt residually weak and hungry.  Lame!  So, I think I ate more to compensate for that...but it was all scarb (simple carb) free.

So tomorrow we see what Mr. Scale says.

Steak days suck

Sure, if one could eat steak all day, that'd be ok.  But waiting ALL DAY (especially when one's blood sugar isn't the greatest) to eat...not good.  It's like being sick.  You're weak and feel horrid all day (until the eating part).

So, Sunday, I had my first scarb.  It was a TINY piece of pita bread.  The next day, I was up 2#.  .2 from having to do a steak day.  So, yeah, Monday was Mark's birthday.  Do the math, and today's a steak day.  My system is clearly not as stable as one would like.  I *should* be able to have a little scarb (like a human) and not gain 3#.

Oy.

One day post grad

Yesterday, in the realm of scarbs (simple carbs), I had a little ketchup, one sausage pattie, and Brussels sprouts.  Yes, I know the latter isn't technically scarb, but they're a higher carb veggie and listed as one to not have during stabilization.

How'd it turn out?  GREAT!  My weight is unchanged this morning.  And man, it was awesome to have a little more variety.

I gotta go, but later I'll tell you this recipe I made up yesterday.  Good eats.

Graduation Day

Weight: stable.  So far, so good.  :)

Dusting off my cap and gown

Tomorrow is Graduation Day, the official end of Stabilization for round #6 of my HCG adventure.  Sadly, it's not like graduating from school, where you leave and have your diploma, no matter what.  This is only another step in my dietery evolution.

But, really, so far, so good.  I've stayed within the zone (two pounds above or below my LIW) the whole time.  Once, I was at the very top of the zone, bought a steak (to prepare for the Steak Day), but the next day it was totally back down to my LIW, so the steak went into the freezer.

Today I was half a pound below my LIW.  That always brings a smile to my face, though I'm *trying* not to live and die by the scale.  That's much easier to do when the scale cooperates.

What now?  Well, I've been giving that some thought.  Yes, most all of the weight I've gained back after an HCG cycle has been directly related to having a surgery, but not every time.  The BIG gain-back happened after doing four HCG cycles in a year and pushing my body way too far.  It simply freaked out.  Not doing that again.  Now I'm sneaking up on weight loss, trying to hotwire my system into thinking it's normal, or something like.  Yeah, it's taking longer, but it's totally worth it if it WORKS.

So anyway, sorry about that, got off on a side topic... What now?  I understand my body doesn't process sugar.  And I don't have those Cushingoid symptoms when I'm not on it.  Rather hard to argue with that bit of information.  In a way, it's almost easier just to avoid it entirely--or at least mostly!

I suppose I'll try what I did successfully before, only have scarb (simple carb) a couple of times a week, and then, carefully.  If that works and the weight stays stable and I feel ok, we can go with that.  If not, we'll have to reevaluate the possibility I may need to essentially be a sugar free girl.  I am heartily against artificial sweeteners (nerve toxins--hey, look it up!), so that leaves me with stevia, a plant sweetener that's great in tea and yogurt, and little else.  But would I trade sugar for someday being healthy?  You betcha.

I have suggested to my husband and daughter I might take a full year off of sugar and write a book.  My husband is not so keen on that idea.  But hey, it could happen.  With six cycles of HCG I've been without it a year, just in chunks!  I've missed dozens of party food opportunities, and yep, it sucks.  But we'll see.  One step at a time.  Would be quite elucidating, yeah?

But for now, I graduate.  Again.  And I'm not even planning on having sugar.  The next step for me is adding in trace sugars, like in cured meats and things like...ketchup!  Whoo!  Bring it!  As for sugar, I'm gonna wait 'til Easter and have a piece of my awesome carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.  A little piece. 

Happy graduation to me!

Could have done without that

OW!  There's never a good time to have a back flare up; some times are worse than others, like this week.  So, I'm effectively on the DL right now as we try to prepare for Anna's birthday weekend.  I saw a great healthcare provider yesterday, but even she can't take the place of time needed for my back to heal.

Lame!

Very hard yesterday to not eat for comfort.  I'm still officially on stabilization (for one more week), and it does take willpower to still eat no starch/no carb when I'm in extra pain and worried to boot.  But, I'm doing it, 'cause that's how I roll. 

HCG: The progression

Below my LIW today.  Woot!  Love it!

Last night I organized my HCG notebook.  The last few cycles (I've done six for those of you keeping track at home), I've stuffed my papers in a 3-ring binder.  So, I finally got around to taking it all out, recycling the pages I didn't need, putting it all in order, having the paperwork ready for next time, and generally making it useful and organized.

I didn't study the outcomes too closely because what struck me was how many times I've been at this weight!  I'd lose a bunch, have a surgery, gain a lot back.  Rinse and repeat.  It's not a happy story!  But what is happy, I suppose, is I'm 60# lower than I was when I started.  Yeah, there's been a lot of ups and downs, but I'm not giving up.

I loved the idea of getting it over all at once, but that was an epic fail.  Losing 100# in one year was a bad, expensive, and stupid thing to do (I blame my doctors for that one!).  My body freaked out and gained 70# back in six months, and believe me, I wasn't eating like a horse.  My body just couldn't take it.  My endocrinologist has verified that theory.

So now, we sneak up on it.  Yeah, I'd like to get more done faster.  But, like the hare learned in the tortoise and the hare story, slow and steady wins the race.  I believe I'll get there.  It's just taking awhile longer than I thought it would.  And I'm still 60# down, right?

HCG Stabilization: Hangin' in

Going ok!  My weight drifted up a tiny bit (did not require a steak day), drifted back down.  So far, so good!  10 days 'til my official sanctions--I mean--restrictions are lifted.  Then one spends the rest of one's life trying to see how much carb/calories one can eat and still maintain.

A challenge, to be sure, but I'm up to the job.

Stabilization: Day 6

Going great!  Sitting pretty on my LIW (Last InjectionWeight).  I've done this six times; I'm a professional.

Still waiting for my energy level to get much better.  But, I guess it's to be expected.  Medical weight loss is HARD; it really takes it out of you.  And, being I had my 12th surgery (5th spinal/neurosurgery) a few months ago, I guess I need to be grateful I feel as well as I do!

Still looking forward to summer with great anticipation.  I've said it before, I've had surgery every summerfor seven years in a row--except for one--the one my mom died.  And that DOESN'T count as a "summer off," trust me!

One more thing that I realized about this summer the other day... It takes a person at least a year to really recover from surgery.  More I'd say with my case since I kept doing them.  But I have noticed every time I would hit near a year I'd think, "Wow, I do feel a bit better!"  Then, back to the beginning.  This summer, I can just keep going forward.  No high dive off a cliff. 

Summer!  Fun!  Bring it!!

Stabilization Day 3: Woot!

The first day of stabilization is a honeymoon-type day.  Nothing but food, relief, and hand lotion.  The second day is not.  Your body is trying to stabilize, get rid of the medication, and just deal with things.  I always feel weird.  And when I've weighed on Day 2, it's always upsetting.

Now, of course your weight will shoot up for a few days, before it (ideally) drifts down to your LIW, or within two pounds of it (Over two pounds, you have to do an awful, corrective diet day pronto).  So, I did not weigh yesterday.  Why rain on my parade, right?  Just to be careful, I weighed today.

AND IT'S A FULL POUND BELOW MY LIW!  Wow!  Yay!  Sweet!

First day of food: awesome!

Man, this is great!  I'm so loving food!  And lotion on my hands.  It's all good.  My husband is finishing our dinner (he's grilling steak; I did veggie sides). 

Ok, more fun things I'm looking forward to this surgery-free summer: drive in movies, being able to attend AND enter stuff in the Fair, other various and sundry fun events in my town like the downtown outdoor movie (last year was Empire Strikes Back and Tootsie, which I was sorely pissed to miss both).

Golly, I'd better be careful, I'm sounding like an optimist!

Day 36: Last supper

Tonight I had my last "meh" meal of this round of hcg.  Now that I'm so close, it's super exciting!  The disappointment of not being able to go as long as I wanted is fading as I know I did my best and I get to EAT!  Woot!  I'm just hoping and praying this stabilization goes well.

I'm looking forward to summer--NO SURGERY (Lord willing)!  Yeah, the ones I've had haven't fixed my back, and that sucks.  But we've worked out a tolerable system for getting by and I'm happy in my life.  This summer just seems so full of possibilities to me!

For years untold I've had to have surgery halfway through.  So the first half has been killing, with trying to get SO MUCH done, knowing I wouldn't be able to do much, if anything, for a long while after.  There's always the crush to get VBS done, our school year planned for the next year, and anything remotely "summery" done by early July.  And then it's Misery Fest for the rest of the summer, followed by school starting juxtaposed with physical therapy sessions...it's just not fun.  And I typically have had surgery complications, so add that to the mix=bleh.

But this year (Lord willing), my summer won't be cut off at the pockets!  It's never warm enough to swim here 'til August, and that's when I can't (post back surgery not allowed).  So I have rosy visions of swimming, barbecues, camping, relaxing, going to a baseball game, berry picking, beachcombing... I can't wait!

But let's start in the morning: with a real breakfast!  We'll do that first. 

Day 36: Crawling over the finish line

One more day 'til food!  I'm so happy!  Yeah, five weeks may not sound like a long time, but when you're starving constantly and have all sorts of other side effects (like last night, being unable to sleep because I was shivering despite being wrapped up like a burrito), it's LONG! 

I do worry about stabilization.  Yeah, last time went well, but the other times, not so much.  I have come to the firm conclusion short programs ONLY from here on out.

Hey, I have a bit of voice back today!  Woot! 

Day 35: Party's over, time to go home

Over the weekend, I hit the wall.  My body turned on me and said, "No more!"  I got so weak, it's not even funny.  I hoped it would go away, but it didn't.  So I looked it up and it said sometimes when you get to the end, the body does some sort of adjustment against the hcg (I'm calling it a counterstrike) and it won't work anymore.  So, the only treatment is to stop shots immediately, eat a little more of the very low calorie foods (one more apple per day and a little more protein) and transition to stabilization.

So, while I'm disappointed I only lost 26# (instead of the 35# I was working toward), I am so relieved I get to eat Thursday I could cry.  But that would take too much energy.  And considering it's left me so weak I fell asleep in the tub at 7:00 last night--three times--it's all for the best.

Still no voice at one week.  Lame!  Doing school should be interesting.  Anna and I did it before, we can do it again.  She does the out loud reading, I type instructions.  It's just difficult.

Day 34: flagging

No weight loss yesterday, and no scale today, so...?  Well, traveling turned out to be tougher than I thought.  I was starving and felt weak the entire time.  That and having no voice, let's just say it's good to be home.  :(

If my energy (and definitely) weight loss aren't back online tomorrow when I check, it's time to transition to stabilization.  A body can only take so much before it rebels.  I may have reached that wall.

Day 32: Little boost

Dropped 1.4.  But, before we get too excited, I lost nothing for days leading up to it.  Even so, it means I have impetus to move forward.  One more week 'til LIW (Last Injection Weight).  So, on one's last injection date, that's your WEIGHT.  Then it's three days more of diet (no shots), then you begin stabilization (no sugar or starch, basically) for another several weeks.  One tries to stick within two pounds on either side of the WEIGHT, or the LIW.  Not as easy as it sounds, most of the time.  Last time, it was.  Hoping for a repeat performance.

Day 31: Will I make it?

Still no discernible weight loss.  If this keeps up another day, I'll do an apple day (not as fun as it sounds).  If that doesn't do it, we put a bag over the diet's head.

Yeah, it's kind of sad for me to have to keep putting aside goal after goal of what I hoped to accomplish, but some good things have happened:  my fasting blood sugar has gone from 110 to 85, I've lost 3 inches off of each of the crucial measurement areas, and my clothes fit great now.  So, it is what it is.  I've done my best and I can hold my head high.

Oops

11 days, not 10. 

*^^

The end is in sight

Thank goodness!  I couldn't stand it, so I measured out the number of shots I had left: 7.  So, 10 days 'til food!  It's only ending 5 shots early, and since my weight loss is stalling (which means I'm developing immunity to the meds), I can live with it!

Did I mention 10 days 'til food?

Day 30: Really?

No weight loss today.  Man, I HATE that!  It's so not worth spending a long, hungry day and get no reward.  It's been doubly tough being sick (no comfort food).  It does appear the decision may being made for me, if I've hit the "immunity wall."  I'll give it a few more days, then decide.  So disappointing to be away from my goal.  And more so because this is it for me and weight loss until the next time (which isn't until Oct.).  I don't lose weight on my own, no matter how well I eat.  Yeah, I'm certainly thinner than I was, my clothes bear witness to that.  But, still.  It's not where I wanted to be.

Losing my voice is heartrending for me.  Even though I know in my head it's probably just for a few days, like the last time I lost it.  But after losing it for three solid months--that's a traumatic event I don't like revisiting.

Day 29: Addendum

I emailed my doctor and told her I was getting low on hcg.  She said she could send me more if I wanted, but she recommends just ending when my medication runs out, due in large part to the fact I'm planning on doing another cycle later this year, and, well, it's really hard on the body (and mine's been through the ringer).  While, of course, I want to lose as much as possible, at this point, it's really diminishing returns.  So, if I run out of meds a few days early, I'm going to go with it.  But it's really hard to tell how many "days" are left in the bottle!

So the working plan is to do another short cycle in late September.  Then I'd be off "maintenance" by the holidays--not that I'll go buck wild, mind you.  Ok, Christmas Day only.  :)  I'm rather relieved that this will (assumably) be my last long cycle.  Three weeks of this is MUCH easier to take in every respect.  So I guess I'll just keep staggering out my short cycles, try to avoid surgery, and hope for the best.  Now if my body will just sign on the dotted line, we'll really have something.

Day 29: evil cold

Now it's sunk into my voice.  I'm so not into that.  Feeling less dizzy thus far, which is good, but I'd take dizzy and fatigued over no voice. Really makes me mad 'cause Anna and I are doing a scheduled "vacation week," and I had big plans!  And they did not include us being sick the entire week.

Well, I've reached 23#.  Which, of course, is good, but it's "behind schedule" if I was to make it to the "promised" 35#.  It's annoying to do it all right and not get the full payoff.  But then again, if my body did anything resembling normal, I wouldn't be in this boat.

But it's my boat, however lame and pathetic, and my only choice is to paddle, or not. 

Day 28: Four weeks!

Still sick as a proverbial dog over here.  Lame.  Four weeks.  Hard to believe.  A little less than three weeks until food (maybe less).  22# gone.  My goal was 40#, though frankly, unless there was a miracle, that wouldn't happen.  Now I'm hoping for 35# (what they "promise").  But we'll see how it all turns out.  All I have control over is how I work the program, not how it turns out.

And I'm ok with that.

Day 27: almost 4 weeks?

Wow.  Well, I'm sick for sure.  Ugh.  I might live, but at this point, I can't be too sure.  I'm down .6 today; acceptable.  The doctor increased my meds a wee bit to see if that kicks things up.  Let us hope so!

Today I'm making sure the couch doesn't go anywhere by holding it down. 

Day 26: Going down by the head

I am now quite sure I've acquired Anna's virus--right when she turned the corner!  It's like it left her and walked straight to me.  She's still coughing, but is finally fever-free, eating, and getting around.  I, on the other hand, am glued to the couch, actively feeling the cold symptoms come on.  Feh.

Lost a little weight today.  Still a poor week for total loss.  It's made me think and consider.  It seems I hit the sandbar (sorry about the nautical terms, can't help it, in the blood) at the end of three weeks.  That's happened before.

So I looked up how long one has to take off between sessions when one's done a lot of them: six months.  So, methinks perhaps two short sessions per year instead of one long?  It's less arduous, and the resultant weight loss would be the same.  I could also stagger it to avoid vacation plans, etc.  Could work.

And now, back to my virus, already in progress.

Day 25: sandbar

Feeling discouraged as all get out.  The last week, it's been grinding to a halt, despite me doing "everything right."  I've only lost a pound over the past week, and the last two days, nothing.  I'm wondering if I've come to the end of it?

If so, it blows.  I'm way over even my modified goal.  If I have to wait a year, and only manage maybe 20 per year, I'll be fat forever.  :(

Anna's been sick for days and overall, I'm just feeling low.

Day 24: lame

.2.  Boy, that bums me out!  Could *possibly* be tied to me being up in the middle of the night with my sick kiddo, but it could also be it just sucks.

Day 23: more

Nearly to 20#.  Come on already!  It seems the weight loss is sluggish right now.  Feh.  I did realize, I'll probably be having my final injection in three weeks or a little less.  Wow!  How'd that happen?

Like I said, there's no way I'll make it to my (unrealistic but hope springs eternal) "goal."  :(  Even so, I'll still be lower than I ended up at this time last year (with the short cycle following surgery #240).  And with no surgery to mess things up, I'm hoping for some long term maintenance and health building. 

Go, Team Sandra!  Who's with me?!

Day 23: Ouch, I forgot about that!

I've started having one little side effect I forgot about until it happened: muscle pains.  I was walking out of the store with Anna and said, "Ow!" as I took a step.  I was treated with a searing, but brief, stab of pain in my calf as I stepped.  And this morning, a giant leg pain got me out of bed.

I was rather pleased, actually.  Before you think I'm a nutter (Ok, I know.  More than normally.), it's a sign of fast weight loss.  As I understand it, the fat that "holds up" the muscle recedes too auickly for the muscle to catch up, leaving it vulnerable.  Don't worry, it does catch up!  It just takes a little while.

At last weight check (haven't done it this morning yet), I'm down 19.4.

Day 21: More

Feeling "blah" this afternoon.  I'm sick of the diet and wishing more weight was coming off.  It's unlikely I'll meet my "goal" for this one, though I'll admit to you the goal was not realistic.  I do know all I can do is all I can do, and I'll just have to see how it plays out.

I forgot to mention I am now back in the Decade of X!  If you don't remember, when I started this wacky adventure three years ago, X was the best weight I was able to attain as an adult, though I never did more than touch there before my weight would bounce up like a deranged pong ball.  Sure, two years ago I was lower, quite a bit lower, but that weight lasted literally one day for me as the day after I took my last injection, it began rising and did not stop (Read: FOUR CYCLES IN ONE YEAR IS TOO MUCH!  YOUR BODY WILL NOT LIKE IT AND IT WILL MAKE YOU PAY!).

So, anywayyyyy, Decade of X has been a big thing for me.  It's nice to be back!  I do hope I never see it again, however (from a lower decade looking up, mind you).

But, yeah.  Blah.  Hungry.  Fatigued.  Tired of the diet and dieting and having to do this.  Seems like a hell of a lot of effort to keep ending up at the same place.  But the battle continues....

Day 21: Three weeks!

19#.  Woot!  Today is shot #20.  Halfway there.  I think I can, I think I can....

Day 20: Yay!

Well, the weight came down (phew!).  Total loss=18 1/2 pounds.  Tomorrow is my 20th injection.

Day 19: Well, that sucked

I was up .4 today.  What?  How?  And man, yesterday was not easy.  Everybody was eating great food, and later we went to a concert where there was a spread of desserts after, but did I falter?  No way.  I was a paragon of monastic virtue.

So not fair.

More day 18

Feeling the mid-diet doldrums today.  I'm tired of not eating.  Tonight's my daughter's recital and there's always a great spread of snacks after.    The weight loss is going fine and all, but I'm tired of being hungry and fatigued (more than usual).

I was watching Food Network today and felt like a monk watching Playboy Channel.

Day 18: Love it when this happens

1.2!  Woot!  Yesterday was one dolphin butt serving (Dolphin Butt Italiano) and one (really, really good) uber-lean hamburger patty.  So, the conclusion I've reached about whether it makes a real difference with the gross fish is this: I have no conclusion.

But the research continues.

Day 17: Nearly halfway

Monday will be shot #20.  There are 40 in total.  But one has to skip one shot per week (sadly, not one day of eating nothing per week), and a couple of days per month if one is female.  And one is.

Right now, I'm on schedule to be able to transition to Stabilization (no sugar or starch, but fat is back as is a wider variety of foods) on March 5.

Yesterday's half beef and half dolphin butt netted a .8.  I like .8!  Down #16.5 total.  Woot!

33 days 'til food....

Day 16: Split the difference

.6.  Just .2 more, but that would add up over the next month.  Today's experiment is having one beef meal and one dolphin butt meal.  Yesterday's special of the day was: Dolphin Butt Mexicali. 

Nearly to 16# gone.  Too bad it's the same pounds I've been losing every year.  At least it's nice to be going in the right direction again.

This morning when I pulled the shade and gazed out at the rain and mud I felt optimistic thinking about late spring and summer.  I adore having windows open and wearing shorts.  And by then, I'll be up from the depths of the deep dive and working on healthy eating and healing (no surgery on the docket!) and having a fun summer.  Woot!

Day 15: GRRRR

.4 again.  Darn it!  So, it's back to dolphin butt for the day to see if the larger loss was a fluke.  While I stayed carefully within the calories yesterday, I had the beef and chicken as protein.  Much tastier for me.

Sigh.

Can nothing (except getting fatter) be simple?

Day 14: two weeks

The dolphin butt experiment worked!  Down 1.6.  Couldn't believe it!  So I'm back to my science experiment today, making sure my 500 calorie limit is not exceeded, but eating better tasting protein.

We shall see.

Day 13: epilogue

Had two servings of dolphin butt today.  Hope it pays off.  Two weeks in and I'm so sick of the diet.  But, then I saw a picture of myself from over the holidays and that spurred me on.

Being fat sucks.

Day 13: meh

.4.  So not cool.  It's "supposed" to be more than that.  So today I'm trying two servings of dolphin butt (as much as it will gag me) because the white fish has the lowest fat count of the allowable meats.

I don't have to like it, though.

Day 12: live action blogging

Well, I'm up.  I just spent the last 10 minutes letting pets in and out.  For snicks, I thought I'd do a live action blog for you this morning.  I haven't gone and weighed yet.

I'll go do that...now.

Wait here.

.6.

Meh.

12 pounds total, though.  I'll take it.

Day 12: slow

Is it always this long?  If you know me and have followed my hcg journey before, remind me.  Email me anyway; there's been a disturbing lack of email from my friends this round!  Seems like this time it's taking forever; long, tedious, difficult days.  It feels like I'll never get there and when I look at my Buddha belly, I'm not impressed.

Ok, yeah.  I seemed to have lost about eight pounds of water out of my face, and the clothes that were just thismuch too snug feel great now.  But even so, this is HARD.  I know I'll be happy when I crawl over the finish line (est.) March 5, but right now: not.

Day 11: .2

Really, body?  Are you sure?  Yesterday was rough, too.  I felt weak and starving for a lot of the day.  So today being such a ridiculous showing is discouraging and no mistake.

Stupid HCG diet.  If I didn't have such a lousy back that doesn't tolerate a lot of extra weight well I'd just accept my horrible metabolism and embrace my heaviness.

So, right now I'm kicking a metaphoric rock and bitterly saying, "This sucks!"

Day 10: rolling, rolling, rolling....

11# so far.  Woot!  Yeah, that includes the big water loss at first, but hey, I'll take it!

Day 9: So very hungry

Injection 10 today--1/4 done!  Lost 1.4 over the past two days.  At least it started again!

I think about food all the time.  I'm like my Labradors!

Day 8: It was bound to happen

No weight loss today.  No gain, either.  This has happened before at the end of the first week.  While I was mildly disappointed, I'm trying to focus on the overall weight lost this time, 'cause when the scale doesn't play nice, if I let it, it can start my day off poorly.  Overall, down 9# and that's pretty awesome.

Shot #9, so I'm almost 1/4 done!  Already, right (Heh.  Each day is like 7 in hunger years.)? 

I'm changing my temporary HCG log title to 40 Days and 40 Nights, 'cause that's what I have left, and I'm so amused by Mark pointing that out. 

40 days 'til food.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Day 7: One week

I survived!  Hard to imagine, but true.  The grand tally?  9#!  Most of it is water, of course, and it's been rough.  But I am happy to see it.  Fell down into the next decade of weight.  Nice to see a lower number, and my clothes are feeling a little better again.  My hunger is worse again today, but I will soldier on. 

8 shots, 32 to go.  Ugh.  One day per week one must take off to prevent or slow down immunity.  So it's longer than 40 days by about a week.  Mark was snickering, when I mentioned it's 40 shots, about being tempted for 40 days and 40 nights.  I can appreciate that!  Too bad it's more like 49 days.  Feels like 149.

Day 6: Epilogue

Doing better with both hunger and fatigue.  Still not there yet, but definitely improving.  It's possible it's because I slept weird, and now it feels like my arm needs amputation, that maybe my body's preoccupied?  But let's just hope the corner is turned.

Day 5: Are we done yet?

Less weight off today.  That's not a surprise, as a large weight loss can't continue indefinitely!  Wish it could.  With the amount of suffering involved, I'd think it should!  My face is way thinner; I'll take that for starters.
One doctor I trusted told me a year or so ago I had "slow fluid metabolism."  I think that means I retain a lot of water.  I believe it.  All in my face.  I can only blame my round Scandinavian face so far.

Still hungry and fatigued.  I'm trying a small trip out today with my family.  Anna has a group violin lesson, so I'll ride along and see how I tolerate it.  I get very annoyed when I try and do something small, like tidy a room or do the dishes and I feel like collapsing in a heap.  Lame.

That had better change and I mean stat.  My doctor isn't much help with that kind of stuff.  I don't even ask her anymore because all she'll do is try and sell me nine million dollars worth of supplements that won't make me feel better and will probably make me feel worse.  The former HCG doc did a much better job with juggling foods, etc, to help with the symptoms.  But, being he retired, and this is my sixth cycle, I can pretty much manage this myself.  I don't remember being THIS fatigued, though.  Ugh.

Oh, the cake story.  Mark and Anna had cake the other day.  My idea, not theirs.  We tend to eat less strictly on Friday nights, and I'm not up to making a quality dessert yet, so I suggested he bring something from the store.  It wasn't as bad as some things because it didn't have a scent.  Food cooking smells are tough.

I'm attempting to live my life as normally as possible, but it's hard.  I'm starving and I'm super weak.  Mark got caught up on my blog updates this morning and when I woke up he said he wanted me to quit.  I think he was being somewhat facetious, but my answer was, "You haven't noticed?" (how hard it is).  :/  Onward and upward.  Six shots down, only 33 to go.

Day 6: Potassium!

I read something in a HCG book a friend gave me awhile back: my weakness and dizziness is probably caused by the loss of potassium in dumping so much water so fast.  Finally, something that makes sense!  Not that it helps me right now, as I don't have any potassium supplements and I'm loathe to buy a whole bottle when I'll probably feel better on my own soon... But if I don't, next time I'm in town (Tuesday), I'll pick some up.

So, almost a week.  I think my energy level is sliding up a wee bit every day.  It's still too low, even for me, but at least it's not getting worse, yes?  My trip out yesterday was extremely fatiguing, and I didn't even have to drive!  But, as I said, I'm not needed for mommy chauffeur duty until Tuesday, so maybe by then...?

My husband picked up some more of my favorite HCG Diet foods at the store last night, so that does help a little.  If I can avoid the 3 ounces of dolphin butt, that's all good. 

Day 4: Oy

So hungry.  Shrink, stomach, shrink!

Down 6.4# so far.  Surely it's mostly if not all water.  But even so, that's cool.  I made it 'til regular bedtime last night, so I guess that's indicative of some energy coming back.  I do feel like I'm getting over a nasty virus, though, still weak and fatigued.  And headachy.

Gotta go start school.  Tell ya about the cake later.

Day 3: epilogue

I know I'll live through this; I have before.  One thing I also know: this quick weight loss that mitigates the misery won't continue.  It's always followed a set pattern: lose a bunch then hit a wall.  Hate the wall.  Each day feels lke a thousand years of food-deprived torture, so when one hits a day (or more) where you lose nothing (or even gain--gasp), it's tough to take.  But, we're not there yet.

So Costco fish is way better than Safeway fish.  In the past, I've gotten bags of frozen Costco tilapia.  Yum!  I got one on sale of frozen Safeway tilapia.  Yuck!  It tastes...gamey.  No, that's not right.  It tastes...fishy.  But like gross fish.  More like dolphin butt.  Yucky tasting food doesn't help.

Tomorrow I'm pulling out my old standby: mockos.  Mark and Anna are having tacos, normal ones.  I'm having some 96% lean beef cooked in water and nestled in lettuce leaves: hence, mock tacos.  Mockos!

I still feel a bit weak, but it's better than it was.  The feeling of having a fever went away.  Now I feel like I'm getting over one!  This too shall pass.

Day 3: Medical weight loss is not for whimps

You mean there's people who can watch what they eat, exercise, and...lose weight?  I wish I were one of them!  This diet is not for those who can.  Trust.  Me.

This morning I felt like I had a fever.  I was weak, dizzy, and like I was made of over-cooked spaghetti.  Not fun.  I do feel a little better now.

And I have lost weight.  I don't feel particularly gleeful over it because at this point in any weight loss, it's just water.  But, if you want to know, 4.5#.

Day 2: Better in the afternoon

Yep, doing some better.  I have a little more energy (a very little more), and I doubt anyone will suggest I be tested for rabies today.

I'm still quite lethargic and hungry, and still have a bit of a headache.  But overall, I'd say there's improvement.  I didn't fall asleep during school, which is a plus!

Food smells drive me insane, however.  That's not fun.  I hate being hungry.  :(

Day 2: The Pain

Wow, does this suck!  I need to go back and read the beginnings of the other cycles.  Save the first one, I don't remember this level of misery!  But, to be honest, I have been strapping on the feed bag for some time now.

After years of monastic discipline being rewarded with totally inexplicable and unfair weight gain, I guess I got tired of it.  And when I gained my typical 20 pounds in two months after my surgery followed immediately by the holidays, in a way, I sort of said, "Screw it."  I LIKED eating what I wanted!  It was nice.

But, that's over now and here we are again.  And it sucks.  Yesterday was awful.  It didn't start out too bad.  Sure, I felt hungry, but not all that bad.  Then, around 10:00, the bad started.  I suddenly felt weak and dizzy, so I ate my breakfast apple.

Then, the hunger really didn't stop all that much, nor did the weakness.  Then the headache started, followed by the crappy mood.  I should have been locked in my kennel for snarling.  I even fell asleep on the couch during the middle of school.  After we got home from dance, I couldn't stay awake.  I finally got into bed at 8 and that was it.  I slept until 5:30.

This morning, so far, I'm marginally better.  I'm treating this transitional period as being sick, 'cause baby, I'm not well!  I know this will pass.  But right now, time moves all too slowly. 

Today should be better, we have less to do today, which is a very good thing.

I hate the first day

You can remember something in your head, but it still ends up being worse than you thought it would be.  I feel awful.  The first couple of days are the worst: all pain, no payoff.

Day 1: The worst day

The first few days SUCK.  You're starving, you feel weird, and instead of losing weight, you start out fatter because of the forced feeding of loading days.

My goal is to try and have as normal routine as possible.  Sounds good right now, but it's only 6:30 a.m. of day 1.

It's a long road, people, let's get to it.

At the edge, ready to jump

Boy, these loading days have gone by all too soon.  Tomorrow I start the starving.  Not fun!  I'm trying to remind myself eating isn't the most important thing in my life, and I can sure do most of everything I do anyway.  But even so, it's not an easy process, both physically and mentally.

But, I'm waddling.  In six weeks, I won't be.  Eyes on the prize.

Loading day 2

Well, loading day 1 wasn't what we'd hoped.  I felt sick most of the day, which is a buzz kill for eating.  I don't know if it was just the shot, or what I ate (I was sooo careful!), or what.  But, strapping on the feed bag wasn't really happening.

Today is my second and final loading day.  Then it's all pain, all the time.  But, being right now I feel like fat Puss in Boots (Shrek 4), I need to do this.

Wish me luck today!  I have a long one and loading will be difficult--especially if I continue to feel nauseated.

Loading Day 1

Well, it's here!  This morning, I got on the scale.  That wasn't fun.  But at least I've faced it and it's over.  I measured yesterday.  Likewise, not fun.  What will be fun is eating during the next two days.  I'm taking the sum total of my knowledge of doing this diet five times before, and applying it to this time.

One thing is not to make the mistake of loading on sweet fat.  It needs to be savory fat.  The sweet fat way just made me sick and raised my blood sugar, making the adjustment to the diet itself harder.  Carb crashes are horrid.

So, the first two days are to get a lot of fat circulating in your blood to make the transition easier.  It also makes you gain weight which certainly feels counter productive.  But, going with the savory/good fat method helps that, too.

I'll have more to say later.  It's early yet and my brain is not quite firing on all eight.

Tomorrow...is only a day away

First shot tomorrow!  I'm both excited and scared.  It's miserable, fella.  Anybody who says the HCG diet isn't hellish is LYING.  Or, they're cheating on it.

Even so, I do take comfort into knowing I'll be smaller in a week.  That's something.

More fun

Ok, so nearly 12 years ago, when I had Anna, they discovered I had endometriosis.  At the time, I thought, "So?  Get in line."  I had so many other health problems, I never thought this would actually...matter.  Well, its number has come up.

I've been having pain for awhile.  Feels like sharp stomach pains.  A lot.  I thought it was just another weird me thing that would go away.  Eventually I had it checked out (that was fun) and they said they had to do more checking.  So that's on deck for Monday.  I can...hardly wait.

Of course I was worried it'd mess up the hcg, so I'm pushing that back a day, so it won't.  I just hope they don't have to DO anything else after this.  Hey yeah.  Maybe it'll just go away!  Am I right?

HCG countdown

One week 'til I start The Diet (from hell).  This pending weekend I do the two days of loading.  That's the best part, but it's also tough because you eat like a stevedore for two days, then starve.  Ugh.  I take comfort in the fact I'll be going on Stabilization next month.  Yeah, the last day of the month, but still.  It's a mental thing for me.

Happy New Year!