HCG Prep

This will be my sixth round; I'd say that qualifies me as an expert. Along the way, I've learned a few things (firstly, not to do four rounds in a year). I'll start in about two weeks. This time I am again doing a long cycle (cringe, groan, wail). But I'm only doing one a year now, and I'm NOT having surgery in 2013 (Hear me, universe?) to mess it up.

So for now, I'm doing a few things to make it easier over the long winter.

• I'm drinking a lot of water.
• I'm taking vitamins.
• I'm using a lot of lotion now. One of the awful side effects is your hands get so dry, they can split and bleed. Especially in the winter. No fat in the diet, and there's fat in lotion so you can't use it. I'm trying to get my skin plumped up now.
• I'm getting back on the wagon and getting off the scarbs now. The first time, the very first time, I tried the diet I had to abort the mission and try again in a month. The carb crash was too severe. The full week up to my diet I'll go all but scarb free (but normal portions).
• I'm getting my paperwork together and making my shopping list. Costco is VERY helpful if one is going to do HCG. Bless them, they have individually frozen chicken breast and white fish portions in just the right ounces. They also have bulk asparagus and BIG boxes of apples. Saves money and hassle.
• I'm stocking up on holiday flavored teas (Celestial Seasonings). I know, it's pathetic and sad, but having specially flavored tea HELPS, especially as I drink about 10 cups a day of tea when I'm on the program.

So, when the time comes, I should be as ready as I can be.  There you have it!  Sandra's guide to HCG prep.  Suitable for framing.

The show must go on, I guess

I had to sing today.  Ok, I had to attempt and/or pretend to sing today.  My mermaid friend asked me to fill in leading hymns as she's off in Atlantis for awhile.  Touchy timing for me since I just got The News but a few days ago.

Really, I've never leaned into the mic to lead hymns anyway.  Still, it's a raw nerve for me.  I've had more than enough experience in leading music, however, and I'm sure nobody knew I couldn't sing worth a damn.  I get to a certain note and Game Over.

I am going to cowboy up and call that voice teacher I know.  Part of me is afraid that she'll say, "Eh, no.  Sorry.  You're done."  But there's only one way to find out, right?

Less

As the year winds down and the new one is rounding third and headed for home, like many people, I find myself thinking over my life: what’s working, what’s not, what happened over the last year, what may happen next year.

I’m a resolution maker. I do it every year, except I call it an Action Plan. While they’re pretty cool, and I often achieve at least some of what I hope, there’s always things I can’t achieve; things that are out of my control.

With that in mind, this year, I’m taking a different tack. What I find myself wanting, more than anything else, is less. Less fat, less debt, less junk, less conflict (both within and without). Just…less.

That’s what I’m going to focus on this year, not a specific course of hoops I must jump through; just a general direction where I’d like to wind up.

And the beauty part of it is? The less I have, the more I’ll gain. With less distraction and hassle, I’ll have more time and space for the things I truly care about.

So for this year, I intend to live the motto: less is more. I wish you less in the year to come.

My medical day

Well, in a nutshell: it wasn't fun.  As I discovered, MRIs are better in Arizona. It'd been awhile since I had one in a "regular" hospital, and I didn't like it.  There's a certain smell.  It's part rubbing alcohol, part something else, wish I knew.  But whenever I smell it, I have a visceral reaction born of too many hospital stays and bad experiences.  There was a lot of that smell yesterday.

And, they were late.  Very late.  My family dropped me off, with the plan of meeting me at my next appointment (with the ENT) upstairs.  The radiology folks were nice, but they didn't let me have my book while waiting (once I finally got back there and in the ill fitting scrubs) and they made me sit up a lot.  And do keep in mind, I woke up with a cold virus on Christmas, so I'm already not at my best.

Anyway, they got to me when they could.  I was fretting at this point because they were SO late I was in danger of being late for my next appointment upstairs (I had scheduled it with a LOT of time between).  And then, they injected me with the sludge (they call it contrast) for the second half of the MRI.  Ugh.

Eventually I was done.  They did call up and tell my ENT I'd be late.  I found my family upstairs and we waited awhile to get with my ENT.  I got back there and met with the very fun and cunning voice therapist who got up to speed on my last year.

And then the hell started.

Having a scope pushed through my nose and down my throat (those who know me likely know of my gagging prowess).  My sinuses are a bit swollen, and they're small to begin with (my jolly ENT commented on how that's gotta hurt--aye, a lot).  And I gagged.  I gagged a lot.  I tried to fight back the panic reaction of having a tube down my throat, but it wasn't easy.  Tears streamed down my face.  I did my best; we got through it.  They are very nice and I like them a lot.

But the news is not good.  It's not good in the way it kept me up last night: they say the damage to my left vocal cord is permanent.  I got to see it on "tv" and watch how it just doesn't do its job all the way.  I said, hopefully, "It's like a muscle, right?  I can build it up?"  They said, sadly, "No, it's a nerve."  They showed me how when I sing lower notes, it works fine, but it's the higher notes, the cords just don't do it all the way.  It's not a pretty sight.  I told them I wanted to work with a singing coach I knew and they said that'd be good. 

He also said he could do surgery.  They'd cut throough my neck (my thyroid cartilage) and put a little block there and it might, MIGHT fix it.  Maybe.  Eh...pass.  I just can't see it.

I left feeling dejected, sore, sick from the cold and the sludge.  I tried to tell myself--and anyone listening--how the doctors don't know everything, that they could be wrong, and maybe I'll be able to sing "the same" again.  I sort of believed it, too.

Until the middle of the night, when I couldn't sleep, and stared out the window mourning the very real possibility I have to give up on something else I really care about.

Happy Holidays!

I hope you're enjoying them, wherever you are and whatever you do.  This Christmas, I woke up with a cold!  Clearly, that's not what one hopes to find in their stocking.  Even so, our holidays have been very nice.

Today we head to Seattle (colds and all) for me to have two medical appointments, one with the throat guy to see if my vocal cord is still partially paralyzed, or not (yeah, they said I could come with the cold!) and another MRI on my back.  Whee!

A couple of weeks ago, I saw the Superdoc.  She conclusively ruled out Cushing's as a root cause of my weird health issues.  She said I do have higher than normal cortisol, but so does everybody in chronic pain.  I asked her why I had so many symptoms on the Cushing's checklist and she said they're not exclusive to Cushing's. 

What I learned from Superdoc:

• I don't have Cushing's.
• They don't know what I do have.
• Some people, like me, they can neither figure out nor treat
• That fact sucks for both me, and them.  ;)

She said, ultimately, it's better to stay heavy than to lose a lot and gain it back (plus more).  She had a suggestion of a medication I could try, but it would have temporary results (if any), for both the pain and the weight.  Not super interested in that, as it has both side effects and is temporary. 

Her final and best advice: eat as healthy as I can, exercise as best I can with the spinal and pain issues, and hope for the best.

I've been asked, "Well, what are you doing to do now?"  I had to sit with it for awhile.  It was kind of disappointing (not that I wanted Cushing's, but I wanted a diagnosis and a plan).  I'm back where I started, weird health problems, too much weight, and a lot of pain; all dressed up and nowhere to go.

But, I do have a plan, of sorts.  I'm going to do one long session of the hcg (yes, again).  I'm hoping with NOT having surgery, I won't trip off another rapid weight gain cycle.  Yeah, the long sessions are hard, but I may be able to lose 30# (again, same pounds).  So, one deep dive, then I want to lie on the beach for awhile.  No surgery.  No invasive tests or treatments.  Just focus on good health and let surgery free time (I've had 10 surgeries in 11 years) do its work, both physically and emotionally.

That's my plan.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we go to the big city for my Cushing's evaluation.  Frankly, I'm expecting another dead end, despite what seems to be obvious to me when I fill out the symptom checklist from the doctor.  It's something, that's for sure, but what?  I don't test typical anything on tests, ever. 

On the plus side of the dreaded doctor visit, we're meeting friends for a visit and seeing the King Tut exhibit.  It's a lot to ask of my body, but totally worth it.  I'll be a quivering mass of pain Thursday, but a happy one.

Could have done without that

Our truck, which Mark drives, and we've only had a couple of years (and we took good care of) had a sudden, catastrophic illness and has been sent home to die (no warning blown headgasket).  The multiple levels of badness, I can't even express to you.  The big ones are money and time.  Mostly money.

We don't have it in our budget to replace a vehicle.  Especially one we only bought a couple of years ago.  Yeah, it's not a new vehicle, but still: this sucks.

And we live rurally.  We need two vehicles.  Mark's and Anna's schedules often are at odds.  And he works nights.  Like I can leave my sleeping little girl and go pick him up at midnight?  Nothing about that works for us, including my spine.

A friend's mom has loaned us her car, but we need to get that back to her stat.  We really use a truck, with dogs, firewood, dump trips, lawn mowing, the furniture business, etc.

We're going to get another opinion, but even so.  This problem is made up of the two things we lack: money, and time.  And speaking of time, the timing of this unforeseen issue SUCKS.

So, I was up at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday worrying about it.  I'm trying not to.  But it's not helping.

T Minus One Month

Well, it's about a month 'til I start my next round of hcg dieting.  Fun!  Last year, I did a short session (3 weeks, plus stabilization of 3 weeks).  So, yeah, six weeks.  This time, I'm doing the full monty: 7+ weeks plus 3 weeks stabilization).  Yep, 10-11 weeks.  Not as fun, but bigger results.

The holidays are not being kind to my waistline.  Ah, well.  In for a penny....