Thinking of taking a break

...from the blog. I'm not doing the hcg program now, and I'm not sure how interesting my random stuff is to anybody right now. I like other people's random stuff, but my own seems tedious.

If you have an opinion on that, let me know! Thanks. :)

That's just mean

Remember how I was going to go no dairy for a week and see how it went? But then my schedule got messed up and then I forgot about it?

Well, my throat care person has suggested I try it (temporarily). It makes me very sad to not have cream in my tea or my beloved Greek Gods yogurt. Those are low carb things that make my tummy happy.

Gotta do it, though. If it helps, it will be well worth the sacrifice. I think I eat too much yogurt and cheese anyway.

Acceptance

I decided a couple of days ago I needed to stop just fretting about my lack of voice and its impact on Anna's and my school, and start figuring out what we're going to do about it. At first, it felt impossible.

But then, as the acceptance made itself comfortable, some ideas came to mind. On some of the things I normally read aloud, she can! Some things, we just won't do, and will try to catch up later. Some other things, Mark can do. And yet some other things, I'll type out (they have to be short, though). Pretty much every year we've done school, I've had surgery, or some other earth shaking thing has happened; and we've always gotten by.

Yes, I was happy this year my surgery was earlier, and that we apparently had no obstacles in our way this time (I do weary of playing catch-up). But, apparently, this is ours for now.

People tell me, Oh, don't sweat it! It's always easy to say when it's not you. My favorite sports (and life) axiom is this: It's only a "minor" groin pull when it's somebody else.

I know we'll get through. I also know I won't necessarily be fat my whole life. But these challenges are difficult. Today, at my first physical therapy appointment (replete with Anna's computer to "talk" for me), she asked if I was still doing the HCG program. I had to tell her that I did more since I left physical therapy in January, but the last cycle failed, and I'm not doing it right now. Did I imagine a slight look of disapproval? Or is it my own fragile self image telling me, You failed again, Sandra....Well then. Enough musing.

Since the appointment, I've felt a little queasy. I remember that from sessions past, too. Weird. I think it's the massage, releasing toxins. It probably released some trapped anesthetic or something rogue into my blood stream. Or maybe it's just fatigue and pain manifesting from the past two busy days.

Yesterday we saw the ENT who looked at my cords again. The good news is, there's nothing structurally wrong with them. The bad news is, they're swollen and red. I had an acupuncture appointment, and think there's some improvement. I'm going for that again soon. Even the ENT said, "Why not?" At this point, I'm not ruling out anything. While this is frustrating, at least there's every reason to believe it's not permanent. It just feels like it.

Mark and Anna are at a medieval horse pageant. I'm a little sad I can't be there. But, we'll have fun together when they get home. Best focus on that.

I sure hope my voice is back "in time" to start school. But if it's not, we'll go forward nonetheless.

I just hope I don't get fatter

I can be "happy" if I can stay in my current clothes. It sucks enough having to lose the same pounds over again without having to get bigger clothes.

Ideally, when I heal from the surgery I can exercise more, which will help my metabolism.

Leaning toward patience

Between the blog comment and my conversation with my friend Sea Monster, I'm leaning toward working on a healthy maintenance program. It makes sense. My body has been and is going through a lot. I just had spinal surgery, and there's something obviously wrong with having a perpetually inflamed voice box for over two months. Depriving my body of nutrition at this point does seem kind of stupid, when I stop and think about it.

Like I told SM, I think it's a bid on my part to desperately attempt to seize control of my body. I've been gaining weight, the surgery (and the dural tear), my voice...it seems my body is wholly out of my control. And I hate that.

But, given the last cycle didn't work, and it wouldn't stabilize, why would I think doing something harsh to it will beat it into submission? It probably won't. And it might get me into even more metabolic disarray, and ultimately create an even bigger problem in the long term.

So, ok. I'm going to finish the dreadful prednisone (which is making my face swell and gain weight), get through Angel of Death week, and then reassess. I'll weigh and measure and see where I am.

"Going on maintenance" sounds fine, but remember, it hasn't worked, and I've been trying since March. However, while I can't control what the scale does, I can work on reestablishing the best habits and not letting food control me.

Right now, I'll plan on another hcg cycle in January, after I've had time to recover and reestablish the healthier eating patterns. It's not the end of the world if I'm heavier than I'd like to be right now. People who love me don't love me less because my pants say 16 and not 12.

Looking for opinions. Really. As in, email me when you read this.

I'm contemplating my next diet move, and would like opinions. It's been rough, obviously the diet itself, but my metabolism is so bad the doctors don't even know what to do about it. I have gained back a bit from the last cycle. I still fit all my "new" clothes, but they're snug instead of loose (damn it). Not my fault! I followed all my instructions. One theory is I did too many cycles close together. But I have gone six months now between cycles. That's long enough to try again.

One option is to try one more cycle this fall. I'd be done before the holidays, which would be nice. Or, I could wait until after the holidays. OR, I could try really hard to get my weight to just STAY. PUT. That's the chronic problem I've had since the last cycle ended in the spring. My weight shifts radically all the time. If I get it to stay put, I could wait awhile, and do another cycle at some point in the future. I'm not unhappy at this weight, I just want it to quit lurching around.

What do you think?

Rich Mullins "Hard to Get"

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow all I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Not to say all planning is bad

I do have some things I'm determined to do: eat healthfully, exercise, and try to think about good things. My mind tends to grind on negative things, especially things I can't fix, trying to find a way to repair them!

I have a few thorns in my paw that I will attempt to remove. Things that just aren't working. Prayers for that, please, as they involve other humans.

I think the next hcg session is in January. I'll try it one more time. I emailed my doctor, asking her why she thinks the last session was a total failure, and if it's prudent to try one more time. In its favor is it's been so very long since the last one. No more immunity to the hcg.

We shall see. In the meantime, I'll try to be both relaxed and disciplined. To fix what I can, and let free what I can't. Easy, right?

The latest plan

...is to try not to plan so hard. I'm not good at going with the flow. Sure, there's something to be said for being organized. But it shouldn't be at the expensive of having flexibility.

I'm sure for me it's mostly to combat my health issues. I have so little control over them, I look for that sense of security in other ways. But nothing goes according to plan!

I keep trying to plan what my weight will do. It never works. I've gained back some. And I did nothing to "earn" it. So I find myself trying to figure out how to get it off. Well, that never works. The fact is, there's something fundamentally wrong with my metabolism.

I can eat healthy, and should. I can exercise, as best I can, and should. But I can't control the outcome. That's what I need to accept and try to appreciate what gains I do make.

So, my plan is to try not to plan so much. It's difficult with food right now. Mark's not really available (with work and everything else he has to do to keep all the balls in the air while I recover) to cook a strict no carb diet for me. And when a friend bakes me a banana bread, I really don't want to not have any. Not right now.

So maybe doing my best can be enough.

We're home

I'm so happy to be home. Things were simpler in Phoenix, though. Nothing to do but rest. I'm already being pulled mentally by the stuff I want and need to do. It's killing to lay around and watch Anna and Mark try and do everything. Sure, I can do a little, but not a lot for awhile. And I'm wiped out and doubly sore from the travel yesterday. And the day before, I spent the day at the clinic being treated for a severe headache and nausea. So, I'm not my usual self.

I'm a little put out at the universe right now. Mark and I ate the same. He did not gain weight. HOW is that even possible? I did. I have gained close to 30 pounds back in the past three months. My old pattern. I ate too much in Phoenix. Before that, I did not.

Where to go from here? Well, after a settling in period, back on the hard core Protein and Produce diet. Sure, it doesn't make me thin (as it should), but it helps. And I feel good on it. That counts for something.

I need to remind myself, we'll get into a new pattern, a post-op/recovery pattern. We'll work in my physical therapy appointments (if it's like in the past, through the end of the year). The New Normal will form. I WILL get my voice back. Somehow.

We'll move forward.

OMG

No more take out food. Ever.

The more I think about it

...the more I feel good about going very hard core again with the avoiding simple carbs (after we get settled in, of course). I may not lose much weight, but I DO feel better, and my lab values are good. It's the right thing to do.

Right now, though, not. We're here. We can't make our own food. You know. We'll transition when we get home. We need a little time to settle in and a friend promised me a birthday cake. I'm thinking, in theory, a week should be enough to start to settle down and settle in.

I guess I'm going to take that prednisone Rx too. I'll ask Mark to call the spine doctor tomorrow and ask if it's appropriate for me to take those meds when I get home. I doubt there will be contraindications for my back, but who knows. I shudder when I think about my famous prednisone headaches, but I MUST get my voice back. This is beyond ridiculous.

I'm feeling kind of isolated. I've been here awhile now. Today was supposed to be the other surgery, but since it was cancelled, shouldn't I be home by now? And people's lives are continuing. Mine's not. So I'm kind of floating alone in space, feeling lonely and worried about the future.

A few more days

...in the desert before heading home. I'm recovering. It's good to be here and heal up a bit from the spinal fluid leak and surgery, but there's no place like home. My pets and house are in good hands, but even so, I want to be there.

We've been eating too much. Mark has finally convinced me he gains weight easily and quickly as well. It's a nice thing to be on the same page about eating when we get back. Of course he'll be able to continue his buff guy work out routine, while I'll be toddling around the yard for five minutes... But, even so. Produce and protein. Same page. It's good.

I feel like this summer has been a crossroads. We've been working so long towards Mark's graduation and this surgery, and now they've both happened. It's time to start the new road. I don't know when he'll get a teaching job, but he'll at least be subbing. I don't know when I'll recover enough from this surgery to get back to more "normalcy,"--and hopefully better than before, but at least it's done now.

It sucks when I eat healthy I don't lose much weight. But I do know for sure, when I don't eat healthfully, I pack it on like mad. That won't do. So at least I have a plan: eat really healthfully, all the time. I can work on my metabolism with supplements, different types of foods, whatever. There's still hope.

I also feel like it's time to make some changes in my life as a whole. Maybe everybody feels like that when there's a huge event, like surgery and/or graduation. There's just a few things that aren't working, and it's time to accept it and let them go.

I'm 42 now (as of Wednesday). And isn't 42 the ANSWER to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? Best not waste this year.

Doing a little better

My housecall went well. We have a good plan and my spinal fluid leak seems to be healing. The nurse brought me a cake and a birthday card. How can that not make you smile? And some friends sent me cards, and presents for Anna, and it's just...nice.

Doesn't look like we can change our plane, so I guess I'll just stay here another week getting fatter.

When we get home, both Mark and I have agreed to pretty much ban carbs from the house, save one meal a week, our "Family Fun Night," the one night a week we watch a movie with dinner and have a festive meal (like homemade pizza and a dessert). The other nights we're pretty much protein and produce.

Not that that's kept obesity from my door. But we'll work on that. This bump in the road won't keep me down for long. Just a little while.

The joys of surgery

It did not go as planned. What a shocker, huh? I'm currently on flat-bedrest because of leaking spinal fluid.

Too bad that is not a deterrent to stuffing my face. From all the post-surgery fluids, my face looks like a beach ball. Thankfully, I don't have much opportunity to look at myself.

Tonight is chocolate cake for my birthday (Some birthday, huh?!). Screw the carbs. This is an emergency.

A good thought

I had one! In the midst of all the surgery and laryngitis stress, a bright light found me: that this will be over relatively soon. I've been dreading and preparing for this surgery for a long time. Many, many months. It's been hanging over my head.

But now, in just over a week from now (eight days), I'll be home. And I can start to reassemble the pieces with nothing but open road in front of me. I can get back to working in earnest on my metabolism/weight issues (I've been downgraded from a 105# loss to an 80# loss), and building up my back and health--without thinking of the axe hanging over my head, waiting to fall.

And it's a good feeling.

I could run, but I could not hide

Leaving the state was not enough to evade the scale forever. It apprehended me under deep cover in Scottsdale, Arizona. Damn its ingenuity, anyway!

So, the news is not good. I hoped maybe my imagination was working overtime, but it appears my fears were realized: I've gained back every bit I lost on that last lame hcg (huge con game) session, plus a few for good measure. And that's with giving myself five pounds "credit" for the oppressive heat and water retention (my feet look like sausages--and not in a good way).

Well, that sucks.

Little choices

Ok, so I'm not on a diet while I'm here. But I am trying to make good choices as I go along. This morning, I skipped the blueberry muffins in favor of whole grain toast. I'm hoping the cumulative effect will be good. With my psychotic metabolism, maybe I'll only gain 7 pounds, instead of 10.

Sigh....