Three weeks

Three weeks until I leave.  This...is not good.  I have an impossible amount of stuff to do.  The problem is, even when I'm doing the scheduled "fun" stuff, I feel constant pressure and stress.  While we've tried to schedule stuff with our daughter in mind, so her summer is reasonably fun, our stress doesn't help her--or any of us.

What to do about it?

Weight ok

The week of my daughter's dance recital wasn't good as far as low scarbing goes.  One day led to the next and so forth.  While I didn't eat much, it's me we're talking about, and I gained four pounds.  Just that fast.

The good news is the past few days I've been very disciplined and entirely avoided scarbs, and it's almost all gone.  .8 up from X.00.  I'll bet it'd be all gone tomorrow if I wasn't going on an adventure with Anna 'til tomorrow evening.  Oh well, at least it's still coming off.

This surprises me, as my stress level has been high, and it's showing.  My face is cortisol red, my back hurts all the more, and my fatigue level is way too high.  Help, like time, you just can't buy, and I don't have much of either!

My mom used to come up 1-2x per week.  That was awesome.  I get way jealous when people talk about their sisters coming over and either helping with the house, or spending time with their nieces/nephews so the mom can work on the house!  Once and awhile Anna will have a sleepover and I always relish the time to be able to work on the house/chillax, while knowing Anna's happy and in a safe place being well cared for.

The headlong dive off the (surgical) cliff is coming fast and furious.  I need to focus more on the week beforehand I get to spend with Sea Monster and family.  That part makes me smile; it's the rest of the summer that makes me cringe.

No jobs for my husband, either.  I can't believe it looks as if we'll have to have another sucky year of him both working at the sucky store and sucky subbing.  So, no teaching job, and no surgery free summer--again.  This was supposed to be when we reached the finish line!  Ok, last summer we thought that, too.  It gets harder to swallow each time we get a bone crushing dissapointment.  Hard to accept another full year (at least) until we reach our goal--surgery and Safeway free summers!  We're teachers, darn it--we're supposed to have easy and fun summers!  It's wrong on so many levels.

Will it ever happen for us?

Three years

Three years ago today my mom died.  It's hard to believe it's been that long.  I'm very busy today; my daughter has two friends over.  They're outside now and in the quiet I'm feeling sad about my mom.  Busy is better.

Charlene Alice Joslyn

Well, the day started better

Woke up feeling more cheerful, but then it turned out Anna's sore throat and fatigue weren't allergy related.  She has a fever and feels pretty awful.  So we had to cancel our special plans.  Sigh... Now I'm developing a whopper of a headache and my throat's seen better days.

Mark took off to go take care of the errands anyway (We needed some Costco stuff; sadly, there's no Costco in my town), so he'll be gone a few hours.

I was going to weigh this morning before embarking on yet another scarb fest, but I forgot.  Yesterday was hard to go scarb free after the scarby FD/dance weekend, but I managed.  I try sincerely to go scarb free on the days where I *can.*  Not always fun, though.

Well, I'm going to go check on the little one and insist she drink her water (again, not fun).

X!

Well!  What do you think of that?  Today my weight wax X.00.  (Just one more .01 would have been Below, but even so...super!).  Of course I immediately wailed, knowing this weekend is a "weekend off." 

But I'm not changing my plans.  It's stupid and fruitless to live my life for what the scale reads.  Could have just as easily been up through no fault of mine.  And I know it's acceptable, for a special planned event, to ease up on my dietary restrictions.  It's not like I'm going to go berserk (At least, I hope not!).  And, there's recent precidence that I will go back down fairly quickly.

It's ok.  Breathe deeply....

My scale has issues

It's digital, so it sometimes flashes on other weights before committing to a number.  Then if I scoot it a few inches, sometimes it likewise dithers.  Generally, though, it finally picks a number and goes with it.  Like today.  It's the same as yesterday, which is AWESOME 'cause I had that brownie. 

And, even better, it also flashed on the Decade Below X!  Woot!  Sure, it didn't seal the deal, but it was THERE.  I saw it!  Sigh, this weekend will take care of that, though.  It's 13 hours at the State Park where my daughter has her dance recital weekend, and it's Father's Day to boot.  I'll be reasonable, sure, but I'll still not have the carb embargo working.  But, I've been surprised before; maybe it won't be catastrophic.

Hungry

Not a fan of hungry in general, but I'm not gonna eat.  I'm gonna go to bed, in fact. 

I made brownies today, a big batch to cover a thank you gift and Anna's final writing class of the year.  And, I ate one.  Dude, don't judge--homemade dark chocolate mint brownies with chocolate chunks?

You'd have eaten one, too.

Weight back down

Still no Decade Below X, but I'm able to maintain the Pound Above status.  I can live with it.  Back still going rogue, but a reckoning is coming; I see the physical therapist at 1:00.

Well, that was...interesting

So yesterday evening was Anna's violin recital.  Leading up to it was not fun, as for some reason, my body has decided to freak out and add more difficult painful things to my usual painful things; in this case, my legs are uneven, causing my right foot to roll out when I walk (which does *not* feel good, FYI), and one of the joints in my back is also out of whack.  None of my tricks are working to improve the problems.

This fries my clams because, THIS IS THE BUSIEST WEEK OF THE YEAR, and in the words of 20th century prophet, Tommy Boy, "Not now, dammit!"  I've tried so very hard to prepare, pace myself, take care of my body, but...this.  So it was with concern I approached the recital where I would both be very uncomfortable trying to sit/lean, and especially, playing the piano, sitting upright.

The concert was weird.  So few people--half the people there were the kid musicians.  There were about 30 people in this huge Victorian church.  Sigh.  Then, one of four of the "advanced" kids who were to play in the opening group number (It's a solo recital with two group pieces) was late.  So we waited, and started 10 minutes late.  She called, and they were coming (and arrived half an hour late--dude, the parents are a doctor and a teacher, should not they, of all people, be on time to an event?).  Then, Anna was scheduled at the end.  LAME.  I was nervous enough, and got progressively more uncomfortable as the time slowly ticked away.

The whole vibe of the concert was off.  Eventually, we got to our number.  Feeling ok.  Then, I get up on stage, and immediately am discomfited as the HUGE piano is on a TINY pedestal thing.  I've never seen the like.  The main accompanist said, "Oh, move whatever you need to," which was good because for some odd reason, she had a bunch of hymnals stacked on the piano bench.  So, I hand them down.

Then the "dead air seconds" started ticking in my head (I used to be a dj; dead air seconds feel like minutes when they're happening).  This throws me off.  Then, HOW do I get ON the bench?  There was no room to walk and the bench was literally inches from the precipice.  So I try to move the bench, and it starts to dive off.  I grab it with one hand (the music was in my other hand) and gasp, "Help!" quietly to the other pianist who was right there.  She helps.  TICK, TICK, TICK.  Then, I'm blinded.  She has the sun in the form of a lamp on.  I can't see.  She asks, "Do you want this moved or off?"  I say, "Please; I can't see!"  She fumbles with it, get it to turn of.  TICK, TICK, TICK... Several hours have passed by now.  Anna's looking at me pleadingly from several feet away.  So now with the sun off, I have floaters in my eyes.  Awesome.  TICK, TICK, TICK.  I'm now a gray haired great-grandmother.

I finally smile weakly and say, "Ok, I'm good," while trying to look confident, and we start.  It's going fine.  I think, "Ok, good. It's fine."  We have played this so many times.  Then...it happens.  First of all, you should know something odd, which you will find fantastic if you're a musician... I've been a  musician for 35 years.  I've accompanied people for oh, 27 of those?  And I've NEVER had a major screw up in a performance.  And I mean never.  It's been a source of amusement and marvel for my musician husband and I.  It's unheard of.  I figured, in this ONE area of life, I was charmed.

Ok, so the ONE person, more than any other, I'd NOT want to disappoint and/or embarrass (my daughter) is the person I finally do an Icarus for.  I LOST MY PLACE.  And it's not that I half-assed it or anything like that.  I just forgot a repeat.  And this song SUCKS for accompanying.  With my back, I only play once a year now (for Anna's spring recital).  It is not a piece I can fudge.  It's a myriad of accidentals (notes not in the key we're in), weird chords, etc.  And it's five minutes long.  Felt like five years long.

Blessedly, Anna has been trained by us (and her teacher) to keep going, no matter what.  So she did.  After I realized (TICK, TICK, TICK) I'd not be able to find where I was looking at my lines, I looked at hers until I found where she was.  And so I did.  But it took about 20 years off my life.  My husband said it really wasn't long, but it felt like it to Anna and me.  I finished strong.  I don't think Anna and I did the usual bow.  Somehow, I ended back at my seat, wanting nothing more than to leave and imbibe alcohol.

But, I knew it wasn't really about me; it was about her and her night.  So I tried to laugh it off (after I apologized to her).  Of course she was the angel she is and wasn't mad at me.  My husband said he was relieved it finally happened (my blowing it).  He said it's nice to see that I am human, after all, that it's hard to live up to me sometimes.

But, I felt like crap.  The night was a disappointment.  While three lovely friends were there (a family from church), a few special people who promised Anna they'd be there were not (and didn't tell us).  She kept looking at the door all night.  She was at the end of the program, so she kept hoping they'd arrive late.  But, not.  So it was not a red letter night for the Tallaricos.

Now, back to why you're probably here--my diet (heh).  I had planned to have scarb at the reception, and at our traditional family trip to ice cream at the vaunted Elevated Ice Cream in town.  But, as you know, I made a change some time ago where I don't eat when I'm upset.  So I told Mark I wasn't going to have any scarb (simple carb).  He said I should, as it was planned (and they had a nice table laid out), but I just didn't feel right about it. So I grabbed a bunch of grapes, and later at the ice cream store, had a cup of mint tea.  And that was ok.  I knew eating cookies and ice cream wouldn't be fun under the circumstances (beyond the basic lust).  So I went scarb free, though I *was* hungry.

So I thought maybe I'd be rewarded and get into the Decade Below X today.  But what was my reward?  Nearly a pound gain.  What a day.  Today I'm in more pain, but am able to take it easy.  Tomorrow I see my physical therapist, who will be able to get my spine back in the right place before this weekend pulls it out again.  I feel a little beat up by life, but it's ok.  There's always something to be grateful for.  And I am.

Nice addendum!

Weighed extra early today, and got my previous result (.2 above low low).  Another hour passed, and it was time for my family to get up and at'tem.  I realized I hadn't injected anything, so weighed at my usual time.  .2 BELOW my low low.  Oh so close to the Decade Below X....

Now if my spine would stop its reign of terror, we'd be somewhere.

Back down, just in time to go back up!

Tonight is a scarb night.  Lame!  But, at least I can get back down to my low low, and did (ok, within .2--good enough!).

My back is not doing well with this week, already.  What bothers me the most is the worst is yet to come with the demands I have to put on my spine.  And I don't want to pay the chiropractor when whatever appointment I might have will be immediately undone by a lot of standing, etc.  :(

And so it begins

...the busiest week of the year for us, and that includes Christmas week, fella.  My back is suffering from fear and denial.  It's the last week of school juxtaposed with the dreaded Recital Week.  A full week of rehearsals and recitals; the dance recitals take up an entire weekend.  We're there all day Saturday and all day Sunday.  That's the end of the week.  The time leading up to it includes the rehearsals and the violin recital (ow, my back).

I'm accompanying Anna's recital piece.  Because my back has made sitting prohibitive for me for the last, oh, nearly 10 years (a moment of silence for our fallen), I've lost most of my piano skills.  So learning one piece per year is both painful and frustrating.  My family got me a keyboard for Christmas, so I can practice standing up at the counter (I of course have to sit at an actual piano at the recital venue).  But standing up in one place hurts as well.  But I do it because she's my child. 

My weight isn't quite back down, which is both lame and sad.  It's close.  It's 1.4# above the low low, but I'm thinking that was a chimera.  It's almost back to the cool, maintained low.  I'm sure it will be there or very close tomorrow with another day of monastic discipline and water consumption.  I'm still 3# below my LIW.  This week will undoubtedly contain scarb.  I guess the key is balance and keeping myself from freaking out when the scale does its evil dance.

My summer is essentially over in five and a half weeks.  We have to do everything we're going to do as a family (camping, VBS, doing a few other fun things) before we leave for Kentucky (Sea Monster) and Arizona (surgery).  I'm still grieving it, to be honest.  August will suck.  There's much I will miss, as as summers are beautiful but short here in the Great Pacific Northwest, it'll be a lonely month on the couch and at the physical therapists as my local friends enjoy the weather.  Eye on the prize, Sandra.  If it works, the payoff will be worth all this.  But today, and in August, it's not.

Growling stomach

After last night's over-indulgence at dinner (man, it was good, though!), today I went VERY low cal, @1000.  Ugh.  Hated it! 

I'm hoping I won't get on the scale tomorrow and have the results send me into cardiac arrest.

Loose clothes and big dinner

Sums up the day nicely.  I tried on some clothes and found them loose.  Sweet!  Then, I ate too much dinner (but at least my Easter candy is finally gone).  Planning a VERY low cal day tomorrow.

I was talking about the dinner I was making (homemade burritos) and Mark asked if there'd be salad.  I said something about how I have two salads every single day, had already had a lunch salad, and couldn't I have a night off?  He replied, "You're getting thinner; I'm getting fatter.  You do the math!"

So we had salad.  :)

I'm a slave to lime

...and it's not pretty.  My dad came over for dinner and brought lime pie.  I was planning on being scarb free until tomorrow night (when we have a planned homemade burrito and Three Amigos night).  But, seriously: LIME.  I had a tiny piece.  Even so.

Well, I just did something stupid and glanced at some of the correspondence I received when my mom died.  It's three years ago this month.  My sisters were...not helpful (If you don't know the story, consider yourself lucky).

It's been three years, but I still really miss her.  But duh, of course I do.  She was my mom.  She wasn't easy, but she was my mom.

Still

Still fighting the urge to stress eat.  This time of year is always so difficult with both finishing up our school year and all the rehearsals/recitals.

It's like being pecked to death by ducks.

Movie reviews

Weight down, but not to the LOW low it was a few days ago.  Lame.  Maybe it was just a mirage. 

Last night I was feeling stressed out and REALLY wanted to eat my last bit of Easter candy.  But I made a firm commitment to myself some time ago not to eat when I'm upset.  Anesthetizing myself with food has never been good for me (duh).  I don't want to get on that path again.  So, I did what I've been doing lately: watching movies and having tea!

What's weird is, I'm not much of a movie person, as far as renting and watching.  I love going (thanks, spine, for making that more or less prohibitive), but I tend to get antsy, unless I split them in two.  So anyway, in order to try and combat the stress of this time of year (recital season!), I've been allowing myself more downtime at the end of the day.  It's been a mixed bag.

I've been grabbing movies off the shelf at the Bookmobile.  Here's what I've seen lately:

Remember Me: Fair.  It was interesting and it did give me something to think about.
Black Swan: HATED it. Can't unsee it.  I found it a horribly disturbing, sick, convoluted mess of a movie.
Gladiator: Good!  Very good!  I can't believe we never saw it.  Watched it with my Italian husband.
The Ghost Writer: Pretty darn good.  Exciting!  Ewan McGregor and Pierce Brosnan; what's not to like there?  Recommend.

Correction

I'm up TWO pounds from my recent low, as a result of two pieces of (*&^^ pizza.  Franky, sometimes it sucks to be me.

Annoying

Two days after pizza and my weight is STILL up 1.5#.  That's just not right.

I didn't weigh today

I always take a big leap up when I have scarb.  So, why torture myself?  I'll weigh tomorrow, where it will likely STILL be up.  But, today I'm doing what I need to for my dysfunctional body: no scarb, lots of water.  In a couple of days, if my recent pattern holds true, it'll go away again.

Dude, I'm so hoping to be in the Decade Below X again.  Sweet!

I did it

I ate the pizza (not *all* of it, mind you), and one of my chocolate Easter eggs (I was on stabilization at Easter and couldn't eat my Easter basket candy). 

It was good.

A weird problem

So, now I'm 5# BELOW my LIW!  Who knew?  I finally bit the bullet and just sent an email to my doctor to make sure it's ok.  My biggest concern is stabilization for my next month's trip.  I'll be gone two weeks together; one week I'll be visiting the Sea Monster in Kentucky, followed immediately by a week in Arizona to get my spine...fixed (Yeah, think positive!). 

Were I staying home, I'd not be so concerned, but travel historically has been fraught with weight gain for me, as has surgery.

I'm at X!  Ok, if you don't know what X is, I'll catch you up.  X is the best weight I've had as an adult.  Well, up until last year when I hit a new low (in a good way), but then had a horrific rebound weight gain (not in a good way).  I've been in Decade of X for few months now.  But, for some reason which eludes me, I've been sliding down.

Oh, my other problem is immediate.  My family and I planned to have pizza tonight (good quality stuff, not Totinos).  But now I'm getting cold feet.  My family votes for reason and pizza.  But I'm like a horse with blinders on--all I can see is that magic number that says Decade Below X.

What do you think?  Comment or E me if you've got an opinion for me.  To pizza, or not to pizza.  That is the question (But just so you know, I'm not an arse hat who'd make my family go without.  I can suffer in silence.  Mostly!  ;)

Epilogue:  My doctor just emailed me.  She said being I have a special situation (surgery) coming up, not to sweat it, just to keep doing what I'm doing.

Yay!

Took a few days, but I'm back down to my low (1# above X).  It's .4 above the lowest low, but it's in the same digit.  All told, I'm 4# below my LIW.  Woot!  It can just keep creeping down and down; that's ok with me (if it's ok with my body).

Monastic

After yesterday's carb-ingesting, today I went cold turkey again.  This was not easy, as we spent the evening at our local ice cream parlor at a friend's book release party.  Oy!  Let us hope the scale rewards me for my suffering.  :) 

My back is snarly.  This time of year is brutal in that regard.  It's recital season for my daughter.  So yesterday I was standing for a couple of hours; this evening I was standing for a couple of hours (with no respite).  So my back, as I said...snarly.  Ow. 

It hit me today: it's June.  Which means next month I go to Arizona for my 39065th surgery (5th on my spine).  Will this be the one?  I hope so, because I'm tiring of running headlong over a cliff every summer.

On that cheery note (sorry), let me see if I can upload a cool pic I took of one of my daughter's dance classes at yesterday's rehearsal.  She's why I do everything.