Learning to sing

I'm sad again. But it's ok. Running from sad has never done anybody any favors. And I don't go all Courtney Love when I'm sad, so it's alright.

People have said a lot of dumb things over the past month about my voice. Some have made really stupid, insensitive jokes. But this one acquaintance said something that was unarguably cheeky, but I've been pondering it.

He said, "Maybe God wants you to shut up. Sometimes He's not subtle." When he said that, I quirked my mouth at him and kind of (silently) chuckled. But it's left an impression. And I've thought a lot about it.

Anybody who knows me well knows I always try to turn something crappy into something good. Eventually. It's not that rotten things don't get me down--they do--but I don't stay down. My struggles with infertility led to me writing on that topic for a decade. I received many letters from around the world thanking me for my work, and some crediting my information with conception (Oh, please God, not the next Hitler--I'm just saying...). I've done that about a number of things. I try to put my struggles to good use for other people.

So, I'm trying to seek out a reason for this (Duh, I always do that, and almost never get one.), and if not a reason, something valuable to take away. I've reached a startling conclusion: at least 25% of what springs to my lips is not nice!

Ouch! But it's true. Sure, I'm sardonic and no help for it. But I can also be short tempered and sharp. There's a difference between funny sarcastic and asshole sarcastic. Nature vs. nurture? Indeed. My people are bilingual: impatience and sarcasm. But I think I can do better! I want to do better. Damn, if you knew me 20 years ago, you know I am better. Can I get a witness?

But it's not enough. I feel I'm being called to come up higher. But, why must He ask so much of me all the time? Am I that bad? Life is tiring me out. I'm old...I know I don't look it...

Anyway, I'm trying to learn to temper my temper. I'm hoping and praying when my voice returns I will choose to turn it off when there's something that doesn't need to be said. The work of a lifetime, I'd say.

Eating is not filling the hole, despite my best efforts! I believe this trial will come to an end. I just don't know when. I hope soon; I'm worried about the surgery. The other night I woke up scared. In the dark, all I could do was silently pray, "I'm scared...I'm scared..."

I miss my "normal" life. It's amazing how much better "normal" looks, even when your normal is hard! It's hard to bear this time alone in my silence. I miss talking with my family and friends. I miss talking and sharing. I miss singing.

But for now, I'm learning to sing on the inside.