It's only a day away

Tomorrow! I'm glad forward motion will be happening (that's a weird sentence). Today I picked up my recent cursory labs (blood test results, not canines)--the ones that were supposed to be mailed to me, but weren't.

And, there's a disturbing value. One value is supposed to be between 10-20. Mine's 30. I looked at last year's, it was also high. Has anybody done anything about it? No. But I did look it up, and it can be an indicator of the rabbit I'm chasing down the hole.

I was quite relieved today. The Amazing Wonder Doc's office called to confirm. I told them about my back situation, and they said no worries, they have a couch. Well, that's one problem solved!

Today I looked at a picture taken of me at the beach last spring. I was SO much thinner. It makes me sad. Partly because I haven't earned this fat, and partly because I *am* fat. Ok, well, that won't help. Hopefully tomorrow we start on the road to fixing this.

Tomorrow

I have two doctor visits in Seattle. One was added on just late last afternoon. I feel worn out just thinking about it. But I need to do it. And while we're there, better to extend the day than make a separate trip.

The three doctors I have plans with are specialists in different (hopefully complementary) areas. I just wish it wasn't Christmastime! There's so much going on.

My earlier enthusiasm for another offensive has waned. Now I just want to stay in my house enjoying a cup of tea in front of the fire.

Having a mom or a sister would be nice right about now. I don't like feeling scared.

A small victory

I got my chronological bullet point notes done for the doc. I know there's more, but the body of it's done, so I have time for more pertinent info to surface.

Don't exactly know why, but it feels like a victory. :)

I just told my pal I'm prepared to take this to wherever I need to go to get a diagnosis. So much time has been spent on structural issues (not that there's anything wrong with that, when one can't sit, or write, or...walk, at times, they tend to push to the fore). But maybe the structural are related to the systemic issue; really, they must be, at least indirectly. If it's what I think it could very well be, a cortisol issue, that affects everything.

But, even though it's rough (being in pain while managing a full life, including homeschooling a very bright kiddo), I feel a passion to push through this and get something on paper. I'm off the map with my health, and it's time to get back on.

I'm accessing my inner Viking warrior. Maybe. Skol?

What could be

I find my mind wandering often these days to, What if I do finally get a diagnosis? That would be so awesome (possibly scary, possibly disheartening, but definitely awesome). It's been so many years; possibly my whole life of having something crucially wrong, but never having it taken seriously or identified.

I've stumped many doctors. And not to be rude, but many of those just seemed to have egos too big to handle the fact they couldn't easily find it--so they sent me away. Several would start out very gung ho--Oh, we'll get to the bottom of this! But after a few slow pitches (lab tests, mainly), where nothing overt showed up, they were done with me.

It was easier to believe I had these symptoms (weight issues, among 206 other things) because I clearly MUST be a closet binge eater. Sadly, no. I often wish my weight problems were strictly the result of eating like a stoat. Then it would be within my control to fix it. Hard work and sacrifice is not anathema to me, believe me. If self sacrifice were the cure to my obesity, I'd be thin as a thermometer after the many cycles of HCG--heck, way before that. And many of my symptoms have nothing to do with weight. When I was at my lowest weight last spring, while I felt lighter, and more comfortable in my joints, my other health problems were just as present; I just had smaller pants.

It's not just the weight; it's so many things. Things that my brain and spirit says, Hey, that's not right! Things like being all of 42, and finding it too fatiguing to whisk when making a Thanksgiving dessert. Things like lying down and suddenly shaking. Things like walking along, and suddenly the world turns on its axis. Things like that.

It's time to figure this out. And right now, I'm ready to fight again--you know, in my spare time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey, I only gained .2 this week (from last week's weigh in). That's awesome! Don't laugh. For me, lately, it is.

I know, it's futile to "plan" what my body's going to do, but I could totally eat this way comfortably long term (strict on the weekdays, looser on the weekends). But perhaps my expectations are too low. Let's keep up the good fight 'til I find a canny doctor who can diagnose (and treat?!!!) whatever root problem is wrong.

That'd be something to be thankful for indeed. But regardless, I am thankful. I have a family, friends, a place to live, and other blessings too many to count.

Life is good. It's hard, but it's good. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Disciplined, desperate, or determined?

I just had a tough time making tomorrow's double layer cream cheese pumpkin pie. I had to mix various layers of cream cheese, pudding, and pumpkin. Golly, I wanted to lick the spoon (when I was done, of course).

I didn't, though it was there, I was there...

Am I being silly? I just get back to the fact I'll be eating like a stevedore for the next few days, so I ought to be very careful and strict leading up to it.

But then it gets doubly hard when my other health issues rear their ugly heads (today is back pain and very high fatigue). Sigh. Why's it have to be so complicated?

Will I?

...be able to do the next hcg in January? It's on my mind. I've been planning on it. But, if I am diagnosed with something, it might not be advisable.

I like the speed of which the weight comes off on the hcg. Sure, it sucks awfully. But it's worth it. But, if it makes me sicker, or conflicts with some potential treatment, it may be a no go. :(

On the other hand, if I am diagnosed with something treatable, the weight ought to come off on its own! And without being so hungry it makes me cry.

That's a better option.

Last night was a tough one

Tuesday's probably the toughest day of the week for me, painwise (followed closely by its evil twin, Monday). Monday Anna has three (soon to be two; the art class is short lived) classes. I need to drive a lot. So Tuesday night, when I have to take her to dance, I'm in bad back shape.

I needed to go to the store when in town, and I was dragging. It was so tempting to get something carbalicious! Tuesdays nights are truly brutal. Getting home, eating dinner...ugh (not the dinner part, the pain part). Again, that chocolate is STILL in the house. And I wanted it, precious. I wants it.

But tomorrow is one of the few days a year I strap on the feed bag with psychic impunity, so I'm holding tight.

Sucks, though. :}

Hello Russia and Germany

Thanks for looking at the blog! I am a teeny tiny bit Russian and a bit German. As a friend of mine once said, "You're Scandinavian, Russian, AND German? Remind me to never get into a drinking contest with you." I'd be more scared of getting into an argument with me.

Now you know.

Magnetic force

There's chocolate in the house. And, it's Angel of Death week, so my carb craving is intensified by several orders of magnitude.

While I know that Thursday is coming, I want the chocolate NOW!

I pro'bly won't. Even though my scale is my arch-nemesis, I still like being able to be proud of my actions. Sadly, the outcome doesn't seem to be in my control.

Facebook and scarbs

It turns out my FB has been malfunctioning. I could see what I was posting, and so could Mark. But nobody else. I have no explanation for it. I monkeyed around with the settings (having made no adjustments that I was aware of) and I think I'm back. People still can't see the stuff that's been invisible to them for weeks. Again, I have no explanation other than perhaps it's just an extension of the weirdness that cloaks my life in general. :} It's kind of a relief, really, 'cause I thought I was being shunned--lol.

Made it scarb free today, but it was a tough one. I've been jonesing for chocolate. But I thought ahead to the very near future and feeding frenzy that is Thanksgiving weekend and decided to man up.

Good morning world

Starting the day (and week) feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's so much to do with the holiday, plus the normal stuff. And, Mark is working two doubles (Tuesday and Wednesday) leading into the holiday. And my body just doesn't feel up to the job.

:(

Scarbs...and me

You know I'm a full on dork and have taken to putting smiley stickers on my calendar when I make it a whole day scarb free. Anyway, this month I've done it half the time, which I think is pretty good. It's difficult to manage. Am I thinner? Naw. But I'd like to think I'm healthier.

The 30th is my appointment with Amazing Wonder Doc. I continue to do research on the condition my friend suggested. I think it could be a fit. Naturally, it's one of those things that's not always easy to diagnose with concrete lab results. Figures.

But even if it's not that, I'm hoping and praying for a diagnosis of something we can work on.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Yesterday

I did in fact have chocolate, preplanned, so I felt ok about it, and it WAS damn good and I liked it. :)

Day 3 of scarb free

Tomorrow we're going out, so scarbs will happen. I wish I didn't want them to happen now! I'll be strong, though. It's what I do, right? Grrrr. At least the only candy in the house is Anna's Skittles, which I can take or leave.

I got a note from the UW saying they got my notes and will be in touch if they feel I'm "clinically appropriate" to be seen. That just rubs the the wrong way! I'm really focused on Bellevue Wonder Doc. The UW is my fall back/second opinion option. Still: wrong way.

Today was kind of odd. It started out just fine, with school going smoothly and my back feeling a bit better after some work on it yesterday. Then we dropped Anna off at her writing class en route to doing our major Thanksgiving shopping and--wait for it--the keys were locked in the car. Doh!

Blessedly, our friend was home and available to come take us home, wait for us to get keys, then take us back to our car. Back on the road, finished our shopping just as her class ended. A little hard on my back (the extra car trip), but all things considered, it turned out great! Grateful for the pal dropping everything to help us without so much as a grimace.

Just more to be grateful for on this Thanksgiving week.

?

Do you think a cooler would count as a scarb?

The plot thickens

The potential issue is an adrenal gland thing. This morning I got a call from the doctor's office (the doc I saw last week, who's out of town, so it was her associate's nurse) and they said my creatinine values are off--which they noted are a kidney value.

ADRENALS SIT ON THE KIDNEYS.

Hmmmm. I'm trying desperately not to take 2+2 and get 22, but...well, I kinda am. It could be just my wild desire to have a name for my problem, seeing that Sandra Syndrome doesn't exist (but it should). But we'll see.

Anyway, going for another scarb free day.

Waking up still me, but with a little more hope

I've been thinking an awful lot about my friend's suggestion of what might be wrong with my body. I've looked at countless websites, and so much of it seems to fit. If that's the case (or if ostensible Wonder Doc can find out something else concrete), it would be amazing.

I mean, that would not guarantee a cure. And I'd still have my spine. But it'd be something to work with instead of stumbling around in the dark, knowing there's something there, but nobody can find it (and even feeling most are skeptical when I say I don't eat enough to be this heavy).

It's super hard to be scarb free when doing so isn't overly helpful. But, at least until we get my metabolism sorted out, it's best for me to do that when I can. But it's really, really hard! Did I say that? It's hard to be experiencing a lot of pain and fatigue, and added stress when Mark's both subbing AND rocking it at Safeway. Sometimes a nice bowl of ice cream or perhaps a chocolate bar would make me feel a little better for a little while.

Are you with me? I'm sure we all know that one.

Thought about it. Didn't.

...have a sample cookie, that is. I was hungry, too; that made it harder to pass up. But regardless of it being heinous and unfair, it is what it is. So I passed up the unsanctioned cookie.

Today my friend emailed with an idea about a medical condition that could be causing a lot of my health issues. I looked it up, and there was a lot of symptoms in common with me!

I'm scared of getting my hopes up, but it's exciting to think there's a possibility of putting a name to my metabolic disorder! Two weeks from tomorrow I have the appointment with Wonder Doc in Bellevue.

To think there's at least a chance of food reacting to my body in a normal way? Unreal. And awesome. Thanks for the hope, E.

:)

Woot!

I'm in on the 30th for the pain/metabolic specialist. I'm psyched! The receptionist was nice too. I know, who cares, but I do. After seeing 39607 doctors, the niceties count

Oh yeah, one tiny bit

Last evening, during Anna's dance class, I was wandering around the neighborhood drugstore. I was feeling tired, sore, and quite discouraged about my weight and health in general.

So I ended up on the chocolate aisle. They have GOOD chocolate there. I stared at it for a moment, realizing I'm gaining anyway, no matter how hard I try, no matter how healthy (and how simple-carb free I go), so why not?

I decided not to. Know why? Because I didn't want the chocolate merely because chocolate is damn good and I like it. I wanted it to anesthetize myself. And that cup has no bottom.

So I walked away.

A faint sunbeam of hope

No, I'm still gaining. That's not it.

I just think I may have found a doctor who can help. Somebody I know recommended this doctor in the Seattle area who was FINALLY able to diagnose his wife, after years of weird health problems. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which I have been too, but haven't fully bought that diagnosis for years now.

Turns out while she has those symptoms (in my opinion, fibromyalgia is a wide ranging collection of symptoms rather than one set disease), but she has some obscure blood disorder. Sure, that sucks. And it's not curable. But knowing what she has is huge. It's easier to fight an enemy you can see.

Anyway, I just found that doctor's website and was clicking around and he has a special section on diagnosing metabolic disorders. Can't wait for later so I can call and try to get in! The person told me it took them quite awhile to get in, but one never knows 'til they try. Time will pass anyway. I just hope I can get in before the end of the year.

Things aren't going quite so well on other medical fronts. I'm trying to call and get set up with the pain clinic for my back. I think it's time to try those dreadful, horrible back epidural shots again. But the place requires a referral and I've had no luck getting to even talk to a human at the spine place in Arizona. Grrr. Same deal with the specialty endocrine place at the University of Washington.

Don't they understand I'm on a deadline here? :)

The bottom line

I've gained back half of what I lost. I knew I'd gained, but I didn't think it was that much, that fast. I had been hoping in vain that I had stabilized maybe.

I'll call Seattle today, but what I really want to do is stay in my jammies all day and feel sad. No help for that, though. My responsibilities don't care that I'm ass deep in despair. And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep....

Also

The doctor said she had absolutely no idea what's the matter with me ("I'm stumped.") and said she'd try to think of somebody good to send me to, but she couldn't help me--goodbye and good luck.

No words can truly express this

Remember Decade of X? How great it was to get there after so long? And then to wave goodbye to it, thinking I'd never see it again?

Well it sucks now.

I nearly experienced heart failure when I got on the scale at the doctor's. So what it gets down to is in all the months since my last hcg shot, I've gained 1.5 to 2 pounds per week, no matter how I stuck to it, no matter if I had no sugar whatsoever. Nothing I did mattered.

Again.

Getting up for it

I found an awesome book on the hcg diet at my library. It's not all that long (2nd week in January) until I'm getting back on the horse, I wanted to look to find more information that might help. There were a few bits in there I didn't know (Cherry tomatoes have twice the sugar--naturally, that's all I ate).

My dad offered to take me to Costco to stock up on the diet foods. Very lovely of him especially considering the food is EXPENSIVE.

Golly, I hope this cycle goes back to previous experience, lots of weight, then stabilizing. Sucks to relose weight...again. I'm hoping and praying it will stay off this time.

I'm doing well on the scarb free days, not so well on the days that I have scarb. I need to get out of the mindset of behaving like I'm a prisoner just out on parole. Donno what's up with that. I thought I was "cured" of stress eating. Maybe it's a condition that can only be managed, not cured.

Just me, or do most of us have to watch it?

I take it back!

If you subscribed, unsubscribe! I signed up to see what it was like. I did NOT know it would randomly send out old blog updates. That's just creepy and wrong. Sorry. :(

3 days scarb free

...and it's been rough. My energy level has been virtually nonexistent all week. It's times like this I wish more than ever I had a mom, or a sister, or somebody to come and help me take care of things (kid, house, or even kid at their house so I could rest a bit).

It's tough with Mark both working at the store and subbing. It's not been that long since my surgery. I have a lot of balls to keep in the air and lately I feel at any second, I'll get a concussion.

Two days and counting...

...scarb free, that is. I overate Monday. Sure, most people did. But I overate and overdid.

It's been three months exactly since my surgery. I wish I could say it fixed my back. It did not. After three months, I think if I were going to be able to sit properly, I would be.

So, that stinks. As does my now rapid weight gain. That's quite discouraging. I'm eating healthfully (Monday notwithstanding). I have a doctor appointment next week, but that's generally a dead end for me. I've seen many endocrinologists who have no idea why my endocrine system does what it does or how to fix it.

I'm trying not to dwell on discouragement, but it's tough. I don't want to be as heavy as I was before. I'm finally to the point now where my clothes are getting snug and I noticed more jowl on my face. Yuck.

So right now I'm just trying to keep my chin up (pun intended) and eat healthfully. This might be kind of a "no shit" thing to say, but I sure wish I were healthy.

Yesterday

I went scarb free. That is a good thing! Yesterday was awful. Tell you more later.

Better today, so worry not.