Day 2 of loading is going apace. Wishing this was the diet--eat like a horse, take the injection, and lose weight. If somebody could bottle that, they'd have riches untold.
So I called Chicago to see why I didn't get the last bit of my test results reported to me (the most accurate one). It's because they have not received it. :( Super duper.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty blue about my huge (Jabbaesque) weight. So it was particularly nice to get a phone call from a friend. Nice to be remembered, nice to be encouraged, just nice to hear a friendly voice.
That's always good for me. Being an extrovert, talking to others tends to pull me up when I'm in a funk. It's especially nice to realize there are people who KNOW it's not my fault about the weight. It's hard when I KNOW most people think I'm a compulsive eating girl with no discipline.
Dude, that's so not true. But people encouraged me when I lost the weight. It was nice, and it was hard, because they were encouraging the RESULT, ultimately, and not the effort. And lack of effort is not my issue. But it's what the world sees that they reward. And for me, that's a never ending wound.
They'd not think that if they only knew how much effort pushing this hurting body through every day takes, and how devastating it is to a) not get better or get a diagnosis and b) to be so overweight.
Ok, that was heavy too. Sorry. Hey, man, you chose to read! ;) Anyway. Back to loading day 2, already in progress...
A little blog about Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Loading Day 2
I'm getting in the swing of things a little more. After yesterday's disheartening weigh in, eating, especially eating a lot, was not appealing to me. But, it's growing on me. :)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
First shot fired across the bow
Today is Shot #1/Loading Day #1. While I was dreading the actual injection, this time it went awesome! Here's why: the current doc mixes the brew differently (more concentrated, so less liquid) and uses smaller needles. Ahhhhh. It took about two seconds and didn't hurt, nor did it bleed or leave a bruise.
I'm hoping this is a good omen, which I need right now, because my 6:00 a.m. weigh in and measure was terribly upsetting. My alleged stabilization did not last long, and I've put yet more weight on. Another #10 in about two weeks. How is this possible, you ask? I wish I knew. I wish SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE knew.
Mark and I have both been a bit lax in the last couple of months. The healthy stuff is still there (lots of protein and produce), but more carb has made itself at home. But while I've gained an unholy amount (remember, I was gaining rapidly even when I was eschewing simple carbs all together), he's gained about 3 pounds. That's just how screwed up my metabolism is. He and I are about the same frame size (same height, medium build).
It's just wrong, and horrible, and unfair. I was glad I was up half an hour before everybody else because the despair tsunami was intense and I needed a little while to collect myself. I didn't cry, but I wanted to. Remember the scream Westley utters in Princess Bride when the pain machine is turned up to 50? That was what happened inside my head.
The ugly truth? I've now gained back 70 of the 105 I lost.
I'm hoping this is a good omen, which I need right now, because my 6:00 a.m. weigh in and measure was terribly upsetting. My alleged stabilization did not last long, and I've put yet more weight on. Another #10 in about two weeks. How is this possible, you ask? I wish I knew. I wish SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE knew.
Mark and I have both been a bit lax in the last couple of months. The healthy stuff is still there (lots of protein and produce), but more carb has made itself at home. But while I've gained an unholy amount (remember, I was gaining rapidly even when I was eschewing simple carbs all together), he's gained about 3 pounds. That's just how screwed up my metabolism is. He and I are about the same frame size (same height, medium build).
It's just wrong, and horrible, and unfair. I was glad I was up half an hour before everybody else because the despair tsunami was intense and I needed a little while to collect myself. I didn't cry, but I wanted to. Remember the scream Westley utters in Princess Bride when the pain machine is turned up to 50? That was what happened inside my head.
The ugly truth? I've now gained back 70 of the 105 I lost.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tomorrow!!!
Tomorrow is loading day 1! Today I'm going to practice loading up a syringe (ugh). Can hardly wait! What's nice about this? In a week, I will weigh less.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Oh yeah....
Ironically enough, as I was outside my church today, I glanced across the street and saw my former doc leaving for the last time. I saw him put his kid into a carseat of their car, and his brother (?) put a box into a u-haul and shut the back. Then they left.
I didn't wave or anything. I don't think he saw me. For about a quarter of a second I thought of crossing the street to say goodbye. But I realized I didn't have anything to say that wasn't bitter, disappointed, and sad.
So I let them go. I figure if I can't leave somebody with a blessing, it's better to just keep it to myself. But I'm still sad, bitter, and disappointed. Just feels like another part of my life that's dead-ended. I don't know where I'm going. My seafaring dad would call it a sea change. Yep, that's definitely it. I'm undergoing a sea change. But I don't know where I'm drifting.
I didn't wave or anything. I don't think he saw me. For about a quarter of a second I thought of crossing the street to say goodbye. But I realized I didn't have anything to say that wasn't bitter, disappointed, and sad.
So I let them go. I figure if I can't leave somebody with a blessing, it's better to just keep it to myself. But I'm still sad, bitter, and disappointed. Just feels like another part of my life that's dead-ended. I don't know where I'm going. My seafaring dad would call it a sea change. Yep, that's definitely it. I'm undergoing a sea change. But I don't know where I'm drifting.
Won't be long
Just a few days. I've been overeating, which is dumb. But I'm glad I'm not alone. Today somebody told me, leading up to Lent, that "Every day was Fat Tuesday!" Indeed.
While I wish the *(T^%%% testing hadn't of put this back (I wish I had more time before our trip in early May), I'm glad I'm getting it done. After the holidays and various and sundry things, our diet has gotten a bit more...lax than is usual. Mark's gained a bit as well.
I have a friend who, from time to time, does a vegan diet to reset her eating. While veganism is not a religion I can get into (I loves me my meat and dairy), I really appreciate the concept. I'm trying to view my forced starvation in such a light. It's a time to reset, refocus, and hopefully lose (and keep off) some more weight (again).
I realize I've been a bit blue. I think living where I live is part of it (a very gray part of the world). But I think the biggest part is this latest crash and burn with my health journey. I was so sure I had that cortisol disorder (I still think I do!). I was so sure my time had come and we'd get The Answer (and hopefully The Cure). The fact that we spent more time, money, and misery on all this (dead end) testing, only to end up exactly nowhere (again) just makes me feel blue.
How can I explain to people what my health issue is when it doesn't have a name? I can't even explain it to myself.
While I wish the *(T^%%% testing hadn't of put this back (I wish I had more time before our trip in early May), I'm glad I'm getting it done. After the holidays and various and sundry things, our diet has gotten a bit more...lax than is usual. Mark's gained a bit as well.
I have a friend who, from time to time, does a vegan diet to reset her eating. While veganism is not a religion I can get into (I loves me my meat and dairy), I really appreciate the concept. I'm trying to view my forced starvation in such a light. It's a time to reset, refocus, and hopefully lose (and keep off) some more weight (again).
I realize I've been a bit blue. I think living where I live is part of it (a very gray part of the world). But I think the biggest part is this latest crash and burn with my health journey. I was so sure I had that cortisol disorder (I still think I do!). I was so sure my time had come and we'd get The Answer (and hopefully The Cure). The fact that we spent more time, money, and misery on all this (dead end) testing, only to end up exactly nowhere (again) just makes me feel blue.
How can I explain to people what my health issue is when it doesn't have a name? I can't even explain it to myself.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Countdown clock
Just a few days until I'm back on the horse. Golly, I hope this time works (stabilizes, at least!). The starvation, the bruising and bleeding from the shots...that I can live with. Gaining it back (with malice), that, not so much.
Well, I remember now why I can never seem to find out what's wrong with me: the brick walls I collide with. Seems we're there again, and it sucks. More money, time, and misery spent trying to get to the root cause of my health issues to no avail.
I just saw a recent picture of myself and groaned. The pictures taken just a few months ago on South Padre Island--pretty good! Now--oh, hello big butt--how nice to see you again (not).
So what to do now? Try again, I suppose--at least to get some of the weight off. But it won't be down to where it was last May. And that makes me sad. Is it out of the realm of possibility for me to get healthy? Really? Do I have to accept I have "atypical" fibromyalgia and polycystic ovaries and leave it at that? It just doesn't feel right. It doesn't pass my gut check.
But what else can I do? I just don't know.
Well, I remember now why I can never seem to find out what's wrong with me: the brick walls I collide with. Seems we're there again, and it sucks. More money, time, and misery spent trying to get to the root cause of my health issues to no avail.
I just saw a recent picture of myself and groaned. The pictures taken just a few months ago on South Padre Island--pretty good! Now--oh, hello big butt--how nice to see you again (not).
So what to do now? Try again, I suppose--at least to get some of the weight off. But it won't be down to where it was last May. And that makes me sad. Is it out of the realm of possibility for me to get healthy? Really? Do I have to accept I have "atypical" fibromyalgia and polycystic ovaries and leave it at that? It just doesn't feel right. It doesn't pass my gut check.
But what else can I do? I just don't know.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Waiting....
Several days ago I turned in all my test materials. It's sad to be hoping for a bad diagnosis! But I want a (*&^^&^ diagnosis. There's something that causes my weird metabolic (and other) symptoms. I've had way too many doctors shrug (after making big promises of help) and send me away.
I want to know so I can deal with it--and be less fat!
The hcg is only fighting the effect, not treating the cause.
I want to know so I can deal with it--and be less fat!
The hcg is only fighting the effect, not treating the cause.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Why am I posting so much today?
Donno. A little lonely and out of sorts, I suppose.
T minus one week to hcg diet start. Crikey, I hope this works. It's a bummer that even if it all goes perfectly, I won't be down to my bottom weight. But, I was only that weight one day and no lie.
Today I had an epiphany. I suddenly knew what to do! It all made sense. I'd follow the diet perfectly (as per usual). I'd stabilize. Then I'd follow a low carb, healthy diet to the best of my ability, in large part to prepare for the likely surgery #96,306 in August. But in general just to do the best I can for my fragile health.
The stupid part? That's what I do anyway (not that it seems to help). Now it just seems dumb. But for a minute there, it seemed really clear and effective. Sigh. I *am* out of sorts.
T minus one week to hcg diet start. Crikey, I hope this works. It's a bummer that even if it all goes perfectly, I won't be down to my bottom weight. But, I was only that weight one day and no lie.
Today I had an epiphany. I suddenly knew what to do! It all made sense. I'd follow the diet perfectly (as per usual). I'd stabilize. Then I'd follow a low carb, healthy diet to the best of my ability, in large part to prepare for the likely surgery #96,306 in August. But in general just to do the best I can for my fragile health.
The stupid part? That's what I do anyway (not that it seems to help). Now it just seems dumb. But for a minute there, it seemed really clear and effective. Sigh. I *am* out of sorts.
Leaving for the last time
We went to the same naturopathic medical practice for 10 years. It was sold from one doctor to another, and we really liked and trusted the purchasing doctor, so it was all good. Then, this doc decided to come and go. Once the fill in doc was a bad fit, the last time we liked the fill in, but didn't have tons of faith in her as a good fit for us. But overall, the experience was good.
Then, the owner doc decided not only to not come back, but to close the whole deal. Ok, so I'm resisting the urge to go on a rant about being a trust fund baby who dabbled in medicine as a hobby. Ok, deep breath--enough said.
The bottom line is I went in Friday, picked up our charts and left for the last time. I felt surprisingly bad. The second fill in doc has me set up for my hcg cycle, and should I desire to do another one (the jury's out), we can go see her in Gig Harbor (ugh, not close to where we live).
But as I left, I couldn't figure out *why* I felt so bad. I think it's because we put our faith in them, and they let us down. And that's a sucky feeling. Especially for me, being chronically ill, I tend to need to believe in my healthcare providers. And this one really seemed to care about our family, and oftentimes helped us a lot.
And it leaves a hole. There's no one there to take that place. I don't like being cut loose on my health journey. It does seem lately there's been a lot of cutting loose going on, and I feel like I'm dangling--or floating--and I don't know where I'm going to land.
Then, the owner doc decided not only to not come back, but to close the whole deal. Ok, so I'm resisting the urge to go on a rant about being a trust fund baby who dabbled in medicine as a hobby. Ok, deep breath--enough said.
The bottom line is I went in Friday, picked up our charts and left for the last time. I felt surprisingly bad. The second fill in doc has me set up for my hcg cycle, and should I desire to do another one (the jury's out), we can go see her in Gig Harbor (ugh, not close to where we live).
But as I left, I couldn't figure out *why* I felt so bad. I think it's because we put our faith in them, and they let us down. And that's a sucky feeling. Especially for me, being chronically ill, I tend to need to believe in my healthcare providers. And this one really seemed to care about our family, and oftentimes helped us a lot.
And it leaves a hole. There's no one there to take that place. I don't like being cut loose on my health journey. It does seem lately there's been a lot of cutting loose going on, and I feel like I'm dangling--or floating--and I don't know where I'm going to land.
Well, that was fun
http://hcgdaybyday.blogspot.com/2011/12/good-bad-and-ugly.html#comments
That is to refresh you. I just finished the appeal letter to the hospital. After all that--and him writing to my regular doctor to insult me, we got a bill for $500 that our insurance won't cover. So the hosptial told me to write and appeal.
I did. That was neat. :(
That is to refresh you. I just finished the appeal letter to the hospital. After all that--and him writing to my regular doctor to insult me, we got a bill for $500 that our insurance won't cover. So the hosptial told me to write and appeal.
I did. That was neat. :(
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Don't know when to quit, I guess
Well, I was pondering the pending hcg cycle. Given the weight gain, maybe it's dumb. I hope not! I'm hoping to both stop the continual spiral up and obviously, get some more weight off (again). Ideally, it stays off, and stabilizes as it ought.
My biggest concern is we haven't found the cause of the gain (this time or others). So, it occurred to me we're attacking the effect while investigating the cause.
As I realized this, a quote from one of my favorite movies popped into my head, which I think sums the entire thing up pretty well: "Good heavens! Are you still trying to win?"
My biggest concern is we haven't found the cause of the gain (this time or others). So, it occurred to me we're attacking the effect while investigating the cause.
As I realized this, a quote from one of my favorite movies popped into my head, which I think sums the entire thing up pretty well: "Good heavens! Are you still trying to win?"
Friday, February 17, 2012
Almost done...
...with this round of testing. Now all that's left is mailing in the tubes. Yay! This time in a week I should be loading for the hcg. I got a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror. Oy. Yep, I'm clearly and obviously wider again.
It just...sucks.
It just...sucks.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Testing today
I forgot how fun peeing into a plastic hat is!
I'm just hoping and praying for a conclusive result. This testing cycle is quite annoying involving the pee hat, blood draw, and two midnight chewing on a cotton ball and spitting it into a plastic tube sessions.
What can I say? It hurts to be this sexy.
I'm just hoping and praying for a conclusive result. This testing cycle is quite annoying involving the pee hat, blood draw, and two midnight chewing on a cotton ball and spitting it into a plastic tube sessions.
What can I say? It hurts to be this sexy.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Remember how I thought I'd stabilized?
10# gain (again, still) in two weeks does not equal stabilization.
But at least I got a $500 bill from the UW for Dr. Evil that our insurance won't cover.
But at least I got a $500 bill from the UW for Dr. Evil that our insurance won't cover.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Goin' In
Well, I’m going in. Starting in about two weeks, I take the plunge once again. This time, though, I’m doing a shorter program (3 out of the 4 I’ve previously done were long). I’m doing short both for my body (and its sensitivity) and so I can hopefully be “stabilized” (yeah, right) by our trip the first week in May.
Right now I’m in the prep stage (which includes mostly planning what I’ll eat on loading days). I had my appointment with my doctor on Tuesday. She strongly encouraged me to do a short program (under a month), and I agreed. It’s so very miserable. The press on how easy it is? Crap.
Yeah, I may only lose 15 pounds, but I’ll take it. Let’s just hope and pray it both stabilizes and holds. I have enough else going on healthwise without more weight gain misery.
Right now I’m in the prep stage (which includes mostly planning what I’ll eat on loading days). I had my appointment with my doctor on Tuesday. She strongly encouraged me to do a short program (under a month), and I agreed. It’s so very miserable. The press on how easy it is? Crap.
Yeah, I may only lose 15 pounds, but I’ll take it. Let’s just hope and pray it both stabilizes and holds. I have enough else going on healthwise without more weight gain misery.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Hi Russia!
I have almost as many readers in Russia as I do in my home country. Why? If you're Russian, please do email me (listed above) as to why. I think it's really cool. I am a tiny bit Russian, you know.
But not enough to attract a blog following. :)
But not enough to attract a blog following. :)
Once more unto the breach, my friends....
Today I have an appt. with the doctor to get prepped for a short hcg cycle. While I hate the idea of a short cycle, as it won't take off nearly what I regained, in the long run, for my overall health, I think it's best.
But we'll see!
I'll let you know how my apointment goes. If all goes as planned (hah!), I should start in two weeks. The short cycle lasts three weeks and change. And if I'm lucky, I'll lose between 15 and 20#. No, that won't take off all the regain (from hell), but it'll take a big bite out of it, and my clothes will fit better.
Then the goal would be to stabilize while we continue to chase down the root cause of my health issues. Easy, right?
But we'll see!
I'll let you know how my apointment goes. If all goes as planned (hah!), I should start in two weeks. The short cycle lasts three weeks and change. And if I'm lucky, I'll lose between 15 and 20#. No, that won't take off all the regain (from hell), but it'll take a big bite out of it, and my clothes will fit better.
Then the goal would be to stabilize while we continue to chase down the root cause of my health issues. Easy, right?
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Sorry to leave you hanging
The tests didn't show anything, as I feared. It hardly seems possible, and I am having a hard time dealing with it. But, things have been crazy busy with Mark working six shifts in three days. So I haven't really had much time to process.
We are leaving tomorrow for Orcas Island. I'm looking forward to some time to accept and figure out what's next. Islands and beaches are good for that. Maybe I'll just turn into a Selkie and meet my true destiny. Probably not.
Oh, ok, one bit. I'm thinking of doing another short hcg cycle and seeing how it goes. And, I made it three scarb free days. It'd been a while.
I'll check in when I can.
We are leaving tomorrow for Orcas Island. I'm looking forward to some time to accept and figure out what's next. Islands and beaches are good for that. Maybe I'll just turn into a Selkie and meet my true destiny. Probably not.
Oh, ok, one bit. I'm thinking of doing another short hcg cycle and seeing how it goes. And, I made it three scarb free days. It'd been a while.
I'll check in when I can.
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