So maybe I should weigh tomorrow?

Ugh. I haven't since I got sick and/or went camping. No steak days, either. I've just felt too sick to bother with a steak day.

The scale is not an appealing prospect for me.

:(

How does one avoid carbs when one is sick and stressed out?

That's one for the ages, isn't it?

One by U2

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

One

I heard from one doctor

My repeat thyroid test came back. I've been taking thyroid for awhile. And I certainly noticed I've not lost more weight. Apparently, the Rx hasn't done a thing. The numbers were unchanged. How is that even possible? And it wasn't even a low dose!

I think my superhero strength is being impervious to medical laws. Calories don't apply to me. I can gain weight on 500 calories a day. Medications don't work. If only I could find a way to turn this into a positive....

Random things

I just checked the stats for the first time in days, and I feel guilty people have been checking and I haven't written anything. It's a good thing I can type, because I cannot talk: I've been felled with a nasty illness, replete with laryngitis.

This is bad on so many levels. Three things are heavily in play. One, not being able to talk is horrific for me. For anybody, yes, but me especially. I MUST communicate to be happy. And having a family, and not being able to talk is hard. I type on the computer a bit, but it's still not easy. When the phone rings? The machine answers. This has been going on since last week.

The biggest worry at the moment is I'm supposed to speak on Sunday. Yes, that's five days away. But there's bad precedent here. I've had laryngitis a number of times in the past, and it was almost always long lived. With long term damage. It makes me sad and worried to think there's a chance I might have to go through what I did last time: two weeks of no voice, followed by two years of not being able to sing, and pain when I read out loud (As a homeschooling mom, I read out loud daily. A lot.).

And I'm sicky sick. I feel awful. The doctor thinks I'm developing pneumonia. He did a blood test, but they've not called back yet, and Mark has to leave in less than an hour. Remember the phone and me? Not happening. Anna hates talking on the phone, which doesn't help. Well, she hates answering the phone. Talking to people she knows on the phone is ok. Go figure.

I'm dizzy, nauseated, fatigued, and worried as all get out. The third big factor: VBS is next week. There's much I need to be doing. The surgery is in a month. I literally have had every day scheduled. Cancelling one to two things each day as this goes on is a problem. When will it be made up? Who knows?

I should be working on paperwork, but it's hard when I feel so crummy. Anna's been sick, too. Not helpful. I was so worried about her last night (high fever), I could hardly sleep, despite the fact the doctor told me sleep is the biggest and best thing I need right now. Thankfully, her fever is down today.

I wish Mark didn't have to go to work. He's a great help. I'm hoping and praying he doesn't catch this; then we'd be in duck soup without a spoon.

There are so many things I want and need to be doing now. Some friends are having problems, and I want to call and support...but...I can't even croak! It's inconceivable!

Yes, I know worrying is counterproductive. It doesn't fix anything, and it makes health worse. But how can I not? Tell me!

Well, we tried to camp. That was a mistake. Both Anna and I got sicker and we had the worst campground mates in the world. Think Animal House. So we came home the next morning instead of today. I went to the doctor instead and thought I was going to pass out.

We have realized (Much to Anna's chagrin) that our camping food tastes have changed. More on that later. The room is moving. That, or it's me. Please do email. I can communicate this way, and it cheers me up.

Viruses suck

I've had a cold. First Anna had it, and it seemed to be mild and blow through pretty fast. Ok, then it attacks (savagely) my throat. Over the course of a few hours, it's gone from a mild huskiness to full on laryngitis.

Not only does it hurt, but it worries me. I'm supposed to speak in a week (publicly--I speak privately all the time), and I have a VBS to prep, then run. I've had laryngitis in the past that lasted a LONG time. And damaged my voice for a few years.

I'm not anxious for a repeat performance. I hope this is just a minor thing. But it is me we're talking about.

And I ate too much today. Thank you and goodnight.

A small victory

I have a cold. Feh. No fun. It's not horrible, and I'm a few days in, so I don't feel I'm a contagious menace to the world by going out today. But I'm still a little shaky.

So anyway, I was visiting my friend Mermaid, who works downtown--across from arguably the best pizza place going. The smells wafting in were mocking us. When I left, I realized how hungry I was.

By the time I got to the car, my blood sugar was in my shoes (I think the cold/cold medicine contributed). Did I get a slice? NO! Did I get a candy bar? NO! I stopped and bought a banana. True, a more sugary fruit than I tend to go for, but it didn't need washing.

So, I consider that a minor victory.

I was wrong

I was a pound down today. But it had the same .#, so I just mostly looked at the end number. Even so, a pound above my "weight." Perhaps tomorrow? I've been jonesing for treats, but I've been strong.

I don't really know what being sick does to weight. I have a cold. Yucky.

I'm trying to get paperwork done (planning, etc.), but it's tough when my head feels wrapped in cotton wool.

rats

I thought my weight would be back to my alleged stabilized weight today, but it's not. But it is the same as it was yesterday. Another steak day on the docket for Friday.

Feh.

:(

Why do I even bother with my plans?

NOT stabilized. I was shocked and horrified to see it 2# over my "stabilized" weight, even after a long and miserable steak day.

Sucks.

Oh, come on now!

I just read that I should burn 2700 calories a day. There's NO way I eat that many on any given day! So I should be continually losing.

Grrrr.

Ok, the worst is over

Sure, I don't get my tea with cream treat tonight, but at least most of the day is over and since dinner I can upgrade from starving to merely peckish.

I am stoked about tomorrow's weigh in. I really think this could be it (stabilization). Sure, keeping it there is a bit of a pain in the arse (Who wants to do steak days once a week?), but I can live with it. And perhaps in due course it will firmly stabilize, steak days can be rare, and perhaps...more downward shifting?

It could happen.

a thought on my new weight

I can live with it. Yeah, I wish it had of settled on the -11# weight. But, oddly enough, it doesn't really make much difference. I still can fit the same clothes. I don't feel any different than I did when (for that one day) I touched on that weight.

So I guess it doesn't really matter? Let's just hope I can hold it through the surgeries.

I can't think of anything new to stay about a steak day

But I'm hungry! Argh! Just a couple more hours...I can do it.

I'll be interested to see if it hits on my STABILIZED?!?? weight tomorrow. You'll be the second to know.

Steak days are hard at best

...doubly hard when they follow a long, tiring weekend. But this was the day I had to do it. And THEY say they work better if you do them right away after an indulgent food day(s). I didn't even bother to weigh. There was cookies involved. That's all my body needs to know.

So, I'm hungry, sore, and very tired. It was a great weekend, though. Watching Anna dance is always a blessing. She's such a neat kid. I'm so happy she's mine. I wish I could just keep her forever!

But her wings keep growing and she's ever creeping closer to the edge of the nest. Sigh.

Wait, I forgot to tell you!

I did end up weighing Saturday morning. It was good! I seem to have stabilized. 11 pounds over my LIW, which blows.

But, really. I'll take it.

I have heard from a number of people it's "normal" and even expected when one has serious metabolic issues and/or loses a lot to gain back 10. So, my new plan (Plan #49666)is to do two more long cycles. Probably a year apart. Then, even with the rebound, horrific battle that is my stabilization time (three months+ is a long time to deal with that, let me tell you), eventually I'll get there.

I'd like to lose 40-50 more. But I'll just have to see. I can only do my best.

Looking for balance

Sometimes when I have a "day off," I overdo. Yesterday at the Fort, being there most all day, I planned to lighten up and have some carbs. But, I ate too many.

Does anybody else have this problem?

Steak day tomorrow. Like, totally.

To weigh or not to weigh

Can't decide about my weekly weigh in tomorrow. I'm retaining water like mad. But, I'm taking the weekend off for the dance recital. I've been really wanting sweet carbs the past few days, but knowing about the weekend, I've held fast.

But has it been working? I don't know. I doubt tomorrow's weight would be accurate...

I'm tired and sore, and wanting the ice cream I bought today for Father's Day. I went swimming with Anna and my friend Mermaid. Then, we went to a rehearsal and ran a couple of errands; gone two hours for that. I guess I forgot the swimming usually does in my back all by itself, then add the other stuff, and I'm a tired, hurting unit. A unit craving that Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie in the fridge!

Well, no help for it. One tea with stevia--coming up!

Feeling a little mopey about my pending surgery. Which surgery? That would be my twelth surgery. So, ok, I'll cop to a little self pity tonight. But I'm happy to realize I have largely learned not to self medicate with food. It just adds more problems to whatever's making me sad.

I'm learning to accept my sad feelings and let them do what they need to do. So, tonight I'm sad. I also realize my pain and fatigue could very well be amplifying everything, so I'm attempting to not take every sad thought I have as gospel.

So, I'm gonna make my tea, watch a little Star Trek, and go to bed. Tomorrow's another day. And it's a day I get to watch my little girl dance surrounded by friends--and I get to have a cookie. :)

Cookies...in the house...

Dude, I suffer! This morning, I made almond chocolate chip muffins for Anna's last day of writing class. Mark and Anna each had one. I didn't. Then, at the store, I got milanos for this weekend's dance recital extravaganza.

Mark and Anna polished off the bag during lunch. I didn't.

COOOKKKIIIIIIEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (In the tone of "Stella!")

Liberating, yet sad

I have issues with control. I know, like...who doesn't...I know, Riiigggthhhtttt? (Sorry, toxic teen grammar exposure is rubbing off.) :)

But I had to face a hard truth: I needed to let go of my LIST for Mark to do this summer. We've been waiting a very long, long, long time for him to finish school and attack the house projects.

And bless him, he's willing. But I had an epiphany last night: we don't have the time. Three weeks before VBS, three weeks after. Then Arizona for two weeks. Then two days after we get home, and he's back at work (oh, help). Then a couple of weeks after that, we start school again. When he's not at work, he'll be taking care of the house and driving me to physical therapy. And he'll be subbing often before working the night shift at the store.

Wow.

So, the desk, cabinet, and fence I had planned for us...? That doesn't even include the daily life maintenance stuff, and the lawns he mows (ours, our elderly neighbors' and Anna's violin teacher's). Something had to give.

And it's me. My expectations are too high. I think I rather pit myself against life. It's my pain-wracked body against the universe. By sheer force of will, I accomplish things. I think sometimes it's more defiant (not good) than noble (good).

So when I shared with Mark my revelation, he was relieved. We agreed we have quite enough on our plate without a plethora (and yes, I do know what plethora means) of big extras. We've decided to prioritize and work our way through as best we can. We'll still be plenty busy!

As for my backyard fence, we'll get there. It's just the arrival date is not under my control. The good news is, my letting go of the reins a bit leaves more room for important things, like going to the beach with our daughter. The best things in life aren't things.

Back on the wagon

...after the cornbread. I'd like to think homemade carbs "don't count."

What do you think?

Another thought....

I think perhaps my family should consider imprisoning me for Angel of Death week. That would keep me away from all carbs.

I made cornbread--and ATE SOME.

I suck.

A thought

I'm starting to think if somebody hasn't answered an email you sent in September, they're probably not going to answer.

And yes, I am Norwegian. Why do you ask?

Close call

I was jonesing for carbs when Anna and I stopped by the store. But I had cake yesterday so resisted the urge. But barely.

I was framed

Dude, PMS and an opulent display of party food. What's a girl to do?

Good thing I planned for it. But crikey, chocolate cake? Why not just hand me a Mr. Pibb and have done with it?

I am NOT a strawberry (dammit)

I ate ONE, and now my face LOOKS like one, and is hot and ouchy.

(*&&^^%^%%%%%%

My new fave dessert

Cut up peaches or nectarines* with crumbled goat cheese and cinnamon over the top (the cinnamon is not crumbled; the goat cheese is).

*C, nectarines and peaches are GOOD! Open your mind--open your palette! It's unseemly to live in the South and not like peaches. I expect you to work on it before Anna and I come next summer.

I have spoken.

I heart steak days (the morning after and only then)

4#! Woo! And now I avoid the scale like grim death for the next week. Trust me, it's best for all of us.

I do have a good food plan worked out the next week. Minimal carbs. We have friends coming over tomorrow, and we're going to a graduation party tonight, but I have worked those times into the plan.

It's all good. I THINK my bod is planting its flag at 10# above the last injection weight. Curse that last cycle anyway. But it is what it is. Wow. Two quasi-trendy slogans in one paragraph. I'm slipping.

But I'm sort of almost accepting my sexy dream of all being well and done before years' end is dead. I was obese for 20 years. And darn near most all of it wasn't my fault. My body has issues (Wow, what a euphemism!). But I can still get to where I want to be. It'll just take time.

It's not failure, it's redefined objectives.

steak day update

Starving. Weak. Mopey.

3# up (in a couple of days)

Yep yep. Lame.

Steak day today. Even more lame.

It does seem to line up that after today I ought to end up right at that (lame) place I seem to be sort of leveling off at (nice grammar!). 10# above my LIW. That is sucky, but I can live with it.

The battle's not over, it's just much longer than I thought. Like nearly all wars, yes?

Ugh

Falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 is a bad thing when it comes to going to bed later.

Tomorrow is a steak day. No, I haven't weighed, but, duh. Unless a miracle has happened, I've continued to creep up as I do nearly every day (except the day after the steak day!).

I loathe them. Yes, of course, the part where I eat the steak and apple is pretty good. Especially given by that time of day, my blood sugar is in my shoes and it feels like I haven't eaten in about a week. But the rest of the day stinks. Hungry, no energy, etc.

I'm sad the thyroid rx has apparently done squat. No weight improvement. No energy improvement. No improvement of low body temperature or finger nails, etc.

So, tomorrow morning I man up and get on the scale. Three days this week (none consecutive), I had simple carbs. I'm entering Angel of Death Week, and my carb craving is reflecting it. I wasn't going to tonight, but did. Made it all day until after dinner!

Alrighty then. Steak day and weigh in on the morrow. I'll be interested to see if my post steak day weight is where it seems to be settling (if you can call it that). It's not exactly settling, but I noticed a certain weight recurring (with the continued climbing and steak day resets). It's about 10# above my LIW.

Mark's theory is that's where it settles, 10# up (I've heard this from others too). So, in theory (Oh, good! Sandra's weight theory #960!), if I waited long enough to make the hcg effective again, and lost the whole boat (35#), twice over the next two years (Shoot me, please), that'd be 70# from now. However, add in the settling upwards, and my pending double back surgery, and we could reasonably expect to be 40-50# less than now. Probably closer to the #40.

Dude, I could live with that. But will I get the chance? Stay tuned.

Lurid fantasies about chocolate and soda

I was at the gas station today and there was a posted advertisement: Buy two 20 oz. Pepsi products and receive a king size chocolate bar! For a moment I pondered the pleasing mental image of me laying on the couch, sipping a Dr. Pepper, reading a book, and nibbling on the chocolate bar.

I think my fantasy life is pretty sad.

I'm craving peanut butter toast

Just sayin'.

Slap me

I was not disciplined at lunch today. Carb on carb, with a carb follow up. Yeah, that's all that was served, but I *probably* didn't have to have seconds.

Bits and pieces

Today we went to the Medieval Faire in Port Gamble. Fun! Man, I love that. I inadvertently ended up in the crepe line. I got out of it. We had packed a lunch (simple carb free for me), and we ate that.

Then, on the way back to the car (by this point we were tired, hot, and hungry) we walked by the store that sells ice cream cones. *That* was a close one, especially with Anna pulling my sleeve.

I wanted the ice cream, yes, but I'm also feeling angry that my body acts like this. But eating more or less what I wanted had me gain 4# in 2 days--and I didn't eat much.

I'm 12# over my Last Injection Weight. The way it looks is I'm gaining weight--no matter what. If I go no simple carbs (which sucks), I still gain. Even if I have two meals per week (I eat 4x per day, including an afternoon snack, which I require for my blood sugar), with simple carb in it (even something as innocuous as one piece of whole grain toast), I gain twice as fast.

What the heck am I supposed to do, universe? Devil, Deep Blue Sea, Me.

Steak days suck a lot

I'm just keepin' it real.

Wow

7# in 7 days, 4 being in the past 4 days.

I'm speechless.

Hmmmm

I don't think spite eating is going to help the scale go down.

But it was fun.

I'm done now.

3#

The great weigh in was a bust. After three weeks of near monastic perfection, I gained 3#. And there’s no calendar to blame this time.

Seriously, one afternoon off of no simple carbs in three weeks! It’s been hard. And it’s been over a week since I started the thyroid supplement (which is supposed to help). And my body rewards me with three pounds back.

I just don’t get it. Where can I go? What can I do? What kind of doctor can I see that I already haven’t seen?

Feels like I’ve run out of road.