scattered

Everything in my life seems scattered out and disorganized; and that is so not me. Ever since the laryngitis/surgery summer combo, things haven't felt right. My weight doesn't help. Anna's new schedule (going to the next level of ability requires more class time), Mark's weird, chaotic schedule, trying to balance too many medical things...it's just not good. And frankly, I don't have the physical strength to manage it all right now.

Sure, we're not starving, our clothes are clean, the house is clean most of the time, and school is progressing (though not as fast as I'd like--not having a voice effects that, of course).

But I just feel stuck, and unable to more forward.

So much to tell

But I'm exhausted from my day in Seattle. But the news is good! I have some voice back already! They did extensive testing and physical therapy. My prognosis is good, and I've got a start already.

The virus damaged and weakened my vocal cords. The swelling is finally gone, and what's left is something called....ohhh...something like functional dysphonia? Anyway, it's fixable with physical therapy!

More trips to Seattle. However, through Safeway we got discount tickets to the zoo and aquarium. So, score for Anna!

I'm exhausted and sore, but very happy. It's funny, suddenly everything seems more manageable and hopeful. I feel like I'll be talking, sitting, and back to my LIW in no time! ;)

I heart Sarah McLachlan

Time here
all but means nothing
just shadows that most 'cross the wall
they keep me company
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all...

A quick thought to ponder

I want to bake again. Anna's sicker. Bessie's sicker. I feel not-so-well, either. So what do I want? CHOCOLATE! Even if my metabolism acted normally, comfort eating is not something to be embraced more than very occasionally.

I still am having a hard time accepting I can't metabolize simple carbs. Heck, even when I avoid them, I still gain weight! That's totally wrong. But anyway, if I eat simple carbs only very rarely, it's not nearly as bad. And other things pay off: I feel better, my blood test values are good, etc.

I'm wondering if it will be a lifetime battle? The pull to eating food that's bad for me? I calculate so. I do come from a family of alcoholics. I'm the only one who doesn't drink to excess--and I'm the only heavy one--provocative, huh? I once read a book saying alcoholism is an inherited genetic addition to sugar.

Food for thought.

Made it

I realized halfway through the day I was well on the way to having a simple carb free day. So, though I've wanted to have something with sugar in it all day, I abstained. It's been one of those days too.

Anna is apparently sick (a family cold is not what we need when I'm to see the ENT in Seattle on Monday), and Bessie threw up on the carpet (I don't think she had what Maggie had, but still...). And fella, my back is in bad shape. Anna's two dance classes being on back to back days now is bad juju for my spine.

I almost baked. But I didn't. That would not have helped anything (for more than five minutes).

My new plan (v. 3087)

This weekend Mark and Anna are Daddy-Daughter camp in Stanwood. So, it's just me and the girls hanging out. Due to my post-op situation, I can't tear into a huge project like I usually do when they're away. I was going to go along and stay with friends who live at the camp, but frankly, my body is just not up to it.

So, I'm home. I've puttered and gotten a few non-physical projects done, which is a great feeling. I've also watched movies and read, just generally realized and rested my back and voice.

But, I've cooked a bit too. I made more brownies. I seem to be on a quest to perfect my recipe. Today I eschewed the cinnamon and put streaks of raspberry jam in them. Wow! I was reasonable, though. I gave some to our neighbors, and set aside three for tomorrow, for Mark, Anna, and I to have one when get home. So, I had two or three total. Not too shabby.

My plan is this pending week to tighten my belt a little and reduce my carb intake even more. I haven't been eating too much by "normal" standards; but, we established "normal" waved bye bye to me at birth.

I plan to go on another hcg round in early January. Yes, to lose the same damn 30# again. I'm hoping the next time, it will take. I'm going to keep working until I reach my goal. Then, I'll be working to maintain my goal.

I'm taking a longer view than previous. I figure, at this point, I will go on an hcg round every year, as necessary. So, I won't be to my ultimate goal for some time. BUT, if I can get down a bit each time, then somehow get my body to accept the weight, and hold it, the next year, I can go down farther.

I felt pretty good at my last LIW (last injection weight). Too bad it went away the day I ended my injections. But, my doctor and I agree four hcg rounds in a year is too much. I'm hoping with a year off, I will stabilize next time without difficulty (like I did with my first cycle). If I can maintain, the next year's round (2013), I will be darn close to my goal--or maybe even at my goal. We'll have to see. A 40+ year old body is different than a 20 year old body.

If I need to get more weight off, or if I slide up a bit, I can do more rounds. Perhaps a short round? Sweet. Those aren't so bad! Being hungry for three weeks is a LOT better than being hungry for seven weeks.

Well, that's the plan. This next week, fewer carbs. Again. Feh. I just hope to maintain where I am. I keep trying! A friend of mine once defined success as getting up one more time than you're knocked down.

Man Up Monday

I got on the scale. Damn, wish I didn't.

I have regained more than I thought. I have regained a staggering 35#, in three months. Have I eaten that much? Nope. Has this happened before? Yep. Do they know what causes it? Nope.

Will I give up, dive into a Ben & Jerry's carton and pull the lid in after me? Nope.

Maggie!

She's coming home! She's doing very well. I can't wait to see her!

Maggie is sick

Maggie is our 13 and a half year old Labrador retriever, and we think the best dog ever. Friday morning all was normal (she's been quite healthy), but by mid-morning, she was sick. We took her to the vet, he thought she got into something and would be ok, gave her a shot to stop her vomiting, etc. But yesterday morning, she was very bad off. So we took her to the vet where she is now.

They're not sure what's wrong with her because her lab work is strange. Her blood counts are normal, which they shouldn't be, because she has a fever. The meds improved her fever and helped her stop vomiting, which is good, but she was still very weak. The vet said there's a chance it's something called Addison's Disease, but that doesn't seem very likely to me, as her symptoms were so out of the blue.

So the idea is to support her system with iv fluids and anti-nausea medication to give her body a chance to fight back. But the fact her blood work is strange indicates the infection might just be too bad to fight. Where did it come from? If she got into something...? Bessie is fine and those two are together all the time.

So I'm miserable. That's why I'm up at 5:30. I can't sleep, worrying about Maggie, scared, alone, and sick in the dark. It's not a city animal hospital that's staffed all night. They come in late, they come in early, but overnight she's alone. And what if she's gone? I can't stand that thought.

We got her in May of 1998. She's been part of our family a long time. She was our baby when we couldn't get pregnant. She went everywhere with us. I used to carry her around the house when she weighed 10#. I sure couldn't do that when she weighed 70# Now she's down to 58#, too skinny. Little Bessie weighs more than that.

I know she's had a good and long life, but I don't want to lose her. Yesterday when we got there, none of us wanted to bring her in. We were all scared it was her last ride. She'd been so miserable, she was unable to sleep, but in the car, she curled up on Anna's sweatshirt and finally snoozed. I think we all were silently contemplating making a break for it and taking her home. But we knew she needed the care the vets can offer. But I want her home. Our scheduled visitation time is 9:30this morning. I don't know what we'll find; it truly could go either way.

I hope she's ok.

Brownies: an epilogue

I made the brownies in a controlled, planned fashion. And they were good. I feel fine about it because it wasn't compulsive or me trying to self medicate.

But, they're just brownies. They contain no healing powers.

Staying ahead of the brownies

It's getting easier. But, I do plan on making them this week, planned ahead, as a special treat to go with a nice dinner. I'm thinking it would be a good thing to share with our neighbors. I don't need to eat the better part of a 9x9 pan of brownies.

Feeling blue. School to start tomorrow. How will I manage this? When I lost my voice 11 weeks ago, I never even considered the possibility I might be voiceless come school time. Really, who would?

There's a "voice expert" ENT at the UW in Seattle. Mark's going to call and get me on the schedule. Meanwhile, I'll keep up my acupuncture and try to hope for the best. Sometimes I feel ok, like I'm managing the stress of post-op, Mark's potential imminent career change, and being a Mommy/teacher with no voice, and other times I want to pull the covers over my head and refuse to leave my room.

Why again shouldn't I make those brownies? :}

It worked again, but barely

I still want those brownies. I noticed I particularly wanted them after an occasional neighbor popped in and made me feel crummy. Many people inadvertently make me feel bad about my voice and/or surgery score card. She's one of them. (I'm still a normal person. And yes, I'm aware I "...still can't talk???!?!!!" and even that, I "...had surgery AGAINNNNN?????" You don't have to point it out to me. And you don't have to talk loudly; I can hear fine, thank you.)

So when she left, I just felt tired, defeated, and bad about myself. And even more like a loser. And hey, those brownies started to sound even better. But I thought about it, and reflected on the truth of the Kung Fu Panda wisdom, The cup you seek to fill has no bottom, and decided to not try to fill it with chocolate.

At least not this day.

Aberration or breakthrough?

Last night I was sort of planning on making my killer possibly world famous Mexican dark chocolate brownies with mocha Kahlua extract. I was tired (as per usual) and my back hurt (as per usual), but they only take 10 minutes to put in the oven (Can you tell I've made them before?).

It was 9. For a long time, I didn't eat after dinner. Ever. I've lost my way; I know that. I also know it's okay to give myself a break. My body's going through a lot right now. And, on top of that, I'm anemic again, so I need the extra strength (No, I'm not self deluded enough to think sugar and flour is the preferred fuel at this time, but even so...).

So, I stood in the kitchen a moment. Then I thought of something. You'll love this--wisdom from Po. Yes, Po: The Kung Fu Panda. OK, not him specifically, but the movie. As I was at that point where I'd either get out the ingredients from the baking cupboard, or not, I realized: the cup I seek to fill has no bottom.

I was not going to eat because I was hungry, or because we were having a nice treat with dinner, I was going to eat to make myself feel better. And that cup has no bottom. So, I made a cup of tea, and spend the remainder of the waning hours on the couch with my book.

a mystery

Sometimes I click on the site stats. Every day somebody, normally more than one, has looked at an old post called Addendum to the Last Post. It wasn't a particularly special post.

It's old. And yet, out of curiosity, when I clicked on all time stats, that particular post has been viewed far and away more than any one.

Any idea why?