A fun bit

Today I went with Mark and Anna to Sequim (they had doc appts.). After, we stopped by Costco. There, we saw an older gentleman we used to go to church with oh, about 12 or 13 years ago. Mark had seen him, and sent me in that direction to say hello.

At first he didn't recognize me; I figured it'd been awhile. Then the light clicked on and he asked, "Did you lose a BUNCH of weight?" I said I did. He couldn't get over himself! Which is kind of funny 'cause when I look in the mirror, I still see FAT. Maybe I look better than I think.

Looking forward to maintenance

...too bad it's in over two weeks! Oh well. I am happy to be able to eat more. There's still the inconvenience, though, of eating not-at-home. I'll live.

I'm thinking I'm glad Mark and I look less like Miss Piggy and Kermit now.

Have you seen Normal?

I can't find it. I'm tired of food being a constant source of topic! It's so inconvenient to be constantly managing it. What do I have to pack with me? What can I have instead of what they're having? Do I have to take anything out of the freezer tonight?

And I'm also tired of the adjustment period. I'm kind of sick from it. My body is constantly being smacked down on one phase of the diet to the next.

Just want to be a normal person. I think that boat sailed 41 years ago...

For the good of all

I have decided not to weigh. The last two times I did the diet, my weight shot up 4# in 4 days on stabilization. This is extremely stressful! And we're coming up on my special happy time, where I retain enough water to flood Death Valley.

So, for my sanity and my family's happiness, I'm just going to wait 'til after that time is over. Let's hope it pays off and doesn't cause a big hassle! But I figure, I'm following the protocol to the letter, so why torture myself?

The novelty of eating is wearing off quicker this time. Let's hope this means something good in my overall relationship to food.

Lotion on my hands, conditioner in my hair

Life is good.

Happy Thanksgiving (Stabilization Day!)!

Well, there's always good with the bad, yes? Just when I figure out I know this diet inside and out, I get a surprise. Today, I was up .4, even before starting stabilizing. Feh. I think it was the tons of shortening I had to touch making pie crust yesterday. Oh well (grump grump). I'm not over the LIW, so that's what counts, really.

So...breakfast was AWESOME! Pork Egg Hat, tea with cream, a few slices of cheese. Heaven!

Have a great Thanksgiving!

anticipation

My special cheesecake is baking. It smells like heaven in an oven! Tomorrow, pork egg hat, Tillamook cheese, apples with CREAM CHEESE (that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, baby!), cream in my tea, turkey, yogurt, broccoli...

Found the cloud in the silver lining

Making these holiday foods that I can't eat.

Store

We went to the store today to pick up things for both TG and stabilization. I almost did a jig when I put cream in the cart. Cream in my tea is one of life's niceties. Buying cheese sticks and oranges and stuff like that really made me feel happy. Such a relief to be almost there! Oooh, I also picked out cream cheese to make my special cheesecake my friend found a recipe for (cream cheese, stevia, eggs--sign me up!!).

It's all good.

I am working on getting a current picture for the blog, but I'm about as photogenic as a mud fence, so be patient. I'll also do an update of final stats. But things have been a little crazy (you know...life). We'll get there.

Time to haul myself off the couch (back really hurts from the trip and sadly, I have to bake a pie, a cheesecake, and make a cranberry relish today). Ugh.

One more day!

I'm soooooo excited to be able to eat tomorrow! I realized I've spent 17 weeks out of the last eight months being hungry. I mean, not peckish, but painfully so. It makes me feel more grateful for the food we have and take for granted.

Like the other day with my cold issue. It makes me appreciate what we have. My condition, though uncomfortable, is fixable, and there's a good reason. And I do have a choice. I could be warm with a full tummy, but then I wouldn't be getting thinner. It's my choice. Which is different than most who are hungry or cold.

Sorry, this is supposed to be articulate, but it's not!

More later. :)

Yay!

I have made my condiments for stabilization! Everything has sugar, so I have to make my own mayo and salad dressing. Yippee!

So exciting--almost there!

Too bad it doesn't "count"

.8. I'll take it, though.

Brrrr!

Two days 'til food. I have not weighed as yet (bonus loss as it doesn't "count" now, but goes into the four-pound radius of the new "zone" I'll live in 'til February); I'd have to remove my clothes! All two sets of them.

So I had to endure my dad's lecture on us not having tire chains or a canopy. Had to endure it 'cause he's correct. They're "on the list" of course, right under the $2,000 replacement chimney we need.

Sigh. Yesterday I had a baking jones, so I made Anna and Mark gingerbread scones. I wanted cocoa really badly! And the scones, of course.

Hot comfort food would be really nice...but not for two more days!

The LIW: HAPPY DANCE!

Ta-da! The last weight. Last night was very unpleasant. I shivered all night. I got up six times to go potty. Usually, this means a spectacular weight loss the next day. Today...not. A measly .2. Oh well, what's done is done. (Massage oil--d'oh!)

The final weight loss tally this cycle: #26.6. Let's call it #27, ok? Were I not sleep deprived, I'd dig up the other stats right now, but I will later. Got to leave you coming back for more (heh). If you count in the pounds I had to RE-LOSE (I know...call Oprah, I have issues), it's #18 new ones.

I missed my goal by 3#. But even so, it's good, right? I consider myself (and if I'm lying to myself, be kind and keep it to yourself) no longer obese. I believe I've graduated to chubby. Pleasingly plump? I like that one. Or as a rakish friend once said, "Chubby in all the right places." Hah. Maybe not there yet.

Ok, my new plan for the down time (Cripes, wish it was today; I'm hungry pal!): work on my overall health and eating. I have lots to do there. Lots of water, exercise as I can (building up from the dreaded surgery), portion sizes, learning new veggies, etc.

Boy, did I do a happy dance this morning when I was done with my last injection. My legs are so bruised and the skin tough from doing the shots. Felt like I needed a tack hammer the last week. Not pleasant.

I'll leave you with this for now, speaking of unpleasant--and last night. Being cold sucks. Normally, in my life, coldness has not been a problem! I figure it's a combination of my northern European genetic heritage and my ample layer of insulating padding. But the meds make me COLD. Night is the worst.

So, here's the twist. This morning, at oh, about 4:00 as I was so cold I was unable to get back to sleep, I discovered a pocket of gratitude. Yeah, I'm cold. But I know why. And I have the ability to treat the cold. I have more blankets (an unlimited supply, it seems) to pile on (sorry, Mark). I have more clothes to put on. Soft, cozy clothes. I have a husband to snuggle up to. I have a heater to turn on. In my own home.

Am I blessed, or what?

I FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had "an apostrophe" last night. It was alarmingly like a movie moment, where one hears a disparate bit of information and suddenly flashes back, where suddenly all pieces come together. I just wish it was good news, and not bad. And even though I slapped my head and laughed, it still kinda sucks.

So. Are you ready? Last night the mom of a friend of Anna's called me. Then she starts talking about how massage cured her back aches, and maybe I should try that (I know...I know...I won't be mean...but crikey, woman...). Any--wayyyyyy, she was yammering--I mean--talking about scented massage oil.

And it hit me.

Like a large truck.

Massage. Oil. Like the stuff they've been using on my back 2x a week at physical therapy. O-I-L. As in my body's been sucking it up and not using the fat off my tummy to the degree I'd hoped and expected.

Blimey.

Doing better tonight than last

....with the hunger stuff. Phew! Yesterday was brutal. Not that I'm not very hungry, mind you, but I'm not feeling like crying or passing out.

It's so exciting to be so close to stabilization! Thanksgiving feels kind of far away, but it's not, I know. I have much to do between now and then, which is tough on my body, but worth the effort.

I made cranberry pumpkin bread for Mark and Anna tonight. It smells heavenly! But tonight it's more of a comforting smell than a mocking one. :}

I can count down the days 'til food on one hand now. Yee haw!

If it's not one thing, it's another!

I just did measurements to compare with a size chart. I have a size 20 bust and hip, but a size 16 waist. How can I buy clothes? What does this mean?!

.4, I'd hoped for more

But I'll take it. 5 days 'til food.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I'm starting to make my plans for the time between cycles (about two months). Three of those weeks are stabilization weeks (no carbs). Six, actually. They consider the time it takes to effectively stabilize to be six weeks, but the last three you can introduce carbs. The doc doesn't want people to really pursue that much when they're going to do another cycle shortly. Sigh. Forgot about that 'til right now. Even so, I'm having some. End of story. Anyway....

The plan: obviously work on maintaining. But work on the overall things I think are important for me: drinking a lot of water, not eating after dinner, working on smaller portion sizes (I can eat like a longshoreman and no mistake). Also, work on my back strengthening.

Yeah, my surgery failed (words fail!). But I can still get stronger, which can only help. I graduate from physical therapy Dec. 10 (yay!). I mean, I like being there, but it's the getting there that's a pain, plus it disrupts school.

So there you have it. The outline of my plan. I am not excited about doing another long cycle in Feb. I hope more enthusiasm grows between now and then. Not being hungry for the two months in between will probably improve my attitude about it. At least I hope so. I have 40 pounds to go for my goal (then we see, but the magic 8 ball says enough already). Sounds like a lot if you've never been obese. But after losing 85, 40 sounds relatively easy!

Part of me wants to just bag it, but until I have a tummy that doesn't...fold...I'm keeping on!
:-()

Bad day

I've been utterly starving all day. I'm guessing it's because it's the end of the line. People can only do so many shots because the efficacy of them wears off. I want to eat. Even after my little dinner, I felt like I'd eaten nothing.

Not good.

.8, nice to see you again!

Ahhhh. Better. Let's hope the next three weigh-ins before the LIW are good. In any case, I made it to 25# this cycle. Six days 'til food!!!!!!!!!!!

The last bit of any cycle is hard. The meds aren't as effective, the injections are more painful, the stomach feels more empty. And frankly, it's been played.

But, stick with it, I will.

Death by fragrance

Smells of my house right now: sugar cookies, bread machine baking Italian bread (crusty, rustic bread), and homemade spaghetti sauce.

Q: Why did you jump off your roof, Sandra?
A: Come on--did you smell my house?

.6 Meh

I guess I should be happy, but I'm not. It's only been a couple of pounds o'er a couple o'weeks. And it's not FAIR! I'm sure you know that's an issue for me. I hate doing everything right only to fail. It's not *supposed* to go like this. I should have sailed right past my goal by now and be into bonus pounds, not 6.6# above my goal. And my goal wasn't even terribly ambitious or unrealistic.

Life not being fair has always rankled me. In college I decided I wanted to do something about it, so I planned on becoming a lawyer. The good kind. The kind that works tirelessly to help those who are getting knocked around...you guessed it...unfairly. I never even considered that lawyers make a lot of money. In my jaded dotage I kind of chuckle at that now as we've struggled with money our whole married life--because I was unable to become a lawyer (or anything else) because of my health--all of which IS. NOT. FAIR.

So fast forward five years when I met a good doctor and I thought I'd be able to recover my health. She was so different and pulled from both naturopathic and allopathic sources and I thought my time had come. So I decided if/when I got better (still being infertile at that point), I'd go into healthcare and serve those who were getting knocked around and get them the help they needed.

Then I a) didn't get better I b) finally became a mom and my health has been an ever-downward spiral so instead of fighting the good fight for the earth and its downtrodden, on a good day I can hope to do and put away a load of dishes.

Scale, I'm serious now...

I'm going to weigh. Then take a bath. I'm cold! And the rest of the population won't be up for an hour. Except the puppy. She's watching everything I do with great anticipation. It's nice to be appreciated. :)

Aye Aye

I guess I'll just go down with the ship. 5 more shots, 8 days 'til food. Actually, 5 days until the LIW (Last injection weight--the weight that counts). I'll stick with it in the hopes that things will pick up and maybe a couple more will come off in time. I suppose since I've been starving for 5 weeks, what's one more, right? :-(

This is quite a discouragement. I'd have rather had the derailment at the beginning (like my first cycle). If this...whatever...hadn't of happened, I'd have sailed past my goal. Now I'm 7 pounds above it with no hope of reaching it.

One thing, though. If my weight starts to go UP, somebody's going to get an ass kicking. I don't know who, though. Maybe my doctor? :-}

Not good

Still plateaued. Trying to figure out why keep going when the weight's been virtually the same for 10 days despite me doing everything the diet (and doc) says? It's expensive and brutal.

:(

I almost ate a grape

...twice! I was washing fruit for my fam today, and I had to arrest my hand but inches from the offending fruit. Argh, habits suck.

9 days 'til food. That's less than 10, you know.

I have a clothing quandary. Almost everything is just big enough to be uncomfortably so. And I have to wear this weight until February. I guess I'll be renting clothes from Goodwill and Fancy Feathers (giving them back in the spring to send them along the great material continuum). Kind of a pain, but what ya gonna do? It's far too cold to go naked.

Too cowardly to weigh today

After the last week of bizarre scale behavior, I think I'm going to skip it today, give my body an extra day to GET WITH THE PROGRAM! What a weird night. Freak, sudden storm blew our power out (and me--caught unprepared--imagine!). Bad sleep. A certain pixie insisted in sleeping in our bed, which is a mere full size. And it's not big enough for the three of us anymore. It was ok until Mark got home from the store (what a frenzied night he had--when the big store's power went out!).

So very little sleep (which does affect my weight loss). I'm up now, as I have to leave for physical therapy in an hour. I'm really tired and sore, but that's life, yes? At least my life. Then later today we have a house appraisal (another *Y%%%% hoop for our refinance). We're all worried it will appraise for less 'cause our loft attic is full of boxes!

Anyway, I digress. 9 days 'til food! 6 days til final shot. Mini woot!

I guess it was inevitable

Weight UP today. .4. Makes me feel just east of homicidal.

Today was rough. It's one of those painfully hungry days. I was making lunch stuff (and packalong dinner for Mark) for my family. I was slicing sandwich stuff, and the cheddar cheese was so enticing, it was brutal. As was the peanut butter. Ouch.

shapes

100 years ago I was an hourglass. I've spent 20 years being an apple. So I was rather shocked to see that I had a waist. Then I did the measurements, and it's back. Weird.

11 days 'til food.
8 more shots.

Huzzah!

Out in the world

I went to church today, for essentially the first time since my surgery. I went once last month, but that was a very short morning as the majority of the church was at Family Camp. It was difficult physically, but great to be there. My back was not happy, and I was starving and thirsty! Now I'm uber sore and more or less glued to the couch (however, the house chores are calling my name incessantly).

A few mentioned my weight loss. I just feel like...me. Some people lose weight and go all Hollywood or whatnot, but my weight loss hasn't changed me. It's a means to an end--the end being less pain. I'm still the same old Sandra. Just with smaller pants.

Pleateau broken

Yay! 7.4# above my super happy goal. In...eight days. Well, fella, it's not likely. But that won't stop me from trying.

What's it like to not be hungry?!

I'm watching a Food Network show about Thanksgiving. I think the protein deprivation is making me stupid. :} Tomorrow I get to say, "Next week I get to eat!"

This weight loss better speed up. I am not amused.

I'm also slightly put out I won't be having pie, cranberry, mashed potatoes, gravy, or stuffing on Thanksgiving. BUT, I shall have a deep pile of turkey and veggies. I will be thankful for that.

But, that being said, nobody better get between me and my Christmas dinner. It won't be pretty. Think stevedore on parole.

That worked

About five seconds after posting, my friend called. She couldn't have read the post yet, so I guess it was just out in the universe. :}

I heard back from the doctor. He thinks it's just a natural stall as I've lost 23# in a month (again, six of them were "over the zone" pounds and I don't really count them). But, ok 23#. He also thinks my symptoms point to low electrolytes and/or a hypoglycemic reaction. Yippee.

What I know for sure is I feel yucky and the thought of dragging this on another 12 days 'til food if my weight loss and symptoms don't improve sounds about as much fun as running my knuckles over with a cheese grater. Repeatedly.

Concerned, hungry, and discouraged

So, it's not in my head. And it's not water retention from my special happy time. It's been a week, and only one pound total.

A week of starving, hormonal disturbances, weakness and fatigue--for one stinking pound. Not worth it, my friend, not worth it.

I just emailed my doc about it. I hope he has a solution to this quandary.

Still not feeling right after yesterday's freak attack. Again, not good.

If anybody wants to call me today, it would be a nice thing. Mark's gone for the count (not his eternal reward, but in Seattle this morning taking a test, followed by coming home and leaving for an eight-hour Safeway shift). And I'm kinda sick and missing adult friend-type conversation. Not that I don't love Anna, of course! You know what I mean.

Diet or illness?

So today was rough. I can't believe how fast my back started really freaking out, as did being hungry and fatigued. But, that was ok, I kept on.

Then, something weird happened. Our last stop was at a rehab center in Poulsbo (surgery, not drug). A friend (and co-worker of Mark's) had knee surgery. We had planned to go see her, and the other stuff got written in.

Anyway, we're there, I'm tired and my back is barking. So after a bit, I said I was sorry to be a party pooper, but I was feeling really poorly and had better go lie down in the car. We said our goodbyes. Then...it hit me. A weird attack of some sort.

All of a sudden, I got violently dizzy and nauseated. I knew if I didn't lie down immediately, I was going to pass out. Thankfully, the other bed in her room was vacant. So I collapsed. A few minutes later, I felt better. Embarrassed as all get out, but better.

The trip home I didn't feel awesome. Hours later I still feel bad. Kind of dizzy and nauseated still. Mark asked if maybe we'd better pull the plug on the diet? I guess that's something to consider if I don't snap out of this soon.

What a day.

Down a little

So no apple day today. Today, however will be difficult. Riding to the big city of Silverdale with my family. Hard on the back, hard on the diet.

I realized this morning--less than two weeks 'til food! 13 days. Bring it on!

A thought

If this plateau doesn't break soon, I'm considering going into stabilization now. There's a chance I've hit the wall and become immune (again) to the hcg. I'll give it another day, then if necessary try an apple day (feh), then if that doesn't work....?

Frustration, they name is plateau.

Hissy fit

WHAT'S WITH THE D&&&&&NED PLATEAU???

I don't like this math

Two weeks from the finish line, should I be getting more hungry and losing less weight?

Oh, no...I'm fine. This three ounces (prior to cooking) of plain chicken and two ounces of cucumber have filled me totally up! Go ahead, have your pizza...I'm good....

Rats

As excited as I was to get into the Decade of A(wesome), I am not happy to still be in the the middle of the "9" three days later.

:? :(

I loathe plateaus

I'm on the clock here, I can't have a big stall! I have 10 pounds left for my goal (on this cycle)! Any delay could ruin that result. Oh well, it is what it is, and I have a 100% clean conscience. In these three (horrid) cycles of hcg, I have never cheated. Not once. Nor on stabilization.

I do look forward to getting these next 10 off. It's been an interesting process. I feel like an archaeologist, unearthing remnants of a once great civilization....

Oh yeah

As much as I loathe plateaus, I checked my fasting blood sugar again--still under 90! Amazing, for me.

Did I mention I can eat again in two weeks, two days? I'm just saying.

Another plateau!

Feh.

Two weeks, two days 'til food.

One line blog entries

16 days 'til food--but who's counting?

I realized....

It appears I'm 2/3 done with my weight loss goal. Sweet!

.2 (feh)

However, it does put me in the Decade of Awesome!

20#

Reached the 20 pound mark this cycle. Ok, one more time, I wish part of that wasn't re-losing surgery weight (grumble grumble). :) But even so. 20! I'm as low as I've been for many a year.

15 days 'til last injection (the weight that "counts"). 18 days 'til food!

Yes, it's the end of my special water retaining time

But even so, 1.4. Booyah! 19# down. 908 to go.

Sandra, how have you lost so much weight?

(I get asked this.)

Three things: discipline, misery, and hcg.

Stats update

20 days 'til food.
17 days 'til last injection.
18.2 pounds down this cycle.
Hoping for 12 more (but probably won't make it).

.6

Meh.

20 days 'til food!

I can't wait. I'm so fatigued, I should get some sort of citation from the energy police. Only .4 today. But hey, it's better than gaining .4. There you go: something good to say about this cycle. I've not gone up once. Flatlined, yes (along with my energy level). Gone up, no.

Oddly enough, I've been buying stuff for Mark and Anna we almost never have in the house (namely, snack foods). Good sales on stuff like Goldfish crackers (yuck for me, but it's how they roll), Halloween candy, etc. Even buying a little...gasp...processed food (normally verboten in there here parts).

I think the biggest reason is my fatigue. This diet, though so very low in calories it's obscene, takes a lot of prep. And it takes energy, which I may have mentioned a time or two, I have none. I go to sleep at 8, people. Pity me.

So anyway, it's just easier to buy stuff. And partly I'm feeling like I'm falling into my mom's horrid practice of providing food for comfort. I feel guilty my surgery didn't work and I'm still a lump. I feel guilty I can't make all my usual nourishing healthy stuff for them. So I buy them junk food. I'm like some sort of weird food pimp.

Hungry!

The increasing of protein (by an ounce) may be helping a little but, but it's sure not curing the gnawing hunger and insidious fatigue. Today I was so worn out (and my back was screaming) after Anna's dance, I marched into the Pizza Factory with her and got her a small item to go (she felt she'd died and gone to heaven). Then I felt I'd died and gone to hell smelling it all the way home.

Three weeks. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Worth the frostquake

1.2#! Sweet. Just 3andchange pounds above Decade of A (A for Awesome).

It's all coming back to me now

I had my first night of violent shivering. Not fun! Then I woke up later, piled in blankets, soaked in sweat. I guess it's practice for menopause?

I do remember the doc saying the shivering at night thing happens as part of losing a lot of weight fast. And I also remember it goes away immediately at stabilization. Which is three weeks, one day away. Today is the halfway mark. Thank the Lord in Heaven!

3 Weeks Today

And I've lived! 15.8#. Three weeks, two days to go. Tomorrow will be halfway. Huzzah!

Grrrrrr

Plateaus suck.