Today....

...marks ONE MONTH 'til food!

2.8

...for the WEEK. That is so wrong. And no, I didn't make it to the goal--by quite a lot, actually.

So I'm trying another apple day. The results weren't spectacular last time, but maybe it will work this time.

Definitely getting frustrated with this round.

Three weeks today

Will I make the goal of what is "expected" (5# per week)? Doubt it. I'd have to have a big jump from yesterday.

I don't know why this time seems harder. Maybe it feels that way every time. Or maybe it's because I've done this diet so freaking much over the last year. I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I'm tired of missing feasts and fun. And I'm tired of the weight loss being choppy and sluggish and not doing what it's "supposed to do." I'm just tired, I guess. I just want to be a normal person. Normal people don't know they're normal. But trust me, as someone who's decidedly not, I know the difference.

I'll let you know later when I weigh and find out the big total. Thursday will mark the halfway mark. I'm rather dreading Anna's birthday party and both Mark's and Anna's birthdays coming up. It's not fun to not be able to eat at parties. But there's one cardinal truth that keeps me going: one meal off=one week of weight loss destroyed. I've seen it with everybody who's cheated on this diet. That's not going to be me.

.8 (in a bad way)

I loathe precipitous jumps. I'm mostly sure it's hormonally fueled, but even so...sucks.

30 days 'til food. I can't wait! It's a long time to be hungry, though. This last three weeks has felt like three months.

Have I mentioned this diet is difficult?

1#

Yay! Still sluggish overall, but at least it's going in the right direction (today). Total this cycle of #12.4. I did the math and next Thursday will mark the halfway mark. Does it seem slow to anybody else?

oh yeah

I came up with a new recipe: mockos (like tacos with an m). Lettuce cups instead of shells, ground beef, onions, tomatoes. It's actually good. Too bad it's such a small portion!

.8

But it's really .2 because of the rogue .6 gain yesterday. So this week I've lost about 0. Sigh. Mark made a good point, though, even with the sluggish 3# per week loss, at the end of five more weeks, that'd be 15 more pounds, for a total of 25#, very close to my Big Goal (not that I'll be done). That would be...acceptable, I suppose. I do hope things pick up soon, though. I'm feeling vexed, hungry, and frustrated with the diet.

I realized I've eaten on this extreme part of the diet for six of the last 11 months. Yep, that sucks!

Irish soda bread baking. Smells heavenly. I do remind myself that even when I'm on maintenance, I don't often get to eat it anyhow. I hope the new doctor can help my metabolism.

I baked

I baked chocolate chip muffins. Boy, do they smell good. Masochist? Maybe. But it's snowy, and the fire is cozy, and I am worrying about Mark's drive home. So I baked, ok?

Anna fell upon a muffin and pronounced it "awesome."

The side effects of the hcg have reminded me of their presence: painfully dry and cracked skin, a line of bruises up my leg, chills at night, and my favorite, shooting sudden pains in my calves when I take a step.

Is being fat so bad?

Never too early to start a good worry

My trip to Arizona for surgery this summer is pretty much set. We're making the reservations for 10 days, with the assumption of two surgeries (L 3/4 and L 4/5). There is a chance they'll only do one, and in that case, we'll do what we can to come home early (Redeye, anyone?). What I'm worried about the most at the moment is weight gain. I gained 10# last time. It's HARD to eat my particular variety of non-food food, both when traveling, and when recuperating. And I despite re-losing weight when for me it'd be easier to split an atom with the power of my mind.

Yeah, I'm worried about everything else, too. I've been working so hard at building my strength back up from the last surgery. Knowing I'm running like hell toward a cliff, it's just not that fun.

I hate it when this happens

I GAINED .6.

Boggles the mind. I find it very discouraging and depressing. This cycle has sucked.

Tired of being hungry!

It irks me to no end to see all the press saying you won't be hungry. Or you'll have, "Mild hunger that passes by the second week." What a crock!

I know I'll live, but it's tough being hungry, especially on these days when Mark's gone the entire day (16 hours). I get extra tired, my back hurts more, and I just want to eat.

Ho hum

.4. See what I'm saying? Choppy.

Need a cheering section!

So tired of being hungry. I sure do hope the new supplement both arrives and helps. Five more weeks feels like so very long. Meals with the whole family are tough. I do not expect them to suffer along with me and indeed I buy and make tasty tasty things. But sometimes when I'm physically weak and hungry, it's just not a good feeling.

But I can do this. How do I know? 94 pounds, one year, many, many feasts I've chosen to forgo.

Apple day

One eats nothing but apples, up to a total of six. That's it. It sounds better than it is! I thought I'd not be hungry, but I was most of the day. By the fifth apple (didn't make it to six), I was rather gagging it down.

Well, two weeks in the books. 10.8#. Not bad, I know. But this cycle is choppier. I'm thinking there's a good chance I could have used more time between. But with our life schedule this spring, now was the time.

My next one after this won't be at least for five or six months. And maybe never. And maybe in a year. I'm keeping my options open. If I could keep up the pace, I'd get that 25# off I'm hoping for. Guess we'll see in five weeks! I'm so worried about gaining back on my surgery this July. That would not be a good thing.

Apple day results

...not as impressive as a steak day result: 1.4.

Meh.

My first apple day

I must say, I'm not too impressed.

Stupid diet

.6 over two days. That's .3 a day. NOT .7 a day.

Starving all the time, and weight loss is lame. I'm not having a good time. It's miserable and expensive, and I'm doing everything right--I WANT RESULTS, darn it!

Hungry :(

I'm starving. This is not good. I so want to quit. The fourth time in under a year (11 months)...it's a lot. Today didn't help my enthusiasm; I've hit another plateau already.

Hmmmm

Tonight I have an unanticipated "night off." Anna has overnight plans with one of her favorite families. Sadly, Mark is working. So s'just me and the pets.

Normally, if I found myself with "me time," I'd eat. Yep, I would. Not continually, mind you, but I'd plan a special meal (usually involving ice cream). That's not to be this time, and I feel a little bummed about it. No Mark, no meal, just a cup of tea and quiet.

I guess this is not my first rodeo. Over the past year I've had to relearn how to do tons and tons of foodcentric things; I just don't enjoy the learning process.

I suppose how tonight goes is up to me (and truly, I could really use the rest): will I choose to view it as loneliness or solitude?

Drooling like my labradors

I made Irish Soda Bread today.

Enough said.

Next decade achieved!

Yay! Took long enough (grumble), but I'm here now. Two months exactly (as exact as I can be right now) before I can have bacon and chocolate. Five weeks 'til cheese.

.4

Mmmmm. Still losing, though. I can't seem to find the supplement I need in town, have to order--bummer.

Less than a pound above the next "decade."

I'd like some whine with my dinner

Crikey, I'm so sore, tired, and hungry. My dinner seemed to be air. The supplement my doc prescribed isn't available around here; I'll have to order it. I need to leave for a board meeting in a few minutes, and I'm just worn out and my back is in bad shape (ok, worse than usual). If it wasn't five minutes there and back, I'd not be able to make it.

What I want to do is have some cake (or ice cream) and lay on the couch for the night. Read my book. Watch some tv.

But it's not to be, sadly. I'm sure tomorrow will be better, but tonight ain't it.

Ok, one more

I'm apparently quite dedicated to NOT getting off the couch and onto more business (my back is hurting somethin' awful).

But anyway, I'm at about 90# now. Hard to believe. Where did I put it? It's not like I'm THIN now! Mark thinks my organs must have been horribly squished.

Food Network

A random thought before I hoist myself off the couch and try to do something helpful for my aching back.

I like Food Network a lot. I like many of the shows, many of the hosts, and I like how it's raised the level of what people eat nationwide. My husband's worked in grocery for nigh on 20 years and he's noticed a decided improvement in what people buy and prepare since FN became prominent several years ago.

Something else I like about them: you don't have to be Chef Barbie to be a successful host. I graduated with a degree in Mass Communication. In broadcasting, I only ever did radio. Mostly 'cause I loved it, but partly because there was virtually no chance a full figured gal could have a valid shot on doing anything on tv 20 years ago (Good Lord; I graduated 20 years ago? Ok, almost 19. Even so...).

FN has a number of full figured hosts, including my girl Sunny Anderson, as well as Aarti S. and Anne B. I think there are more. It's refreshing to me and I say: Kudos to you, Food Network. Keep up the good work!

Promising

The new doc seems to be da bomb. I like her. She does more than scratch her head when I have a problem. She's experienced in both natural medicine and the HCG protocol. Works for me! I'm feeling optimistic. Hope it pans out!

We tweaked a few minor things and will see how it goes. She even has plans and ideas for me on stabilization and mainteance--wooooooot! She even thinks she can help my body deal with whole grain breads and pastas when I'm done with the program. Can you imagine?!

Surely time will tell, but for right now, I'm happy and hopeful.

Woot

A big jump down (1.6). I tinkered yesterday (didn't follow my ex's advice, but did it old style, with slight tweaks) and took an extra shot at my new doc's advisement. Worked! I'm on my way now to see her to get the other homeopathic meds she says really work wonders. Yay! Fingers crossed.

I'm still not where I "should" be (I'd be well into the next decade, hell bent for leather), but it's progress, which I'll take right now.

Slow

Rolled my eyes at the piddly (not even worth recording) weight loss. No big jump down after the plateau. But, the new doc does have ideas and things to try; I have an appt. with her in the morning.

Not good

.2. Yes, yesterday was 0.0. Today .2. Why? I don't know. I told Mark this morning, it just feels like it goes against the universe--to do everything right and still fail. And no, there's no hormonal intervention at play yet.

I'm going to email the new doctor; hope she a) emails me back b) has any clue about what's going on.

Pity party

I want to have a cupcake at church. And have pizza for lunch. And have health and energy to take the dogs to the beach.

Tired of being a freak.

Meh

I'm just not stoked about this round. I don't think it bodes well that the first week, which is supposed to be awesome (before the plateauing disappointment sets in), I've not lost much. And I've been way hungry all the time. :(

1.4 over two days (during the first week I say again): meh.

I don't want to do this.

This diet will break your heart

Day 5: plateau already.

Whining

I helped Anna make some Irish soda bread. The smell of it baking is torturous.

Sigh

I was making Anna's lunch today. There's a little bit of my "loading" food leftover from last weekend. So I put some fresh veggies and dip on her plate, and included a small handful of the chips. For a second, I so wanted to eat the chips and dip myself.

Didn't.

My salad for lunch does not float my boat.

I'm tired of being hungry all the time.

Day 5

2# today. Woot! I'm now down to my LIW. So, hopefully tomorrow I'll move beyond. 25# for my BIG GOAL. After that it's all gravy, I mean, low calorie celery.

What I'm thinking about

Cupcakes.

.6: That's IT?

It's too soon for the big slow down! Arrrggghhhhh! One is supposed to lose a lot (7-8) the first week. I've not even cleared a pound yet.

Grrrrr. Have I ever mentioned I hate this diet?

Amen and amen

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."

-James Gordon

I think that is so profound. So many overweight women think they want to follow me down this path to weight loss. I'll say it again: no, you don't. After a year of this, I can speak with authority: it's not a quick fix. Unless you get your food control issues under control, don't do it. This is medical weight loss. I think it's really only for people who can't lose any other way. If you're fat 'cause you eat like a horse, this is not the diet for you.

I was telling Mark tonight as awful as I feel, next month I'll have reached my major goal for weight loss. "Usually I have to suffer without a reward, so this is great!"

Oddly enough....

...even after my small salad for dinner, I still feel hungry.

Update

5 shots down. 35 to go. Wishing it was 35 consecutive days.

Why?

Ever have one of those days where two days into a strict diet you receive a surprise package of hand-crafted gourmet truffles in the mail?

Day 3: Broke even +.2

I like the way this is trending! So I'm officially down .2. I can live with that.

Thus far, the redistribution of protein (and small increase in calories) is working, at least as far as the extreme fatigue I suffered before. I know it's really too soon to know anything. The first week is odd. The loading weight (and the loading itself), the fast weight loss, the constant need to potty, the adjustment as one's body processes the medication and begins to burn just stored fat (not comfortable, I assure you), followed by the inevitable brick wall plateau at the end of the week.

So fun.

Day 2

Down 3.2; still in the red 3.4! I think this time does seem a little better so far. Yeah, I'm hungry. But I'm not so weak I can barely get around. I'm hopeful the new distribution of proteins and calories is the ticket for me.

In a couple of weeks (at most) I'll be down below my last LIW. Maybe even in a week. That will be cool.

More thoughts

Mark and Anna are at Costco, so it's just me--me and my empty tummy and sore back. So I've got spare time. I have a chiropractor appt. this afternoon, and I need to lie low after my appointments.

Anyway, here's the deal. The first few days of every cycle are lousy because there's no weight loss yet, just misery. Indeed, there's weight GAIN to contend with because of the weird phenomenon of loading. The first three times I gained 4# on loading. This time I must have broken some kind of record because I gained--wait for it--7#. I laughed (sort of a maniacal, slightly unbalanced laugh, but a laugh nonetheless). I know it will be gone quickly, but even so. SEVEN? I had a ton of salt, so I'm sure that's the bulk of it (pun intended).

But yeah. The first few days, epic hunger, weight gain, not loss, and a gaping maw of time stretched out before you. Good times.

Oh yes, it's coming back to me now

Call me a whiner, but I'm not that excited about being hungry for two straight months. :( I keep reminding myself to keep my eye on the prize. But right now I'm not feeling very gracious, inspirational, or inspired. I just feel hungry and grumpy.

I bump into the same walls of the maze: it's not a good time, but it's the only time I can do it. Things were rough for me with Mark's new schedule. Not prohibitive, but it took all my powers to keep all the plates spinning. Now, I'm worried about this new wrinkle.

On the good side (however small it seems right now), I'll be done next month. Sure, the last day or two of March (stabilization, not totally done). Sandra math can really work that angle. Want to hear it?

I'm done next month. February is short. So it's like it's only a couple of weeks 'til March. And I'm done in March. So, really, I only have a couple of weeks left. Not eight.

So it begins

Day 1. Again. I'll admit, I feel a little bit like Frodo with the ring. There's a part of me that says, "I can't do this."

Loading Day 2

Loading night 2, actually. So tonight I'm slathering myself in lotion and having little bereavements every time I do something I won't be able to do for three months--like put cream in my tea.

1 shot down, 39 to go

Too bad it's not 39 consecutive days. The diet happens whether or not it's a shot day. So it's 40 shots, plus one day off a week, plus five or six days off in the middle, then it's two more days after the last shot.

So it's essentially eight weeks of torture.

But I might be able to see if I have a collarbone at the end of it. Worth the price of admission right there.

LD 1: Meh

So today my body picks to be vaguely nauseated. I don't know if it's the meds, or just free roaming nausea. It's quite a buzzkill on the food fest.

Hope it improves. I had a good plan and everything! To avoid getting sick like last time, I figured small portions, but big variety. It's hard to stuff when I'm used to eating (fairly) light.

The getting started part sucks on toast for the diet. Looking forward to the weight going away part.

A thought worth sharing (I hope)

I just was emailing somebody about how tomorrow's the first injection and again, how the two months of starvation and Olympic class fatigue sucks. But I also noted if all goes alright, I'll be 30 more pounds lighter in two months, so I can live with the misery for a good cause.

Pray for me, will you? Thanks...

Tomorrow's the big day

I'm a little freaked out about it, really. I have angst it won't work. Feeling a bit adrift with my doc quitting. He was always good about answering questions quickly. The new doc only comes to town twice a week and doesn't provide the same access.

I have to admit I cringe when I think about how starving and weak I have been on the cycles. And this one's a full out long cycle--nearly eight weeks. And frankly, stabilization is no picnic either. It's three months from Monday before I can eat again. It's not a fun time. Couple that with Mark's crazy schedule and I feel unsettled at best.

In the short term, I'm looking very much forward to loading this weekend. :)

Life's ups and downs

Yesterday I wrote a post where I was steaming mad. I'm not steaming mad now, so let me recap (I did take the post down; if you want to see it for some reason, email me, and I'll send it to you.). My doctor is quitting his practice (again). There is a replacement doctor. They did not inform the hcg patients the new doctor has a different protocol. I called two days before starting (as always), to arrange to pick up my meds, and was informed I could not.

The new doctor insists upon new and more appointments (I already had an appointment with my now-former doctor to launch this new cycle), and a two week pre-program protocol. So, I freaked. All I could think of was how I'd not be able to start the cycle now, that I'd have to wait a month, and how that would mess everything up (already backdated vacation plans, etc.). And the added expense.

I was angry at pretty much everybody concerned, especially my former, and forced new, doctors. The receptionist said if I wanted to do it at all, there was no choice but to come in and have an appointment. I argued my points (of which there were many) again and again: no dice. Who likes to feel bullied and powerless? I could not talk to Mark (who's not contactable at his school unless case of dire emergency). I felt more mad.

I decided to go in and see, as the receptionst told me everybody in my situation is mad (and she wishes TPTB would let people know in advance so everybody would not be mad at her--fair enough--and be prepared). She said somebody else had gotten a special dispensation to do the old protocol.

So I prayed like mad, and went in, hoping for the best (but expecting the worst). It went fine. I was allowed to pick up my meds (as this is my fourth cycle) and do it the old style. We agreed if I did another cycle after this one that I'd do it her style (which I can see already has merits).

I wish they had of been considerate to all and sent out a message saying if you intend to do the program, even if you're a veteran, that the new doctor must see you and she has a different way of doing things--a way that involves two weeks prep. I would have been mad, yes, but I would have done it and not felt like the rug was ripped out from under me. I even regret the timing as her protocol sounds like it might be better for me in the long run. But I don't feel like I can spare the extra month with our trip to Texas coming up almost immediately after I stabilize.

So, now you know. Up .4 today, but I'm NOT freaking out. I didn't eat anything off program, and sometimes these things happen.

Loading tomorrow. I'm still worried about doing this diet during Mark's teaching. Despite using all my super powers of planning and organization, this week has been hard. I fear trying to manage all feeling as bad as I do on the program. But as I said before, if it's a nightmare and it's harming my family life, I'll abort the mission after a short program. 15-20 pounds is, if you'll pardon the pun, huge at this stage of my program.

Fully back in the zone again

Phew! Ok, new resolution for the year: try not to freak out when my weight bubbles up. I fully know I can't eat like a Normal. Wish I could. Even a healthy normal! Is it too much to wish I could have whole grain toast at breakfast?

But I can't. Not yet. I have hopes for the future, that as I work this program, in time my metabolism will improve.

Two days 'til my first injection. Four days 'til the diet from hell starts again. The latter makes me want to curl up in a ball on the floor and wail. I have concerns about the timing--during Mark's student teaching while working at Safeway thing? It's starting out very difficult on my body (chronic pain and fatigue issues) without the extreme diet.

Hmmmm. If it's too bad, I guess I can do a short program. Is nothing easy in life?

Coming down

Down two more today. I'm very close to the zone. I thought about doing another SD today, but I'm going to check the scale tomorrow and possibly do one then.

Loading Saturday!

It was 8, not 7

I looked at my sheet again. Holy cow, that's bad. So the steak day only got rid of 3. Sigh. Perhaps one more tomorrow.

Golly, I dislike them.

I wonder if it's worth the palaver, given I'm going on loading Saturday?