It's Pensive Friday (How are you celebrating this little known holiday?)

Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape. --Charles Dickens

I'll have mine with an angioplasty...

Too. Many. Carbs.

Managing to hang on

The last day or so has been ROUGH sticking with the scarb-free. Thankfully, tomorrow is planned carb. About 200 times today I almost said, "Screw it," but didn't. I called upon my Kung Fu Panda wisdom: The cup I seek to fill has no bottom.

I've been thinking about my next hcg cycle (January). I got a cool looking library book about the diet; I'm hoping to find some good insights. I totally hope this next cycle both works and stabilizes. It's not an exaggeration to say the day I quit the hcg last time I started gaining. Unfair.

Feeling a bit blue as something made me realize it was 20 years ago that my back went berserk, forever changing my life. I had started developing health problems shortly before that time.

20 years is a long time. Who would I have been?

I want to be a carbitarian

But, that's not my life. So I'm still doing pretty well on making sure as many days as comfortably and realistically possible contain no simple (useless) carbs, or scarbs. This week I have five such days planned.

I wish I could say it makes me lose weight. But, it does slow the rate of gain significantly.

I have a doc appt. soon to ask about getting a hormone check. Who knows, maybe something could show up?

Could happen.

Scarb free

Going for another couple of days of it. I made it two days last week. A friend brought us from chocolate macadamia nuts from Hawaii, and I almost had some when Mark and Anna were having some with lunch. But I didn't.

Ok, more forward motion

I have a plan with the hcg doc now. The plan is to start the program right after our vacation the first week of January. I printed out the price list to try and prevent getting jacked around again and drastically overcharged. I'm still mad about that. :(

I'm also going to make an appt. with my other doctor, to get my thyroid reevaluated. Nobody should gain weight as fast as I do.

Ok, it's true confessions time. Those of you who are my friends might find this shocking. I've never told anyone about this, outside the house. But I like...I like...star charts. Not the astrology kind, the kind where you put stars for little kids every time they use the potty, etc.

For years I've put stars on my calendar to denote days I exercise. It's been pretty starless lately. But I decided to reformat it and use that for days I go scarb (simple carb) free. Maybe it's child like, but it works for me. I find it encouraging.

Two days scarb free

Yay! It feels good to be making those choices again (and not to have life throwing grenades at my feet, making it difficult to do).

Today is a new day

I realized this morning, today is a fresh, baby day. I've been struggling with eating just too many carbs. Yes, we've kept all the healthy stuff in there (lots of produce and protein), but the carbs have been there too. And that's not working for me.

I jest not when I say I still gain even when I'm not eating simple carbs (scarbs), it just slows the rate of gain. But that is better than now, where the gain is happening quickly.

My body does this. It's murder to get weight off. It'd be easier to split atoms with the power of my mind. But as soon as I stop the rigid weight loss diets (or even before), the weight starts to come back, often with alarming speed.

I hoped so dearly that hcg was the answer for me. :( I suppose it still could be and because of bad advice from doctors I did too much. But at this point? To still be gaining and not have stabilized? It's certainly not a *good* sign.

My plan is to try one more round right after the holidays. I am hoping it's been long enough without the meds and diet, and maybe this time it will again work properly and stabilize properly. And if it doesn't...? We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

But as for today, it's a new day. I have healthy, simple-carb free food planned. It's been a long time since I've gone a day without them. I want today to be that day.

At least I have a plan

Ok, I know. I always have a plan. But, approximately .0006% of them work out! So it's totally worth it.

Ok, weight loss/maintenance plan. First of all, this is totally contingent upon me maintaining. Which never seems to happen. But I'm trying willing it to happen. So, for the sake of argument, let's just say it's going to happen.

I plan on doing another hcg in January. I am hoping and believing since it's been a long time since I've had the meds, it will work right again. And that stabilization and maintenance will actually work this time.

Then, I hold. Even if it means doing a darn steak day once a week to get my weight to hold, I will do it. That's my plan.

Then, a year later, I do it again. Repeat above.

Then, I may be done? Or not? I just don't know.