Happy Pants

Wearing some pants I bought awhile back (sale during a weight loss season), but never made it into them.

Cool!

Day 17: 1#

Over two days, though. Not that thrilling. I'll take it, though, since it's all I got. Well, I miscalculated. It's not next Thursday I get to eat again, it's next Wednesday!

One week 'til cheese and cream. Moooooo!

Feeling Discouraged

So we got charged $35 for five days' worth to finish the course. Why they don't include enough for the whole course in the bottle is beyond me. But I do know I feel like I'm being ripped off.

Six months ago the entire seven week course cost under $500. Now it's about that for a three week course. That's too steep for what is maybe a 15 pound loss. It feels like they're taking advantage.

I'm going to look for other places that carry the supplies. If not, I don't know. After the first cycle, eventually I was losing on my own. Maybe I'll hope for the best.

But I do know I'm going to cancel my appt. for Thursday. I think they've gotten enough of my money lately.

.2 Feh

That bums me out. While last time when there was sluggish loss, it'd often be followed by something spectacular, like 2#. Not this cycle. It's been sluggish to moderate the whole time.

I know losing the weight is, on the whole, a good thing. But the cost is so high. I'm tired of feeling so crappy. The first half of this cycle I felt sickly and emotionally wasted. Now emotionally I feel ok, but wan and sickly.

Nine more days until I can eat properly again and start building myself up for surgery. These cycles are such a drag I'm actually happy that I don't have to do this again (and that I have no choice) until October. What's a little spinal surgery?

Day 16: Nine Days 'til Cheese

Woo hoo! I can't wait. I think it's because before, the cycle was so long (seven weeks), it didn't feel this long early on (after the initial crisis). Now, with it being three weeks (23 days), the individual days feel longer!

Mark and Anna are having peanut butter toast (one of my all time favorite breakfast foods), and the smell is torturous.

Day 15: .6

I can live with it. If I make it to X-11* this round, I'll be quite satisfied. It's not uber likely, as that leaves seven more pounds in a week. But we'll see.

*I'm now in the Decade Below X. If I make it over the next hump, I'll be two decades below x, if just barely.

More soon. I'm a hurtin' unit, as we'd say in the 80s.

Day 14: .8

Tired of the diet. This two weeks has seemed long. One more to go 'til the last injection (then three days beyond that following the diet).

This weekend has been long and at times, difficult. Physically I'm wasted. More back pain than should be allowed. Mark and Anna are on a walk with the dogs and I'm enjoying the quiet for my stretched nerves.

Another foodcentric event survived. It's not like I'm ever truly tempted to cheat on the diet, but that doesn't mean I don't feel snarky about the need to be on this extreme program.

Well, I'll end this now. I've felt like a gibbering idiot today. People ask me things and I don't make sense when I answer. Glad the dance is now on hiatus (as is regular violin lessons). I have an unholy amount of things to do before my surgery (six weeks--ack!) and having time to do them, as well as an absence of "must be there at x o'clock"s is welcome. Hoping to have some good R&R with family and friends this summer.

Oh yeah, I'm down 4# below X. Turned out to be less exciting than I anticipated. :)

BTW

Today marks the 60# mark. I still feel fat. Do I look less fat? Perhaps, chubby, as opposed to fat?

Day 13: A Long Two Weeks

This diet session hasn't gone as I'd hoped. Rather glad I have but eight more injections (11 more days of diet) before stabilization. With the results being so ho-hummy, I wish now I'd just continued as I was, happily losing about a pound per week while able to have carbs a couple of times per week. But, who knew?

Yesterday was Anna's recital day (day one of two). It's a long and tiring day, but nice. It's another foodcentric event I've had to plow through. It's funny how many events are tied to food for me. The day is fatiguing and that makes me all the more hungry. But, I did get through. Rather not looking forward to today. I'm twice as sore and feel twice as hungry!

I realized with horror late last night I had eaten up my asparagus, beef, strawberries, and tomatoes. That is not good for even coming remotely close to getting enough calories in today. Oy. I was so busy getting stuff ready for Anna, I forgot about that part. I'm sure I'll work it out one way or the other.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my mom's death. That sucks. I miss her every day. Yesterday, out of habit, I grabbed for my cell phone, instinctively starting to do what I'd done every year, which is call her during one of the long stretches of time we parents inevitably have during recital weekend.

I'd say the whole day was emotional given both the pending anniversary, and the fact this year Anna has started to separate herself more from us, preferring to hang out with her dancer friends. She didn't do anything wrong. She was just having fun. A number of moms and I commiserated as we're all going through the same thing this weekend. The other years our little ballerinas were never far from pulling on our pant legs. This year...not. They're a nice group of girls, for sure. But I'm just not ready to be surplussed just yet! I asked Mark if maybe we want to reconsider the whole "no more babies" thing. But I guess we'll cross that bridge after my surgery. And it'd happen anyway, even if we stretched it out with another child. It happens to us all.

When I'm healthier, though, I'm going to be more involved with the running of the show. I want to be there even if on the surface I'm no longer needed to be there.

So, the day was emotional. I was hungry, I missed my mom, and I felt like my mommy skills were superfluous. But, also, there was something else. We had beloved friends come to cheer Anna on, which means so much to me. So while my tummy was empty, my heart was full.

Day 12 Addendum

Lost 1#. Made an appt. with the doc to talk face to face. For right now, I'm going to hang in there. If something changes, I may transition to stabilization, but I'm going to forge ahead. I don't quit easily.

Day 12: Thinking

I emailed the doc about my symptoms. His answer was a bit...disheartening. He suggests I abort the mission and go to stabilization now. He thinks I'm perhaps immune to the hcg, so it's not working well. He's concerned about my fatigue and other symptoms.

Last cycle, when I asked how long of a lay off people need between shots, he said three weeks. The book says six. I was off them eight. So...?

I don't want to stop it now, not after all this. I was doing very well in maintenance, even losing on my own! It makes me unhappy to think of spending the money, going through all this, then quitting before even two weeks are up. I was so hoping the solution would be switch bottles, take more--something like that.

So I'm thinking about it. I could use some input.

Day 11: Pergatory

At least, that's what it's feeling like. A mere .6. I know that doesn't sound bad in and of itself, but my weight loss is a mere 7# in almost two weeks. And that includes the impressive weight loss at the beginning. I don't get it, and I only have 10 days left. At this point, it doesn't even look like I'll make the 15 "promised" pounds. Which I likewise don't get because I have so much to lose. Should it not be faster?

My energy is bad. Yesterday started fine. Did school, ran an errand, got the house up to date, and went to a friend's house. All good. Upon getting to dance class, though, things started taking a rapid nose dive. By the time class was over, I was in a lot of pain, and dragging. Then I had to walk with Anna about 55 miles to the dance shop to pick up new tights, stop by QFC (awesome sale on organic fruit this week, FYI), and run by the Farmer's Market to pick up our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) box.

Got home right before 7 and I thought I was gonna die. Barely got myself fed* and literally laid down the entire evening. I kept thinking the pain and fatigue would ebb, but they didn't. And then...AND THEN I COULDN'T SLEEP!

And this morning is not much better. I feel a whole body weakness and sagging of spirit. Feeling a dread like grim death for the next several days of activity. Anna's dance weekend, Anna's debut of her Children's Church program (which she needs a parent's help, at least at first), etc. I fear the starving/wan weakness while being at the Fort for six hours per day. Can't just get through by feeding myself constantly. I wonder if the anniversary of my mother's death (this Saturday) is psychically treating me like a paddle ball.

Not understanding how this cycle is so much different (so it feels) from the last. All my tricks of the trade have been found wanting. I find myself wondering if thin and healthy will never happen for me. Maybe it's not my path.

*I confess. I bought Anna a take out dinner. She wouldn't have been happier if I had of taken her to Europe. It's been months since she's had take out. The smell was killing me as it wafted from the back seat.

Day 10: .8 (A little better)

Well, the increasing my food/adding tomatoes and beef helped. Both with my weight loss and with energy level. I'm feeling sad I'm almost halfway through this session and my weight loss is a meagre seven pounds.

How can I maximize the session when my body keeps changing its rules?

Hoping Tomorrow is Better

I had tomatoes and beef with dinner. It was soooo good! I'm hoping to "shock and awe" my system. Those foods are, of course, on the diet, but I was avoiding them as part of my master plan (which wasn't working well).

So I guess we'll see tomorrow!

This just seems to be part of life. No matter how hard you try on something, most outcomes are out of your control. I hate that! And it does make me worry about my future weight.

This is the point where I've stalled every time I've lost a lot of weight. I'll hover here for awhile, then shoot up, no matter how healthfully I'm eating. And now I'm scared there's no way out of this loop.

Day 9: All My Plans...

Sigh. I really, really, really thought I had this locked down. All the accumulated knowledge from last time (which was not very long ago) has amounted, this time, to a whole lot of nothing. :(

.4 with 12 more injections to go.

I'm been at X.? for three days now. QUITE disappointing and perplexing. This time I've felt so weird and miserable, which I could almost smile and wink at if the weight loss was what it "should" be. Even people who want to lose just 15 pounds are promised a 15 pound loss during a short session. And while I had illusions of 20#, 15 would be just fine.

At this rate, it won't even be close. And there's nothing more I can do. Believe me, I've looked.

Day 8: Not Bueno

I should not have complained about .6 when .2 is so much worse! Especially after suffering through watching everybody eat cake, steak, donuts, popcorn, chocolate, and root beer yesterday (darned holidays!).

Amen

"Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain."
-HK

I Remember This Part Now

It sucks to do this diet on holidays. And the drive in, too.

Yuck.

Day 7: Meh

.6 today. Kinda bums me out a bit. A slow this early...not so good. I know in the past when I've had sluggish weight loss, many times the next morning it's generous. I guess I'll see tomorrow.

I hurt my knee a couple of weeks ago and re-tweaked it yesterday trying to get something out from under my bed. Now I'm more hobbly today.

But it's Father's Day so I'll rally. Mark is on his way home from fishing. Time to bake his favorite rhubarb cake. This afternoon bbq (my dad's coming over). Tonight: Shrek at my happy place (the drive in).

Life is good.

Hanging In

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." HK

In case you've not noticed, Helen Keller is a big hero of mine. No, of course I don't think I'm made of anything like she was. But she inspires me to keep trying to be the best I can be, even though health (etc.) is difficult.

Feeling so fatigued, it's irritating. I'm used to fatigue being with me daily in varying degrees. The HCG is fatigue in a bottle for me. But, I'm six days in already. Feels slow, but I know it's not really. And in a few weeks when I'm gleefully putting cream in my tea, I'll be happy. As my pal said, "You won't regret this." And I won't. But right now when I'm starving, weak, and feeling like an emotional cripple, I kinda do. :-)

Day 6: 1#

Ok, I can live with that. A pound a day for another 18 days would be nice.

The hunger is hard to bear, though. Last night after Anna's rehearsal we walked by the Pizza Factory on the way to the car. It was not easy.

Between the gnawing hunger, the weird hormonal stuff (which causes me to be emotionally jumbled up), and the aches and pains, I'm not having fun.

But it's big picture time, even though right now the part of the picture I can see in front of my face is not a pretty one.

Not All Bad

The good news about being so worn out from the diet and shots the other day and needing to go to bed at 9:00 was I got to hear Aaron Copeland's Appalachian Spring in its entirety!

Day 5: 1#

Again, I'm greedy and hoped for more. The weight loss this week, including the 4# gained on loading, is nearly 8#. The net loss this cycle is 4#. So that's pretty cool. A couple of pounds above X.

Then...the decade below X. Which I've not seen much, if anything of, since the 90s.

Still feeling poorly, though.

This is Worth It

But it's hard. I just feel lousy. The fatigue, the headaches, the hormonal stuff--it's just not fun (surprise!). I know it's worth it. And as my friend said, when I was grousing about it, I won't regret doing this.

But, it's sucky. Like being sick, there's never a "good" time to do it, but right now is tough with a lot of activities (recital season) and stress. And I notice I'm not handing stress well (No wise cracks, ok?!).

S'ok. I'll make it. And I won't regret it.

Update

54 pounds gone. I've officially lost more than ever before. I guess it need not bother me overmuch I've never needed to lose quite this much before! Even so. 54 pounds ain't nuthin'. And it's been hard won.

Day 4: 2.2!

Yay! I'm 3 or so pounds above X now. The first week weight loss makes up for the constant discomfort of what the potion does to your body. :)

Last night was rough. I've had a lot of extra pain this week, and taking Anna to dance put my back over the edge. I almost didn't go to the meeting last night because I was so exhausted and sore. But I decided since I'd be gone by necessity in August, plus the meeting was five minutes from my house, I'd better just go.

Soon as I got home, though, put myself to bed at the same time as Anna.

Looking forward to the hcg headaches leaving, as well as the shivering and pottying at night. I finally get warm in bed, and then--oh no--I have to get up again! Grrr.

Worth it, though. I'll make it. Easier to buck up when it's only 20 days 'til stabilization. If it weren't for the time crunch of my surgery, I'd probably suck it up and do a long program again. But, as of now, the short program is taxing enough!

Lands' End was out of the pants I wanted!

A Luxury Problem

I'm needing to order new pants! I'd hoped not to have to order summer clothes due largely to the fact I'm fervently hoping next summer to be done with my HCG protocol. But, the only pair of shorter summer pants are becoming too big. And in three weeks, after this cycle, they WILL be.

I'm not against Goodwill and the like, and I will be checking it out. I'm good for t-shirts, but pants and shorts: not. But I'd like to have one "nice" pair to wear for the remainder of the summer. So today I got a Lands' End sale catalog with free shipping. I'm there.

Crops or capris?

Day 3: In the Black!

So I have a net weight loss now! While I lost 3# from yesterday, I don't really consider my weight loss ratified until I'm below my starting mark. And for my starting mark, I slid in an extra 2# with the steak day. So, below post steak day weight, I'm down .4. Almost half a pound.

So, for those of you keeping score at home, I've lost over 51#. For this round, I'm saying .4 so far.

After weighing, I was so happy, I jumped in the shower. I was so cheered by the 3#, I spaced out and used conditioner! Ack!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mark's trying to comfort me, saying it won't make a difference. Sigh. I sure hope it doesn't.

Had weird dreams all night. Stupid hormonal stuff. So just put up with me for the next three weeks, ok?

Oh, Yeah!

I remember now how much this sucks! The nostalgia of losing 35# in seven weeks blinded me to the hunger and uncomfortable symptoms.

Oh well. This time it's not as long. Only 21 days to go until cream in my tea.

Not as depressed today. But certainly hoping the weight loss will step up.

Day 2: Somehow I Expected More

A mere 1.4 "loss." I use quotes because I'm still 2.6# above what I was before the loading days. Not good! Trying not to freak, but last time I lost something like 2 or 3 the first day. Hmmmm.

Of course I tend to run pessimistic when it comes to this stuff. I find myself thinking maybe my potion isn't right. The doc made it a stronger potency so I could inject less. But did he? Maybe not. How would I know?

Went to bed early last night and slept for 10 hours. This part isn't fun. While losing a lot of weight quickly has its benefits, it is hard on the body.

Hormonally, I have issues anyway. So read the blog the next few days at your own peril. You have been warned.

Feeling Cranky

I'm telling myself not to take myself too seriously right now, but I feel weird. I'm sure it's mostly my body reacting to a big thing right now, and I am very tired from the weekend.

But I feel grumpy and stressed out. And fat. And lonesome. It feels like everybody but us has a normal, loving family. I love my friends. And sometimes it feels like they're family. But it's always a little cold water shock of realization when big events happen for them, and we're not involved in it. It's like, "Oh, yeah! We're not really family." And off they go to their events. Or off we go to ours and there's nobody there to support and cheer us.

And it kinda sucks.

Day 1: You Raised the Price How Much?

Sadly, day 1 is feeling grumpy to me. The doc's office has nearly doubled the cost for the supplies. I feel ripped off. We don't have the $ for that! But, it's the only thing that works for me. So, I feel stuck.

Stuck, like with a needle--that hurt today! I made myself bleed. Guess I'll get back in the swing of it, huh?

Feeling hungry. Didn't miss that part! And I gained 4# with loading. The first loading day I only gained .6. So I had to laugh when I saw such a staggering jump today. I know realistically it's not a "real" weight gain, water mostly I'm sure, but still. Whoa! Even so, still 2# lower than my LIW, so it's good.

I miss food. Especially after the two days of eating a lot of everything. The first day I felt kinda yucky, but yesterday, the old habits were waking up and frankly, I liked eating whatever I wanted.

A slippery slope indeed.

Please, no more food

Up .6, which I suppose is good, considering I've "eaten to capacity" as they demand. It's not fun anymore, fella. But TPTB say that those who don't eat like this have a hard time the first few days of the Very Little Food Diet. And I don't want to add misery.

So I'm choosing a different kind of misery these two days!

Things Have Changed

Food for me is a slippery slope. I get that. But this day where I've been commanded to eat like a horse...it's not the same anymore. I feel kinda blech. And stuff I used to love and eat routinely isn't as good as it used to be.

Ok, Pride, Go Sit Over There

I'm going to attempt to post pictures. One from last summer, one from last month. And I'm thinner than I was a month ago, so there.

Oh ugh--just looked at the pics. The horror! Sigh. Pride--DOWN!

Steak Day Revisited

Did ok most of the day. I drank a lot of tea. Then about 4, I was folding laundry and suddenly felt weak and lightheaded. I thought, What's the deal? Then I realized, Oh, I haven't eaten since yesterday. So I ate the steak and apple directly. Tasted awesome!

Then the next morning, 2.2# down. Woo hoo! Totally worth it, though it was not pleasant. I had to potty constantly, even, or especially, at night. And I had difficulty sleeping, even when I wasn't getting up to potty. Even so, worth it. I'm but six pounds above X now.

Today is day 1 of the pre-launch sequence. Took my first shot today. Still not fun. Had chocolate for the first time in months. Still good! Feeling a little queasy. I don't know if it's from the shot, or just eating stuff I've not eaten in months (chocolate, English muffin, yogurt with sugar). Or just random queasiness. Felt it a bit last night too. Oh--that's another thing. Last night we had our Friday movie dinner (where I have something carby)--sloppy joes and popcorn. And didn't gain a bit.

I still fear food. I feel like an alcoholic. I'm scared with having carbs, I'll run amok and ruin everything. But then I speak logically to myself, reminding me two days doesn't have to ruin four months of hard work.

I kind of wish I could do a long cycle now. But I can't 'cause my surgery date. There's simply not time. And I shall be a minimum (Lord willing and the creek don't rise) 15 pounds down in three weeks. I'm feelin' more. I've got a good feeling about it. And then I'll be lower than anybody in my PT life (except Mark and my dad), even Skip and Rebekah who knew me in my past Kingston Life/KCMS DJ life) have seen me. And that will be pretty cool.

A Quick One

I hope to give you a substantial update later today, but just know I lost over 2# on the steak day. And it stayed off since, even though I had sloppy joes and popcorn last night.

Sweet!

Steak Day

...is making me hungry! Looking forward greatly to dinner. Oh well, better get used to being hungry. Four days till I start. Gulp!

Down More

Can you believe it? Down almost another pound. Half tempted to skip the next round of hcg and hope for the best. But I'm not gonna.

Yesterday the nut allergy got worse. I was having peanuts, and my face broke out and then I had trouble swallowing! Had to buy some benadryl.

This sucks.

When Loss is a Good Thing

Down farther--woo hoo! Working for me, baby! And due to circumstances beyond my control, two of my three per week carb meals were in successive days. So I was worried. But it's all good!

I am going to do a Steak Day on Thursday, though, in preparation for the loading days. You're "supposed" to gain on loading days. But, I figure why not suck it up for a day, so that the gain won't be net gain. I don't like starting out behind.

As much as the being on the diet part itself sucks on toast, or rather, sucks on asparagus, the result is awesome. I'll be back to my professional bikini modeling in no time!

I Ate Calzone!

And the weight didn't even inch up an inch--er--ounce. Sweet! Works for me.

One week from today I start the program. I'm trying to fill my mind with positive thoughts about how much I'll lose since I'll be able to avoid the trial and error of last time (I hope!). I'm hoping since I can hit the ground running, I'll lose more in a shorter period of time. Also, my blood sugar is stable (and good), too, so there won't be that added into the mix.

Not super excited about the violent shivers at night, the headaches and muscle pains. But crikey, I'll pay that price.

Food

I eat pretty well. When I'm at home, it's really not a problem. Going out, that can be a problem. Today we went to a Medieval Festival (fun! fun! fun!), and packed food. But, that didn't stop me from wanting the burgers and fries that were being bandied about before my very eyes.

I'm getting very excited to lose more weight. 23 days of the VLFD (Very Little Food Diet) sounds a LOT easier than eight weeks of it, let me tell you. And losing 15+ pounds during that time, I say Bring It! Then, as I may have mentioned six or eight times, I'll be as low as I've been since a brief period in 1993. A century ago.

Then, surgery. Then, another round. At this point, I should be in striking distance of my 1980s weight (sure, the high end of the 80s weights, but 80s nevertheless).

So, if I have to pack cold chicken and have lust in my heart for food I ought not eat, so be it. I can take it.

Maintaining

My weight is staying the sameish. About 3# below my LIW. Two weeks (?) until I'm back in the ring. Getting a wee bit bored with my diet. Good thing I've just started with the CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) boxes. I'm being forced to learn to do with some vegetables I've never seen before.

They scare me.

Just a little.

Trip Worries

That about sums it up: I'm worried about the trip. Really worried about the flight. If I had 18,000 more miles, I could upgrade to first class (for my back, not for my vanity).

But I'm also worried about gaining weight on the trip. Traveling is hard when one has a special diet.

Cheesecake Aftermath

So, I approached the scale with nervous apprehension. Only to see that I have LOST MORE!

It all makes sense now.

Not.