Day 2: Learning How to Eat Again

Well, I tried to squash the mental scream that ensued when I saw I had gained 1# overnight. I know in my head, it's not an "earned pound," and is likely water--and that they said this would happen. Still makes me cringe.

What's weird is learning to eat again, normally, healthfully. Eight weeks is a very long time to do what I did. So at times it feels "wrong" to eat! But what I'm looking at is long term here. I'm attempting to eat how I want to the rest of my life (ok, how I need to the rest of my life).

This time is good. This is not wasted time (though I still feel I sit comfortably in the Sumo weight class). This is time to let my body recover from the trauma of what I did to it, and practice feeding it what's good for it. I still can't believe how good cream is in tea! I hope I keep the appreciation of just how good food can taste and still be healthy.

Each day is a gift, if we know how to look.

Oh Yeah...

I had to laugh this morning. With the drift down, I was .5 pounds north of Decade of X.

Figures!

Day 53: Phase II

Today I started stabilization. Oh yeah, baby! It was awesome! Right now I'm at 47#. I drifted down two # from my LIW. That is good. Pretty much everyone gains two immediately, and settles at their LIW. They're supposed to. I'll try not to freak if/when that happens.

This morning, breakfast was sublime, even without bacon. I had a pork patty (the only pork in all of Port Townsend whose incredients read: pork, salt). It was awesome! I also had a piece of cheese, an apple with almond butter (best thing I ever had in my life), and a cup of tea...WITH CREAM! It was sooooo good. I felt really full after. Mark had to convince me I didn't overeat, my stomach is just tiny now (due to not eating for almost eight weeks!).

I had to abandon the Blue Diamond almonds (add it to the list of casualties I've looked forward to), as they had "ose" (sugar) on them. So I got the plain, yucky ones from the Co-op just now and will add my own salt.

Lunch: burger patty, cottage cheese, and pear. Dinner: steak at Dad's, salad, berries.

Oooh, I got to use LOTION today. Simple pleasures are the most satisfying. Ahhhhh.

No Bacon--Oh, the Humanity!

So, there's evidently no such thing as bacon, ham, or sausage that comes without sugar. I kid you not. I looked at every package at the Co-op, QFC, and Safeway.

I'm sad.

Day 52: 1#

Yay. I'm glad. While I need to count my LIW as the baseline, I'm relieved it's drifting down. Tomorrow's weigh in is the last chance before bacon. It needs to stay + or - 2# from the baseline for "brain chemistry issues." Ugh. But my emotional chemistry wants to lose, lose, lose!

So today I'm at -46#. I had so wanted to make it to 50#. I'll get there, I know. It's just a bit of a pisser to have to wait seven more weeks before I can lose again.

Note to self: Long term success. Eyes on the prize.

A Day and a Half 'til Bacon!

Can't wait. I'm sooo hungry now. The efficacy of the hcg is clearly spent. So am I, with Anna's appointment today. I'm so sore and tired. Add hungry to that, and it's just not that great!

I'm going to take a hot bath, make chicken noodle chicken for Anna, then watch Scooby-Doo with her (her new passion!). My dinner is about two bites of cod and asparagus.

45# down. Applause?

Day 51: Now That's Just Not Fair!

0 weight loss today. Unbelievable given how hungry I was yesterday and how much tea I drank....

Day 50: Last Injection!

Yep, this morning. It was with glee I tossed my materials. Three more days 'til bacon. The bad news I, at the behest of the stabilization materials, looked at both the packages for bacon and sausage: both have sugar. RATS! So it looks like I'll have to buy "expensive" bacon and sausage for the next three weeks. Grr. The food on this diet has been spendy. But I certainly feel better spending food money on that rather than ice cream.

I'm feeling pretty weak (physically, not mentally). I hope I can make it all the way to Thurs. Some people falter at the end, start gaining and having ankle swelling (protein deficiency), and need to transition early. I hope not, but it is what it is. I could just be really tired from this weekend. And I sure feel worn out from all the festivities. Worth it, though.

So I've lost 45# now. 1.2 yesterday! Today's weight is supposed to be the baseline weight for the whole period of time until I get back on the horse (@7 weeks as the calendar flies). TPTB say you're to stay within two pounds on either side of the LIW (Last Injection Weight), so that's a four pound radius. I'm rather chapped about it because I'm 2.5# above Decade of X. Oh well, I'll get there in time. If all goes well and let's face it, I was born under a lucky star, I should be 60# down in time for my surgery.

I've decided to not focus on my emotional reaction of feeling the next several weeks is wasted time I can't be losing weight. I've decided to use my time constructively, to further refine my new lifestyle. There's a lot of new vegetables I want to try, for example. I need to continue with the water drinking, and preparing healthy meals for all of us.

Pretty much the only exercise I can tolerate (stenosis and disks) is pool walking. I hate chlorine, but I hate other stuff more. So we've been going. I will continue that as well. I figure however I can get even a little stronger before my surgery, the better it will be.

So the plan: do my very best with stabilization and maintenance eating. Exercise as much as I can. Vitamins. Water. Patience. All good things.

A number of acquaintances have come up to me and asked about the diet. They seem to think it's a magic bullet. It ain't. They all have a friend who they think it might be the right thing for. It might. But it might not.

Here's my 2c. I think this diet is an excellent tool for someone who has to lose maybe 15# and who already eats healthfully. I know a number of women who gained during menopause, for example. Or after surgery. A short course will net you 15#. And it doesn't take all that long. And if you're already a healthy eater, it could be the ticket.

If one has a more serious weight problem, one won't be successful unless they're already making healthy changes. It's not easy. It's HARD. And it takes a heck of a lot of commitment. No, I'd imagine most people wouldn't have the early diet trauma I had. But even so, it's hugely challenging! And it doesn't stop here. The changes must be permanent. It's not a golden ticket.

I wasn't ready in January. And I crashed and burned. I realized it last night: I had to be willing to give up my right to eat junk food, however rarely. I had to lose the chip on my shoulder that constantly screamed, "It's not fair!" No, it's not fair. It's not fair my metabolism sucks. It's not fair I cannot metabolize sugar. It's not fair I'm burdened with obesity on top of everything else. But, dwelling on that and willingly anesticizing myself with chocolate doesn't do anything to help me. No, I will likely never be able to eat "like everybody else." I have always eaten far less than Mark yet weighed far more.

But I am ready to pay the price to be healthier. I'm ready.

Day 49: Crawling to the Finish Line

.8 today. Woo hoo! Love it. I'm back to Stabilization being on Thursday. I had another day of meds left, so the doc agreed. So, one more shot, then three days more of the diet as the hcg leaves my system. And then...Thursday...BACON! All told, I've lost 44#. Not too shabby.

Today was a good day. We went to see The Lady Washington and have a tour. The ship was at Port Ludlow, along with The Hawaiian Chieftain. Turns out we could only tour the latter. Met my dad there. It was fun.

Things have been busy, so I've been extra back-sore. But even so, this afternoon after getting home, we all worked on the gardening together. All in all, despite my rabid soreness now, it's been a very soul-satisfying day.

Day 48: Almost Done!

I had my appt today. Turns out I miscalculated and I graduate one day early--so it's only four more days 'til bacon! I lost .6 yesterday. I'm soooo wanting to be in Decade of X, but it's not looking very good. It's certainly possible, but I'm nearly 5# above DoX. So...

Today the doctor impressed upon me the necessity (for long term success) of NOT losing weight during stabilization and maintenance. Sigh. It'll be about 7 weeks until I can saddle up again (has to coordinate with my cycles; with my PCOS, I'm not a 28-day cycle gal). It's a bit tough to swallow (pun intended) when I've finally found a way to lose weight to have to try and stay the same (big) for longer than I'd like! Then after my next short session, it'll be a few months before the next round with my surgery n'all.

Big, dramatic sigh...

Oh well, it is what it is. I've done my best. And at least I won't be gaining. Oh, crikey--I got the list of what I cannot have during stabilization. I shrieked a little when I saw no peanut butter or legumes (I was so looking forward to chili and split pea soup!!). Grrrr. Oh well, it's just for a few weeks more. And I can have almond butter on my apples.

Day 47: Can see the finish line

Seven weeks! Whew! It's been a long one, that's for sure. .4 loss today. Kind of dissappointing to have it slow to a trickle at the end, but I'm seeing it through.

We went to Costco today and it wasn't that fun to have everybody but me chowing down on the tasty samples. But, I kept my eyes on the prize.

I'm trying not to worry about becoming a fat making geyser on stabilization, but the doctor thinks all will be well.

I just realized...

One week 'til bacon! Kinda cool to think I'm "graduating" in a week (until I go back for more). :-}

42 pounds. Not too shabby!

Day 46: 1.0

Yay! Sad that it took several days. But, at least it's going down. I'll take it. The more weight I can lose in the next week (one week 'til bacon!!), the better. Reminder to self: I have done all I can do. The actual number is out of my hands. Ok, that's done.

Three more days of harpooning myself. That makes me :).

The End of a Long Day

It just kind of felt like last night never ended. That bad "cold spell," the not-sleeping, culminating with the not-weight dropping...ugh. Then school felt off, I had to take Anna to dance, then come home, feed her, then head back to town. Two drives in a couple hours (and the standing for an hour at dance)= bad on my back.

I also had a very vivid and good dream right before waking up. I think maybe it's the first time a dream's been so good it's made me feel bad. I was, I guess, an idealized version of myself. In the dream I was healthy and very pregnant. Then I woke up to me, being me: Jabba the Hutt with a bad back and no babies forthcoming (and 40.5 year old eggs).

Oh, well. I'm rambling 'cause I'm tired, I guess. Here's hoping the morning brings weight loss! Only one more week of the diet. And while X and sadly NewX are off the table, I'd sure like to lose more weight in the next week.

Day 45: A Bad Night Followed by a Dissapointing Morning

Last night was...unpleasant. I thought the shivering cold thing was long gone. It made a resurgence last night, to a more extreme level. I was up for two hours in the middle of the night, shivering like mad. I thought, "At least this must mean I'm losing weight again!"

Wrong. Yesterday I went up .2. Today I'm plateaued there. No way I get to NewX, or even Decade of X now. And I find it all very discouraging.

Day 44: up .2

Ugh. I hate that! It's just...wrong!

Sick of Apples

And I love apples. But, bleh! Enough already! Tired of chicken. Tired of pretty much all of it. Sadly, I don't like many of the selectons available (if I liked fennel and cabbage, I'd be aces). 10 more days. I can do it, but despite the weight loss that will stop, I'm so excited to add some variety and larger portions into my life. Almonds! Cheese! BACON! Different fruits!

Then it'll be about six weeks 'till I get in the ring again. Then it'll be for a "short session" (six weeks instead of 11). I want to sneak it in before VBS/birthday/Fair/surgery.

The idea is not to gain or lose anything on stabilization. I worry, because of my torrid history of gaining it back. But that was then, this is now. Just because I failed in the past doesn't mean I'll fail now. And even if it means I can never have chocolate again (heaven forbid), I'll do it.

Day 43: .8

I like .8 much better than .4 (indeed, I like it twice as much). I'm going to increase my meds a wee bit and take the B12 again and hope for a strong final push to the end.

Man, yesterday I was TIRED. All day I felt like I was inches from a coma! Went to bed at 9; didn't stir until 6:30.

Grand total=41 pounds. While of course I'm conflicted on having to stop and "stabilize" for awhile, I understand it, and even look forward to parts of it. The eating enough to sustain me part, especially. And bacon. I know the hcg will stop working entirely (it's edging that way anyway) before long. And my body, while in some ways happy to be hauling around less weight (my knees especially), has been through a lot with the hcg. So a break, where I can focus on eating healthy food, and hopefully release some of my obsession about losing weight for awhile, might be nice.

:-)

Day 42: .4...bleh...are we done yet?

So, I realized two things today. One, I've lost 40#. Two, next week I make it across the finish line to the promised land of stabilization. I wish I was excited about either. While yes, 40 pounds is an accomplishment, there's so very far to go. And, this is not my fist rodeo. I've lost 40 pounds a number of times in the past 10 years, each time it came back and brought a gang of street toughs.

I did indeed stay home from church today. The past several times I've gone on a Sunday has just knocked me on my butt for the rest of the day. This diet is taxing. It's not like the other times when I lost weight on my own by just avoiding sugar. Then I'd feel good. This time, not so much. But, I don't know that I've ever lost 40 pounds in two months before. So, it's a trade off, I guess.

It's also a good day to be home because of the lousy information we just got. This past semester of school for Mark has been brutal. Both classes (plus the 30+ hours a week he's needed to get in at the junior high) have been extremely labor intensive. Even more so than the one ill-advised semester he took three classes. It's just sucked on toast.

So, we've been planning all along for him to take one class this summer, a seven-week late session class. So he'd have had about 10 weeks off. I say past tense. He hadn't heard from his advisor (who's gotten increasingly flaky over the last year or so), so he emailed, figuring he'd better get going and register for the one summer class, and the two fall classes.

Well, the answer was not what we expected. What needs to happen (and Mark spent a lot of time this morning trying to find another way) is he has two classes this summer, and one in the fall. Due to the way the schedule is structured--and as it's his last three classes, he can't just take something else--it MUST be this way. And, there's no real break.

So, we're all pretty upset about it. Both Mark and I are burned out. I think we both would have felt better in a weird way if Anna had of had a fit about it. But she had the saddest little face, and then set to trying to cheer us up. A great kid, she is.

But, both Mark and I feel like it's just another cosmic kick in the crotch. But if we put anything off, we'd add another full year to when he could start teaching full time. And while this sucks, that sucks worse.

So, with my sluggish weight loss (at this rate, I won't reach X, NewX, or even Decade of X), and the unwanted change of plans, I'm feeling blue today. It really sucks sometimes not to have a parent to talk to. There's something so comforting about being to cry on a parent's shoulder and have them tell you everything will be ok, and you're doing really well.

Day 41: .4

Eh. I felt kind of bummed about it, then I took out a couple of cubes of butter since that's close to what I lost and figured, "That's not bad." Of course they say it's inevitable for the weight loss to slow down toward the end, but I still wish it was faster. I'm also feeling weird muscle pains. They also say that's normal. With a rapid weight loss, they say it leaves the muscles too long, so there's pain. Yes, they adjust. But, it's not without me screeching, "OUCH!" a time or two a day sometimes.

41 days sure doesn't sound like a lot of time. But it's felt like it. It's a long time to be hungry! :-0 At least for an American, I guess. I'll admit it. I'm a wuss. There, it's said.

Ok, before I go, let's do a tally.

Overall weight loss=39.8 pounds.
HCG diet weight loss=29.8 pounds.
Time spent on project=2 months.
Time left until bacon=12 days.
Time left until bread=33 days.
Weight above X=17 pounds.
Weight above NewX=10 pounds.
Weight above "Decade of X"=7 pounds.

I have spoken. Go in peace.

Day 40: .6

I can live with it. Less than two weeks to go now. I have to admit, I'm scared the weight will come back. Come on, I'm not being a pessimist! It has every time before. And every time before, it started back up on its own, without any help from me.

Mark's trying to reassure me this time is different, but we've said that every time before! I guess it's the same until it's different. Come on, different!

Well, grand total of 39+. 10 pounds to go for The New X. Fingers crossed!

Aw!

Anna and I had dinner about 5. At 5:30, after my meager dinner, I realized I was still hungry. I felt really bad when I realized it would be @18 hours until my next meal!

Two weeks from today I'll be able to eat again. Yippee!

Scents are Killing Me (not really)

Last night, I set my clock to put dinner leftovers in the oven so they'd be warm for Mark when he got home @11:30. It was chicken and risotto. Oh my! I thought it was bad when I dished it up for Anna! Several hours later I was all the more hungry. It was brutal! This morning is likewise not fun with their sausage scents wafting into the bedroom while I type.

Two weeks. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Day 39: Two Weeks Today Until Almonds

Phew: the weird gain was gone and I lost a little more also. Grand total=38.8. Clearly, I've been forced to redefine X (I still think I might take a hammer to the old scale, just for spite). BUT, my new X is 11 more pounds. I hope, hope, hope! If I make it to that (and at least I am fully comfortable in the knowledge it's really out of my hands, that I've left it all on the field), I will have lost a grand total of 50. Pretty good for the first round. Even so, I know in my head I have reason to be proud of myself, no matter what the scale says when I reach the end of my road, two Thursdays from now.

The Tale of the Chicken and Risotto

Well, I had a coupon, and this late afternoon was Anna's dance class. And, we had a meeting before the dance class. So my usual meal prep time (before dance) was cut short. The coupon was get a free side dish with purchase of a hot entree at Safeway.

So, I bought a roasted chicken, and Anna selected parmesean risotto. Holy cow, but it smelled delicious. I was hungry before the dance class; so, on the way home, it was torturous, as was plating it for her. Especially when my dinner SUCKED (plain lettuce and 3 ounces of cold chicken).

Argh. I am so ready for the stabilization phase. Especially with this morning's weight gain. I can soldier on much more manfully when I'm losing weight every day.

Day 38: Another Gain (and not in the good way)

Up .4 today. WHY? I have no idea. I hate that. Not only is it very disappointing, it scares me. Despite what my dad believes, every time I've gained back (at least at the start), it's been nothing I've done "wrong." It just happens.

I don't want to face that again.

Two more weeks until I start stabilization. Some people get immune to the hcg toward the end and need to go on stabilization early. 10 more shots total. Could be..? I hope not.

Day 37: A Good Weight Loss Day!

I lost 1.8 (no idea how)! I'm up to 38 pounds total. Wheee!

I Miscounted

It's 17 more days 'til bacon! Bummer. 20# above X. Again: bummer. Mark pointed out that I made the goal when I thought I weighed 10# less (evil scale). So if I lose 10 more, I will have, in fact, made my original goal.

I guess. I hate it when he's reasonable and correct.

Day 36: Emotionally Hungover

Well, the small gain was made up for today, with a strapping 1.6 loss. I'm now down (total) 37+. Sweet.

I'm just feeling very drained and flat. The weeks of worrying myself half mad over Anna have taken a toll. Add to that the taxing nature of this diet and I just feel wiped out. Could really use some TLC right about now.

Day 35: A Gain (and a Loss)

Up .4 today. I know that can't really be true, that it's surely fluid. But it's still a bummer. Like Sundays.

I'm finding it impossible to manage Sunday mornings/early afternoons on this phase of the diet. I just feel awful. Every other day, I'm home at my lunch time. With this, I'm at church. And the longer the day goes, the weaker I get, the lower my blood sugar gets, and the more cranky and foggy I feel.

This Sunday and last, I brought an apple with me and ate it there, but it doesn't work. I need the whole lunch (all 200 calories of it!). Just a piece of fruit makes me feel worse.

I may just end up staying home the next two Sundays!

Every Sunday afternoon, even after I eat, I end up having to lay around, watching my family do fun stuff 'cause I feel so weak and sickly. It takes quite some time for my blood sugar to come back up.

Two more weeks until my final shot. I'm so ready for it! I can't wait to go on the stabilization phase and be able to get enough calories to feel like a human again.

Today

35 pounds total. Down a pants size and down a chin.

Day 34: Dissapointment Flavored Motivation

Yesterday we got an invitation in the mail to a reunion/concert for people who were in the CWU Chamber Choir in the "Boers Years." Let me give you a history. Dr. Geoffrey Boers is a great choral director. He's a clinician all around North America, and is now the top dog at the UW. When I was at Central, I was in the top choir, in arguably the finest music college in the state. I sang in that choir for one year. Only 10 on each part make it. It was definitely one of the highlights of my musical life. We were good!

So, they're having the first ever reunion, this July. There's to be a rehearsal Friday night, then a couple of rehearsals during the next day, then a special concert at the new and spectacular CWU music hall. It's quite a to-do. And I want to go so bad I can taste it.

But I can't. Not with my back. It's just not something I could do. LOTS of sitting, LOTS of standing. So I have to click the box that says, "Sorry I can't make it but please keep me on the list for any future events." Even typing this, I get a little teary.

So I must keep on with the weight loss. WIth the scary back surgery. And hope there are future events. But this is the first event of its kind. There won't be another one of those.

Day 33: .8

Yippee! 34 pounds with the pedal down towards 40.

20 Days Left

Which is cool. I'm ready for stabilization, and I'm really ready for a few weeks off between cycles. It's pretty much impossible to get to X now. Almost 24 pounds above X. :( While I know in my head the minute I discovered my lying, backstabbing scale had played me for a fool, that X was off the table, I'm still disappointed.

I suppose had I known my *real* weight, I'd have not chosen such an unattainable goal. Who knew I was so much higher? Ack. Now, my new goal for this cycle is to get into the same "decade" as X.

I'm hoping while I continue with stabilization, and then a more healthy, protein-rich diet between cycles, maybe more will come off. Hey, it's possible.

Day 32: .8 Yeah!

I like those days where the scale shows something significant. Grand total=33.2 with 20 days 'til bacon!

Three Weeks to Go!

That excites me. I'm looking at my hand, with the dry, broken skin and thinking regular lotion will be very welcome in my life. As will oils and fats of all kinds! I started making a mental list of meals I want to enjoy while on the three week stabilization period. Even without carbs, sugars, starches, food will be joyous again. I won't miss the food scale while I'm between cycles! Right now, I'm picturing salmon cooked on a bed of red onion, with a strip or two of bacon over the top as it cooks....

Day 31: .4 (Meh)

Still losing, though. Three weeks to the day until stabilization.

Woodstoves, Split Pea, and Fear (O My)

Watching the woodstoveman fix and clean our woodstove. Let there be heat! Today I made split pea soup for Anna and Mark; it’s in the crock-pot now. It smells so good. I’ve been sans shot for several days now (starting up again tomorrow). I definitely feel it, and not in a good way.

I feel fatigued almost beyond measure, as if my legs are made of rubber. I’m a little spacey, and kinda of depressed. I’m trying to take it for what it’s worth: a physiological phenomenon that will improve soon. But it’s tough.

Especially worrying about Anna. Her blood test did not go well. It took the doctor THREE sticks to get it. The third time I felt a whoosh of nausea and dizziness. I put on a brave face for her, but as soon as she and Mark bolted to the car to start on her apple and water, I had to take a moment to steady myself. I prayed that she does indeed have anemia, and not leukemia (or something likewise horrible), that this wasn’t the first of ten thousand sticks.

Then we went to the bank where I cashed the tax refund from my mom’s estate: a whopping $318, divided by 3. So I got my $106. A gift from my mom. I think I’m going to put it aside to buy gardening stuff later in the spring. She loved my garden, always watered the plants, etc. I learned how to make hanging baskets from her. We always had them at our house.

I miss her now a lot. I know she’d have been there the past couple of weeks of fear over Anna—the fear that sometimes feels like a cold, metallic hand around my heart. The fear that sits with me when Mark’s at work at night as I watch her sleep, praying for her to be fine, and not to die. My dad doesn’t care. My sisters don’t care. So sometimes I feel like an orphan. My mom would have been so proud and encouraging about my diet. And she’d have held my hand through the uncertainty over Anna’s health.

I just feel lost. I don’t even have food to hold me up right now! I know an ice cream sundae would not fix everything—or anything—but those 10 minutes of comfort would sure feel nice right about now.

Day 30: .6

Grand total=32 pounds. Woot!


{This 32 includes the 10 I lost on my own before the hcg.}

Hungry!

It's been a few days without the shot, and I'm ready for it to be over already so I can start them again! The effects of the hcg are starting to wear off, so I'm feeling really hungry again. Yuck. The regular hunger had pretty much retreated to an annoying drum beat, not so much as to be distracting--like now.

About three weeks until stabilization (bacon). Then another three weeks after that. I realized today it'll be at least six more weeks until I can have bread. Sigh. I need to focus on all the good stuff I can eat during stabilization! But my mind is wandering to carbs.

I've never gone this long in my life without sugar. I'm hoping another six weeks of being without will make me think of carbs even less. We'll see! I'm getting kind of tired of the same few selections of food all the time. Sadly, the tomatoes and the oranges make a difference, so I've had to give those up too. What's next...air?

I had to give in and use some skin cream today. It has mineral oil in it. I'm so hoping it won't adversely effect my weight loss. But it could not be helped. That has to be enough.

Day 29: Day After Easter...

1.7 loss. Wahoo!!! I was richly rewarded for watching everybody else eat candy and pastry (and ham and potatoes). X or near-X doesn't seem so unattainable now. 24 more days 'til bacon, with 25 pounds 'til X. Not probable, but extremely likely I'll be in the "decade" with X.

Mark reminds me I decided my goal of X with the old miscreant scale (liar, demon scale). Had that scale been correct, X would have almost certainly happened. Oh well, it's still good. Still an accomplishment. Grand total=31.4 pounds.

Day 28: Three Weeks 'Til Last Injection

Yea! Today was back to a .4 loss. But, before I got my panties in a twist, I realized that's almost half a pound of gross fat. I'll take it. :) Today was a little tough with a gorgeous spread of pastries after church. This is the first holiday I'm on the program. Kinda tough. More tough being it's the first one w/o my mom. And of course I had to think it would have been the first for my babies.

Ah, well. The sermon cheered me up. Someday, no more pain, no more sorrow, and my babies and mom will be there! And, I can have all the pastry I want.

What Will Make it Work?

I've been here before: losing weight, feeling happy about it, convinced "this time is different," that it won't come back. It's happened a few times since Anna was born. Each time it's come back, and I've gained more weight on top of that, it's gotten harder. The last time was the worst.

I was so convinced getting my stomach repaired would solve everything! I had myself convinced the biggest reason my body would freak out and gain, gain, gain was because I wasn't able to digest food. Then when I lost weight after my surgery, getting down to X, I thought I had cracked the code!

And then...it happened. Even though I was eating healthy and reasonable meals...it came back. Again. My body had betrayed me...again. Most people (like my dad) don't believe that the weight would come back without my helping it along with a case of donuts or something.

Sure, eventually, after many pounds came back, I'd relax my healthy eating to an extent. I'd figure why would I totally abstain from foods I really liked when I was gaining anyway?! It's so unfair. It is. It really is.

But, it is what it is. Yes, I'm hoping with every bit of my being this time WILL be different. That this weight loss plan, with its promises of "resetting your metabolism" will actually work. But if it doesn't, I also hope with every bit of my being to accept and live the rest of my life without sugar, if that's what it takes.

I've learned so much about obesity and its dysfunctional origins by reading Dr. Simeons' work (hcg guy). He's made me feel a lot less bad about myself and weight. Let's just hope that I don't follow my typical course of being the exception to the rule.

Day 27: .8

Yea--.8 again! I like it! I'm hoping the tomato and orange embargo pays off. I'm so happy that I'll be taking my last shot in three weeks. Shivving myself with a harpoon every day is less than enjoyable. It's worth it, though. I've lost 30 pounds now. Can I get a "woo hoo"?!

Today we were watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution (a must see if you're concerned about nutrition). He was at a local high school, getting some high school kids to join him for cooking lessons and healthful activism with their peers. One of the girls who joined said she lost her dad when she was 13 due to complications of obesity. Another girl who was very overweight joined because she felt like it was her last chance to be healthy. I cried over both of these kids' stories.

It totally fed my fire to get healthy for Anna. Bad metabloism or not, I've got to get a lot of this weight off. I don't want Anna to be that girl. I'm that girl, who lost a parent because she loved cigarettes more. I won't love sugar more than Anna. And like that overweight girl, I feel like this is my last chance to get healthy.

So I'll take the bayonet in the leg and live with dry skin and virtually no food for awhile to get this fat gone. And I'm going to keep it off this time. Whatever it takes. I love my family too much to do less.

Thoughts

Day 26. 27 to go! I've lost 28+ pounds. 28 above X. Hey, half ways pretty much all around! That's pretty neat.

While I have enjoyed the grape tomatoes, it does appear I'm one of the ones who tomatoes effect weight loss. Another culprit is oranges. Going sans orange for a few days and we'll see how that goes.

I'm uber tired and sore--busy few days. My back is so bad it's making my leg tingle. I hate that. Time for the ice pack and hoping fervently the power stays on as our woodstove is on the DL right now.

Day 26: I Like Tomatoes, but Not as Much as Losing More

.8 yesterday! Tomato experiment apparently effective. Trying no oranges today and tomorrow.

Day 25: 28 Days 'Til Bacon

.6 today. Then a long day. A trip to Silverdale which I thought would be fun but was pretty much just exhausting. There was a lot of food around--aromatic food. I brought my plain little salad and ate in the car. Bleh. Mark and Anna had Arby's (not in front of me! and it was my idea as I had a great coupon it seemed a shame to waste).

I'm sticking with it, but it's hard and it's not very fun. A lot of muscle aches and pains which I read can be an effect of the program, but might just be an effect of the long day.

Day 25 with 28 to go--almost half way done. And I end this month. That's a relief to me. It's four weeks today, actually. At least there's an end.