Reminding Myself of Good Things

Even though the weight loss isn't what I'd hoped, I feel the need to write down other factors that are good. Not eating sugar. For me, very good. I'm also enjoying having nice nails (for a change)--a sfx of the hcg (hair too). This is a chance for me to really get better eating habits solid for both me and my family. Uhm, there's probably more, but...?

I am hoping maybe if my cycle ever comes and goes (and I wish it would just get on with it because I'm tiring of feeling like The Angel of Death), there will be a drop in weight.

We'll see.

Day 24: .4...

This is not good. .4 per day isn't even three pounds per week. We get back to the Sandra Diet Scale: Could I lose 2.8 pounds per week on "My Plan"? Yes, I could. Making this, at this time, so not worth the money and discomfort. :-(

If I Had Any Less Energy, I'd Be in a Coma

Is it the diet? Is it full-on PMS? I donno. Feeling droopy, discouraged, and enervated tonight. Wishing Mark was home. A month feels like a long time to continue this (but don't worry, continue I shall). It's been three weeks, with four to go, and the weight loss is surely slowing down, which doc says is "normal." Ugh. At this rate, X is impossible.

Ah, well. I guess there's no help for it: time to hoist my heinie off the couch, put away the dishes, wash the new produce, fold clothes, do my back stretches, and go to sleep. Tomorrow's another day.

Day 23: Shouldn't Have Complained About the .6

The fat gods heard me and have punished me for my insolence. Today is .4.

Damn it.

One Month!

One month until I go into stabilization! Tomorrow I can start saying, "Oh, it's no big deal; it's less than a month."

:)

Eating

I hope when this is all said and done, I don't think about food all the time. It's definitely a preoccupation (duh). Maybe it's a natural outlet of being hungry all the time!

Today I played with a Christmas present I've not used much: a vacuum packer. It's pretty cool, actually. I spent awhile measuring and sealing both lettuce and onions. This will make my life much easier for a week, as I only have to grab a pack and not have it had turned brown overnight (stupid lettuce!). I hope I can use this power cooking tool in the future.

Ah, the future. The future where I hope and dream that I'll not only be healthy, but where food won't be Queen.

Hmmmmm

I was just grousing to Mark that at this rate (.6 per day), I'd be 12 pounds above X at the end of the hcg cycle. Of course that supposes a lot! That I will lose daily. That I won't plateau. That I'll lose during the @5 days (any time now) I have to go shotless. And that there won't be days where I get to "woo hoo" because I had a pound or two loss. But anyway, let's assume all other things are equal and that is what I lose, .6 per day, for the next 31 days.

That would mean that I "only" lost 45 pounds total. Since mid-Feb. I need to get my priorities straight! Lol!

Day 22: Again With the .6

Don't get me wrong, that's cool. But no way will I reach X in the ONE MONTH REMAINING (!) at this rate. But, it could be worse! :}

26.4# down, 30.6# till X.

This week I hope to experiment a little with the diet. There's word on the street some lose more if they abstain from tomatoes and oranges (sniff sniff). Likewise if one eats only one vegetable at a meal and doesn't mix them (double sniff). But I'm going to tinker and see if it makes a difference.

A Very Taxing Six Weeks

I just realized I started my Weight Loss Epic on (or about) Valentine's Day. I don't think I made a huge to do about it because of the 9,999,999 failures. But it was around then. Since that time (six weeks), I've lost 26#. Not too shabby. But it's been difficult, for sure.

Maybe some of my mood swings and pain spikes have just been physical--my body's been going through a lot! There's about a month left until the vaunted STABILIZATION. No sugar or starch. Feh. But my choices will go from something like 3 to about 3,000. And no weighing my food. And I can use lotion and conditioner on my poor parched bod--and cook with olive oil, and, and...butter! And have...wait for it...peanut butter.

It's about two months on the hcg course. One is about over. One more to go. Today's been a rough food day. I'm hoping tomorrow is better.

While I worry I won't reach X by the end of the hcg cycle, I still hope I do. I would have had the late and non-lamented former scale been ACCURATE. Wait, that's not right. Had I really weighed what the aforementioned scale said, I'd more likely have made it. I don't want to failure script, and I'm giving it my all, but the chances of losing 31 more pounds by April 29 are not...impressive. BUT I HOPE, I HOPE, I HOPE!

A short cycle is six weeks (inc. stablization). A long cycle 11 (possibly 12). Next time, I'm going for the short. Probably more than once. But I'll have to see. Tomorrow will take care of itself; today has enough worries of its own.

I've Decided: Sundays Are Hard

Three Sundays ago I wasn't at church, and it was the last "loading day" anyway. Last Sunday, and today, were hard. With the plan, I don't eat from dinner the evening before (usually around 5) until lunch (usually around 11). We don't usually get out of church until nearly 12, then there's the inevitible grocery store stop. So my blood sugar gets way low. This time I brought my lunch apple to have (though I'm loathe to eat it "out of sequence," though they say it's ok). It only helped marginally. I still feel out of sorts and extremely low energy, though I had lunch. My back's freaking out, too. High pain level, low energy level.

Today was "birthday Sunday" where a big cake is laid out. I wanted a piece really, really bad (especially being low energy). And it made me feel bad to think I'll probably never be able to have a recreational piece of cake again. What I've learned about obesity and its nature (you can control it, but it's not "curable"), it's just not something to have, especially all by itself, not part of a protein-rich meal. And it makes me feel :(.

Somebody FINALLY noticed I'm thinner. It likewise makes me feel bad that I'm so fat, it's not even noticeable when I lose 25#.

Day 21: .6

So let's say grand total is 26! It's 25.8, but with the vagaries of scale existence...who can say? I can. 26 down.

Too Much Chlorine in my Gene Pool

So dinner with Dad was pretty nice. Then I decided to jump on the hampster wheel of trying to make my dad understand--even a little bit--about the diet and my health issues (not weight issues, health issues that cause the weight issues). He starts in about how people have to eat healthy, blah blah blah. While I wanted to shake him and explain, loudly, "DAD, I EAT HEALTHY. I ALWAYS HAVE. I HAVE NOT GONE A DAY WITHOUT FRESH FRUIT AND SALAD IN AT LEAST 20 YEARS..." I did not. I smiled politely, walked into the kitchen, and took a deep breath.

Who's crazier? Him for refusing to accept there's something wrong with my body, or me, for not accepting that he will never get it?

One Month, Two Days 'Til Bacon

Today's one of the hungry days. I'm in PMS mode (it's either that or everybody in my house has suddenly turned annoying), and hunger is one of my things. 31 pounds 'till X. It's not likely I'll hit that in the next 34 (I think) days. Possible, but not likely. I'm hoping, though! That'd be sweet.

The next goal after X is smaller. As is the one after that. X is a BIG GOAL. But reaching will be so awesome. X is pretty much the halfway point. After X, Y, and Z, we see where I am and mostly how I feel.

My working plan is to do more "short courses" after the mandatory break. I've heard from others it's much, much easier. 23 injections instead of 43. And with the 23 it's snuck in between periods so one doesn't have to add a week onto the payment book. Also, one doesn't have to take a day off per week. So it's a straight three weeks, then the stabilization program. So six weeks instead of 11-12. No, one doesn't lose as much at a time, but qualify of life and sanity is important too. This is HARD, baby!

I really can't look and see in my crystal ball how I'd do on a short (pounds lost) but if it was say, 20, that'd be pretty cool. The goal is to do my very best on this portion, not cheat a whit on stabilization, then maintain (maybe lose more??) on my own and then sneak in a short course before my surgery. Timing has to be right because I do not want to deal with stabilization when traveling/having surgery. Not that I intend to eat like a stevedore, mind you, but it will be challenging enough without having to seek out a special diet while I'm there. And if one can't have ice cream on the day they have neurosurgery....

Well, time to hoist my sorry carcass off the couch and get something done. My dad is coming over for dinner tonight. I'm making taco salads for them. I'll have a "special" salad for myself. I don't expect everybody else to eat just like I do (they'd starve!). And it's not forever. Hey, in a month and two days, I can have bacon!

Day 20: Woo hoo!

1#. I love it when that happens! Grand total=25.2. Don't try and stop me--I'm hellbent for leather!

Addendum to Last Post

One other good thing: when I'm not flat out exhausted, I have more energy. I know that sounds weird. And at times, I'm so wiped out, I just have to go to bed. That's generally after a long day, or a day where I have to go more than one place out and about.

But at home, in my native habitat, I've noticed a pleasing trend of accomplishing more little house projects.

I likey.

I'm a little bummed that it's unlikely I'll reach X in the one month+ remaining until I go on stabilization. Today was shot 20. There are 23 left (but not 23 days). I have to skip one per week, and I'll have to take the days off during my period. So, as many times as I do the math, it always comes out I'll likely have my last shot on Anzac Day. Three days after that I follow the Very Little Food Diet, meaning I get to eat bacon probably April 29.

Thoughts

Well, I'm seeing more and more good things from The Diet. No more breaking fingernails. Blood sugar IN NORMAL AND HEALTHY RANGE (that's huge for me). No more headaches. No more tylenol or advil. I got through a stressful situation completely food free yesterday (damned car).

I realize this is my chance. This is my chance to change my life. While my endocrine system is my El Guapo, there is always room for improvement. I don't see a future where I'm "thin." That's cool. I'm over that. What I do aspire to is a future where I'm not in horrible pain. Or pain. That's my goal. If I'm feeling good, if my lab test results are good, I'm good.

This could be my year: diet revolution, back surgery. It just could be.

Day 19: .6

Getting there! Only about a zillion pounds left to lose...I know, I know, don't look at it that way! I can't, really, or I get so discouraged I quail in despair. So I focus on X, then I have two more (smaller) goals after that. Then I reevaluate where I am, how I feel, what my body's doing, etc.

Grand total=24.2
Weight to go until X=32.8
% of goal reached=42.5%

Worrying About the Scale Trend

This is what happened last time before I crashed. Weight loss, cut in half, cut in half again, then stop. The last few days have been that: two pounds, one pound, half a pound...tomorrow is...?

I've been cold. Really cold, especially at night. This is freaky for me because I'm generally a furnace. Last night I told Mark I was going to take my temperature, just for snicks: 97. No wonder I'm cold; I have a budding case of hypothermia.

Tonight we had our "Family Fun Night," the one night a week we watch TV and have dinner simultaneously, generally having "fun food." We haven't had that the last few weeks due to both Mark's insane schedule and my diet. But tonight we did it. I made them chili with scoops (scoop shaped chips). This was particularly difficult for me. Today was my "skip" day on the shots and I've felt all the more hungry again. The very long habit of the fun food and TV, along with something super savory, replete with cheesy goodness was a difficult combination.

Now they're at a Mozart concert. I feel bad because I can't go. But this is why I'm doing this: to get my health back. No, losing weight won't utterly fix my back--but it will help, and help the pending surgery (and its recovery), as well as the long term.

I've got to keep up the good fight: savory chips or not.

A New...Opportunity

My car died again. This time, it was more than just slightly inconvenient. Anna and I were on our way to her doctor appointment. The doctor believes she's anemic and found her heart rate was "irregularly irregular;" a new thing. I've been trying not to think about it. He says not to worry, but...come on! He thinks the heart rate is quite possibly caused by the anemia.

So, my poor squirt had to fast for the first time in her life. The best they could do was a 9:45 appt. We had our plans, I had an apple packed, we did school (some of it) early. We were rolling.

For about two seconds. My car dies in front of the house. I freak, but remember Mark told me how to add transmission fluid (I thought it was healed!). I'm feeling grumpy at the moment because I wanted Mark to take us, but he had to go to school. I put some in there, unsure of the amount, but figuring he could deal with it when we were all home. I make it around the corner, and it dies again, in front of an absent neighbor's house. I put some in again, getting transmission fluid all over my hands (not happy). I tell Anna I will aim the car toward home, seeing if it will stay in gear. It immediately fell out of gear, jackknifed in the street. I instruct Anna to pray like mad as we've GOT to get the car out of the street, and back up the hill into our driveway. It works; we do.

I call Mark. He says when he gets home he'll call the auto place and check out the car. We fervently hope it was just EMPTY, and that now there's enough fluid maintaining to get it to town.

So I call the doc's office. They're closed next week, they only do blood draws on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Thus extending Anna's medical issues another week or two or...? And my car is dead.

So what do I want to do? Eat. Here's my opportunity: learn to deal with stress in another way besides eating. But right now, I just feel upset and hungry. I told the doctor's scheduler I'd call her back after I got a hold of Mark. But I don't want to. I just want to be comforted, but instead I need to be an adult, call the doc, and finish Anna's school for the day, and wait for Mark to get home (in an hour?) and deal with this. I must patiently wait. It sucks to be the adult.

Day 18: Meh

Only .4 pounds today. I guess I got used to a big loss every day! More in a bit...

Day 17: Yeah, Baby!

Hunger? I scoff at hunger! 1.2 pounds yesterday. And a fasting morning blood sugar under 100 (94) for the first time in...?

Grand total: 23+ pounds.

Why I Feel Cranky

Last night Mark and I watched the "sneak preview" of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. They'll run it again this weekend--I heartily encourage you to watch it. Anyway, on this show, Jamie is helping an obese family with their food choices (among other things).

So immediately the wounds I've carried for 20 years are ripped open. All these people eat is nasty, processed junk. I mean, you have to watch the show to believe it. I do not eat that way. We always have (and always have had) lots of fresh food, produce, etc, as a daily part of our diet. If we ate that way (like people--ok, my dad--think), Mark and Anna would be obese as well.

Mark and I got into a talk and he said, in all his years of grocery, obese people always buy that stuff. No veggies. No fruits. Lots and lots of processed junk. Not as the occasional treat, but as daily fare. I asked him if there are any other people like me, who are in that weight class, but who eat and buy healthy. He thought for awhile and said, sadly, no, he's never seen that. Not once in 18 years.

SO. WHY. AM. I. LIKE. THIS?

I Ruined My Chicken and Other Foul Events

Well, that's pretty much the only one. I was delighted to be able to share an almost-normal meal with Anna and Mark tonight. I was preparing a whole chicken; I was going to cut a little off for me (though that's not smiled on, but I figured what could happen?!). We'd all have salads, etc. Variations on a chord structure.

Then I forgot and went into auto-pilot: I put olive oil on the bird before placing it in the oven. That is strictly forbidden. Rats!

OK, there are good things to report. My fingernails are no longer breaking. My blood sugar is markedly lower (I'll find out how much lower in the morning; I ran out of strips for several days and just got some). My overall musculo-skeletal pain is definitely less. One of my very best friends told me I looked happy. That surprised me, but as I trust her implicitly, she must be right! Imagine that. Today, right now, hungry as I am, I am glad I stuck through last week. It was a close one.

35# until X. Seems like a lot. But considering I've already lost 22, that's 39% of my first big goal. That's not nothing!

38 days until stabilization (subject to change). I can do it. :)

Day 16: Woo Hoooooo!

Down two (2) pounds today. Wow! Grand total= 22 pounds and counting.

Weight Update

I've lost 20 now: 10 on my own, 10 on the HCG.

Why I Am Torturing Myself and a Bit of History

My endocrine system is messed up. It's been messed up for most of my life. Who knew when I was a teen with occasional irregular cycles I was a ticking time bomb, set to explode in my early 20s when I developed PCOS in earnest? Ever since the first nuclear explosion (gaining @80 pounds in six months), I've been big. I had chubby tendencies before, but nothing like now.

I've mentioned before as an adult I've followed a distressing pattern: healthy eat (avoiding carbs) down to a point, let's call it X, then it flatlines, then it comes back, each time bringing more with it. This has happened at least three times since Anna was born. As of today, X is about 35 pounds below where I am now.

I've set X as my first goal. After X is achieved, I go from there. I've not been able to get below X since...1993. Sadly, X is big. But, not nearly so. I'm still unhappy that I was/am 10 pounds heavier than I thought. That makes it less likely I'll reach X before this cycle of hellish torture--I mean--HCG is over (I go on stabilization around May 1). I mean, it's possible, and that would be beyond awesome, but I'll just have to see. I really do hope and pray for that. At X I almost recognize my face again.

OK, anyway, why I do this. I've planned on talking about this for awhile, but it's difficult. The biggest reason: my mother. She died because she could not give up smoking--would not give up smoking. Oh, but she loved her cigarettes. And in the harsh glare of reality, she loved them more than us, and she died, long before she should have.

She just couldn't face giving up her comfort--even though the smoking caused her unspeakable suffering. I won't do that. Yes, it does feel very unfair to me that my body doesn't work like I want it to. No, I do not eat enough to sustain my body weight--it just doesn't work properly. While a "normal" person can eat sugar sometimes, I really can't. I love sugar. It's so yummy. And for my body sugar includes bread, potatoes, pasta, rice...all tasty things.

But if what it comes down to at the end of the day, if I can't eat them and be a more normal healthy weight, I can't eat them. I can't conscience doing to Anna and Mark what my mom did to us--choosing her addiction over her family. I miss her every day. I still need my mom, and Anna still needs her Grammy. And she's gone. I know in her heart she'd not believe this, but where the rubber meets the road, she loved cigarettes more than everything else in her life.

I won't do that to them. Whatever it takes.

Day 15: I Don't Want to Totally Get My Hopes Up...

...but today it's down again .8. That's two days in a row if you're keeping track at home.

My hunger and accompanying fatigue were bad yesterday. So bad I had to leave the potluck early and fell asleep in an hour.

Day 14: That's It?

Seems like oh-so-much longer! Well, today I'm down .8. I'll take it. If it kept up at this rate, but the time I'm---bother! I'm doing it again! I need to learn to take it as it comes. Trying to figure everything out never works. Whatever fun I have with my calculator, in the end, I will have lost what I have lost. Of course I'm hoping for some pound losing magnificence, but adding to my stress during this process is not helping.

The increased meds seem to be (helping), at least a little. After church we went to the store and by the time we got home my blood sugar was so low I was a raving lunatic (or at least felt like one). Tonight is a potluck. I'm bringing my own air diet dinner and truth be told, am worried about the savory array of potluck goods.

With the foibles with the scale breaking and breaking in a new one, there's a slight gray area as far as weight is concerned. But it looks like I can say, from the start of my program + the HCG Era, I'm down #20.

Day 13: -.4 (Ho Hum)

.4? Not much. But...it's not up. I figure at this rate, each pound lost will have cost $41--and that's if I keep up this ripping pace of .4 per day. A big if. Why, oh why did I not just do my own program until I reach that dreadful plateau point? Ok, I know why. Because I thought I was -10 than I actually was/am. And I thought (from all the press) that it'd be a quick and easy way to lose 40+ pounds in six weeks. I believed I'd be at or below the dreaded plateau point, and quickly. I hate being wrong. And I hate wrongness costing money even more.

I suppose a couple of days will tell the tale once the harpoon-based injections have a chance to get the HCG levels up. Then we'll know if it's "working." Even so, while I will of course be somewhat relieved if the touted pound a day begins to come off, this past wasted (and torturous) week+ of nothing will sully the total for me. That's just how I roll.

And as usual, it's all supposition. I did wake up less hungry today than I have. Maybe that's progress.

It's Good to Know I'm Aces if I Get Caught in a Famine

...cause my body's in starvation mode. A person of my size eating >500 calories a day should be dropping weight like mad.

The shot helped a little, I think. Not shaking now, that's something good. We'll see in a couple of days if the change to the bayonet in the thigh injections will make a difference and make this {cursed} diet do what it's touted to do.

...or if I'll just go barking mad, stretch a rubber glove over my head and run down the street buck naked crowing, "I'm a rooster!"

Hope? Him, Not Me

So I spent the morning so hungry I was weak and shaky. I then wrote my doctor telling him why I think I should quit. I just heard back from him. He doesn't want me to quit, he wants me to do an extra injection right now, and change from subcutaneous (under the skin) to intra-muscular (into the thigh).

He thinks it will work. I think he's extended my payment book on torture, but I'll try it.

Freak Show: The Only One to Ever Gain on This Diet

I can't go on this way. Of course my doctor is on vacation again (the week I started, back last week, now gone again). Bad timing.

I'm 30# above the point I *always* plateau. So I know I could do my program (no sugar, bread, pasta, potatoes or rice--except long grain brown) and lose--and feel good in the process. 8# in two weeks of torture? Not good math.

I feel like such a freak.

Day 12: Do You Think I Can Get My Money Back?

Up .2 pounds.

Enough said.

Two Months is a Long TIme to be Hungry

The doctor keeps saying that this symptom will improve. Well, it hasn't. Sometimes I can ignore it, other times, not so much. I could live with it more cheerily if the weight was doing as it ought, but again, not so much.

And there's a long way to go until I begin the "stabilization" phase (Three weeks of any food BUT carbs or sugar--sound Spartan? Sounds like a feast to me!), probably around May 1. Feels like forever, but I know that time will pass anyway and the odds are in my favor things will improve in the meantime.

One mystery solved. The rogue scale, brazenly leading me on by saying I was 10# less than I am left me a bit confused. I said to Mark the other day, "This was what I weighed when I got pregnant with Anna, but I felt smaller than I do now." I figured it was age; 10 years is a long time (Groan, has it been that long?). But now I know the truth: I WAS smaller than now.

And let's hope tomorrow I'm smaller than I am today.

Day 11: .8

At least it's something? Yeah, I'm a little disappointed. I hoped maybe with all the tweaking there'd be a more impressive show, or perhaps several gallons of water weight would rectify this obvious misunderstanding between me, my body, and this diet, but no...several days with 8/10 of a pound to show for it. Heck, again, I could have done that myself while enjoying nuts, cheese, and hand lotion (not ingested of course).

So I figured out if it was .8 the rest of the time, I'd lose another 25# before the end of this cycle of diet purgatory, which still stings as my goal is now 10# higher than it was yesterday morning. I know it is what it is, but what it is...sucks.

But there's no guarantee of even a .8 loss daily. Why must I always try to grasp at certainty? I've done this the entire diet (and my entire life). When it was a pound a day, I had a nice plan (my calculator is never far away). When it was 1/2 a pound a day, I had that. I know I need to just accept what it is and try not to make assumptions, calculations, and plans, but it's hard for me. That's just not how I roll. What makes for an efficient editor and event planner makes for an unhappy and rigid person.

Tomorrow: A Big Day

With the scale foibles, it's been two days since I've gotten a reliable current weight (ok, well, I guess it's been a couple of years since buying my late not-lamented demon-puppet scale). With a couple of tweaks from my doc and dogged determination from me, let's see if the weight is down tomorrow.

It better be, or I may indulge in a chimp-out of epic proportions.

One thing my doctor added was giving myself B12 shots. In the leg. That's immediately after I give myself a shot in the tummy. All this for eight pounds? Crikey, I've lost eight pounds lots of times and none of those times involved poking myself in sensitive areas with needles.

Chin up but Barely

Had a meltdown this morning, just feeling so fat and hopeless. This stupid diet! It's making me mental (short trip, I know). I'm so wishing I had of kept on my own program until I reached a plateau there, then went on this hellish journey.

I know there's hope that it will all straighten out and start acting as it should. But I can't see it from here. It's hard to swallow that I'm paying for this!

Trying to think of positive things: it's helping my blood sugar. It's down, which is good, as it had been creeping up in a naughty fashion.

Uhm, trying to think of more...thinking, thinking....uhmmmmm....?

Day 10: A Cosmic Kick in the Crotch

The new scale has been purchased. And it turns out the duplicity of our old scale was formerly underestimated. The new scale weighs 10# heavier. That means I was 10# heavier than I thought, and I have 10# more to lose. Mark is likewise distraught. I keep reminding myself that I've still lost weight overall, that number is unchanged (I think....). But I know not whether the last two days of tweaking have restarted my weight loss.

All the "facts" show is that with the new scale and new diet, I've suddenly gained 10#.

Long Day, Sore Back, More Meds

My doctor has increased my meds and made a few suggestions for things to try to get the weight loss going again.

But today has been heinous. After doing school, I drove Anna to her lesson, then we ran errands, both of us had doctor appointments, then went out to Hadlock to get Bessie after her surgery. Mark's still at work, and my back feels like it's been worked over by a battle mace, and yet I really need to get on with making dinner.

A Dark Omen

My scale went scihtzoprehnic, swinging wildly (if digital can be wild) within a range of five pounds. While it FEELS like my weight fluctuates that quickly, I know it can't. And then after torturing me for a few minutes while I kept scooting it here and there, begging it to make a commitment, it committed suicide.

This can't be good.

Day 9: Real Time Blogging?

Anna and Mark have left to take Bessie to the vet to get spayed. I purposefully waited to go weigh in case it went bad. Yesterday I was a bit...disquieted.

So here we go. I'm now going to go check and find out if yesterday (and the day before) was an aberration, or if my whole life sucks ....

What Will Tomorrow Bring?

I've followed the diet all day. I went back to an assemblage of food that resulted in weight loss last week. I'm wondering what the scale will say in the morning?

I have a doctor's visit about it in the afternoon.

Trying to Give it a Little More of a Chance

...but I don't want to. I'm tired of being starving all the time. I told Mark and Anna I'd give it another week and hope and pray the doctor can fix it, if indeed it's fixable for me. If nothing starts working again, my plan is to go on the stabilization (as to not gain back the #8 I've lost on it), then back on my original weight loss plan, such as it is, and probably get back on thyroid, etc.

Day 8: THIS SUCKS

Weight loss for the week:

Day 1: 2
Day 2: 3
Day 3: 3
Day 4: 1.5
Day 5: 1
Day 6: 1/2
Day 7 (today:) 0

I've not deviated one ounce, and it's been a long, horrible week (hungry), despite minor tinkering by my doctor. This sucks. I feel cheated.

And the Verdict is...

Try to not have the beef for a few days, see if that makes a difference. Ugh. I was somehow hoping for something magical and surefire.

Still hungry. Seems increasing the dose doesn't help me all that much. I can live with the misery a whole lot better if the weight loss is there.

If there's all suffering and no payoff, why do it? It seems everybody else on the planet but me feels well, healthy, and not hungry on the program, while dropping gross tons of weight every day.

A Little Calmer (But Still Worried)

Worrying that my body won't do anything right, ever, no matter how hard I (or whomever is working with me on my health at the time) try.

Day 7: Hysterical Anger and Dissappointment

So it's way to soon to have my weight loss stalled. It went from 3#, to 1.5# to 1# to today--1/2#. Not cool. I can lose that on my own program, and not be starving all the time.

Mark tells me not to panic. Easy for him to say. I hope the doctor has a good explanation/solution for this besides what seems obvious to me: that I'm a freak and there's no real hope for me.

But one thing's for sure, I'm not willing to do this diet if it doesn't really work for me. It's too miserable.

That'll teach me to have hope.

Mark Bought Me a Codpiece Yesterday and I'm Really Enjoying It

...of course it's not that exciting to be limited to 3 ounce servings (and no tarter sauce, of course....).

:)

Something to Smile About

I realized a little while ago, to the best of my recollection (Senator...), this is the lowest I've weighed since shortly after my stomach surgery, some 2.5 years ago!

I can do this thing.

Day 6: Looking for the New Normal

This is going to take a long time. Today was my eighth injection. It hurt. I tried taking a long bath while Anna and Mark had breakfast (my breakfast is plain tea). It didn't help much, as the sausage smell wafted into the bathroom, and I was dismayed to notice while in the bath, "Hey, I'm still fat."

It feels like way longer than a week. I'm desperately hoping a new normal will materialize and the days won't be so long and so food-focused. Down only a pound (grand total -17.5). The book says it's normal, but I want better than normal! I was hoping because I weigh roughly the same as a baby element the weight would continue to fall off at a super fast rate.

My skin is dry and uncomfortable--especially my lips. As the whole function of this diet is to burn "abnormal stored fat," I can ingest almost no fat, and that includes putting fat on the skin (like lotion or chapstick). It's quite unpleasant, in fact.

I often find myself wishing I had of continued on my own plan (the plan I lost my first #10 this time) on until I reached that hideous plateau point, then went on this. I understand in time this will all be worth it. But right now I'm feeling pretty miserable with no end in sight.

A Yampy Day

Things are a little better, and a little worse. My doctor called and did up my med dose. Thankfully he checked his messages before beginning another leg of travel. So nice to have a doctor who cares after an oh-too-long rabble of bastards who could care less. So with a higher dose, I think I'm feeling a little better. Still hungry, but not as. We'll see how that pans out. I have my first appointment since starting the program on Tuesday.

My surgery is now back to August. While I'm kind of bummed, I'm also kind of relieved. If this diet goes as I hope and dream, less weight pulling on my back can only be a good thing.

Today's weight loss only #1.5. I'm going to tweak when I had my fruit and hope for a bigger loss tomorrow. Diet math: loss=gain.

Day 5: Feeling Like the Beginning of a Long Prison Term

Today does not dawn brightly, as my weight loss was down (only 1.5) and my hunger up. No word yet on the adjusting the meds, and as I was about to bump myself up a little, Anna remembered today is the "off" day (once a week) from the shot (sadly, not from the diet). So languishing in rabid hunger on a grey, cloudy day does not sound very promising.

My surgery is now moved (back) to August. Timing is everything, and with a combination of work, diet, and activities, August is just better overall.

Oh, help me. Mark's cooking sausage....

Tired of Hunger (and Lettuce)

Still waiting to hear back from my doctor on whether I can increase the amount of HCG I'm taking. My beginning the program had the unfortunate coincidence of occurring while he's on vacation. For women it has to be synced up with one's cycle, so it was start now, or wait another month. And being I started the first time in January, I didn't want to put it off evermore.

I'm so hungry. And I hate being hungry. This afternoon, I was dividing up the leftovers from last night's birthday feast. Both Mark and Anna would have it for dinner, but as Mark gets home at 8:00 tonight, I wanted to get it divided and heated up for Anna's dinner, some three hours earlier. That was tough.

I was going through an especially hungry stretch and my hands actually shook when I dished up the food. I didn't know whether to curse myself for a food whore, or pat myself on the back for not just burying my face in the Chinese food and having done with it. I beat you this time, General Tso...

Day 4: I Hurt

...but I know why. Part of the HCG protocol is an avoidance of over-the-counter analgesics and anti-inflammatories, of which I partake daily. Or did. I realized today why my joints (all of them) and knees...and shoulders...and back (more than normal) hurt so much: the levels of anti-inflammatory in my system have crashed. Thus, I hurt. But I will power through--mostly because I've lost EIGHT POUNDS this week (yes, including the 3 I gained on the loading days). So, my grand total is 15 pounds.

In other news, my headache is now gone. Thank the good Lord in heaven. My hunger is better, too. Not gone, but better. The scent of food drives me mad. Today Mark made Anna and himself scrambled eggs with cheese and ham. Torture. Last night, watching them eat chow mein, General Tso's Chicken, and chocolate cake...the sixth level of hell.

Yesterday afternoon I had a frustrating conversation with my dad. He is utterly incapable of either believing or accepting that there's something wrong with my metabolism. It's easier in his world to believe I must be a closet eater, which I am not. I tried, for the 85,396th time, to explain to him how it works for me, every time: I follow a strict diet avoiding sugar, rice, bread, potatoes, and pasta. I have slow improvement, eventually plateauing at a stupidly high number. Then, the weight comes back, even when I'm still following the very healthy, endocrinologist-sponsored diet. This has happened enough times to make a Marine cry. His response, "So you never eat a burger?" My reply, "Yes. But once a week is not enough to make one obese." I left it at that because a) it was Anna's birthday and b) he was giving us a ride to her dance class as my minivan is still broken. He just doesn't get it. He'll never learn. And apparently, I have the same affliction as I keep trying to make him understand.

His lack of understanding and compassion makes me miss my mother all the more.

Day 3 (Will it Ever End?)

It's only 2:00 p.m. and my willpower is sorely tested. Baking Anna's cake is pure torture...as was making nachos for Mark. Ugh!

My back surgery is set for May. Two months to do my utmost on this diet beforehand. Just add that to the list of leading motivations. But motivation or not, it's not making me any less hungry or miserable today.

This whole thing is a trip, both the diet and the surgery. It's like an extremely high stakes card game--either I come out wildly victorious, claiming my health back from the jaws of despair, or I lose--again--this time being out a lot of money and possibly being worse off from the surgery.

Wish I were more of a gambler.

Woman vs. Metabolism

They said I wouldn't be hungry! So far...not true. This is Day 3 of the HCG protocol. The HCG protocol includes injecting yourself daily (in your belly) and a VLCD (very low calorie diet). I call it the Very Little Food Diet. Thus far, I'd have to say it sucks!

This is my second attempt at it. I tried it two months ago and crashed and burned the first day. I was so weak and shaky I could barely stand. So my doctor and I decided I'd take a little time and work on my diet on my own. The first few weeks I said I was, the last few weeks I actually was. I lost 10# on my own.

And then it was time.

The first two days are "loading" days, where you eat like a horse. This is allegedly to make sure there's enough calories and fat circulating in your system while your body adjusts to the low calories and begins to convert your own stored fat into energy. This week it's converted my stored fat into an almost perpetual headache.

So I gained 3# on loading. They say that's normal, but doesn't it seem counter productive? I secretly think it's to inflate the overall net loss at the end of the cycle. In any case, I'm 5# down, including the 3#.

Day 1 was misery. I was starving all day. But I wasn't shaky, so I stuck with it. Yesterday and so far today I'm hungry and have a headache. I hate headaches.

Today is my daughter's birthday and I'm baking her a cake. That should be well, not fun. But in for a penny, in for a pound. I will power through.