For the First Time in 3 Months....

I had sugar. Cheesecake, actually. But it was a controlled experiment. I didn't freak and suddenly start stuffing sugar into my face. I had decided to see what sugar did, when taken in a controlled manner. So I had salad for lunch, then a piece of lime cheesecake.

I feel kind of "yuck" now. Hmmmm. I'm wondering what my system will do. I hope I don't start craving it like mad. And I really hope my weight doesn't shoot up. Guess I'll see tomorrow!

Nuts

I've identified the nut in a lineup: almonds. Sucky sucky sucky! How did this happen? I've eaten 8,000 pounds of almonds in my life. And now? Sigh. I went a couple of weeks nut free, then tried a small serving yesterday. By that evening, I was speckled. Thankfully, my serving size was small, so the damange was easily reversible.

Tried peanuts today. I'm hoping for the best as they're a legume, not a nut.

So, I can't believe I've drifted down yet more. This is pretty sweet. And I can still have a reasonable portion of carbs a couple of times a week. I likey.

So, I had spaghetti...and...

Decade of X!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Pound Up (Cha Cha Cha)

I know in my head the pound isn't earned, but still, it twinges. Especially since tonight is my one night a week I'm *allowing* myself carb with dinner. Tonight it's Cincy style chili (bless you, Corinne). We went whole grain with the pasta, and there's a lot of protein, plus it's being couched with salad (and not ice cream--more's the pity), but still. The scale is my tyrant.

Hello, Legumes (down another .2)

I had black bean chili last night. Oh, how I missed it! Yum-o. Then down again another .2. Sweet! I've gotten official clearance to not fight against the slow downward movement of the scale (thank you thank you thank you). Since it's been a month+ since I've quit injecting, plus I've been eating plenty, it's all good.

Hovering

And that's just fine with me! If my body wants to drop a couple more pounds, then hang out there while I eat bacon and the occasional careful carb, it can just go ahead! I'm on the countdown for the next hcg cycle, should be three weeks until I start shooting up again.

Wanna giggle? I'm but 1/2 pound above Decade of X.

Weight Lost: Again to #47

So this morning I did one of those deranged sort of laughs. I saw I had lost another pound. So it's now back down to -2# from my LIW. Any more and I'm ordered to "eat more."

Growth (and bacon)

Last night I was feeling bad late in the evening. I had just experienced a non-therapeutic dose of toxic person radiation and like I said, I was feeling bad. I had tea with Mark and we watched a fine movie (The Young Victoria). What was especially good about it, was I didn't have the old familiar desire to bury my pain in ice cream. Growth. Still detoxing from the unpleasant experience today, but again, not burying my feelings in food.

Today I had lunch out with a lovely friend (also good therapy for toxic person radiation sickness). There's one restaurant I can eat in, as they have a couch. I nearly always get the same thing there (I love it!!), a bacon burger. Today I...wait for it...ordered a salad. It was really good! And it had bacon on it! Boy, was that tasty. I was a little twingy at dessert time, but I had a cup of my beloved peppermint tea. And I was fully satisfied. Growth.

Hard to Believe

Soooooo....pizza on Saturday. Back on program Sunday. Since sometimes weight gain takes two days to show, I held my breath, wondering what it would say. It was...it was...for the first time in a month...below my LIW. I'm not kidding! Half a pound.

Life is wacky, ain't it?

Woot! Woot! Woot!

The scale this morning...UNCHANGED! I have vanquished the pizza!

Eating it was kinda weird. I wanted to keep eating. I really wanted to have ice cream or Greek yogurt after. I didn't. I waited awhile to see if I quit wanting to eat (didn't), then had an apple (which helped).

I'm not going to eat "off program" today. I'll need to bring my own food again to our church's "youngish adults" potluck. I don't like doing that, but it's worth it as it's fun to go. I have a lunch date tomorrow at my special place (the one place in town with a couch), so I'm saving myself for that. I think for the first time in my adult life, I may voluntarily order a salad.

:)

Pizza Day

Like I said, I fear food. I fear after one bite of pizza, I'll suddenly shoot fat like a geyser.

Foiled Again

We tried to make pizza for my first test meal. We didn't have quite enough flour so when Mark tried to make the dough...failure. It's one of those days where nothing goes as planned, and I'm feeling crabby.

On a good note, my weight is at the LIW, which is nice. Maybe I've stabilized a bit? Yesterday I went wild and had a chopped carrot in my salad.

Graduated

Well, today I *can* eat more variety. Stage 4: Maintenance. But, am I going to eat anything I haven't been? Probably not. Not today. For one thing, I fear food. For another, I'm getting back in the ring in a couple of weeks, and for my brain chemistry, it's not the best thing to be challening my system a bunch right now. There are a few special events coming up, and I'd like to save my "challenges" for them.

Mark suggested I take benadryl for my food allergy facial rash. So I did. My face is better, but it messed up my sleep and I feel kinda gross this morning. I'm going nut-free for a week. The logical choice is nuts for my new found facial rash. Then I guess I'll try one kind, and see. Then another, and so forth. Shouldn't take long as I've only had three kinds. I think it's likely almonds. I've been eating a ton of them. We'll see. I still feel like a troll with my face all puffed up. But it's a LOT better this morning.

Mark and Anna took off half an hour ago for a Mariners game. I feel rather lonely. I have a lot to do (mostly unpleasant stuff like business phone calls). I will be hanging out with Captains Picard and Sisko today, bet on it, peeps.

Last Day of Stabilization

I'm giving up on the keeping track of these days. I just know it's my last official day of stabilization: graduation time. In a couple of weeks I get started again, so I need to be very, very cautious with my food right now.

I'm kind of scared of food, actually. I've gained it back so many times, despite not going whole hog, so, I'm scared. I never know when my metabolism will freak out on me, causing untold devastation.

So, I will be careful. Very careful. And hope for the best.

Ouch, my face

The doc thinks it a food allergy based on the timing of my transition from hcg to stabilization. So, I must cut out one food (cashews, a likely candidate) and wait a week. Then almonds, and so forth. That sounds like an awful long time to have my face on fire. :(

The good news is my labs were great. Blood sugar and cholesterol all down, and down a lot. All the other values were good, too.

About three weeks (give or take) 'till I'm back in the saddle again.

I saw a note on my chart he had written awhile ago that said something about he thought I should lose #140. OUCH? REALLY? Am I *that* large?

I feel like Jabba the Hutt again.

Day 20: Losing Track of the Days

I'll be glad to start at one again. I had another thought. Yesterday, the hardest past with food was on the way home. Typically if we've been out all day, on the way home we'd likely get a take out meal somewhere cheap. Healthy? Not really. Convenient? Yeah.

I was very tired and sore (darn back!) on the way home. We drove part McD's (only fast food in town, sadly) after we got off the ferry after 5. I commented to Mark were it not for the diet, we could drive through and have done with it. He agreed. I was uber sore, but needed to make dinner when we got home.

I had planned for something "easy," but when you're doing all from scratch, even easy takes awhile. So I schlepped around the kitchen shredding and rehearing roast beef, making salads, then turning 2/3 of the beef into panini for Mark and Anna (beef, dijon, crusty Italian bread, different kinds of cheese). Mark said the dinner was awesome, but still, I had to make it, and it made dishes!

But, on the other hand, I guess it means I *can* live like this. And today, the weight was down #1. That is irksome. Up one, down one, up one, down one. My foodcentric waltz.

Day 19: A Picnic (but no cake)

Yes, I was wrong last time. I missed a day.

Well, the weight is creeping back up. Still in the zone, but up. So, can this mean dairy is not the culprit? Oh, please! And my rosacea (?) is bad. Worse than ever. And after no dairy for a week, again, I think dairy is not the perp.

Had a fun picnic today, but at times it was tough. I don't physically crave sugar anymore, but I did feel a little bit...something...that I couldn't have the same food as everybody else. Had a great time, though. The food situation didn't ruin that.

Tomorrow is my "final" appt. (that came with the pre-paid hcg package). I'll also ask the doc about my poor face.

Day 17: I Think

Did I miss yesterday? I don't know. I'm Rhody-addled. Well, the weight is hanging in at a skosh over my LIW. Ok. Wish it was hanging in at 2#- my LIW, but let's not split hairs. I'll get there, right? Whilst I generally flee from cameras like they were dementors or black riders, I've been subjected to viewing a couple of recent snaps of me. I must say, I'm quite pleased to see that I do look smaller. My ass has reduced in mass quite a bit. :)

End of this week I can try carb. Doc doesn't want me to go all out, as it is a short time between HCG rounds. I see the logic. But I also see visions of pizza dancing in my head. On Friday, I shall try it. I'm not going to go buck wild, though. I have it planned out carefully. Light breakfast, light dinner, no pop, no dessert. And probably two pieces and end it. And we see what my body does.

Film at 11.

Day 16: Two Pounds Down (Oh no!)

Oh no because I have been sans dairy for two days. I see no other reason for a precipitous drop. Of course I'll have to test this again. At least once. The thought of no dairy in perpetity makes me want to wail like a siren.

Two Days w/o Dairy

No weight change after one day. Let's see if there's a change tomorrow. I'm wondering how many days before the experiment is conclusive? I miss cheese and cream.

Going to a picnic on Monday. I know I *can* manage with bringing my special food, and watching them all munch cake and chips, but I'm feeling a little internally pouty about it. The old, "Why can't I eat like a normal person?" thing. I know it's not my road (normalcy), but being a freakshow isn't that great.

Day 15: Stationary, but up

Grrrr. Grrr squared. Technically, it's one ounce over the top "limit." But it's staying there. Again, I repeat: why can't it stay at the lower end?!

Two weeks into stabilization.

Day 14: Up Again

Boucing up and down. There seems to be no pattern to it. But I'm still in the zone, so it has to be good enough.

Feeling awfully blue. Someone close to me is having a serious crisis in their marriage. My dad's sweet dog is suddenly terribly ill and will likely be gone in a day or two. Of course he's in Montana. I can do nothing about either thing.

I just feel sad.

Day 13: Phew again

I've got to get used to the bouncy weight. It's back down in the zone. Feh. I wish it'd cooperate. I had an epiphany. My rosacea came back after I added in dairy again. Nooooo! Can't be!

I put off my dairy fast for one more day. I realized I had all the stuff planned for a taco salad and a bowl with lettuce and meat (with no sour cream or cheese) didn't quite do it for me today. Especially today, when I had a bad night's sleep and have been troubled with a severe headache all day.

Feeling grumpy.

A Plan

So if my weight is up, it's a steak day. If it's not, I'm going to try the no dairy thing for a bit, see what, if any, difference it makes. I'm so sad to say goodbye again to cheese and cream. Sniff sniff...

I talked to my doctor's hcg person today. I asked if it was normal for weight to bounce around so much during the stabilization. She said it was absolutely normal and the fact I hadn't needed a steak day was unusual (in a good way--most do by now).

So, that's pretty cool. Guess it's going ok. I guess optimism isn't my close companion. Funny. Wonder why?

Day 12: Bother!

Up a full pound again (two days in a row). One more ounce tomorrow and it's a steak day. Grrr. It seems it only stays the same two days in a row--and that only has happened twice.

Vexing.

Time is going faster now (that I can eat food)

Halfway through stabilization. About a month before round 2 of the DIET. Today I found myself idly looking at the calendar, wondering if I could fit in another long program, and be done before my surgery. Nope. Not enough time. Three weeks will be delightful compared to the long program, but, naturally, I won't lose as much weight.

So I've been playing ping pong with it in my head. Should I do a long program before the holidays, after my surgery? Decided no. I think I'll be sticking with the plan of a short before the surgery, and another short after recovery. It's really hard on the body, at least for me. I want to be as strong as I can be before the surgery, and the diet leaves me pretty wan and pathetic. And after the surgery, I'll need the time (and food!) to recover fully.

So, I guess my plans are thus (Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.): short session, surgery/recovery, short session, holidays. Long session. Then we see! By that point, I *should* be thinner than anybody in my current life, save Mark, has seen me. That would be pretty cool.

Ceteris paribus, in the next round, I should be able to conquer the elusive X, and change. Then, depending on whether or not I gain over the surgery (note to self: don't freak out if that happens), before the holidays, with another round, I should be well below X. So, if it all rolls, before the end of the year, probably 35ish pounds lower than now? Yeah, I want more, but it really doesn't pay to be impatient with this. I'm playing for keeps and taking it slow and sensible (though I'm a fast and insensible person) makes good sense.

Day 11: Holding Pattern

Ok, I can live with it.

Yesterday was hard. It was our Mother's Day as Mark has to work this afternoon. So, it felt like a holiday. Mark and I realized yesterday as the day was going on, those are days we tend to eat "special food." Going to Fort Flagler definitely kicked up the Ice Cream desire for me. And watching a movie last night made both of us want popcorn.

Sigh. Not easy.

And thinking of my mom and babies in heaven today, the actual Mother's Day. Comfort food is not an option. But that doesn't make it less desired!

Day 10: Up Again!

But still in the zone. Argh. What's with the bouncy weight!? I know they say the stabilization time is...well...unstable. But it's annoying.

Oh well, onward and upward. I'm not giving up.

Day 9: Woo hoo!

Nearly back to the LIW now. What a relief that is! And I did *not* cut out dairy. Another relief.

So it's good to know, at least for now, I can eat normally (within the boundaries of the stabilization protocol), and my weight remains stable. So I'm sitting on a 45# loss. I can live with it.

What I'm hoping is that every time I do a round of the weight loss, it will be thus. Guess we'll see in a month when I go for round 2 of the Almost No Food Diet.

Stay tuned....

And while I'm complaining

I'm tired of women gloating about being pregnant.

Tired

We have one week between semesters for Mark (still mad about it). So we've been running around, trying to catch up on a lot of errands that were undone during school. This does not do well with either my body or my temperament. I feel like I've hit the wall. I'm tired, sore, and just overall grumpy.

When I have to expend my meagre energy on outside the house stuff, the house stuff suffers. And then, so do I! I hate it when I can't do the house stuff to my satisfaction.

I insisted Anna get into bed at 7:30 and she was pretty irritated about it, but I just need the time! I'm so worn out. And there's a pile of laundry and dishes. But my back just doesn't want to do it.

Tonight I really really wished I could just toss some frozen nuggets and fries into the oven and have done with it. I'm feeling snarky about the program and always having to make stuff from scratch. Sometimes it's just nice to toss in a Papa Murphy's pizza and call it a day.

Lately I feel like I never get to call it a day! I'm tired of Mark's school. I'm just tired.

Day 8: Stationary

So, I can live with that. I'm still hoping it'll edge back down. It's static at 1.6# above LIW.

Still pondering a corrective day, just to...give it a helping hand back down a little bit.

Hmmmmmmmmm

Acquaintances are starting to come up to me and tell me I "look great." I feel quite dubious about this, as I still feel like Jabba the Hutt. Worse since my rosacea has come back. I feel like a spotted Jabba the Hutt.

Hope the scale is my buddy in the morning and the weight is further down. I would hate to be forced to bludgeon it.

Day 7: Whew!

It's dropping, it's dropping!

Well, that's a relief. Let us hope it continues until it sits on its lowest number, without stirring or any other hysterial behavior. Stay....stay...

A Stabilization Diet Creation

Plain greek yogurt, with stevia mixed in, layered with fresh strawberries and chopped plain almonds.

.2 increase

Which is much better than a full pound. With hormonal stuff at play, I'm hoping and praying that this is the main culprit. If my weight isn't down tomorrow, it's a corrective day. Feh.

The doctor suggested I quit dairy for a week. Just to see if it helps.

Mmmmmm. Thanks! I'm not that excited to give up cheese after just getting it back as an experiment! So, I'm thinking about it. We'll see when the hormonal cards are no longer stacking the deck. Then I'll decide.

Day 6: Scared to Weigh

The doc says I'm to do a corrective diet day if it's any higher. A) I don't want to do a corrective diet day and B) I don't want it to be any higher! It shouldn't be higher at all, darn it! I was griping to Mark it's like being sent to jail for a crime I didn't commit.

I just find the whole thing depressing and discouraging. Why can't my body do anything like it's supposed to do? They say God doesn't make mistakes, but I think my body is Exhibit A to the idea maybe that premise should be reconsidered.

Day 5: Wow

So, 4 pounds in 4 days. And my doctor won't return my messages. Trying not to freak, but seriously....

Day 4: This Sucks

So, 3 days, 3 pounds. No, it's not normal. No, it's certainly not fair! I've not had a speck of sugar. I've even avoided processed foods that are so good at hiding things like sugar, MSG, etc., under different names.

At this rate, I'll have to do the corrective day tomorrow...totally unearned.

Should have figured it was too good to be true.

Day 3: Grrr

Another pound up. Back to my LIW. Mark is trying to talk me down from the ledge. I have followed the stabilization to the letter. One is not supposed to "do anything" unless one hits 2# above the LIW.

But, darn it--I've been eating so healthfully!

Curses....