When I first got on the scale today, it said I'd lost 9#--since yesterday. I told it not to be stupid and weighed again. It was down half a pound (below my LIW), so while I want to believe it, I don't quite. I asked Mark to get a new battery for it as I don't want to get disappointed.
Meanwhile, I'm checking its cell phone history for unfamiliar numbers and going through its pockets.
A little blog about Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Stabilization: Day 5
Coming along. It went up a little more, then stayed at my LIW. I'm hoping it's done with the creeping up now. But I'm militant, and I'm ready with a steak. If it goes one ounce above The Zone, it's a dreaded steak day to beat it back down.
I will not be trifled with. ;)
In the meanwhile, I'm doing my best to eat super healthy and watching my calories. It might help, can't hurt.
I will not be trifled with. ;)
In the meanwhile, I'm doing my best to eat super healthy and watching my calories. It might help, can't hurt.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Stabilization: Day 3
It’s going fine! Again, it’s a stress on the body--all these transitions. On Tuesday (day 2), my weight jumped 2#. I was not too happy about that, though I know it’s expected and normal (It’s why they don’t have you count the losses incurred after the last injection.). After last session’s debacle (where the weight gain never did stop!), I was nervous. But today, no weight gain at all! So I’m still below my LIW (Last Injection Weight). I know it’s too early to declare victory, but I’m doing it for today.
Still hungry all the time. Lame. I think that’s just me and my blood sugar; if I don’t have healthy snacks between meals, I may as well lie down on the floor and refuse to get up. I don’t eat after dinner, though. I’m eating very carefully, trying to eat enough, but not too much (I guess we all do that, huh?).
I’m already doing well with the adjusting of meals (We’ve had enough practice at it over the years.). For example, they have tacos, I have taco salad. It’s all good. Food and lotion are still novel treats for me. It’s too soon for me to whine that I can’t have carbs. That will come later.
Still hungry all the time. Lame. I think that’s just me and my blood sugar; if I don’t have healthy snacks between meals, I may as well lie down on the floor and refuse to get up. I don’t eat after dinner, though. I’m eating very carefully, trying to eat enough, but not too much (I guess we all do that, huh?).
I’m already doing well with the adjusting of meals (We’ve had enough practice at it over the years.). For example, they have tacos, I have taco salad. It’s all good. Food and lotion are still novel treats for me. It’s too soon for me to whine that I can’t have carbs. That will come later.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Day 26: Finish Line
Breakfast was heavenly, baby! Yum! And lotion on my hands--wow. It's amazing how ordinary things can suddenly be extraordinary. :) This is the one day before I have to sweat out and worry weight gain. Stabilization last time? Forgeddaboudit. Not bueno.
I'm feeling quite optimistic about this one. Overall, I lost 21#. The last two don't count, as they're after the LIW, but maybe they'll stay off, right? Could happen! I'm eating as if they will. What my body does at this point is largely out of my control. I can only do my best. And I feel really like I'm there. Reset. Back in command. Healthy (for me).
Speaking of health, the Cortisol People called me today. My tests were high-normal, but normal. So, there's nothing more we can do right now. Soon, they want me to do one more test kit (fun) to see how it tracks when I'm not having those symptoms. Then, we wait until my body has another freak attack and start the process again.
Last time, before they got to me, I was at the end of a cycle, so that was little help (sadly expensive, though...groan). The next time, I'll be on it. Although I still hope there won't BE a next time. I could live with that. :)
I'm feeling quite optimistic about this one. Overall, I lost 21#. The last two don't count, as they're after the LIW, but maybe they'll stay off, right? Could happen! I'm eating as if they will. What my body does at this point is largely out of my control. I can only do my best. And I feel really like I'm there. Reset. Back in command. Healthy (for me).
Speaking of health, the Cortisol People called me today. My tests were high-normal, but normal. So, there's nothing more we can do right now. Soon, they want me to do one more test kit (fun) to see how it tracks when I'm not having those symptoms. Then, we wait until my body has another freak attack and start the process again.
Last time, before they got to me, I was at the end of a cycle, so that was little help (sadly expensive, though...groan). The next time, I'll be on it. Although I still hope there won't BE a next time. I could live with that. :)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Day 25: I forgot about this part
The drug that turns fat into energy and slightly modifies hunger is nearly out of my system. So, I end up feeling weak and super super super hungry again.
Will be a long afternoon and evening, but the end is so near!
Will be a long afternoon and evening, but the end is so near!
Day 25: home stretch!
Lost another .8 yesterday, down almost to 21#. Sweet! Clothes fit great. Tomorrow's my big day! I'm pretty stoked, really.
I know a month doesn't sound like a long time. "Hey, losing 20 pounds in a month? That's not long." Well, yeah. Unless you're standing in a hurricane the entire time. Then a month is quite a while.
My skin is cracked. I'm starving. And I've spent a month shivering all night. I've had to cook and watch everybody eat birthday food, pizza, and treats while I had three ounces of bland chicken and a handful of steamed asparagus. It's not easy. Medical weight loss SUCKS and should be avoided if your problem is overeating. Most people can cut their food and exercise, and weight comes off. There are some of us who that doesn't work for and we have to resort to extreme measures, and even then...results are dubious.
But, even so. Here I am! Poised and ready to start my fifth stabilization protocol. Bring it! Hey, one more bit--last night was the first night in a long time I wasn't shivering (two full days without the shots). Ahhhhhh!
I know a month doesn't sound like a long time. "Hey, losing 20 pounds in a month? That's not long." Well, yeah. Unless you're standing in a hurricane the entire time. Then a month is quite a while.
My skin is cracked. I'm starving. And I've spent a month shivering all night. I've had to cook and watch everybody eat birthday food, pizza, and treats while I had three ounces of bland chicken and a handful of steamed asparagus. It's not easy. Medical weight loss SUCKS and should be avoided if your problem is overeating. Most people can cut their food and exercise, and weight comes off. There are some of us who that doesn't work for and we have to resort to extreme measures, and even then...results are dubious.
But, even so. Here I am! Poised and ready to start my fifth stabilization protocol. Bring it! Hey, one more bit--last night was the first night in a long time I wasn't shivering (two full days without the shots). Ahhhhhh!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Day 24: Waiting Game
Two more days 'til food! Down nearly 20 now. :) Too bad this three days of weighing counts not. Oh well, I do appreciate a good buffer zone, as it's literally impossible to NOT gain weight when you start stabilizing. That's why they work in the days of buffer.
I can't wait for Monday!
I can't wait for Monday!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Day 23: Last Shot
Yep, today was it. It was with glee that I put away all my stuff and can let my poor bruised legs heal. Final tally? 19#. Now comes another hard part for me: stabilizing the loss. The 72 hours after the last shot suck, as you still have to stick to the diet. I'm ready to be DONE! I'm tired of the hunger and the split dry skin. I'm just done already!
It's been really hard this last week with a sick kiddo. Today we spent three hours for our doctor trip (and I only live 15 minutes out of town!). I've been exhausted all day. The last two weeks have been even busier than normal, and that's saying something. Starting with her birthday and party two weeks ago, followed by Mark's birthday, then she woke up sick the morning after his party, and so it goes.
I've been doing it all on 500 calories a day, and I just feel it catching up with me. I'm feeling that "exhausted on every level" sort of thing. Mark's been working at both jobs all week, and I'm so worn out, I go to sleep when Anna does, at 9:00 at night! It's been two days since I even had time to pick up my book.
But, I digress. 19# and food in three days! That's worth smiling about right there.
It's been really hard this last week with a sick kiddo. Today we spent three hours for our doctor trip (and I only live 15 minutes out of town!). I've been exhausted all day. The last two weeks have been even busier than normal, and that's saying something. Starting with her birthday and party two weeks ago, followed by Mark's birthday, then she woke up sick the morning after his party, and so it goes.
I've been doing it all on 500 calories a day, and I just feel it catching up with me. I'm feeling that "exhausted on every level" sort of thing. Mark's been working at both jobs all week, and I'm so worn out, I go to sleep when Anna does, at 9:00 at night! It's been two days since I even had time to pick up my book.
But, I digress. 19# and food in three days! That's worth smiling about right there.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Day 22: Uncle!
Yeah, I'm ready to be done. 1.2# today (after no loss yesterday). :) So I'm to 18+. Nice! Feeling much better, clothes fit much better. I can fit nearly all of my "weight loss clothes." Only one or two are too snug (that were snug even at my lowest). Yep, part of me would like to continue, get back to where I was, but no matter how I add up the math the answer is the same: that would be stupid.
So, I'm going to take my chips and leave the table. And totally hope the stabilization works and my body doesn't go into one of its hysterical feel-horribly-gain-tons-of-weight cycles. Time will tell.
I have started to notice some positives beyond the in my face discomforts. I have less all over pain. I've needed less back pain medication. My body likes the no sugar. So, after stabilization, I will continue to be extremely moderate in my sugar intake.
Too bad sugar is the best food in the world. ;)
So, I'm going to take my chips and leave the table. And totally hope the stabilization works and my body doesn't go into one of its hysterical feel-horribly-gain-tons-of-weight cycles. Time will tell.
I have started to notice some positives beyond the in my face discomforts. I have less all over pain. I've needed less back pain medication. My body likes the no sugar. So, after stabilization, I will continue to be extremely moderate in my sugar intake.
Too bad sugar is the best food in the world. ;)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Day 21: grumpy
Anna's sick; Mark's going down. We're having to cancel thing after thing after thing... I'm not sick, but I lost NO weight this morning and my hands hurt really badly.
I am grumpy: hear me roar!
I am grumpy: hear me roar!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Day 20: finally
The plateau broke, dropped 1.4 (I think; I weighed two hours ago and my brain has not yet had any caffeine!). So, I'm up to 16.5#!
Six days 'til food.
Six days 'til food.
Ready for this to be over
The bloom is off the rose! Losing weight is awesome, especially given my latest (long) rapid weight gain cycle (over which I have no control), but the hcg diet is difficult and unpleasant. Yeah, I'm tired of missing all the fun food occasions. I mean, I'm perfectly willing to tow the line and eat like a saint *almost* all the time. But gosh, I like to have a cupcake at a party as much as the next guy!
But, that's not the worst of it. After the first week, which is hellish in every way, the long term effects aren't fun. My skin is the worst right now. No fat in the diet (to make your body burn its own "dysfunctionally stored fat," a hallmark of the obesity gene according to the late great Dr. Simeons), also means no fat on your skin. At all. In winter. So my skin is dry and cracked, especially my hands. I felt them stinging yesterday and looked down to see drops of blood where they cracked. This, my friend, sucks.
I will see this through, though. I can make it until Monday (barely). I'm trying not to worry about what happened last time (a failure--though not my doing). I'm trying to focus on how well the other previous three cycles stabilized and maintained just fine. We're going for that. :)
But, that's not the worst of it. After the first week, which is hellish in every way, the long term effects aren't fun. My skin is the worst right now. No fat in the diet (to make your body burn its own "dysfunctionally stored fat," a hallmark of the obesity gene according to the late great Dr. Simeons), also means no fat on your skin. At all. In winter. So my skin is dry and cracked, especially my hands. I felt them stinging yesterday and looked down to see drops of blood where they cracked. This, my friend, sucks.
I will see this through, though. I can make it until Monday (barely). I'm trying not to worry about what happened last time (a failure--though not my doing). I'm trying to focus on how well the other previous three cycles stabilized and maintained just fine. We're going for that. :)
Monday, March 19, 2012
Not the most awesome day
No weight loss--which is doubly hard after the very painful food experience I endured yesterday (not eating the awesome birthday food)! And the final bit of my tests trickled in: according to them, I'm totally normal!
Neat.
Neat.
Day 19: Foiled!
Still no weight loss, but there's a reason. I've been sidelined by hormonal cyclical intervention. Things were, er, scheduled for Wednesday or so, which would fit with my last injection. Now, I either had to say yesterday was my last injection, or wait two days, then do my last three. I chose the latter, but with malice.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
So I almost had a nervous breakdown
But didn't. Making the world's greatest chocolate cupcakes was Not Fun.
Day 18: feh
No weight loss today. Hate that. But there's certainly precedent. Yesterday was a big loss (weight wise--the actual day was quite good!), so it doesn't surprise me today's a big goose egg (mmmm...eggs....). It goes in reverse sometimes, too. I'm just glad there's been no untoward gains this time. I hate that worse.
Three more shots to go, six more days 'til food! My friend Sea Monster is a big believer in calorie count. For me, with my psycho body chemistry, they've seemed to be largely irrelevant. But I decided to look up how many calories I have on an average day in my average life, vs. how much somebody of my height and build should have. For the most part, pretty good. I'm going to keep an eye on it and aim for the calories per day for what I *want* to weigh. In theory, for "normals," in a year I'd weigh my goal weight with no dieting.
Yeah, duh, this doesn't work for me. But I figure it won't hurt. And maybe in the meantime, we will find my root problem and fix it. Am I right, people?
Three more shots to go, six more days 'til food! My friend Sea Monster is a big believer in calorie count. For me, with my psycho body chemistry, they've seemed to be largely irrelevant. But I decided to look up how many calories I have on an average day in my average life, vs. how much somebody of my height and build should have. For the most part, pretty good. I'm going to keep an eye on it and aim for the calories per day for what I *want* to weigh. In theory, for "normals," in a year I'd weigh my goal weight with no dieting.
Yeah, duh, this doesn't work for me. But I figure it won't hurt. And maybe in the meantime, we will find my root problem and fix it. Am I right, people?
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Day 17: Yay!
15#! Sweet!
The weight loss going much better than the past cycles does make it hard to take my money and leave the table in a week. But I remind myself the underlying facts have not changed: my system is fragile and rapid medical weight loss is hard on it, and I need to stabilize before my family trip first week in May.
The weight loss going much better than the past cycles does make it hard to take my money and leave the table in a week. But I remind myself the underlying facts have not changed: my system is fragile and rapid medical weight loss is hard on it, and I need to stabilize before my family trip first week in May.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Day 16: I'm over this
I jinxed it. I was awful-ly hungry all day yesterday. Today I'm feeling rather weak and sickly. I'm banking I'm not sick, but it's the diet and the protein deprivation. :( 5 more shots, 8 more days 'til food!
.6 today. :)
.6 today. :)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Day 15: Two week wrapup
Ok, the revised two week weight loss figure is in (at the completion of two weeks): 13#! Sweet! Sure, some of it was water (all in my face), but even so: we'll take it.
The hunger is better. As I told my friend this morning, it's more like an annoying song going on the background now. Except when special food is around (like birthday food or pizza), then it's an annoying song in the forefront. But I know that song really, really well. So I can live with it.
The hunger is better. As I told my friend this morning, it's more like an annoying song going on the background now. Except when special food is around (like birthday food or pizza), then it's an annoying song in the forefront. But I know that song really, really well. So I can live with it.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
One week
One week 'til the last shot. There's some remaining medication, and I've been toying with continuing (I'd estimate there's one more week's in there). I'm leaning towards not. Mostly because I need ample time (more than the three weeks suggested) to stabilize before our family vacation to the Gulf Coast. And, I don't want to make my body mad.
It's a tough call, though. The lure of the ever lower scale is powerful. But, if I push it too far and upset my body, and cause it to go into a rapid weight gain cycle, what I have done will be for naught. Again.
So I guess I'll likely just end it on schedule, then do my best to get strong and eat as healthfully as I can. And as always, hope for the best.
It's a tough call, though. The lure of the ever lower scale is powerful. But, if I push it too far and upset my body, and cause it to go into a rapid weight gain cycle, what I have done will be for naught. Again.
So I guess I'll likely just end it on schedule, then do my best to get strong and eat as healthfully as I can. And as always, hope for the best.
Day 14: I knew it!
No weight loss today. That lends credence to my theory of cortisol being my dark master. After yesterday's cortisol fountain...no weight loss.
But what to DO about it? That is the question.
Two week tally: 11.2.
But what to DO about it? That is the question.
Two week tally: 11.2.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Stress, cortisol, and fat
I'm quite sure I have a cortisol problem. Whether it's Cushing's disease, or something else, I think the root is cortisol.
I don't process stress well. If I have a very stressful experience, I get symptoms. My face gets really red (not rosacea, I realize now--that would be why the rosacea meds don't work for me), I shiver, and/or sweat, and afterwards I feel completely exhausted. This is not normal! That, as I've researched, is an overdose of cortisol, the stress hormone. It also causes fat.
But what to do about over production of it? I don't know for sure. I'm looking into supplements. I figure it won't hurt. I've got to try something after I finish this diet cycle, or else the weight will certainly zoom back whenever my body decides to freak out.
I think my last cycle either triggered, or was coincidentally abutted to, one of my rapid weight gain cycles. I think losing 100# plus having back surgery was too much to ask of my body for a year's time.
I look back now, and wish I had of foregone that last cycle. I wish the doctors have of given me better advice. I was just so excited--I thought I had SOLVED IT. I thought I could power through and reach my weight loss goal and then at least that health problem could be sorted. I see now the error of my ways!
So, that is why I'm attempting a short cycle this time. Yeah, I want to be back to where I was weight wise, but I'll have to wait. In all likelihood I'll be doing more back surgery this summer (my last, I believe), and it'll be good to try and get strong for it. Let my body heal from this (I still don't feel myself after my last back surgery six months ago), and build up. And, let's hope, not gain any weight back. :)
I don't process stress well. If I have a very stressful experience, I get symptoms. My face gets really red (not rosacea, I realize now--that would be why the rosacea meds don't work for me), I shiver, and/or sweat, and afterwards I feel completely exhausted. This is not normal! That, as I've researched, is an overdose of cortisol, the stress hormone. It also causes fat.
But what to do about over production of it? I don't know for sure. I'm looking into supplements. I figure it won't hurt. I've got to try something after I finish this diet cycle, or else the weight will certainly zoom back whenever my body decides to freak out.
I think my last cycle either triggered, or was coincidentally abutted to, one of my rapid weight gain cycles. I think losing 100# plus having back surgery was too much to ask of my body for a year's time.
I look back now, and wish I had of foregone that last cycle. I wish the doctors have of given me better advice. I was just so excited--I thought I had SOLVED IT. I thought I could power through and reach my weight loss goal and then at least that health problem could be sorted. I see now the error of my ways!
So, that is why I'm attempting a short cycle this time. Yeah, I want to be back to where I was weight wise, but I'll have to wait. In all likelihood I'll be doing more back surgery this summer (my last, I believe), and it'll be good to try and get strong for it. Let my body heal from this (I still don't feel myself after my last back surgery six months ago), and build up. And, let's hope, not gain any weight back. :)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Halfway done!
I realized halfway through today I hit the halfway mark (today's day 11 of 23). Woot! That's a good feeling. Sure, if I get to the end of the bottle, and there's a day or three left, I'll probably push on (it's expensive, after all), but I'll worry about that then.
Did I say woot?
Did I say woot?
Day 11: Oy
I have a hangover without having had the fun night first. Oh, .8, btw. But I'm not awed as there was no loss the day before. So it averages .4 (instead of the always promised, seldom delivered .7 daily average). Even so, it's fat now, so almost another pound of fat (I picture a box of butter) gone. I'll take it!
Anna's birthday was a success, but I'm exhausted and sore (not just my back). We cleaned like mad for two days. Our house needed it, and it looks good, but it was physically hard for me. Then the party was fun but draining--that happens for me even when I'm not uber low energy with the hcg (chronic pain does that to you!). And the food prep (with not being able to as much as taste) was hard.
But that being said, totally worth it! The party went really well and Anna was delighted. Then we had another family party in the evening with my dad, and that was great, too! Our lovely neighbors had a gift for Anna, so we traipsed over and got it, then went home and watched a movie (or part of one--the rest will follow today). So, a good day was had by all.
But, I'm just a quivering, hungry mass of fatigue and pain. I'll rally, though. They went to church and I have a couple of hours to try and pull myself together. I'm starting with a baked apple for breakfast and a hot bath. Then we go from there. :)
Two weeks 'til food. Not that I'm counting.
Anna's birthday was a success, but I'm exhausted and sore (not just my back). We cleaned like mad for two days. Our house needed it, and it looks good, but it was physically hard for me. Then the party was fun but draining--that happens for me even when I'm not uber low energy with the hcg (chronic pain does that to you!). And the food prep (with not being able to as much as taste) was hard.
But that being said, totally worth it! The party went really well and Anna was delighted. Then we had another family party in the evening with my dad, and that was great, too! Our lovely neighbors had a gift for Anna, so we traipsed over and got it, then went home and watched a movie (or part of one--the rest will follow today). So, a good day was had by all.
But, I'm just a quivering, hungry mass of fatigue and pain. I'll rally, though. They went to church and I have a couple of hours to try and pull myself together. I'm starting with a baked apple for breakfast and a hot bath. Then we go from there. :)
Two weeks 'til food. Not that I'm counting.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Ouch
The smell of cooking bacon is causing physical pain. Mark said, 'You love our daughter," in admiration for my allowing bacon to be cooked in my presence!
What smells better on this planet?
What smells better on this planet?
Day 10: grrr
No weight loss again today. I know, TPTB say to look at the week, not the day. But still, it stinks. But, too busy to fret today--it's Anna's birthday!
It was not easy making lemon cupcakes this morning (and not being able to sample). I LOVE lemon cake! Sigh. The worst is yet to come, making mini pizzas for the party.
Remember kids, what doesn't kill you only makes you bitter. Better? Naw. Bitter.
It was not easy making lemon cupcakes this morning (and not being able to sample). I LOVE lemon cake! Sigh. The worst is yet to come, making mini pizzas for the party.
Remember kids, what doesn't kill you only makes you bitter. Better? Naw. Bitter.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Day 9: woot!
1 full pound today. Neat! Love it! I was pleasantly surprised as my face was particularly puffy today and I got bad sleep last night. So, there you go, seeing isn't necessarily believing.
I'm 1/3 of the way done with this cycle now. The hunger is getting more tolerable; or perhaps I'm getting more used to it. Not all the time.
Tomorrow is Anna's birthday and we're in full prep mode. It's rather hard, because I don't get to eat the food I'm making, both for the kid/parent party and the quiet family dinner after. And, I'm so darned fatigued from lack of food (mostly protein), it's hard to get stuff done. Thankfully, my tendonitis is in full retreat.
I don't like the emotional roller coaster. It feels like my emotions are a shaken up snow globe sometimes. I'm trying not to believe everything I think. Good advice for us all, I'd say.
Yesterday morning, things were not great. School was a challenge, and I felt poorly. Then I made the mistake of getting out the calculator and seeing just how far I am from my goal, versus how close I was last spring. It made me sad, especially since I simply cannot tolerate long cycles, let alone multiple long cycles in a row. I need to accept that this is the best I can do and keep looking for a solution (and hope and pray the doctors can actually earn their money and find out the root cause of my disorder).
It's so darned hard when it looks to the world that I'm just a fat girl with no self control or discipline. And yes, I know in my head that those who REALLY count know the truth. But it's hard being looked down for what's universally perceived as a failure. You know?
I'm 1/3 of the way done with this cycle now. The hunger is getting more tolerable; or perhaps I'm getting more used to it. Not all the time.
Tomorrow is Anna's birthday and we're in full prep mode. It's rather hard, because I don't get to eat the food I'm making, both for the kid/parent party and the quiet family dinner after. And, I'm so darned fatigued from lack of food (mostly protein), it's hard to get stuff done. Thankfully, my tendonitis is in full retreat.
I don't like the emotional roller coaster. It feels like my emotions are a shaken up snow globe sometimes. I'm trying not to believe everything I think. Good advice for us all, I'd say.
Yesterday morning, things were not great. School was a challenge, and I felt poorly. Then I made the mistake of getting out the calculator and seeing just how far I am from my goal, versus how close I was last spring. It made me sad, especially since I simply cannot tolerate long cycles, let alone multiple long cycles in a row. I need to accept that this is the best I can do and keep looking for a solution (and hope and pray the doctors can actually earn their money and find out the root cause of my disorder).
It's so darned hard when it looks to the world that I'm just a fat girl with no self control or discipline. And yes, I know in my head that those who REALLY count know the truth. But it's hard being looked down for what's universally perceived as a failure. You know?
Thursday, March 8, 2012
One week!
.6 today, 7.8# for the week. Now, don't get too excited; surely 5# of that was water. Even so, at least it's not going up!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another secret they don't tell you about the hcg diet
Your hands crack and bleed.
If there's no fat allowed in food, do the math and you'll see no fat is allowed elsewhere--like lotion for your skin or conditioner for your hair.
Ow.
If there's no fat allowed in food, do the math and you'll see no fat is allowed elsewhere--like lotion for your skin or conditioner for your hair.
Ow.
Kinda fun
Today Mark's subbing (for a music class-woot!) and tonight he doesn't start at the store until 6. That means we get to have an uncustomary dinner together before he goes. As much as I am hungry and food deprived, I do enjoy it when I can modify what they're eating so we have sort of the same thing!
The other day, they had salmon as asparagus; I had cod and asparagus. Tonight they're having burgers and handcut fries. I am having 3 ounces of lean beef--in a hamburger pattie shape! Fun is where you make it.
The other day, they had salmon as asparagus; I had cod and asparagus. Tonight they're having burgers and handcut fries. I am having 3 ounces of lean beef--in a hamburger pattie shape! Fun is where you make it.
Day 7: back on track
1.2 today! I thought the diet owned me 2, but it can pay me later. I'll consider this a good faith downpayment.
I premptively dealt with the freezing glacier issue last night. I dressed like a burrito, put a hot water bottle in my bed, and stacked the top with additional blankets. Worked alright. I was still colder than usual (typically, I am a human heat pump), but I was able to sleep comfortably.
Total is 7.2 thus far.
I premptively dealt with the freezing glacier issue last night. I dressed like a burrito, put a hot water bottle in my bed, and stacked the top with additional blankets. Worked alright. I was still colder than usual (typically, I am a human heat pump), but I was able to sleep comfortably.
Total is 7.2 thus far.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Day 6: Snafu
Well, I jinxed it! Yesterday, I was telling my friend Jack about a few more various discomforts this diet can bring, but I hadn't had them yet (too soon). One of them is this bizarre freezing thing at night, where you shake and shiver and can't get warm and wish for death.
It took me half an hour last night to figure out I was having that again. It's so weird as the other times, it was way into it. The doctor said it's caused by reaching a certain amount of weight loss fast. But, I've only lost 6# So go figure.
This made for a horrible night's sleep. It took me until 1:00ish to stop shaking and start sleeping. Then I woke at 5. So the day didn't start that well. Then it got worse.
The only good part of the shivers in the past was it usually showed a big weight loss in the morning. Today? Nada. Not an ounce. Big bummer. I'm calling upon all of my powers to not freak out. Tomorrow could be a very good day on the scale. And it doesn't mean this will go like the last cycle (a complete disaster). Breathe and hope.
Last night's crappiness was a continuation from the late afternoon's crapiness. Those of you who know me know I've suffered with weird and awful health issues for over 20 years. The back stuff alone, I mean dude-have mercy! But there's been tons of other stuff, including metabolic/hormonal which the doctors are trying to pursue and restrain, with limited success (e.g. the cortisol disorder that could explain the huge weight gains in record setting time). But, in short, it's been hard. And long. And did I say hard?
So, anyway, this woman walks up to me at dance. Our daughters are both in the class. And she asks me for a phone number of somebody who took a job over for me a few months ago. Apparently, she'd left a message and Dance Mom's machine chopped the number off.
I said I thought I had it, but would look at home. And Dance Mom said she wanted to call back the person ASAP as she didn't want to cause her stress as she has health issues. I snorted and said (laughingly) nobody was concerned about causing me stress when I did that job. And Dance Mom's reply? She said that this other person has health problems and she (DM) doesn't want to cause her stress as it's not good for her.
Really, what can one think but WTF? Part of me wanted to rip her a new one, lecture her 'til her ears bled and defend the honor of my busted body. But to what end? The fact is, most people don't get it. It's not called "invisible illness" for nothing. And damn, just because I don't have a label (besides Freak) doesn't mean I don't have a health problem. But even so, the back pain alone....
Suffice to say it was hurtful and disappointing. I didn't say anything. What was there to say? It just illustrates vividly and painfully why I don't choose to have many friends (lots of friendly acquaintances, sure). Most don't understand, and don't try to. Just because I show up and work myself hard (every single day is a pain sucking marathon) doesn't mean it's not excruciatingly hard and it sure as heck doesn't mean I couldn't use a little tlc and consideration myself.
It took me half an hour last night to figure out I was having that again. It's so weird as the other times, it was way into it. The doctor said it's caused by reaching a certain amount of weight loss fast. But, I've only lost 6# So go figure.
This made for a horrible night's sleep. It took me until 1:00ish to stop shaking and start sleeping. Then I woke at 5. So the day didn't start that well. Then it got worse.
The only good part of the shivers in the past was it usually showed a big weight loss in the morning. Today? Nada. Not an ounce. Big bummer. I'm calling upon all of my powers to not freak out. Tomorrow could be a very good day on the scale. And it doesn't mean this will go like the last cycle (a complete disaster). Breathe and hope.
Last night's crappiness was a continuation from the late afternoon's crapiness. Those of you who know me know I've suffered with weird and awful health issues for over 20 years. The back stuff alone, I mean dude-have mercy! But there's been tons of other stuff, including metabolic/hormonal which the doctors are trying to pursue and restrain, with limited success (e.g. the cortisol disorder that could explain the huge weight gains in record setting time). But, in short, it's been hard. And long. And did I say hard?
So, anyway, this woman walks up to me at dance. Our daughters are both in the class. And she asks me for a phone number of somebody who took a job over for me a few months ago. Apparently, she'd left a message and Dance Mom's machine chopped the number off.
I said I thought I had it, but would look at home. And Dance Mom said she wanted to call back the person ASAP as she didn't want to cause her stress as she has health issues. I snorted and said (laughingly) nobody was concerned about causing me stress when I did that job. And Dance Mom's reply? She said that this other person has health problems and she (DM) doesn't want to cause her stress as it's not good for her.
Really, what can one think but WTF? Part of me wanted to rip her a new one, lecture her 'til her ears bled and defend the honor of my busted body. But to what end? The fact is, most people don't get it. It's not called "invisible illness" for nothing. And damn, just because I don't have a label (besides Freak) doesn't mean I don't have a health problem. But even so, the back pain alone....
Suffice to say it was hurtful and disappointing. I didn't say anything. What was there to say? It just illustrates vividly and painfully why I don't choose to have many friends (lots of friendly acquaintances, sure). Most don't understand, and don't try to. Just because I show up and work myself hard (every single day is a pain sucking marathon) doesn't mean it's not excruciatingly hard and it sure as heck doesn't mean I couldn't use a little tlc and consideration myself.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Day 5: is it still day 5?
I loathe being hungry and exhausted all the time. But last cycle, I spent a lot of time and money trying so many different things to make this diet more tolerable--none of them worked. So this time I'm just trying to suck it up and deal with it.
It sucks, though!
It sucks, though!
Day 5: so far, so good
A pound today! I *think* the water weight is gone. I know planning, for me, is counterproductive because I can't control what my body does, only what I put into it.
But, I'm just saying, if it wants to lose a pound a day for this program, I'm with that.
:)
But, I'm just saying, if it wants to lose a pound a day for this program, I'm with that.
:)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
What many people don't know
Losing weight quickly is not comfortable. It's just not. It's very hard on the body, especially my body, which has taken a wild ride this last year. Down a lot, up a lot. Ugh. This week alone I went up 3# (loading), then down those 3 plus an additional 5. And this is day 6 from starting the loading.
Fast weight loss is rather painful and exhausting, in fact. I do not recommend this for you at home. The hcg diet is only for extreme cases. If you have an eating issue, work it out first. This diet is not easy, despite the happy horse---t press that says it is. Most people who stick to the program as I did keep it off. I did not. But I've been pursuing medical help to find out what the deal is with me. No luck yet. I have been quite successful in keeping a number of doctors in the style to which they're accustomed. Good for them, not so much for me.
Hormone shots and extreme diets are not made to facilitate warm feelings, I guess. Having tendonitis at this time is not an added bonus. I think it's a little better today, but it still hurts a lot. I keep asking myself why am I tormenting myself again when I gained it back? Desperation and hope I guess. Time will tell if it pays off.
Fast weight loss is rather painful and exhausting, in fact. I do not recommend this for you at home. The hcg diet is only for extreme cases. If you have an eating issue, work it out first. This diet is not easy, despite the happy horse---t press that says it is. Most people who stick to the program as I did keep it off. I did not. But I've been pursuing medical help to find out what the deal is with me. No luck yet. I have been quite successful in keeping a number of doctors in the style to which they're accustomed. Good for them, not so much for me.
Hormone shots and extreme diets are not made to facilitate warm feelings, I guess. Having tendonitis at this time is not an added bonus. I think it's a little better today, but it still hurts a lot. I keep asking myself why am I tormenting myself again when I gained it back? Desperation and hope I guess. Time will tell if it pays off.
Day 4: Only day 4?
Feels like longer! Yesterday I had a little more energy, but today...not. Feeling pretty lethargic, actually (and hungry). I've talked to a few people who have done the hcg diet and they all agree with me, that the press saying you won't feel hungry and will feel great is crap.
But, I have lost 5#. Sure, most of it has to be water, but even so--5#! It shows in my face. One thing all the doctors agree upon, I do retain a lot of water. I agree, and most of it is in my face (and hands). Not pretty.
Ok, I promised I'd mention the baked apple thing. This has been a breakthrough this cycle, and I intend to eat them when I'm not on the hcg cycle. You take an apple, chop it up, add a little water, few drops of stevia, cinnamon, lemon juice, and nutmeg. Bake it for about half an hour. It smells great, and is sort of like an applesauce/apple pie hybrid (without the crust). It makes me feel like I ate something, which is nice when I'm constantly hungry. So far, when I'm home, I have them for breakfast and my afternoon snack. I'm sure the newness will wear off, but for now....yum.
Still suffering with the tendonitis. Ironic, ME getting tennis elbow. I haven't played tennis since the 80s. It does irk me because Anna's birthday is coming up and I have STUFF to do. Not to mention the regular stuff. I had planned to do lots of house stuff this weekend, but now most of it can't happen. Lame. Well, I'd better go. Typing is one of those things that makes it hurt more.
I'm so glad this cycle is short. Right now, I'm so ready to be done! Hungry, fatigued, hurty (my favorite Po the panda word). But it seems necessary. I may never be thin, but I'm gonna leave it all on the field.
But, I have lost 5#. Sure, most of it has to be water, but even so--5#! It shows in my face. One thing all the doctors agree upon, I do retain a lot of water. I agree, and most of it is in my face (and hands). Not pretty.
Ok, I promised I'd mention the baked apple thing. This has been a breakthrough this cycle, and I intend to eat them when I'm not on the hcg cycle. You take an apple, chop it up, add a little water, few drops of stevia, cinnamon, lemon juice, and nutmeg. Bake it for about half an hour. It smells great, and is sort of like an applesauce/apple pie hybrid (without the crust). It makes me feel like I ate something, which is nice when I'm constantly hungry. So far, when I'm home, I have them for breakfast and my afternoon snack. I'm sure the newness will wear off, but for now....yum.
Still suffering with the tendonitis. Ironic, ME getting tennis elbow. I haven't played tennis since the 80s. It does irk me because Anna's birthday is coming up and I have STUFF to do. Not to mention the regular stuff. I had planned to do lots of house stuff this weekend, but now most of it can't happen. Lame. Well, I'd better go. Typing is one of those things that makes it hurt more.
I'm so glad this cycle is short. Right now, I'm so ready to be done! Hungry, fatigued, hurty (my favorite Po the panda word). But it seems necessary. I may never be thin, but I'm gonna leave it all on the field.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Convenience
I've got to say, this cycle is more convenient--always a plus. My dad took me to Costco for bags of frozen fish and chicken--all the the exact sizes I need. So handy. And this time, I'm going to the outer end of the diet, not risking "mixing" my vegetables (just in case it actually makes a difference), or having oranges, strawberries, or tomatoes (just in case).
So what it gets down to is this:
Apple (I'll tell you about my new and exciting baked apple recipe later).
Piece of meat (3 oz plain white fish or plain chicken breast) and one vegetable (either cucumber, lettuce, or asparagus for now).
Apple
Piece of meat and one vegetable (as above).
Yep, that's it. And lots of tea. Lots and lots of tea. The shots are going much better this time. Really, it's going well. It's hard as all get out, but so far, so good. I can do this (again).
So what it gets down to is this:
Apple (I'll tell you about my new and exciting baked apple recipe later).
Piece of meat (3 oz plain white fish or plain chicken breast) and one vegetable (either cucumber, lettuce, or asparagus for now).
Apple
Piece of meat and one vegetable (as above).
Yep, that's it. And lots of tea. Lots and lots of tea. The shots are going much better this time. Really, it's going well. It's hard as all get out, but so far, so good. I can do this (again).
Day 3: Rolling
Well, a little weight has come off. I know it's mostly (if not all) water, but heck, I'll take it! Could be worse--could be flatlining or even worse, going up. This morning I felt slightly less bad when I woke up. This is a good thing.
My tendonitis is still bad, which is not a good thing. I'm trying not to be a baby, but I had plans today that involved cleaning, organizing, and extensive computing--all of which cannot be accomplished with a bad paw. I tried to pick something up earlier and yelped. It hurts when I'm not doing anything, and attempting to do much of anything results in more pain. Plus, I don't want it to get worse, so here I am. I'm trying not to stress about it, but come on! Anna's birthday is in a week, plus school prep and school, etc. It's just difficult for my already diminished physical abilities to be yet further diminished.
But enough of that--the diet! I'm hungry. Very hungry. And my husband has had the last two nights off of work, and I don't think he's thrilled when I can't stay awake past 8:30. But the fatigue is out of my control.
I know it will improve. And I also know it's just for this month (thank goodness!). I just hope more than anything it will hold. Losing 15# (or so??) won't get me back to my lowest, but at least it's in the right direction. But I'll do us all a favor and stop my planning before it starts. I can only do what I can do. (Sigh....)
I'm trying to focus on the positive. It's kind of hard to fully enjoy family time when it always involves food! Last night we watched a movie. I had my cucumber slices and plain white fish. They had spaghetti and ice cream (not concurrently). The smell made me want to howl like a wolf (I refrained).
It's hard and there's no help for it. But, like I said, trying to focus on the positive. Those poor people in the US Midwest who had their lives destroyed by a tornado would change places with me, hunger and bad paw (etc.) aside, in a heartbeat. I've got to continue to focus on what I do have, not what I don't have.
My tendonitis is still bad, which is not a good thing. I'm trying not to be a baby, but I had plans today that involved cleaning, organizing, and extensive computing--all of which cannot be accomplished with a bad paw. I tried to pick something up earlier and yelped. It hurts when I'm not doing anything, and attempting to do much of anything results in more pain. Plus, I don't want it to get worse, so here I am. I'm trying not to stress about it, but come on! Anna's birthday is in a week, plus school prep and school, etc. It's just difficult for my already diminished physical abilities to be yet further diminished.
But enough of that--the diet! I'm hungry. Very hungry. And my husband has had the last two nights off of work, and I don't think he's thrilled when I can't stay awake past 8:30. But the fatigue is out of my control.
I know it will improve. And I also know it's just for this month (thank goodness!). I just hope more than anything it will hold. Losing 15# (or so??) won't get me back to my lowest, but at least it's in the right direction. But I'll do us all a favor and stop my planning before it starts. I can only do what I can do. (Sigh....)
I'm trying to focus on the positive. It's kind of hard to fully enjoy family time when it always involves food! Last night we watched a movie. I had my cucumber slices and plain white fish. They had spaghetti and ice cream (not concurrently). The smell made me want to howl like a wolf (I refrained).
It's hard and there's no help for it. But, like I said, trying to focus on the positive. Those poor people in the US Midwest who had their lives destroyed by a tornado would change places with me, hunger and bad paw (etc.) aside, in a heartbeat. I've got to continue to focus on what I do have, not what I don't have.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Day 2: This could be a very long month
Yesterday I decided to go with my family to run errands in the afternoon. Originally, I planned to bow out, figuring I'd be starving and in pain. But, I decided to go for it. It went fine for awhile, but I was, indeed, starving and in pain. The longer the trip went, the worse I felt. By the time we were home and on the couch, I felt like I'd fallen down the stairs (And I do have first hand knowledge of how that feels, by the way.). I couldn't stay awake, and I felt so hungry, I was sure my stomach was trying to eat itself.
Today, very hungry, and the tendinitis I have in my elbow hurts; it hurts a lot. How long does this last? I've never had it in my elbow before. In the words of 20th century prophet Tommy Boy, "Could have done without that."
Due to my hand hurting, this will be brief. I do take comfort in it being a short cycle. Today I caught myself planning again. I was thinking, if the short sessions are more compatible with my body, I could do them twice a year, and so forth. Then I remembered, I did this already. I did my best, and I still gained a lot back. When will I learn I can't control the outcome, only my actions? Makes me mad, though.
And I've decided, even if they never find out what's wrong with me, and I end up permanently fat, I still need to do the very best I can. I need to know I went down fighting (how terribly noble of me!). But, I still haven't given up hope yet. I'll keep trying. I'll keep looking. But for now, I just wish I could keep eating.
Today, very hungry, and the tendinitis I have in my elbow hurts; it hurts a lot. How long does this last? I've never had it in my elbow before. In the words of 20th century prophet Tommy Boy, "Could have done without that."
Due to my hand hurting, this will be brief. I do take comfort in it being a short cycle. Today I caught myself planning again. I was thinking, if the short sessions are more compatible with my body, I could do them twice a year, and so forth. Then I remembered, I did this already. I did my best, and I still gained a lot back. When will I learn I can't control the outcome, only my actions? Makes me mad, though.
And I've decided, even if they never find out what's wrong with me, and I end up permanently fat, I still need to do the very best I can. I need to know I went down fighting (how terribly noble of me!). But, I still haven't given up hope yet. I'll keep trying. I'll keep looking. But for now, I just wish I could keep eating.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I forgot how sucky the first few days are
I knew in my head, but I forgot in my body. So hungry, weak, cranky (hormone shots, you know)... And the worst is the first few days: it's all pain and no payoff. In a week, I will have started losing weight quickly and my body will be adjusting (at least somewhat), but right now...it's miserable and no mistake.
Day 1: Are we having fun yet?
Short answer: no. I remembered in my mind how lousy it is at the beginning, but living it again is not fun. This is my fifth cycle. The other times I started, I was optimistic and stoked. This time, I'm so not. I tried to figure out why, and it didn't take long. It's because the other times I was moving forward--losing more weight. This time I'm losing what I already lost. And I'm pretty bummed and bitter about regaining it, especially when I didn't earn it.
It was not very long ago I was in Texas, MUCH thinner than I am now. I followed the program. I did the work. But, as per usual, my body attacked me again. Today I said to Mark, "Don't you think there are only a few causes of rapid, cyclic weight gain? Don't you think they should know what they are, and go from there, instead of doing a few tests, shrugging, and saying, 'Sorry. Can't figure you out. See you in a year'?" It's just wrong.
I hate wrong.
So, today I'm hungry. Very damn hungry. For a fleeting second I wanted to say, "Screw it! I'm starving! I need to eat!" But, I didn't give in to it. I do hate being hungry, though. And the first couple of days are especially bad after the forced feasting.
To top it off, I'm having some weird tendinitis thing in my right arm, that makes doing pretty much anything hurt. Random sharp shooting pains and a continual ache help neither my mood, nor getting anything done. Let's hope it's one of those fluke, short lived things we all get from time to time.
At least the injections themselves are going far better than before. The smaller needles and less injectible fluid are such an improvement. I'm trying to think positively, that it's the sign of a very positive cycle and stabilization. Go, team!
It was not very long ago I was in Texas, MUCH thinner than I am now. I followed the program. I did the work. But, as per usual, my body attacked me again. Today I said to Mark, "Don't you think there are only a few causes of rapid, cyclic weight gain? Don't you think they should know what they are, and go from there, instead of doing a few tests, shrugging, and saying, 'Sorry. Can't figure you out. See you in a year'?" It's just wrong.
I hate wrong.
So, today I'm hungry. Very damn hungry. For a fleeting second I wanted to say, "Screw it! I'm starving! I need to eat!" But, I didn't give in to it. I do hate being hungry, though. And the first couple of days are especially bad after the forced feasting.
To top it off, I'm having some weird tendinitis thing in my right arm, that makes doing pretty much anything hurt. Random sharp shooting pains and a continual ache help neither my mood, nor getting anything done. Let's hope it's one of those fluke, short lived things we all get from time to time.
At least the injections themselves are going far better than before. The smaller needles and less injectible fluid are such an improvement. I'm trying to think positively, that it's the sign of a very positive cycle and stabilization. Go, team!
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