It's a wrap

Not sad to see the year go. It was better than the last, but not spectacularly so. In fact, tonight I'm feeling a bit lonesome and pensive. Mark's at the store, of course... Missing friends and family tonight, knowing nobody will call.

Moodiness aside, I've lost 82# this year. Not too shabby. Let's do it again (OK, maybe not that much, but I'd not refuse it if offered)! Let's hope the doc can figure out my gaining problem and then onward and upward.

Maybe this time next year I'll be closing out the year's blog with great reports of health, health, and more health!

I wish that for you.

Close call

Since my weight was firmly in the NuZone, this morning was a little rough. I really really really wanted a piece of cornbread with breakfast.

Then when we were doing errands, we were finishing at around lunch time, and Mark and Anna wanted to go out. To fast food ("Get behind me, Satan!")

I resisted both, though, and went home and had a salad for lunch, albeit somewhat glumly.

Whee!

Actually down! Maybe that's the secret--buy a steak in preparation for a steak day.

By the way

My face is on fire. I had peanut butter yesterday. I have had rosacea issues for a couple of years now, and I also now have facial breakouts when eating certain foods (berries and nuts). This never happened before hcg.

I'm starting to think this 80 pound weight loss comes at a very high cost.

I'm also thinking all my facial skin troubles are karmic retribution for having perfectly clear skin as a teenager.

Today

Weight unchanged from yesterday. I'm not all that excited, given as I starved myself! But, at least it's something.

Four days 'til I see the doctor. Please, let him find something workable!

Today

A full pound up, Pal.

I have nothing new to say about it.

Again...

Up a half a pound. I figure generally every day I have NO simple carbs, I gain half a pound. Every day I do, I gain way more than that.

This is not a normal situation.

Today I have some abnormal dental work, which will not only hurt, but necessitate the consumption of only soft foods for a few days. This won't be that great for my diet, methinks. Such as it is.

Ok, well I had a small piece of pie

Too bad it will make me gain 196 pounds for tomorrow.

Grrrrrr.

Back in the zone (for the moment)

Lame, lame, lame.

Stabilization, where art thou?

Steak days suck cow hooves

I'm just saying.

I know it sounds great. But it's not that one eats steak all day. One eats nothing all day (which isn't great if the one happens to have hypoglycemic tendencies), until dinner. Then one eats a steak and an apple.

Then nothing 'til the next day. And you'd think you'd not be hungry the rest of the day, but it doesn't work out.

Fuzzy math.

4.2

That is the difference in my weight on Christmas Eve and this morning. Hard to imagine, isn't it? Especially given I didn't eat much.

Yep, this sucks on toast.

So, no toast today--another steak day. I'm starving and weak. Lousy feeling. Exacerbated by the necessity of leaving my couch today. My back isn't happy, either. Ow. But, I'm home now, sacked out on the couch with a cup of tea while Anna paints. :)

When will my weight stabilliizzzzeeee (inject heavy whining)???

A friend posted a current picture

Of course I think I look like a firetruck in the middle left, but...? These images were taken about a year and a half apart. For some reason unknown to me but understood by computer scientists, the "before" pic is the last one. The first one in the "middle" one. The middle placed one is the current. Got it?

I forgot

How good cookies taste. I feel ok about taking tonight and tomorrow off. Yeah, it's a drag my body will likely react in an insane fashion. But it does anyway.

Glad I did the steak day, though. It opened a weight line of credit.

I hope the next cycle is more stable. Might be my last. Having the stabilization be effective would be way better than the alternative.

Merry Christmas, pal. Thanks for reading.

Steak day results

Down 3#. Don't get too excited 'cause that happens every time. Then each time within 3 days all the weight is back (and maybe more).

But maybe, just maybe it will stay down this time. Why not?

In any case, starting tonight I'm giving myself a furlough from dieting through Christmas Day. Then the 26th, back to business.

Merry Christmas!

steak day

Starving.

A little repieve

Down .6. Yay! I'm still way over where I should be, but the fact it went down makes me feel quite elated. So, for a moment I thought, Oh, thank goodness, I can skip the steak day today. But then I thought better of it. It's far better to get some breathing room for the next few days. A pasta Christmas Eve dinner, all day Christmas, and on the 27th, we're going to Seattle. So, starvation and weakness it is.

No way this is happening

Another full pound up. So, it's essentially a pound a day up, every day. Even if I were going wild--which I'm emphatically not--I could not be eating an extra 5,000 calories per day than my body can burn.

I'm doing everything right, so why is it all wrong?

Ok

After feeling really, really badly this morning, and going through the usual range of emotions when I get bad health news (Why doesn't my body work right? Why does this always happen to me? Why does God hate me?), I came to a conclusion.

All I can do is what I've been doing, wait to see the doctor (hope he can come up with something on Jan. 3), and hope my weight stabilizes--soon.

Am I missing anything?

Like...

...it's bound to stop soon. Right?

Gain is loss

Up another full pound. I'm now up 5# above my LIW.

All the people who keep telling me how proud they are of me, won't be anymore. And nobody will believe this really isn't my fault.

I hate this.

Big day tomorrow

Let us see if the weight has stabilized. Fingers crossed! I had no simple carbs today, though it was tough with the remaining party food in the house. I had a bad moment when Mark and Anna were chomping on fudge, but I decided against it. Tomorrow lunch will have carbs, and I can have a piece of fudge or three then.

One would think with such monastic discipline I'd be thin.

Should weigh...

but we had a party yesterday afternoon and some carbs were consumed. I'm going to hope/pray/try to stabilize at the 4# higher level. Sucks, but it is what it is. I need to remind myself that of course my metabolism is doing bad things, that's what got me into this mess to begin with! Sandra Normal is a whole other category. I'm off the map.

And that's just the way it is.

I'll weigh tomorrow.

The suggestion

I heard back again from the hcg consultant. She suggested I either keep going on the bi-weekly steak days to try and force a stabilization (feh), OR make a big move and declare today's weight my LIW, try and stabilize there and see how it works.

She said this situation isn't unheard of, that it does happen sometimes. And in the grand scheme of such a project, it's ok.

I guess (sniff sniff). But the question is, will it stabilize here, or in five minutes will all 85# be back? That's my fear.

A Big, Fat Problem

Again, all the weight I lost on the steak day is back, plus more.

This blows.

Not going to weigh today

I don't have the heart.

I remember now

Popcorn tastes really, really good.

This sucks

A pound back already. So I'm but .02 below the top of the zone. And about half an inch from hysteria.

Today is my first day of maintenance. Sadly, it's not a day of celebration for me.

I don't know what to do or why this is happening.

Inconceivable!

I may have detected a reason for my weight gain. My "allowed" foods list includes spices, specifically vanilla. So lately I've been adding vanilla extract to my yogurt. Tonight, on a whim, I picked up my bottle of "Pure Vanilla Extract."

Vanilla, Alcohol, Sugar.

(&&^&*^&*^))_)))

Back in the zone

Again. Now...STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No weight yet

But no matter what, I'm happy no steak day today! Can't do two in a row. Yesterday was difficult--trying to run a few errands en route to the chiropractor, being hungry and wan.

Tomorrow we're taking Anna to her first "movie theatre movie." She does not know. She's only been to the drive-in. Once a year or so I deign to bring the dreaded beach chair. Thankfully, the huge theatre in my original hometown is set up for such things. I can sit in the back, top row, on the edge, and I'm scarcely noticed. I do feel like I'm eating hot coals until it gets dark though (self conscious).

My dad can even go, so it'll be fun. Tomorrow is my first maintenance day. I'm a little nervous, due to my body's behavior in not settling into the stabilization phase. Regardless, I'm going to try some popcorn tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. But crikey, people...POPCORN! I haven't had anything like that since early October.

Ok, one more thing

Hello Brazil and Malaysia! Thanks for reading. Drop by anytime.

Made it through

...another steak day. Golly, I loathe them. Let's hope this does whatever it's supposed to do, and does it properly this time.

Two different people today described me as heroic and inspirational, respectively, due to my health problems and "what I've accomplished" in spite of it. Wow. If they only knew what I could accomplish were I not hampered by constant, unrelenting pain (with a generous side order of insidious fatigue).

Ok, that, or their standards are really low.

Wish I'd thought of that

I just heard back! The rx: do another steak day (and call me in the morning?).

Steak day revisited

I loathe these. I'm sooooo hungry already. I'm most concerned today about running errands late in the day (culminating in a much needed chiropractor appointment).

I left a message for the office, but I'm not counting on a reply.

:(

Worried and Unhappy

Every ounce I lost on the steak day is back. Heck, it's almost a pound up from yesterday.

I've not eaten a bite out of line. I neither understand why this is happening, nor know what I can do about it.

My doctor's office is closed for the holidays. Oh--the holidays! I've been planning on having a few meals "off" (completely legal, by the way), but now...?!

This sucks.

Again

All the weight I lost on the dreaded steak day is back. So I'm 1.5# above the zone again. Why? I have no idea.

But I'm worried. If I'm gaining weight on stabilization, without any carb whatsoever...?

Oops

I didn't write down my weight yesterday. And now I'm worried it wasn't in the zone! But I can't remember.

Drat this darned Joslyn pre-senility gene!

Why is this so hard?

All XLs are not created equal

I received my super cool, super sale long sleeved t-shirt from Lands' End today. I thought, since I have a couple of items that are standard XL (not Plus 1x), I'd order it, figuring if it's tight, that's ok, as I'll be back in the saddle in seven weeks anyhow.

Hoo boy, it's tight. My top half looks like a cartoon drawing of a woman. I thought it was comical; Mark thought I should wear it all the time.

Letch.

Grrr

Up .6, though still in the zone. It's annoying 'cause yesterday I didn't eat much.

Sigh.

Steak day results

HELLO, ZONE!

And, hello breakfast. :)

steak days suck

I'm hoping to see a zone number tomorrow. Hear me, body? Body, can I have a word in the kitchen?

It's not even noon yet

...and the steak day is not going so well. I'm weak-hungry, feel a little dizzy and headachy. :( The worst of it is, I have to go run around for a long while.

Sigh.

Weight again the same

Urgh. I was hoping for a gallows reprieve from today's steak day. But I'm not in the zone, and the zone beckons me.

Too bad low blood sugar, headaches and fatigue embrace me when I don't eat. Something else to blame my parents for: hypoglycemia. :-}

Whoa!

It's not all that long 'til I'm back in the saddle again. Kinda scary, really. It's mid-December, basically. And, as the calendar flies, I'm back on the misery train first week of February.

I'm of two minds, really. On one hand, I'm not even to maintenance yet (one more week, come on, pizza!), and I still feel painfully fatigued. And yet, one more big push to get me to my tentative goal...seems doable.

Not that I'm convinced ridding myself of the bulk of my bulk is a cure for anything these days. Back pain=unchanged. Fatigue issues=unchanged.

Nevertheless, I feel it's something I am to do. Maybe I could save time and money and just repeatedly staple my eye with a staple gun. It would feel as good.

Steak day tomorrow?!

I forgot! Ack! Must I? Yeah, probably so. :-(

I'm still hoping the scale reads lower tomorrow regardless. That'd be good.

Today somebody asked me how much weight I've lost. "About 85 pounds." (I hate saying this because it's embarrassing to have lost that much and still look like Albert from Hitch but without the dance moves). She said, "WHAT?!" For a moment she looked disoriented as her eyes cast wildly about my person. Embarrassed, I muttered, "I know...it's embarrassing...still fat..." She said, "No, you're not" in a matter-of-fact way. She said she didn't think I had that much to lose to begin with and that she's always so wrapped up with herself she hadn't really noticed. Lol!

Interesting.

Yay!

.8 down. Good deal. Still hovering above the zone, but the dreaded Steak Day should repair it.

Too tired to be coherent (but when has that stopped me?)

I'm not giving up on my weight.

If my weight isn't down tomorrow

I'm going to add the cream back in my tea. I'm just saying.

So I'm thinking about branching out and doing another blog, one on chronic pain/illness.

Thoughts?

Today's weight

Same as yesterday.

Bollucks!

The weight was not good. I suppose I'll just skip my ranting and raving about how unfair it is. Just assume it's here: ()*^^^%&^$%*^%_(*)(*()_))_(

Ok, that's done. So I'm 2# over the top of the zone. Wait....(&^&*%&^&^^&^. Ok, I'm back.

So, Thursday will be a steak day. I cannot manage it today or tomorrow. I'm having enough fatigue and pain issues without that. Thursday is the best day to suffer extra.

In the meantime, I'm cutting back calories and increasing water and hoping it takes care of itself. Still planning on a steak day, though. For once, can't I be at the low end of the zone?

Nearly half way...

...through stabilization. Whee! I'm going to weigh Monday. First time since going on stabilization. Please say a prayer for me! I'm hoping all's well, but being a realist, and having my complete library as reference....

We shall see!

I'm getting slightly bored with the limited variety, but it's still better than before! :)

Kinda cool to think about the results of going on the program again this winter. Hate the program and no mistake, Mr. Frodo, but the results cannot be mocked.

To think...in all likelihood, in a few more months I'll be back to my "wedding weight." What a trip.

It's easier, but I wish it were different

Went to my friends' house last night for a dinner meeting. My friend is an AWESOME cook, but as usual, I didn't get to eat any of it. It sincerely bothers me *less* than it used to (probably being on stabilization and not being ravenously hungry right now helps). And I can joke about it and mean it, but still, it's tiresome.

What's also tiresome is the reality that I'll have to monitor what I eat very carefully the rest of my life. While most can have carb with every meal (even a modest amount), I can't. Even under the best circumstances, I can only have a little, a time or two a week. It takes a lot of planning, which is fine, I guess (that's how I roll), but still....

I guess I've never grown out of the thinking life ought to be fair and easy and good for everybody all the time.

Two weeks 'til pizza!

Soon we shall see

My happy fun time has arrived. So, in a few days, I'll have to face the music and see if the stabilization program has been doing as it ought. I sure hope so!

Yesterday in Sequim was tough. Muchus nummus was on hand at Costco. They pulled out the big guns for the samples. And I was in pain, hungry, thirsty and very tired. But I held the line.

A fun bit

Today I went with Mark and Anna to Sequim (they had doc appts.). After, we stopped by Costco. There, we saw an older gentleman we used to go to church with oh, about 12 or 13 years ago. Mark had seen him, and sent me in that direction to say hello.

At first he didn't recognize me; I figured it'd been awhile. Then the light clicked on and he asked, "Did you lose a BUNCH of weight?" I said I did. He couldn't get over himself! Which is kind of funny 'cause when I look in the mirror, I still see FAT. Maybe I look better than I think.

Looking forward to maintenance

...too bad it's in over two weeks! Oh well. I am happy to be able to eat more. There's still the inconvenience, though, of eating not-at-home. I'll live.

I'm thinking I'm glad Mark and I look less like Miss Piggy and Kermit now.

Have you seen Normal?

I can't find it. I'm tired of food being a constant source of topic! It's so inconvenient to be constantly managing it. What do I have to pack with me? What can I have instead of what they're having? Do I have to take anything out of the freezer tonight?

And I'm also tired of the adjustment period. I'm kind of sick from it. My body is constantly being smacked down on one phase of the diet to the next.

Just want to be a normal person. I think that boat sailed 41 years ago...

For the good of all

I have decided not to weigh. The last two times I did the diet, my weight shot up 4# in 4 days on stabilization. This is extremely stressful! And we're coming up on my special happy time, where I retain enough water to flood Death Valley.

So, for my sanity and my family's happiness, I'm just going to wait 'til after that time is over. Let's hope it pays off and doesn't cause a big hassle! But I figure, I'm following the protocol to the letter, so why torture myself?

The novelty of eating is wearing off quicker this time. Let's hope this means something good in my overall relationship to food.

Lotion on my hands, conditioner in my hair

Life is good.

Happy Thanksgiving (Stabilization Day!)!

Well, there's always good with the bad, yes? Just when I figure out I know this diet inside and out, I get a surprise. Today, I was up .4, even before starting stabilizing. Feh. I think it was the tons of shortening I had to touch making pie crust yesterday. Oh well (grump grump). I'm not over the LIW, so that's what counts, really.

So...breakfast was AWESOME! Pork Egg Hat, tea with cream, a few slices of cheese. Heaven!

Have a great Thanksgiving!

anticipation

My special cheesecake is baking. It smells like heaven in an oven! Tomorrow, pork egg hat, Tillamook cheese, apples with CREAM CHEESE (that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, baby!), cream in my tea, turkey, yogurt, broccoli...

Found the cloud in the silver lining

Making these holiday foods that I can't eat.

Store

We went to the store today to pick up things for both TG and stabilization. I almost did a jig when I put cream in the cart. Cream in my tea is one of life's niceties. Buying cheese sticks and oranges and stuff like that really made me feel happy. Such a relief to be almost there! Oooh, I also picked out cream cheese to make my special cheesecake my friend found a recipe for (cream cheese, stevia, eggs--sign me up!!).

It's all good.

I am working on getting a current picture for the blog, but I'm about as photogenic as a mud fence, so be patient. I'll also do an update of final stats. But things have been a little crazy (you know...life). We'll get there.

Time to haul myself off the couch (back really hurts from the trip and sadly, I have to bake a pie, a cheesecake, and make a cranberry relish today). Ugh.

One more day!

I'm soooooo excited to be able to eat tomorrow! I realized I've spent 17 weeks out of the last eight months being hungry. I mean, not peckish, but painfully so. It makes me feel more grateful for the food we have and take for granted.

Like the other day with my cold issue. It makes me appreciate what we have. My condition, though uncomfortable, is fixable, and there's a good reason. And I do have a choice. I could be warm with a full tummy, but then I wouldn't be getting thinner. It's my choice. Which is different than most who are hungry or cold.

Sorry, this is supposed to be articulate, but it's not!

More later. :)

Yay!

I have made my condiments for stabilization! Everything has sugar, so I have to make my own mayo and salad dressing. Yippee!

So exciting--almost there!

Too bad it doesn't "count"

.8. I'll take it, though.

Brrrr!

Two days 'til food. I have not weighed as yet (bonus loss as it doesn't "count" now, but goes into the four-pound radius of the new "zone" I'll live in 'til February); I'd have to remove my clothes! All two sets of them.

So I had to endure my dad's lecture on us not having tire chains or a canopy. Had to endure it 'cause he's correct. They're "on the list" of course, right under the $2,000 replacement chimney we need.

Sigh. Yesterday I had a baking jones, so I made Anna and Mark gingerbread scones. I wanted cocoa really badly! And the scones, of course.

Hot comfort food would be really nice...but not for two more days!

The LIW: HAPPY DANCE!

Ta-da! The last weight. Last night was very unpleasant. I shivered all night. I got up six times to go potty. Usually, this means a spectacular weight loss the next day. Today...not. A measly .2. Oh well, what's done is done. (Massage oil--d'oh!)

The final weight loss tally this cycle: #26.6. Let's call it #27, ok? Were I not sleep deprived, I'd dig up the other stats right now, but I will later. Got to leave you coming back for more (heh). If you count in the pounds I had to RE-LOSE (I know...call Oprah, I have issues), it's #18 new ones.

I missed my goal by 3#. But even so, it's good, right? I consider myself (and if I'm lying to myself, be kind and keep it to yourself) no longer obese. I believe I've graduated to chubby. Pleasingly plump? I like that one. Or as a rakish friend once said, "Chubby in all the right places." Hah. Maybe not there yet.

Ok, my new plan for the down time (Cripes, wish it was today; I'm hungry pal!): work on my overall health and eating. I have lots to do there. Lots of water, exercise as I can (building up from the dreaded surgery), portion sizes, learning new veggies, etc.

Boy, did I do a happy dance this morning when I was done with my last injection. My legs are so bruised and the skin tough from doing the shots. Felt like I needed a tack hammer the last week. Not pleasant.

I'll leave you with this for now, speaking of unpleasant--and last night. Being cold sucks. Normally, in my life, coldness has not been a problem! I figure it's a combination of my northern European genetic heritage and my ample layer of insulating padding. But the meds make me COLD. Night is the worst.

So, here's the twist. This morning, at oh, about 4:00 as I was so cold I was unable to get back to sleep, I discovered a pocket of gratitude. Yeah, I'm cold. But I know why. And I have the ability to treat the cold. I have more blankets (an unlimited supply, it seems) to pile on (sorry, Mark). I have more clothes to put on. Soft, cozy clothes. I have a husband to snuggle up to. I have a heater to turn on. In my own home.

Am I blessed, or what?

I FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had "an apostrophe" last night. It was alarmingly like a movie moment, where one hears a disparate bit of information and suddenly flashes back, where suddenly all pieces come together. I just wish it was good news, and not bad. And even though I slapped my head and laughed, it still kinda sucks.

So. Are you ready? Last night the mom of a friend of Anna's called me. Then she starts talking about how massage cured her back aches, and maybe I should try that (I know...I know...I won't be mean...but crikey, woman...). Any--wayyyyyy, she was yammering--I mean--talking about scented massage oil.

And it hit me.

Like a large truck.

Massage. Oil. Like the stuff they've been using on my back 2x a week at physical therapy. O-I-L. As in my body's been sucking it up and not using the fat off my tummy to the degree I'd hoped and expected.

Blimey.

Doing better tonight than last

....with the hunger stuff. Phew! Yesterday was brutal. Not that I'm not very hungry, mind you, but I'm not feeling like crying or passing out.

It's so exciting to be so close to stabilization! Thanksgiving feels kind of far away, but it's not, I know. I have much to do between now and then, which is tough on my body, but worth the effort.

I made cranberry pumpkin bread for Mark and Anna tonight. It smells heavenly! But tonight it's more of a comforting smell than a mocking one. :}

I can count down the days 'til food on one hand now. Yee haw!

If it's not one thing, it's another!

I just did measurements to compare with a size chart. I have a size 20 bust and hip, but a size 16 waist. How can I buy clothes? What does this mean?!

.4, I'd hoped for more

But I'll take it. 5 days 'til food.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I'm starting to make my plans for the time between cycles (about two months). Three of those weeks are stabilization weeks (no carbs). Six, actually. They consider the time it takes to effectively stabilize to be six weeks, but the last three you can introduce carbs. The doc doesn't want people to really pursue that much when they're going to do another cycle shortly. Sigh. Forgot about that 'til right now. Even so, I'm having some. End of story. Anyway....

The plan: obviously work on maintaining. But work on the overall things I think are important for me: drinking a lot of water, not eating after dinner, working on smaller portion sizes (I can eat like a longshoreman and no mistake). Also, work on my back strengthening.

Yeah, my surgery failed (words fail!). But I can still get stronger, which can only help. I graduate from physical therapy Dec. 10 (yay!). I mean, I like being there, but it's the getting there that's a pain, plus it disrupts school.

So there you have it. The outline of my plan. I am not excited about doing another long cycle in Feb. I hope more enthusiasm grows between now and then. Not being hungry for the two months in between will probably improve my attitude about it. At least I hope so. I have 40 pounds to go for my goal (then we see, but the magic 8 ball says enough already). Sounds like a lot if you've never been obese. But after losing 85, 40 sounds relatively easy!

Part of me wants to just bag it, but until I have a tummy that doesn't...fold...I'm keeping on!
:-()

Bad day

I've been utterly starving all day. I'm guessing it's because it's the end of the line. People can only do so many shots because the efficacy of them wears off. I want to eat. Even after my little dinner, I felt like I'd eaten nothing.

Not good.

.8, nice to see you again!

Ahhhh. Better. Let's hope the next three weigh-ins before the LIW are good. In any case, I made it to 25# this cycle. Six days 'til food!!!!!!!!!!!

The last bit of any cycle is hard. The meds aren't as effective, the injections are more painful, the stomach feels more empty. And frankly, it's been played.

But, stick with it, I will.

Death by fragrance

Smells of my house right now: sugar cookies, bread machine baking Italian bread (crusty, rustic bread), and homemade spaghetti sauce.

Q: Why did you jump off your roof, Sandra?
A: Come on--did you smell my house?

.6 Meh

I guess I should be happy, but I'm not. It's only been a couple of pounds o'er a couple o'weeks. And it's not FAIR! I'm sure you know that's an issue for me. I hate doing everything right only to fail. It's not *supposed* to go like this. I should have sailed right past my goal by now and be into bonus pounds, not 6.6# above my goal. And my goal wasn't even terribly ambitious or unrealistic.

Life not being fair has always rankled me. In college I decided I wanted to do something about it, so I planned on becoming a lawyer. The good kind. The kind that works tirelessly to help those who are getting knocked around...you guessed it...unfairly. I never even considered that lawyers make a lot of money. In my jaded dotage I kind of chuckle at that now as we've struggled with money our whole married life--because I was unable to become a lawyer (or anything else) because of my health--all of which IS. NOT. FAIR.

So fast forward five years when I met a good doctor and I thought I'd be able to recover my health. She was so different and pulled from both naturopathic and allopathic sources and I thought my time had come. So I decided if/when I got better (still being infertile at that point), I'd go into healthcare and serve those who were getting knocked around and get them the help they needed.

Then I a) didn't get better I b) finally became a mom and my health has been an ever-downward spiral so instead of fighting the good fight for the earth and its downtrodden, on a good day I can hope to do and put away a load of dishes.

Scale, I'm serious now...

I'm going to weigh. Then take a bath. I'm cold! And the rest of the population won't be up for an hour. Except the puppy. She's watching everything I do with great anticipation. It's nice to be appreciated. :)

Aye Aye

I guess I'll just go down with the ship. 5 more shots, 8 days 'til food. Actually, 5 days until the LIW (Last injection weight--the weight that counts). I'll stick with it in the hopes that things will pick up and maybe a couple more will come off in time. I suppose since I've been starving for 5 weeks, what's one more, right? :-(

This is quite a discouragement. I'd have rather had the derailment at the beginning (like my first cycle). If this...whatever...hadn't of happened, I'd have sailed past my goal. Now I'm 7 pounds above it with no hope of reaching it.

One thing, though. If my weight starts to go UP, somebody's going to get an ass kicking. I don't know who, though. Maybe my doctor? :-}

Not good

Still plateaued. Trying to figure out why keep going when the weight's been virtually the same for 10 days despite me doing everything the diet (and doc) says? It's expensive and brutal.

:(

I almost ate a grape

...twice! I was washing fruit for my fam today, and I had to arrest my hand but inches from the offending fruit. Argh, habits suck.

9 days 'til food. That's less than 10, you know.

I have a clothing quandary. Almost everything is just big enough to be uncomfortably so. And I have to wear this weight until February. I guess I'll be renting clothes from Goodwill and Fancy Feathers (giving them back in the spring to send them along the great material continuum). Kind of a pain, but what ya gonna do? It's far too cold to go naked.

Too cowardly to weigh today

After the last week of bizarre scale behavior, I think I'm going to skip it today, give my body an extra day to GET WITH THE PROGRAM! What a weird night. Freak, sudden storm blew our power out (and me--caught unprepared--imagine!). Bad sleep. A certain pixie insisted in sleeping in our bed, which is a mere full size. And it's not big enough for the three of us anymore. It was ok until Mark got home from the store (what a frenzied night he had--when the big store's power went out!).

So very little sleep (which does affect my weight loss). I'm up now, as I have to leave for physical therapy in an hour. I'm really tired and sore, but that's life, yes? At least my life. Then later today we have a house appraisal (another *Y%%%% hoop for our refinance). We're all worried it will appraise for less 'cause our loft attic is full of boxes!

Anyway, I digress. 9 days 'til food! 6 days til final shot. Mini woot!

I guess it was inevitable

Weight UP today. .4. Makes me feel just east of homicidal.

Today was rough. It's one of those painfully hungry days. I was making lunch stuff (and packalong dinner for Mark) for my family. I was slicing sandwich stuff, and the cheddar cheese was so enticing, it was brutal. As was the peanut butter. Ouch.

shapes

100 years ago I was an hourglass. I've spent 20 years being an apple. So I was rather shocked to see that I had a waist. Then I did the measurements, and it's back. Weird.

11 days 'til food.
8 more shots.

Huzzah!

Out in the world

I went to church today, for essentially the first time since my surgery. I went once last month, but that was a very short morning as the majority of the church was at Family Camp. It was difficult physically, but great to be there. My back was not happy, and I was starving and thirsty! Now I'm uber sore and more or less glued to the couch (however, the house chores are calling my name incessantly).

A few mentioned my weight loss. I just feel like...me. Some people lose weight and go all Hollywood or whatnot, but my weight loss hasn't changed me. It's a means to an end--the end being less pain. I'm still the same old Sandra. Just with smaller pants.

Pleateau broken

Yay! 7.4# above my super happy goal. In...eight days. Well, fella, it's not likely. But that won't stop me from trying.

What's it like to not be hungry?!

I'm watching a Food Network show about Thanksgiving. I think the protein deprivation is making me stupid. :} Tomorrow I get to say, "Next week I get to eat!"

This weight loss better speed up. I am not amused.

I'm also slightly put out I won't be having pie, cranberry, mashed potatoes, gravy, or stuffing on Thanksgiving. BUT, I shall have a deep pile of turkey and veggies. I will be thankful for that.

But, that being said, nobody better get between me and my Christmas dinner. It won't be pretty. Think stevedore on parole.

That worked

About five seconds after posting, my friend called. She couldn't have read the post yet, so I guess it was just out in the universe. :}

I heard back from the doctor. He thinks it's just a natural stall as I've lost 23# in a month (again, six of them were "over the zone" pounds and I don't really count them). But, ok 23#. He also thinks my symptoms point to low electrolytes and/or a hypoglycemic reaction. Yippee.

What I know for sure is I feel yucky and the thought of dragging this on another 12 days 'til food if my weight loss and symptoms don't improve sounds about as much fun as running my knuckles over with a cheese grater. Repeatedly.

Concerned, hungry, and discouraged

So, it's not in my head. And it's not water retention from my special happy time. It's been a week, and only one pound total.

A week of starving, hormonal disturbances, weakness and fatigue--for one stinking pound. Not worth it, my friend, not worth it.

I just emailed my doc about it. I hope he has a solution to this quandary.

Still not feeling right after yesterday's freak attack. Again, not good.

If anybody wants to call me today, it would be a nice thing. Mark's gone for the count (not his eternal reward, but in Seattle this morning taking a test, followed by coming home and leaving for an eight-hour Safeway shift). And I'm kinda sick and missing adult friend-type conversation. Not that I don't love Anna, of course! You know what I mean.

Diet or illness?

So today was rough. I can't believe how fast my back started really freaking out, as did being hungry and fatigued. But, that was ok, I kept on.

Then, something weird happened. Our last stop was at a rehab center in Poulsbo (surgery, not drug). A friend (and co-worker of Mark's) had knee surgery. We had planned to go see her, and the other stuff got written in.

Anyway, we're there, I'm tired and my back is barking. So after a bit, I said I was sorry to be a party pooper, but I was feeling really poorly and had better go lie down in the car. We said our goodbyes. Then...it hit me. A weird attack of some sort.

All of a sudden, I got violently dizzy and nauseated. I knew if I didn't lie down immediately, I was going to pass out. Thankfully, the other bed in her room was vacant. So I collapsed. A few minutes later, I felt better. Embarrassed as all get out, but better.

The trip home I didn't feel awesome. Hours later I still feel bad. Kind of dizzy and nauseated still. Mark asked if maybe we'd better pull the plug on the diet? I guess that's something to consider if I don't snap out of this soon.

What a day.

Down a little

So no apple day today. Today, however will be difficult. Riding to the big city of Silverdale with my family. Hard on the back, hard on the diet.

I realized this morning--less than two weeks 'til food! 13 days. Bring it on!

A thought

If this plateau doesn't break soon, I'm considering going into stabilization now. There's a chance I've hit the wall and become immune (again) to the hcg. I'll give it another day, then if necessary try an apple day (feh), then if that doesn't work....?

Frustration, they name is plateau.

Hissy fit

WHAT'S WITH THE D&&&&&NED PLATEAU???

I don't like this math

Two weeks from the finish line, should I be getting more hungry and losing less weight?

Oh, no...I'm fine. This three ounces (prior to cooking) of plain chicken and two ounces of cucumber have filled me totally up! Go ahead, have your pizza...I'm good....

Rats

As excited as I was to get into the Decade of A(wesome), I am not happy to still be in the the middle of the "9" three days later.

:? :(

I loathe plateaus

I'm on the clock here, I can't have a big stall! I have 10 pounds left for my goal (on this cycle)! Any delay could ruin that result. Oh well, it is what it is, and I have a 100% clean conscience. In these three (horrid) cycles of hcg, I have never cheated. Not once. Nor on stabilization.

I do look forward to getting these next 10 off. It's been an interesting process. I feel like an archaeologist, unearthing remnants of a once great civilization....

Oh yeah

As much as I loathe plateaus, I checked my fasting blood sugar again--still under 90! Amazing, for me.

Did I mention I can eat again in two weeks, two days? I'm just saying.

Another plateau!

Feh.

Two weeks, two days 'til food.

One line blog entries

16 days 'til food--but who's counting?

I realized....

It appears I'm 2/3 done with my weight loss goal. Sweet!

.2 (feh)

However, it does put me in the Decade of Awesome!

20#

Reached the 20 pound mark this cycle. Ok, one more time, I wish part of that wasn't re-losing surgery weight (grumble grumble). :) But even so. 20! I'm as low as I've been for many a year.

15 days 'til last injection (the weight that "counts"). 18 days 'til food!

Yes, it's the end of my special water retaining time

But even so, 1.4. Booyah! 19# down. 908 to go.

Sandra, how have you lost so much weight?

(I get asked this.)

Three things: discipline, misery, and hcg.

Stats update

20 days 'til food.
17 days 'til last injection.
18.2 pounds down this cycle.
Hoping for 12 more (but probably won't make it).

.6

Meh.

20 days 'til food!

I can't wait. I'm so fatigued, I should get some sort of citation from the energy police. Only .4 today. But hey, it's better than gaining .4. There you go: something good to say about this cycle. I've not gone up once. Flatlined, yes (along with my energy level). Gone up, no.

Oddly enough, I've been buying stuff for Mark and Anna we almost never have in the house (namely, snack foods). Good sales on stuff like Goldfish crackers (yuck for me, but it's how they roll), Halloween candy, etc. Even buying a little...gasp...processed food (normally verboten in there here parts).

I think the biggest reason is my fatigue. This diet, though so very low in calories it's obscene, takes a lot of prep. And it takes energy, which I may have mentioned a time or two, I have none. I go to sleep at 8, people. Pity me.

So anyway, it's just easier to buy stuff. And partly I'm feeling like I'm falling into my mom's horrid practice of providing food for comfort. I feel guilty my surgery didn't work and I'm still a lump. I feel guilty I can't make all my usual nourishing healthy stuff for them. So I buy them junk food. I'm like some sort of weird food pimp.

Hungry!

The increasing of protein (by an ounce) may be helping a little but, but it's sure not curing the gnawing hunger and insidious fatigue. Today I was so worn out (and my back was screaming) after Anna's dance, I marched into the Pizza Factory with her and got her a small item to go (she felt she'd died and gone to heaven). Then I felt I'd died and gone to hell smelling it all the way home.

Three weeks. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Worth the frostquake

1.2#! Sweet. Just 3andchange pounds above Decade of A (A for Awesome).

It's all coming back to me now

I had my first night of violent shivering. Not fun! Then I woke up later, piled in blankets, soaked in sweat. I guess it's practice for menopause?

I do remember the doc saying the shivering at night thing happens as part of losing a lot of weight fast. And I also remember it goes away immediately at stabilization. Which is three weeks, one day away. Today is the halfway mark. Thank the Lord in Heaven!

3 Weeks Today

And I've lived! 15.8#. Three weeks, two days to go. Tomorrow will be halfway. Huzzah!

Grrrrrr

Plateaus suck.

Annoyed

For four days now I've bounced one pound up, one pound down, one pound back up, one pound back down--to the ounce, mind you. What the heck? Come on body, MOVE ON!

And while I'm here, all size XLs are not created equal. I was so happy about my two new XL pants purchases (thank you Goodwill and Penneys), I got out a pair of yoga pants I bought last summer at Costco, for the then future, size XL. It wasn't pretty. They aren't pants, they're a tourniquet.

Accurate Math (I think)

43 days of hell-er-I mean hcg diet. Today is day 18. Ugh, that's...25 left. Gross! Ok, deep breath. Just a few more days 'til I reach the halfway mark.

Did I say ugh?

Perspective

I just peeked at several blog entries from my last cycle in June/July. Hey, it sucked then, too! I tend to romanticize the past cycles. Apparently, every time I do this diet I feel fatigued, starving, and frustrated, and it never goes quite how I plan.

Wait, that's my life, not just the diet. :-}

Doing this until November 25 seems impossible--or at least highly uncomfortable. At times I entertain aborting the mission at the "short cycle" mark. But then I'd have to do this more times overall. No, thank you.

Eyes on the prize: I'm down over 70 pounds--well over halfway. I can do this. I need to buck up--it's not like I'm not used to suffering, right?! I'll just cry in the corner while my daughter eats her Halloween candy.

Ok, it's not 25 days

It's 18 days. I tried to give myself a promotion, I guess.

And I don't care if I'm retaining water (making the pound happen). Emotionally, it feels like I'm retaining fat!

I Can't Count Well, but Today is Apparently Day 25?

Up a full pound. NOT FAIR! I hate it when that happens.

ugh

Wednesday was a big day and I'm physically feeling it now. My fibromyalgia symptoms are flared up (noticed it last night), as are my TOS (thoracic outlet) hand/arm symptoms. Knee's better, though! So I'm feelin' as low as a snake's belly. I'm also feeling irritation at my precious child. Not her fault, mine. I'm just physically and emotionally drained. Sucks to not have extended family. I tried to make plans for her, but nobody was available.

Glad about the pound, though. I'm so looking forward to the next decade (of weight). It feels like I've been hanging around this general area for months--hey, I have! Since July, in fact.

I know most people have good manners and some feel it's not polite to make comments on one's physical appearance (my mom was like that). But I must say, my favorite moment came when I saw a friend I've not seen in a long while (and I'm not routinely telling people about my diet--due to my long history of failure), When my friend saw me, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Whoooaaa!"

Made my day.

Day 18: 1#!

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Happy day!

I heard back from my doctor about my intense (and unpleasant) hunger issues. He said for me to try an extra ounce of protein with both lunch and dinner.

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 16: .6

I can live with a steady .6. That would get me into my new categorization system. :) My knee hurts like @*&^, pal. I'm just saying. I had to be on my feet a lot yesterday and it's puffed up and sore. Why? Who can tell? Sucks, though. I wish I could treat it with a mimosa IV or something!

If I cruise at .6, that'd be another 15 at the LIW. If it's .7, 17.5. .8, 20 (oh, please!!). Then the stabilizing and maintaining over the holidays--ouch. T'wont be easy. But I have a plan.

My plan is my overall maintance plan for life. A lot of salad entrees, especially when on a day where one meal will be particually rich. Try to drink a big glass of water half an hour before eating. Try to have a salad 15 minutes before dinner (clearly not on the meals I'm having a salad as the meal. Salad with a salad chaser.). Eat slower. I tend to bolt my food like my puppy (Like my puppy does; I do not eat my puppy--too furry).

Are you bored yet? Ok, I'll go.

Pants!

Today I picked up a pair of jammie pants (mine were too big--hee). Penneys had a sale, I had a $10 off certificate (came in the mail). So, a good thing all around. But, the GREAT thing is, I got a standard XL. Not a plus size. Regular rack.

Hmmm, right now I have size flexibility; I can cherry pick from the best of both sides of the rack.

And I lost .06.

Woot

I think I'm going to weigh every other day from now on--it's much more encouraging. Even if the weight loss isn't impressive, it will be more so than if one does it every day.

Today it was 1.6. Cool! I'm one pound above a 70# loss. Still fat (go figure). I must have hidden fat holders. Hey, maybe it's my secret power! Probably all this Nordic blood. Genetically we have to retain fat. :)

So last night Anna and I were watching the Food Network (I know; not the brightest thing to be doing when on a stringent diet). There's this show called The Best Thing I Ever Ate, done by various FN stars. It's very entertaining.

Anyway, Sunny Anderson comes on. She's a bubbly, full figured gal, with no reservations about being so. So she pops and said, "This is the Anderson frame"--proudly indicating her ample backside and hips--"You know what it takes to maintain this? Carbs!"

Anna looked at me askance as I pumped my fist in the air in a show of solidarity, gleefully shouting, "Represent!"

Today is a big day!

"Less than one month 'til cheese!" The hcg diet will go into phase 3 (stabilization) on Nov. 25--Thanksgiving. Today is Oct. 26. Can I make it? Or will I lose my mind, vault over the table, and forcibly remove my husband's peanut butter toast? We'll see.

Yesterday I went along for the ride on a few errands. I made them bagels w/cream cheese with accompanying snacks. I had two ounces of chicken, one apple, and four ounces of cucumber. My stomach was underwhelmed and kept asking me, "When's lunch?"

I need to talk to my doc again (however fruitless). I get *really* annoyed when all the press about the diet says: You won't feel hungry! You'll feel great! You'll lose 1-2# per day! Really, in my experience, which in this day and age is considerable given the newness of the hcg fad--it's a bunch of crap.

I feel starving, almost all the time. If I had any less energy, I'd be in a coma. And generally, if I'm lucky, it's half a pound. And this is with me following the diet with monastic devotion. So, either it's me (entirely possible), or the press is a bunch of hype luring the chronically heavy with its siren song, only to dash us against the rocks of reality.

Ok, more props to the planet

I'm getting better at the stats thing. So, sorry if I left you out. Let me fix that before hobbling into the kitchen to fix their lunch for later:

Hello Canada (I can see you from my porch--really. Across the Strait of Juan de Fuca. :) Hello, China. Love your food and art. Hello, Russia. Great skaters. Hello, Latvia. I am a tiny bit Latvian! Hello, Spain. We've been studying Isabella and Ferdinand. Hello, Chile. My dad saw you when he was in the Navy 100 years ago. Hello, India. I used to dream about you when I was pregnant.

Thanks for reading!

No Weight Today

Scale battery is down.

I was just thinking, I'll sure be glad to be done with these hcg cycles. They're--if nothing else--inconvenient.

I'm riding along today on a few errands (should be a challenge with my dog-injured foot!), and I have to pack my tiny amount of lackluster food while they all chomp down on bagels and cream cheese.

Sigh.

Cool

I realized Mark will finish student teaching the same time I finish my next (last!) hcg cycle--we'll graduate at the same time!

Funny Thing

I just got done taking a bath (that's not the funny thing). After my bath, I put my robe on, and absently thought, What's the matter with my robe? It feels weird.

Do you know what the problem was (however minor)? It's bordering on too big now.

Hello, World!

I've never before dinked around and looked at the "stats."

Hello, Australia, Hello, Holland! My grandmother was from Holland, so I am precisely 1/4 Dutch.

I hope to visit your find countries someday if I can get healthy again. Count on it.

:)

Sunday

1.2! Yay!

No Pie for Me

Mark and Anna are at our church's harvest party. I hate being left behind. But there were two, then three, reasons it was better for me to stay home. One, my back is not up to a couple hour event. Two, my diet sure as heck is not up to a "pie a thon," and three, I tripped over my stupidy puppy and hurt my foot, so walking is extremely painful right now.

So, I'm having a cup of self pity and watching my Harry Dresden dvd.

Update

I counted squares on the calendar today. 32 'til cheese! 30 until last injection/LIW. Woo hoo! To meet my IhopeIhopeIhope goal, I'd need to lose 21 more pounds. Mmmmm. Unlikely.

For those of you keeping score at home, I've lost 66 pounds.

How am I still fat? Where did I PUT all that?

Day 12

Down .6. It's not the glamorous results popularized, but I can live with it, if it keeps up. I'm 1.4 above Decade of Z. Again.

I had a pleasant surprise this morning. I haven't checked my blood sugar in a long while. It's always above 100. Until today. I checked it, and the meter read 86. I asked it, "Are you sure?" (I know, not a good sign to be anthropomorphizing medical equipment...) I then changed the test materials and tested again on my other hand: 84.

Sweet.

I realized why I'm so angry about being hungry all the time. Firstly, because it's "not supposed to be this way." That's a recurring theme for me medically. And in other arenas as well. I can't seem to grow up and accept life is neither equal nor fair.

But the biggest reason (I think) is my chronic pain. There's little I can do to alleviate my chronic pain, despite trying all the time. And being hungry (which is not pleasant) is something I *can* do something about. So when I can't, it just adds another unpleasant layer to my body, and it makes me mad.

There you have it. Dr. Phil has nothing on my brilliant insight.

Grumble

I'm down to my LIW. Time to move on, body!

Day 11: Meh

.6. Whatever. One pound in three days does not make me do this: :) That I could do on my own without the harpoon and misery (and expense).

10 Days of Hunger...

34 to go 'til cheese!

That's It?

.4.

Over two days.

Lame.

This Isn't Specifically About Weight

So, if you don't want to hear me ramble, log off now. :) I've been up for over two hours (yes, that means I woke up @4:15). Nobody else is up and I'm a little bored and lonely! My hand is acting up, so it's cold, but I'll just deal with it.

Ok, a diet related thing. I'm sure hoping my body plays nice in the sandbox and gives up the 2# it owes me. I'd hate to send it to collections.

I loathe not being able to get back to sleep. Part of the problem was pain, being in a lot of it and not being able to get comfy again. But that's hardly new ground and usually I can sleep. Go figure. I'll be sorry later when I'm desperate for a nap!

I think I've come up with a new lettering system for after I max out with the pending Decade of Z.

After that, there's 50 pounds to my Ultimate Goal. I thought perhaps I'd just start at A for each decade leading up to it. Perhaps:
A=Awesome
B=Bodacious
C=Cool
D=Divine
E=Excellent

What do you think? Any better ideas? I'm open to them! Who knows, I might stop with Cool (or ?). Hard to say. I've certainly no conceit I can truly have a major impact on what my body does, despite my hardest efforts.

What I do know is, even if this is as good as it gets, it's 65# lighter than I was before, and that's pretty damn good.

Oh, I Remember This!

Today I took a step, and felt a stabbing pain in my calf. I'd forgotten that little nugget! It's annoying, but not serious. And I like the reason for it. It's caused when a lot of weight is lost quickly. The muscle needs time to shrink. And I did lose 8# of fat the first week.

Ow, but not serious. Certainly it pales in comparison to my "regular" pain. I can live with it.

Then I remembered I likely have the shivering cold freak show to look forward to. Ugh.

Plateaus Suck

OK, body. You owe me TWO pounds tomorrow. No excuses.

Day 8: I Jinxed It

So, no weight loss (at all) today. My fault: God heard me say I was optimistic.

A Splash of Optimism

I realized, there's five more weeks. Yeah, yuck, but beyond yuck, if things go well (not great...well), I could lose 25 big ones. That would be sweet! It would put me at my goal, plus a few for good measure.

The higher dose seems to be doing the job, too. Today I was hungry, but not unbearably so. This level I can live with. Let's hope it keeps up!

If I make this goal, then I have one more round before reaching, what I believe to be, my final weight goal. Sure, it's been since 1990 that I will have weighed that, and I suppose it's within the realm of possibility I might choose to do more...but I doubt it.

I'd sure like the opportunity to decide that when reaching The Big Goal. Right here, right now, it almost seems possible.

Day 7, Part II

7.8 pounds this week! I've earned it. Too bad the rate of loss won't continue (in what other area of life is more loss good?).

I did the math, and to meet my ultimate goal (or, Ultimate Goal) this cycle, I have to lose .7 every day.

MMMmMMMMMMmmmm...unlikely. But not completely impossible (partially impossible, then?).

Anyway, I hope. And I'll let you know in 34 days.

Day 7: A Long Week

I upped my meds to the maximum dose of the first cycle. Yesterday went some better (hunger and weakness) after that. Let's hope it keeps up 'cause my options are limited with how much hcg I can take.

Mark reminded me I don't *have* to do a long cycle. I *can* stop after a short if I want. Somehow that comforts me. I hope I can go the distance because more weight is more weight. But if this keeps up being so awful, a parachute makes me feel better somehow.

Things are very stressful right now with the post-surgery difficulties. It does make things harder with the diet too. I'm hoping and praying the weight loss will be worth it as far as my body's concerned. Hormonally this diet is rough on me, and I certainly don't need any assistance in hormonal difficulties.

Dat 6

.8. Back in the zone.

Hopefully in a week, beyond the old zone.

Day 6: 1.4

I wish this rapid weight loss would continue! I'm .6 above the (top of) the zone now. Still grumpy I'd gained back some. If I hadn't, I've be in a whole new decade. Drat. Oh well, it's in the past so fretting about it helps not. Tomorrow I'll be back in the (old) zone. By the end of next week (I hope), I ought to be lower than I was before my surgery (that halcyon day) and loaded for bear.

Tonight is Anna's first sleep over. We had it planned two weeks ago. We had these awesome plans (Mark and I). Of course they involved a nice dinner, etc. Then she got sick. Now I'm put out that food can play no part in it and we have nowhere fun to go like before (we had an awesome deal at a hotel that due to sickness, didn't work out).

It'll be weird to have her away from home tonight. I hope Mommy does alright!

I Have No Grown Up to Talk To

So I'll repeat myself ('cause I'm thinking of this). I hope my plan works. One long cycle now. One long cycle in Feb. Then, maybe...just maybe I'll be at my goal!

My goal may not be my final goal. It's about 65 more pounds from now. Theoretically, I could decide to do more. But maybe not.

I don't think it's my destiny to be thin. I had large..uhm...assets (?) when I was thin. I'm just curvy. And that's ok.

I sure hope I'm done then. Medical weight loss is HARD. Especially for me and my wonky metabolism.

In theory, the more weight I lose, the better my metabolism will function. Add the lower weight to an allegedly improved metabolism and perhaps some time and attention to my thyroid (unless it fixes itself along with the other business?), and maybe my body will decide it doesn't need to try and pack on fat like a sumo in a famine.

Yum

Last night I made "tacos." The taco shells are lettuce leaves. It actually works! The lettuce is a crunchy vehicle for the ground meat (however scant) and sauteed onion. Made me feel like I actually ate something.

Day 5: Weak and Hungry

Ugh. I'd hoped this wouldn't happen. I've been feeling weak as a dishrag and STARVING. So from my past experience, I gave myself an extra shot yesterday and increased the dose a little bit (what the doctor did in the past). I am losing weight, though.

Sorry my brain is frazzled, so I don't have the exact number, but it's 4.something this week so far. It will slow down, but right now, it sure helps treat the misery. It was 2# today.

I'm hoping the awful symptoms improve soon, though (duh). I'm feeling bad enough with back pain, post-surgical fatigue (add it to my ever-present fibromyalgia symptoms), and hand/arm pain (curse you, failed TOS surgery!)...

Poor Sandra, yes? :)

Day 4: Sausage Smells Too Good

So I'm hiding in the bedroom. Ok, so this cycle, I've lost 2.6. Or shall I say, re-lost 2.6. I'm not counting the loading weight I gained and lost (what a week!). Mark says I need to get over it, but the fact is, I'll be pissy and resentful until I'm down below where I was for the five minutes before my surgery--which is 10# below now. I'm 6# above my LIW (Last Injection Weight). 4# above the LIW zone (the zone is 2# below to 2# above). So at least in a week I'll be back in the zone. But I guess that old math needs to be erased as this is a whole new cycle.

I also need to come up with a new cataloging system. Decade of X, Y, and Z won't work in the weeks to come. Hmmmm. Any ideas? Should have thought this out more.

Anyway, a coworker of Mark's has been on the hcg plan and has felt great--no hunger, headaches, inexplcable gains, or minefields. I'm happy for her, of course, but it makes me feel crabby about me. Again, why does my body have to do everything weird and wrong?

Six weeks minus one day 'til stabilization. No bacon; I've learned that the hard way. Sugar in the curing=no eating on stabilization. Feh. I did come up with something else, though. Safeway has natural pork with no additives at all. So I made my own breakfast meat patties, which are awesome, by the way. I started making little patties for Anna and me, cooking an egg and putting it on the top. Anna said it looked like a hat. So I co-opted the old jazz tune name, "Pork Pie Hat," and renamed my dish,"Pork Egg Hat."

Three Down, 42 to Go

Maybe I shouldn't have looked that up. Feels like for-ev-er!

So Anna goes to have a craft play date with our neighbor (which is a good thing; she's been wanting to go for six months!). They come over with a huge tray of autumny cupcakes.

That's just not fair! The smell is practically making me drool like Bessie.

Day 3: Some Improvement

I feel somewhat better today. The hcg headache is going away, and I'm not quite as ravenlously hungry. And the loading weight is gone (phew!). I'm now five pounds above the top of the zone. In a week, if all goes well, I'll be back in the zone (now the previous zone), and in two weeks I should be below my bottom weight (the day I dipped into decade of z) and hell bent for leather.

I have some small goals I'm working toward. Getting back to, then below where I was right before surgery. Then about 20 pounds below that is my next big goal. That's reasonable (Lord willin' and the scale don't rise)for this cycle.

Then I hope to maintain through Christmas and January. Then attack it again in Feb-April (long cycles take a long time!).

I'm truly hoping the more weight I lose, even though it's too d**ned hard to be fair, the easier it will be to maintain. Fat makes estrogen. Being a PCOS gal, my hormones are a kaleidoscope of horrors. One would think the less fat, the less impact it'd have on the crucial estrogen-progesterone balalance. Or whatever. :}

After I'm done with the hcg horror show, I can put more attention to my thyroid irregularities. If I'm no longer pumping out estrogen like an oil derrek, and my thyroid problem gets resolved, maybe I can maintain my weight like a normal person.

That's a big issue for me: wanting to be a normal person. I want to have a normal weight. I want to be able to eat carbohydrates. I want to be able to choose my family size. I want to be able to sit.

But I can't do any of it. I don't like feeling like a freak.

Day 2, Part 2

I had lunch: apple, rubber Costco cod, and some asparagus. I'M STILL HUNGRY. I mean, really hungry. Then, Mark said (not remembering my reactions whenever he's said this in the past), "That looks awesome!"

This was after he had a ham and Havarti sandwich on french bread, chocolate cake, and the last of the Trader Joe's chocolates from a friend. I had to resist the urge to stab him with my fork.

I need to try and remember how long it took before for the hunger to wear off a bit. I don't want to increase my meds precipitously, both because I don't want to get immune to it faster, and also because it's pay by the bottle now.

One more gripe, since you're here: I have to potty all the time. It's quite annoying, let me tell you!

Day 2: Do I Have to Get Out of Bed?

It's cold today!

Yesterday got somewhat better. Two pain pills, it took (sorry, Yoda moment). And a hot bath.

Half the loading weight is gone (I don't consider that a weight loss as I'd not have gained those pounds were it not for the loading day protocol--lame). All in all, an exceptionally uncomfortable day.

Today I have a physical therapy appt. and later I have to take Anna to dance. I wish I didn't have to do anything while I adjust to the hcg. Early on, it just makes me feel horrible--weak, starving, weirded out... I need to remember hcg IS a hormone, and I'm not hormonally stable anyway.

I wish there was another way. Sometimes I really hate this diet (and the feeling is mutual).

Day 1: OMG, I Feel Awful

Were it not for me now being in charge of Anna (Mark just left for work), I might possibly be curled up in a fetal position, whimpering. The two questions running around in my head: Why did I think this was a good idea? Would it be ok to quit?

I have a blinding headache, my overall body pain has gone bananas, and I'm very hungry. Misery, thy name is Sandra.

I keep worrying this is bad for my surgical recovery. But, it has been eight weeks so maybe it's not that important? Maybe I'll adapt and feel better soon?

I'm also quite upset about my weight. It's high. It's way high. Loading days suck at the end of them. And the worst is how much higher I am, today, than I was after the two steak days right before my surgery: 17 pounds higher.

Crikey. How did this happen? I know my after steak day weight didn't last. I mean, the next day it was up two pounds (clearly, water weight was all that happened after the second steak day). But it was a thing of beauty for that day! And, I also know the four pounds I gained on the two days of loading (!) aren't real. I'm sure it's mostly water. But add that all together and it just fills me with despair.

Despair coupled with feeling so darned AWFUL physically and I just wonder why I'm doing this? And why does my body fight me all the time? I've been so disciplined! It just feels unfair and yes I'm feeling sorry for myself and wish I had a mommy (or a sister would do)to make me feel better and tell me there's hope.

Loading Day 2: I Must Remember This Sensation

...of being overfull (as per regulations).

First Shot Fired Across the Bow

For the first time, it did not hurt. Not a pinch, not a burn. I take this as a very good omen. I loves me some Loading Days. I am enjoying eating like a horse and no mistake.

I still feel rather pissy I have to lose weight I've lost recently. It seems the summer session was a waste. It didn't go right (despite me following all the rules to the letter) and now I've gained most back. Grrr.

I know it's silly to dwell on what cannot be altered and just to move ahead, but still...I fret and worry. What if this doesn't work (long term)?

Oh well, as of Tuesday I'm back in the saddle. Today I went to church for the first time since my surgery. I knew it was a good time to go because it'd be short (no waiting for Anna SS). My back burned. But it was good to be there. It was not good to be in the lawnchair again. I'd hoped those days were behind me. Maybe they'll never be behind me.

It does feel kind of good to be getting back on the weight loss thing and going back to church. It feels like my life is starting forward again. I even shaved my legs today (first time since surgery!). It hurt! But, despite my fair skin and hair, I was starting to look like a satyr.

First Shot Fired Tomorrow

Woo hoo! A little nervous. Weight down a few pounds, still 5# over the zone. It makes me mad to have to re-lose weight, given it's so d***ned difficult, but at least it will go away (albeit go away again). In a couple of weeks I'll be back to Decade of Z--and beyond!

No matter what (ok, Lord willin' and the scale don't rise), by Thanksgiving I'll be in the decade beyond Z, into territory I've not seen since 1990. I'll take it!

Then one more winter cycle, and I may be done. Or able to see done from there. I hope this next cycle fixes again what went wonky with the last cycle and surgery and its aftermath. This has sucked on toast with a side of nasty.

Tomorrow and Monday--LOADING DAYS! If only life could be one long loading day. Guess that's what heaven is for.

Not Again

Got on the scale today. My wail drew the immediate attention of Mark and Anna who came thundering down the hall.

I'm now 10# over my LIW. 5# higher than just one week ago.

Not again, not again, not again...

One week countdown

'Til the next round. It sucks that the first couple of weeks will be spent re-losing the weight I gained since the surgery (and will gain during the loading days).

Bummer. But at least it'll be going down again. This going up business is disconcerting. It makes me think the two rounds I've done have not, in fact, "fixed" my metabolism. Because still eating less than the average bear, I'm gaining now on a slow but steady rate.

Maybe the surgery and meds? I hope? (That means it's correctable, right?)

Difficult

Well, I went a little nuts yesterday. I had a sandwich (with..bread--gasp!) for lunch. And then, for dinner, I ended up having Asian food (with...noodles--gasp!). Sigh.

It wasn't premeditated. It was more ease of eating. Mark was making sandwiches. I was too tired and sore to start from scratch and make a huge salad. Dinner was easy. And I was wickedly tired and sore after taking Anna to dance. We stopped by Safeway (my first time there in six weeks), and saw the "Shanghai Meal for 2" on sale for $9 and my pupils became egg rolls.

I'm planning on going for the hcg. The thought of getting another 25 off before Thanksgiving makes me giddy. But I'm also nervous. I'm worried it will be overhard during this post-op time, or that possibly it might somehow damage my healing. The doctor doesn't think it will. But with me, you know, I'm off the map.

This weekend we have some fun family time planned. And carbs will be involved. Again, join me now: sigh.

Nuts!

I ate some peanuts yesterday. Today my face was quite red, but not welty. So I was so annoyed about it, I said, "To heck with this" and had peanut butter on my apple. Was I born stupid? I can't say.

So, the weight's been up and down. It went up a bit, and I worked uber hard and got it back down. Then today it was up 1.5# fo NO REASON. Irksome.

I've been thinking and thinking about whether or not it'd be prudent to do another cycle right away. The problem is, if I don't do it soon (@3 weeks), it'll be into November. Then I'd just be able to get a short cycle in before the holidays.

So, I'm not totally sure. Right now, I don't feel up to it, but perhaps in three weeks I will. My plan, right now today, is to give it the old college try. And if I feel too awful, I can abort the mission and put the HCG in the freezer, try again in November. And it would not, indeed, be the end of the world.

But when I think about the possibility of being 30+ pounds lighter by Thanksgiving, I get all giddy. At that point, I think I could see the end of the road in the near distance. Not that I'd be thin and goddess-like like my girlz C and R. But that's ok. I'm me.

Yippee!

I ate blackberries yesterday morning without breaking out into a ladybug!

I've Decided to Live with It

Setbacks have the tendency to make me insane. My entire adult life has been fraught with them, due to my health. Surgery, back to nothing. Struggle up to some sort of functionality (never fully heal, though), then back to surgery, and the void. Rinse and repeat, ad nauseum.

So, this time where I'm not able to do more hcg, and not able to be active at all, in addition to compromising my body something awful, is certainly not what I'd wish for.

I've been crabby to have settled about 2# above the zone. The zone, if you remember, is a four pound range. Before the surgery, I was two pounds below the zone, into (albeit for about 29 seconds), the Decade of Z. Now, I'm back to a 61# weight loss, not close to a 70# one like I was but a month ago.

BUT, it is what it is. And my dear husband has helped me see a more positive angle on it. I *could* have gained a ton. Many, if not most people gain weight when they have a surgery that knocks them on their backs for a period of time. And with my sordid metabolism, the fact I'm hanging at a mere 2# above the zone, that's pretty darn good.

I honestly can't manage a hcg cycle now. I tried a steak day, only made it 'til noon because I was weak and ill. I need the nutrition right now. And it's ok.

I'll get there. And perhaps the getting there will be all the sweeter for the waiting.

Ok, C--I'm Updating!

I'm hovering at 2# above the zone. Expected, they say, because of the surgery/lack of activity/cortisol production.

Sucks, though.

The New Plan

Feeling good with food again, back to my maintenance weight, feeling like I'm managing my diet (not like it's managing me). It's @40 days 'til I get back in the ring. Hoping heartily to be up for it. I'm sure another month+ things will look way better for my back. Right now...not.

I talked to the doc's office yesterday and they said with all the nerve stuff I had done in the surgery, it will be a long time before I'll feel really better and able to make a legitimate judgment on whether or not it truly "worked." But for right now, I'm tired of the pain, of not being able to do my work with family and house. And I'm lonesome. I'm an extrovert, you know,and being at home all the time is not that great for me. Then with Mark working and doing school...you get the picture. Lonely girl.

But I digress. The Plan. Something to smile over! Due to things being moved around and Mark not being able to start student teaching until Feb. 1 (stupid semester system!), I have more time for two more hcg rounds--and now they won't conflict with travel plans (come on back, there are three trips in the making--Texas, Kentucky, and California--do your thing--heal! heal! heal!).

So, hcg round in Oct-Nov, then again in Feb-Mar (not including stabilization periods of three weeks per). Then, I might just be "done"! Sounds easy, doesn't it?! :)

More

Another half pound gone today. I can't explain it, but my sense of relief is awesome. Funny thing, a church friend brought us lasagna, so yesterday I had lasagna for lunch, and with dinner I had a scoop of potato salad. And still lost weight.

I have a shaky theory. Can my body tolerate savory carb, but not sugar carb? I thought it all translated the same (sugar).

I don't know, but I'm happy and relieved.

Yippee!

Back in the zone, baby! And it's not even hormonal mercies, either. So maybe a few more will go "bye bye" soon.

The best news about this is the last two days, I've had a little bit of carb (instead of no carb). I had a scoop of pasta salad with lunch two days in a row. The rest of the day was simple carb free, but even so. This bodes well for the future when I'm at a *good* long term weight. Perhaps this means I can have a little more "normal" diet (not normal normal, of course, but something) down the road. Like an English muffin. Or a small potato with dinner.

Yay!

Down two pounds today.

A Disturbing Trend

I did better Monday. I did well Tuesday. So I went to the scale with the full knowledge my weight would be down--only to find it up a FULL pound from yesterday. I know in my head what's going on right now has to be hormonal weight (water), but surely not all of it. What was almost a 70# loss is suddenly and violently a #59 pound loss.

Do I need to give up? Just accept my genes make me fat and that's that?

:(

A Bad Turn

Got on the scale. Up 5 pounds from (less than) a week ago. Should have known my metaolism wasn't "normal." Why can't I be normal?

Better weigh

I feel like I'm getting fatter. Maybe it has something to do with that Cadbury bar I ate.

I've Got a Plan!

Ok, I studied the calendar and put my thinking cap on. I think this will work! Three shortish sessions: late autumn, early winter, and spring. Then I think that ought to be it, Lord willin' and the scale don't rise!

The beauty part is I can back date my injections and go on Stabilization on Thanksgiving Day. Then I'll be all clear for some special Christmas meals. Then in the dead of winter, I can do it again, then be done for March Mayhem. Then after that, do another one at my leisure in the spring, around the proposed travel schedule (come on, back--you can do it!). That'd maybe be another 60. Hard to say. I can't picture what that amount of weight gone would look or feel like. I'd like to find out!

I'm hoping to maintain, though I've not been as strict as I'd like. But heck, it's not easy recovering from surgery #607. I'm not losing my mind, though. At least I don't think I am. But how would I know if I were? :)

I do think there's a lot of merit to this going slowly. Even though it's not really slow if you just take it in months. Six months ago I weighed nearly 70# more than now. Long periods of losing nothing with short periods of accelerated weight loss. Maintanance is the key for me now. Think long term. Long term. Long. Term.

A pickle

So here's the scoop. I had planned on doing another hcg round in early October. Then today I did the math, and with my cycles, were I to do an October one, it looks like I'd not get started until the end of Oct. Rats! Then I'd not be able to do a full long cycle, if I wanted to enjoy Christmas food at all. I had grudgingly reconciled myself to still being on the shots/diet during Thanksgiving, but Christmas, too? Come on! So if I do October, it'd probably be a four week cycle of shots (and approx. a 20# loss--if I'm lucky). Then not again until Jan. or Feb. So...not as good.

Then I got this great idea, Hey, I could do it in September! Then I'd be on stabilization for Thanksgiving (a huge pile of turkey and salad, at least) and done well before Christmas!

Then later, it hit me. I'd have to start only four weeks after my surgery. The diet/shot regimen is very hard on my body. I don't want to do ANYTHING to compromise my healing.

So I don't know what to do. I remind myself, "Long term!" But I'm really at a loss of what to do. I suppose I should wait a few more weeks, then ascertain how I'm doing. But, I like a good plan to work with.

Thoughts (on email, please)?

Entrapment!

Well, I've been doing pretty well with food. Then today, I was gifted with both lemon bars *and* oatmeal raisin cookies!

Officer, I was framed. Ah, well, if one can't have a dessert (or two) when one has one's spine carved on, when can one? It's not like I have surgery every day. Well, ok, feels like it sometimes.

Yay!

Finally manned up and got on the scale. I'm in the zone! .2 below my LIW, even. :) Sweet! Definitely feeling an upswing in optimism. :) I'm not going to push my luck, diet wise. But I'm lovin' the HCG diet; it really does seem to reset the metabolism!

Mark and I have settled down eating wise, for the most part. We're not requesting when people bring meals that it be uber low carb, 'cause a little dessert is tasty. But we're not buying any on our own and our between meal snacks are healthy.

Headed out to my first physical therapy appt. Feeling happy!

Lost My Way

Been eating like a longshoreman for a few days. Prayers please for regained footing!

So Much for the Diet

It's been utterly abandoned this week. Ugh. I'm still not back on pop or junk food, but still, many carbs have been ingested.

Thankfully, Mark and I are going to get back on our regular type of diet upon returning home.

I know I'm retaining lots of water; I feel like a balloon. I'll wait a couple of days before weighing. I hope the damage isn't too great!

Well, here I am

Hanging out alone at the Laser Spine Institute. For some reason that escapes me, when I finished nearly everything @1:00, they "changed" my MRI appt. to be at 2:30. Anna and Mark are somewhere, and didn't answer either the cell or the hotel extension.

So, here I wait, alone and lonely. There was salad and water. I chose sandwich, brownie, and lemonade.

:( I'm wishing I had a cell phone (we just have one), or even my phone card, so I could call a friend. No luck.

Guess I'll go try and find a comfortable place and break open my book. Self pity isn't attractive, I know, but here I am. I'm feeling kind of scared, my back really hurts, and I'm lonely. We had no idea there'd be big gaps between things, or they'd not have left. Heck, I wanted them to leave, because I thought it'd be better for them, especially Anna, to go have some fun.

Foiled!

Well, the plane ride is painful. Yep. And it made me want to eat. Yeah, I was kinda hungry, but we did have cheese sticks and fruit along. Even so, feeling stressed, and a bit out of my element, and hurting, that cheeseburger and coke they advertised sounded good.

So I waffled and pondered. Decided not to. Then thought maybe I was being ridiculous as where I was and what I was doing and what I was on my way to do were hardly normal circumstances. So, I decided to go for it.

Then they announced they were out of them.

Sometimes the universe has a good sense of humor.

Oh, come on now!

4 pounds in 4 days. Give me a break! Mark says to relax, it's just water, etc. But that is easy for him to say!

Cripes.

So I went to the Fair

And shared an Elephant Ear with the fam.

So there.

Bye Bye, Decade of Z

So fleeting...sigh. All that work for two steak days! Argh! Two pounds in a day. Realistically, I refuse to believe two cookies and a little popcorn would cause a two pound jump. Lame, though.

I think I may not weigh until after Arizona from this point on. Today and tomorrow is the Fair, and I shall be consuming one meal per day there (the rest totally on program). Then...the trip.

I'm scared. Once again I find myself in the pre-surgery place of wishing this cup could be passed from me.

69!

The year I was born, and now the amount of weight in pounds I have lost. And yet...and yet...still heavy.

SIGH.

Well, that's neither here nor there. I'm hoping I don't put it all back on in the next few days. I've been invited out to lunch today. I'm surprising Anna tonight by taking her to see Despicable Me at the drive in, then it's two days of the Fair, then...Arizonuh.

I will be reasonable, but not monastic, methinks.

Ok, One Thing Sucked

Helping Anna make both shortbread and brownies on a foodless day. Ugh!

Decade of Z!

Oh, I wish that meant I was done! You see, the whole Decade of X, Y, and Z wasn't planned out. I arbitrarily gave the letter X to the number I would plateau (repeatedly). So then when I got into the "decade" it became Decade of X. Then the decade below became Y and so forth.

So I did a little jig when I slide into Decade of Z. Tomorrow I should be firmly entrenched into it after suffering through another steak day today.

Then again, I almost made it a misteak day. Anna was chomping down on some grape tomatoes, and I absentmindedly took a grab toward the tomatoes. Stopped just in time.

So after Decade of Z, I guess I'll have to come up with more stupid things to call stuff. :)

Yeah, baby!

Steak day=successful. I'm to the lowest I've been in close to 20 years. Woo hoo! Between my "special time" ending and the steak day, I'm back in the saddle again. I'm half a pound above the next decade. Sweet!

In fact, I'm going to do it again tomorrow. I want extra credit for the travel and surgery. I hope it doesn't destabilize things, but I'm going for it anyhow. The doctor told me if one needed to do two steak days, they could, with a day's break. That's today.

While I'm grateful my hormonal shift has gotten me out of the deep, dark forest in time for my surgery, I do wish it had of happened before VBS. As hard as I try to mind-over-matter it, I DO suffer terribly with hormonal stuff. I had so hoped being sugar free would cure it. It hasn't.

When the big shift happens, I feel like I walked out of a dark room into a light one. Last week was rough. It's stressful for me anyway. The physical pain of being on my feet for days is brutal. Then add the hormonal stuff, and it's just not good! Physically, emotionally, I'm in a quagmire. I don't think my competence suffers, but I'd sure like to feel happy.

Guess I'd better put it on the list for things to deal with with my doctor (naturopath, of course) after my back gets sorted out. Sadly, even with the back and weight being worked on, my health problems make a very long list.

Starving!

Steak days are only fun for the 15 minutes one is eating the steak.

Steak Day...?

Scale was down .6 today. Yay! That is a relief. I'm still a pound+ over my LIW, and I'd like to be below that, so I'm attempting a steak day. I have a lot of running around to do and I'm still...hormonally compromised and weary from the last week. So we'll see. I may need to abort the mission, but I'm giving it the old college try.

One Ounce

...from being out of the zone (on the bad end). Sigh. There still could be water issues as my hormonal tsunami is still pummeling my body. I'm planning a steak day tomorrow. Hope it's not ill advised with my current physical status. But I think that's the only day I can do it before leaving in a week.

Last Maintenance I had more time to prepare food. This time I've been eating on program, but a lot of the same stuff. Could it have something to do with it? Or is it just the continuing problems with this cycle?

And I'm worried about Arizona food/weight gain.

Balance=very twicky.

Scale Up (Frown Down)

Still in the zone, but barely. I'm still pretty sure it's cycle related. But I can't be positive. I have had a carb meal every other day since maintenance started. I can't do a steak day 'till Monday. By then I guess I'll know if it's water or fat.

Feeling stressed and lonely with the weight of VBS and surgery on my shoulders. I know food won't help. Not really.

But I sure would like to strap on the feed bag and give it a try!

Lunch Out!

Today we had to make a trip to Silverdale to get Costco VBS food. That was accomplished, and we made it home with 15 minutes for poor Mark to get his work clothes on and leave (groan).

While down there, we went to Taco del Mark and Coldstone. I had the free birthday item coupon. Both were really, really good. I ate less than I used to at both, which I think is a good sign.

This morning the scale was in the zone. I'm at a water-retention point in my hormonal reign-of-terror cycle. I wish my body would get on with things 'cause this is a really bad time to have PMS.

VBS is bearing down hard as is my surgery. And I had to see my sister today. Anna was happy to see her cousin. My sister was...pleasant. Apathy is a precicion tool she weilds with grace and style. Heck, I'd almost wish she was hostile to me; at least I could believe she cared.

A Nice Surprise

Today the soup at the church potluck was a proteinious delight. Usually it's noodles with a side of noodles. Today was bean and sausage. Yay!

And the verdict is...

The scale did not go up. In fact, it went down a little bit. Yay!

Went to an Ice Cream Social

I had one small scoop, two small cookies, and one small cup of lemonade. Still good! But I felt kinda yucky after. I do fine with sugars when it's with a meal, not as the meal.

Wonder what the scale will do? This morning I was a pound up, but I'm reasonably certain it's cycle related. Proof of a fallen world: me approaching "that time of the month" going into VBS week. Be afraid.

I think the next time I'm faced with a carb orgy, I may pass. Or maybe just have one item (though very small, I had everything offered). I really do feel more comfortable having dessert with a meal.

Anna was great. She played "Oh Susannah" on her violin. It was awesome.

Crikey, I'm sore. All week driving in and out of town, working like a trojan. Sad to say, walking is difficult. Oh please, let the surgery work.

Graduation

I'm in Maintanance. Woo hoo! Sorry I've not written lately; I've been so busy...and so tired. Last night I was in bed @8:30. Too much for this body with Anna's camp to and from, VBS prep, and surgery stuff prep. I'm just worn out (and in pain).

But..maintenance! Yesterday I had my first non-program meal. True, I didn't go buck wild, but even so--bacon was consumed! And a piece of bread the size of a 50 cent piece (boy, was it tasty).

And today...weight exactly the same! I'm going insane today, dude, and put a carrot on my salad. Don't try and stop me.

Nice and Steady!

Back down. Just 1.6 above Z.

A Message?

You how how on Amazon you get these stupid catch phrases to enter in the shipping box (I never do, but I see the phrases before ignoring them!)? Today's said: Sandra's Dramatic Alternation.

How'd they know?

Still in the Zone

Another picnic down. It's getting easier. Don't love it, but I can live with it. It's not forever.

I may have mentioned this, but if I can lose another 10 or so before October, then do a long session (where it goes well) and lose the full 35, I may be *done* right before Christmas.

That'd be sweet!

I realize it may not all be perfect, given life isn't thus, but I'm going to give it a try. Another 45 and I think I'd be pretty smurfy.

Grrr

One pound up. But still in the zone.

Muffins

Tomorrow is our church picnic; I wanted to bake something. So these incredible smelling banana muffins are filling the house with sweet goodness! Boy, do I wish I could eat one (or 10). I'm truly grateful I can still glean pleasure from cooking and baking despite my dietary restrictions. But still, I'd like a muffin!

I don't like the feeling my life is reduced to a giant, pulsating TO DO list. This is the third out of four summers I've had surgery. And the other one my mom died! Do I not qualify for a break? Other teachers have summers off, you know!

My back hurts cruelly. The aforementioned to do list involves movement. A lot of it. And it flares my back something awful. The pain is almost an entity. And I no longer have food to anesthetize me.

Three weeks to go. Did I mention I wish I could have a muffin?

And the verdict is...

Stable. Weight stayin' the same, which is just fine with me.

Not looking over forward to tomorrow, with a big potluck picnic, then a birthday party at a public place that will have snacks that likewise I can't eat. It's not convenient to have to produce and tote mass quantities of food.

Four days 'til MAINTENANCE! Looking forward to it. Not that I can strap on a nose bag, but at least I can work special meals into my plan.

Woot!

Down again. Yay! Down .6 from LIW. Face is almost clear. Emotions=within normal peramaters. I'm a little less than 2# above Decade of Z.

Could happen!

Yes, I Was Saying

If I can get 40ish more off, I think I can be happy and healthy. I donno, of course. I'll have to see. 40 off what I have now will likely look a lot different on a 40-year-old frame than it did 20 years ago when I erupted in fat.

So, maybe one more long cycle. You'll just have to put up with me for the seven+ weeks. Ugh. I guess I'll have to put up with me too!

While I like the idea of doing it in the bleak Jan-Feb time, getting it over and done is appealing too.

Well, I guess it all depends on my surgery recovery, too. Again, time will tell.

A Moment of Optimism?

I think I'm doing better. I've been stabilizing for two weeks, and it just occured to me that I'm feeling more stable! Emotionally, of course. Mentally, it's a free for all at any time. :)

Here's my working plan. Since I did the math (and even "Sandra Math" coudn't save it), I'll do a long program in Oct-Nov (should be done five seconds before Christmas). I'm hoping to lose maybe 10# between now and October. I don't know if that will happen. Time will tell.

If it does, and I can lose 35# on the next long cycle, that may be "it"! I'm not aspiring for the goddess-like physiques of my friends who have lost weight. I don't think I'm built for "thin." Really now, who has my bra size (naturally, not Pamela Anderson) and is svelte?

But that's ok with me. I'm me. I just want to be me without a big belly!

Today

1# up but still in the zone.

I Found a Snack!

I had to log back on because I remembered something I needed to do. So I thought I'd tell you my snack happiness while I'm online. I've been thwarted losing nuts, berries, and my favorite snack: apples dipped in peanut or almond butter.

So today, I decided I'd try apple slices dipped in soft cream cheese. YUM-O! I have a snacky thing now!

A little nervous about the scale tomorrow. While Anna and Mark had camping food, I ate a large container (over three days) of cherry tomatoes. Will all be well? Or will I have gained 33 pounds since Sunday morning?

One week 'til bacon.

Stable...?

I forgot to blog before I left. Weight was stable. For one day, then I left for two! So tomorrow will tell the tale of the scale. Gulp.

Ok, so camping on a special diet kinda sucks. But, it's not uncharted territory. I've gone to the drive-in, and sat through several foodcentric holidays and lived to tell.

So this guy sort of hit on me at the Sol Duc hot springs. He wasn't a pervert or a creep, so I wasn't grossed out. Just darned surprised.

Apres the Steak Day

-2# Back to my LIW (.2 below, actually).

We'll be going camping tomorrow after church, so I'll not be weighing Monday and Tuesday. Probably a good thing. My psyche needs the break.

I spent laborious time making a plan for bringing my special food along. What a pain!

But there will be many other camping trips, holidays, and meals out.