We need to talk

Heck, I need to talk! 17 days with no voice. Three weeks with The Virus. I felt ill until Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. I have to say one good thing: I've come to appreciate the ability to communicate much more than ever before. It even feels more important to me than the inability to sit! If I had to choose between never being able to sit or talk again, sitting can go.

It's depressing, frustrating, and worrisome. With my sordid medical history, I start thinking, what if this never goes away? Food...has not been good. I've been playing fast and loose with it and I've not weighed. And I don't feel good about it. Things have been so stressful! And I've seemed to have lost my fire for the whole project. I'm feeling burnt out and tired of working so hard for what feels like nothing. The weight comes back despite the constant deprivation and effort.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still eating mostly healthy. We have lots of produce and protein. It's just some other stuff has crept back in. I've not gone over to the dark side and starting drinking soda again (Mmmmm....soda....), and I've not eaten crap carbs, like Snickers (Mmmmm....snickers....). But, carb has made its evil, insidious way back into my daily diet.

I know I've gained. All my clothes still fit, but the ones that were loose, now aren't as loose. And with leaving for surgery in a couple of weeks, and eating take out exclusively FOR two weeks in Phoenix, I shudder.

I feel weird. I'm tired of trying to communicate with no speaking voice. I'm tired of people whispering at me, or worse yet, talking LOUDLY, and worst yet, talking to me slooowwwwlllyyy. It's weird. Some people get what I'm trying to say easily. Other people, good golly I could use a reader board and they'd not get it. So I end up whispering, and that flares up my vocal chords all the more.

I feel like everybody's forgetting me, too. We only had the smallest of summers to begin with, and now half is gone with sickness. Only a couple of weeks left to try and scramble to get done, and still no voice

As I whispered to Mark during church today, quoting The Great Gonzo, "I feel like I have starfish in my pants." Just uncomfortable. I miss my mom.