2012: The Year of Enough

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. ~Brooks Atkinson

The end of 2011. Goodbye! It wasn’t 2009 bad, but it was not one of the better ones. I weigh 40 pounds more than I did a year ago. That is impressive in itself, but you much figure in I lost over 20 pounds more than that before the massive gain. So I lost 25 or so, gained 60. And I gained the 60 over the last 6 months. That is not normal. Nor is it healthy. But it is heartbreaking and frightening.

I’ve been pursuing more medical testing. I just got the last bit from Dr. Nice done. I see him in a month and we’ll go over all the results. Prior to that, the same day, I have a cortisol challenge test, which promises to be unpleasant. But if it tells us what we need to know, it’ll be worth it.

Right now I’m in a lot of pain. Yesterday and today we were in Seattle getting tests. One test to wrap up Dr. Nice’s orders, and a follow up about my voice. It seems there’s some lasting damage from the virus, which he says is odd in someone my age. Welcome to my life. But, I can talk. That has to be enough.

More back surgery this past year. Yeah, another unsuccessful back surgery. Losing my voice for three months. The 80 pound weight merry-go-round from hell. I just wanna be normal!

But it’s not all been bad, of course. My husband graduated. Our daughter is a daily sense of joy and wonder for us. There’s music, and laughter, and love. There’s a hand up when you’re face down on the ground thinking, I can’t do this. It seems the hard, the painful, and the black accentuates the lovely, the good, and the rainbows. Sometimes it’s hard to see it through the pain. But it’s there.

I hope to make some changes this next year. I am trying to be cognizant of the fact most of my plans don’t work out, as I can’t control what my body does. I did all the hard work to lose that #105 pounds. And I can say from my heart it’s not my fault what happened after. Same with exercise goals, etc. I can only do what I can do. And I try REALLY hard. But it’s so often not enough.

I guess that’s part of my goals for the new year, keep working hard, but don’t let my happiness and sense of satisfaction be wholly tied up in the outcome. There’s so much that *could* happen in 2012—maybe I get a diagnosis and the weight and other serious problems go away?! Maybe my back gets better? Maybe both and by the end of next year, a second child? (Ok, don’t laugh. I know I’m 42 and change but I can still put asses in the seats, baby! Maybe. Ok, you can laugh. I am.)

But, as much as it makes me sad, probably not. Probably none of it. But like I said, I can only do what I do now, which is try really hard. That has to be enough.

There are a couple of relationships in my life that make me sad. I feel like Charlie Brown to their Lucy with the football. But again, it leads to the same conclusion: me trying really hard isn’t enough. I’ve never been good at letting go. Frankly, I suck at it.

So, what to do then? Write out my goals and dreams for 2012, and then let them go. One of my main goals is to, as an act of will, focus on the good. There’s so much good. As I type this, faces and images drift lazily through my mind. With all my damaged brokenness, pain, and…special needs…people love me! And I love people—with my whole heart. That has to be enough.

Thank you God, for the people. Ok, 2012…bring it!