For four days now I've bounced one pound up, one pound down, one pound back up, one pound back down--to the ounce, mind you. What the heck? Come on body, MOVE ON!
And while I'm here, all size XLs are not created equal. I was so happy about my two new XL pants purchases (thank you Goodwill and Penneys), I got out a pair of yoga pants I bought last summer at Costco, for the then future, size XL. It wasn't pretty. They aren't pants, they're a tourniquet.
A little blog about Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Accurate Math (I think)
43 days of hell-er-I mean hcg diet. Today is day 18. Ugh, that's...25 left. Gross! Ok, deep breath. Just a few more days 'til I reach the halfway mark.
Did I say ugh?
Did I say ugh?
Perspective
I just peeked at several blog entries from my last cycle in June/July. Hey, it sucked then, too! I tend to romanticize the past cycles. Apparently, every time I do this diet I feel fatigued, starving, and frustrated, and it never goes quite how I plan.
Wait, that's my life, not just the diet. :-}
Doing this until November 25 seems impossible--or at least highly uncomfortable. At times I entertain aborting the mission at the "short cycle" mark. But then I'd have to do this more times overall. No, thank you.
Eyes on the prize: I'm down over 70 pounds--well over halfway. I can do this. I need to buck up--it's not like I'm not used to suffering, right?! I'll just cry in the corner while my daughter eats her Halloween candy.
Wait, that's my life, not just the diet. :-}
Doing this until November 25 seems impossible--or at least highly uncomfortable. At times I entertain aborting the mission at the "short cycle" mark. But then I'd have to do this more times overall. No, thank you.
Eyes on the prize: I'm down over 70 pounds--well over halfway. I can do this. I need to buck up--it's not like I'm not used to suffering, right?! I'll just cry in the corner while my daughter eats her Halloween candy.
Ok, it's not 25 days
It's 18 days. I tried to give myself a promotion, I guess.
And I don't care if I'm retaining water (making the pound happen). Emotionally, it feels like I'm retaining fat!
And I don't care if I'm retaining water (making the pound happen). Emotionally, it feels like I'm retaining fat!
I Can't Count Well, but Today is Apparently Day 25?
Up a full pound. NOT FAIR! I hate it when that happens.
Friday, October 29, 2010
ugh
Wednesday was a big day and I'm physically feeling it now. My fibromyalgia symptoms are flared up (noticed it last night), as are my TOS (thoracic outlet) hand/arm symptoms. Knee's better, though! So I'm feelin' as low as a snake's belly. I'm also feeling irritation at my precious child. Not her fault, mine. I'm just physically and emotionally drained. Sucks to not have extended family. I tried to make plans for her, but nobody was available.
Glad about the pound, though. I'm so looking forward to the next decade (of weight). It feels like I've been hanging around this general area for months--hey, I have! Since July, in fact.
I know most people have good manners and some feel it's not polite to make comments on one's physical appearance (my mom was like that). But I must say, my favorite moment came when I saw a friend I've not seen in a long while (and I'm not routinely telling people about my diet--due to my long history of failure), When my friend saw me, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Whoooaaa!"
Made my day.
Glad about the pound, though. I'm so looking forward to the next decade (of weight). It feels like I've been hanging around this general area for months--hey, I have! Since July, in fact.
I know most people have good manners and some feel it's not polite to make comments on one's physical appearance (my mom was like that). But I must say, my favorite moment came when I saw a friend I've not seen in a long while (and I'm not routinely telling people about my diet--due to my long history of failure), When my friend saw me, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Whoooaaa!"
Made my day.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Happy day!
I heard back from my doctor about my intense (and unpleasant) hunger issues. He said for me to try an extra ounce of protein with both lunch and dinner.
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 16: .6
I can live with a steady .6. That would get me into my new categorization system. :) My knee hurts like @*&^, pal. I'm just saying. I had to be on my feet a lot yesterday and it's puffed up and sore. Why? Who can tell? Sucks, though. I wish I could treat it with a mimosa IV or something!
If I cruise at .6, that'd be another 15 at the LIW. If it's .7, 17.5. .8, 20 (oh, please!!). Then the stabilizing and maintaining over the holidays--ouch. T'wont be easy. But I have a plan.
My plan is my overall maintance plan for life. A lot of salad entrees, especially when on a day where one meal will be particually rich. Try to drink a big glass of water half an hour before eating. Try to have a salad 15 minutes before dinner (clearly not on the meals I'm having a salad as the meal. Salad with a salad chaser.). Eat slower. I tend to bolt my food like my puppy (Like my puppy does; I do not eat my puppy--too furry).
Are you bored yet? Ok, I'll go.
If I cruise at .6, that'd be another 15 at the LIW. If it's .7, 17.5. .8, 20 (oh, please!!). Then the stabilizing and maintaining over the holidays--ouch. T'wont be easy. But I have a plan.
My plan is my overall maintance plan for life. A lot of salad entrees, especially when on a day where one meal will be particually rich. Try to drink a big glass of water half an hour before eating. Try to have a salad 15 minutes before dinner (clearly not on the meals I'm having a salad as the meal. Salad with a salad chaser.). Eat slower. I tend to bolt my food like my puppy (Like my puppy does; I do not eat my puppy--too furry).
Are you bored yet? Ok, I'll go.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Pants!
Today I picked up a pair of jammie pants (mine were too big--hee). Penneys had a sale, I had a $10 off certificate (came in the mail). So, a good thing all around. But, the GREAT thing is, I got a standard XL. Not a plus size. Regular rack.
Hmmm, right now I have size flexibility; I can cherry pick from the best of both sides of the rack.
And I lost .06.
Hmmm, right now I have size flexibility; I can cherry pick from the best of both sides of the rack.
And I lost .06.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Woot
I think I'm going to weigh every other day from now on--it's much more encouraging. Even if the weight loss isn't impressive, it will be more so than if one does it every day.
Today it was 1.6. Cool! I'm one pound above a 70# loss. Still fat (go figure). I must have hidden fat holders. Hey, maybe it's my secret power! Probably all this Nordic blood. Genetically we have to retain fat. :)
So last night Anna and I were watching the Food Network (I know; not the brightest thing to be doing when on a stringent diet). There's this show called The Best Thing I Ever Ate, done by various FN stars. It's very entertaining.
Anyway, Sunny Anderson comes on. She's a bubbly, full figured gal, with no reservations about being so. So she pops and said, "This is the Anderson frame"--proudly indicating her ample backside and hips--"You know what it takes to maintain this? Carbs!"
Anna looked at me askance as I pumped my fist in the air in a show of solidarity, gleefully shouting, "Represent!"
Today it was 1.6. Cool! I'm one pound above a 70# loss. Still fat (go figure). I must have hidden fat holders. Hey, maybe it's my secret power! Probably all this Nordic blood. Genetically we have to retain fat. :)
So last night Anna and I were watching the Food Network (I know; not the brightest thing to be doing when on a stringent diet). There's this show called The Best Thing I Ever Ate, done by various FN stars. It's very entertaining.
Anyway, Sunny Anderson comes on. She's a bubbly, full figured gal, with no reservations about being so. So she pops and said, "This is the Anderson frame"--proudly indicating her ample backside and hips--"You know what it takes to maintain this? Carbs!"
Anna looked at me askance as I pumped my fist in the air in a show of solidarity, gleefully shouting, "Represent!"
Today is a big day!
"Less than one month 'til cheese!" The hcg diet will go into phase 3 (stabilization) on Nov. 25--Thanksgiving. Today is Oct. 26. Can I make it? Or will I lose my mind, vault over the table, and forcibly remove my husband's peanut butter toast? We'll see.
Yesterday I went along for the ride on a few errands. I made them bagels w/cream cheese with accompanying snacks. I had two ounces of chicken, one apple, and four ounces of cucumber. My stomach was underwhelmed and kept asking me, "When's lunch?"
I need to talk to my doc again (however fruitless). I get *really* annoyed when all the press about the diet says: You won't feel hungry! You'll feel great! You'll lose 1-2# per day! Really, in my experience, which in this day and age is considerable given the newness of the hcg fad--it's a bunch of crap.
I feel starving, almost all the time. If I had any less energy, I'd be in a coma. And generally, if I'm lucky, it's half a pound. And this is with me following the diet with monastic devotion. So, either it's me (entirely possible), or the press is a bunch of hype luring the chronically heavy with its siren song, only to dash us against the rocks of reality.
Yesterday I went along for the ride on a few errands. I made them bagels w/cream cheese with accompanying snacks. I had two ounces of chicken, one apple, and four ounces of cucumber. My stomach was underwhelmed and kept asking me, "When's lunch?"
I need to talk to my doc again (however fruitless). I get *really* annoyed when all the press about the diet says: You won't feel hungry! You'll feel great! You'll lose 1-2# per day! Really, in my experience, which in this day and age is considerable given the newness of the hcg fad--it's a bunch of crap.
I feel starving, almost all the time. If I had any less energy, I'd be in a coma. And generally, if I'm lucky, it's half a pound. And this is with me following the diet with monastic devotion. So, either it's me (entirely possible), or the press is a bunch of hype luring the chronically heavy with its siren song, only to dash us against the rocks of reality.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Ok, more props to the planet
I'm getting better at the stats thing. So, sorry if I left you out. Let me fix that before hobbling into the kitchen to fix their lunch for later:
Hello Canada (I can see you from my porch--really. Across the Strait of Juan de Fuca. :) Hello, China. Love your food and art. Hello, Russia. Great skaters. Hello, Latvia. I am a tiny bit Latvian! Hello, Spain. We've been studying Isabella and Ferdinand. Hello, Chile. My dad saw you when he was in the Navy 100 years ago. Hello, India. I used to dream about you when I was pregnant.
Thanks for reading!
Hello Canada (I can see you from my porch--really. Across the Strait of Juan de Fuca. :) Hello, China. Love your food and art. Hello, Russia. Great skaters. Hello, Latvia. I am a tiny bit Latvian! Hello, Spain. We've been studying Isabella and Ferdinand. Hello, Chile. My dad saw you when he was in the Navy 100 years ago. Hello, India. I used to dream about you when I was pregnant.
Thanks for reading!
No Weight Today
Scale battery is down.
I was just thinking, I'll sure be glad to be done with these hcg cycles. They're--if nothing else--inconvenient.
I'm riding along today on a few errands (should be a challenge with my dog-injured foot!), and I have to pack my tiny amount of lackluster food while they all chomp down on bagels and cream cheese.
Sigh.
I was just thinking, I'll sure be glad to be done with these hcg cycles. They're--if nothing else--inconvenient.
I'm riding along today on a few errands (should be a challenge with my dog-injured foot!), and I have to pack my tiny amount of lackluster food while they all chomp down on bagels and cream cheese.
Sigh.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Cool
I realized Mark will finish student teaching the same time I finish my next (last!) hcg cycle--we'll graduate at the same time!
Funny Thing
I just got done taking a bath (that's not the funny thing). After my bath, I put my robe on, and absently thought, What's the matter with my robe? It feels weird.
Do you know what the problem was (however minor)? It's bordering on too big now.
Do you know what the problem was (however minor)? It's bordering on too big now.
Hello, World!
I've never before dinked around and looked at the "stats."
Hello, Australia, Hello, Holland! My grandmother was from Holland, so I am precisely 1/4 Dutch.
I hope to visit your find countries someday if I can get healthy again. Count on it.
:)
Hello, Australia, Hello, Holland! My grandmother was from Holland, so I am precisely 1/4 Dutch.
I hope to visit your find countries someday if I can get healthy again. Count on it.
:)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
No Pie for Me
Mark and Anna are at our church's harvest party. I hate being left behind. But there were two, then three, reasons it was better for me to stay home. One, my back is not up to a couple hour event. Two, my diet sure as heck is not up to a "pie a thon," and three, I tripped over my stupidy puppy and hurt my foot, so walking is extremely painful right now.
So, I'm having a cup of self pity and watching my Harry Dresden dvd.
So, I'm having a cup of self pity and watching my Harry Dresden dvd.
Update
I counted squares on the calendar today. 32 'til cheese! 30 until last injection/LIW. Woo hoo! To meet my IhopeIhopeIhope goal, I'd need to lose 21 more pounds. Mmmmm. Unlikely.
For those of you keeping score at home, I've lost 66 pounds.
How am I still fat? Where did I PUT all that?
For those of you keeping score at home, I've lost 66 pounds.
How am I still fat? Where did I PUT all that?
Day 12
Down .6. It's not the glamorous results popularized, but I can live with it, if it keeps up. I'm 1.4 above Decade of Z. Again.
I had a pleasant surprise this morning. I haven't checked my blood sugar in a long while. It's always above 100. Until today. I checked it, and the meter read 86. I asked it, "Are you sure?" (I know, not a good sign to be anthropomorphizing medical equipment...) I then changed the test materials and tested again on my other hand: 84.
Sweet.
I realized why I'm so angry about being hungry all the time. Firstly, because it's "not supposed to be this way." That's a recurring theme for me medically. And in other arenas as well. I can't seem to grow up and accept life is neither equal nor fair.
But the biggest reason (I think) is my chronic pain. There's little I can do to alleviate my chronic pain, despite trying all the time. And being hungry (which is not pleasant) is something I *can* do something about. So when I can't, it just adds another unpleasant layer to my body, and it makes me mad.
There you have it. Dr. Phil has nothing on my brilliant insight.
I had a pleasant surprise this morning. I haven't checked my blood sugar in a long while. It's always above 100. Until today. I checked it, and the meter read 86. I asked it, "Are you sure?" (I know, not a good sign to be anthropomorphizing medical equipment...) I then changed the test materials and tested again on my other hand: 84.
Sweet.
I realized why I'm so angry about being hungry all the time. Firstly, because it's "not supposed to be this way." That's a recurring theme for me medically. And in other arenas as well. I can't seem to grow up and accept life is neither equal nor fair.
But the biggest reason (I think) is my chronic pain. There's little I can do to alleviate my chronic pain, despite trying all the time. And being hungry (which is not pleasant) is something I *can* do something about. So when I can't, it just adds another unpleasant layer to my body, and it makes me mad.
There you have it. Dr. Phil has nothing on my brilliant insight.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Day 11: Meh
.6. Whatever. One pound in three days does not make me do this: :) That I could do on my own without the harpoon and misery (and expense).
Thursday, October 21, 2010
This Isn't Specifically About Weight
So, if you don't want to hear me ramble, log off now. :) I've been up for over two hours (yes, that means I woke up @4:15). Nobody else is up and I'm a little bored and lonely! My hand is acting up, so it's cold, but I'll just deal with it.
Ok, a diet related thing. I'm sure hoping my body plays nice in the sandbox and gives up the 2# it owes me. I'd hate to send it to collections.
I loathe not being able to get back to sleep. Part of the problem was pain, being in a lot of it and not being able to get comfy again. But that's hardly new ground and usually I can sleep. Go figure. I'll be sorry later when I'm desperate for a nap!
I think I've come up with a new lettering system for after I max out with the pending Decade of Z.
After that, there's 50 pounds to my Ultimate Goal. I thought perhaps I'd just start at A for each decade leading up to it. Perhaps:
A=Awesome
B=Bodacious
C=Cool
D=Divine
E=Excellent
What do you think? Any better ideas? I'm open to them! Who knows, I might stop with Cool (or ?). Hard to say. I've certainly no conceit I can truly have a major impact on what my body does, despite my hardest efforts.
What I do know is, even if this is as good as it gets, it's 65# lighter than I was before, and that's pretty damn good.
Ok, a diet related thing. I'm sure hoping my body plays nice in the sandbox and gives up the 2# it owes me. I'd hate to send it to collections.
I loathe not being able to get back to sleep. Part of the problem was pain, being in a lot of it and not being able to get comfy again. But that's hardly new ground and usually I can sleep. Go figure. I'll be sorry later when I'm desperate for a nap!
I think I've come up with a new lettering system for after I max out with the pending Decade of Z.
After that, there's 50 pounds to my Ultimate Goal. I thought perhaps I'd just start at A for each decade leading up to it. Perhaps:
A=Awesome
B=Bodacious
C=Cool
D=Divine
E=Excellent
What do you think? Any better ideas? I'm open to them! Who knows, I might stop with Cool (or ?). Hard to say. I've certainly no conceit I can truly have a major impact on what my body does, despite my hardest efforts.
What I do know is, even if this is as good as it gets, it's 65# lighter than I was before, and that's pretty damn good.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Oh, I Remember This!
Today I took a step, and felt a stabbing pain in my calf. I'd forgotten that little nugget! It's annoying, but not serious. And I like the reason for it. It's caused when a lot of weight is lost quickly. The muscle needs time to shrink. And I did lose 8# of fat the first week.
Ow, but not serious. Certainly it pales in comparison to my "regular" pain. I can live with it.
Then I remembered I likely have the shivering cold freak show to look forward to. Ugh.
Ow, but not serious. Certainly it pales in comparison to my "regular" pain. I can live with it.
Then I remembered I likely have the shivering cold freak show to look forward to. Ugh.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A Splash of Optimism
I realized, there's five more weeks. Yeah, yuck, but beyond yuck, if things go well (not great...well), I could lose 25 big ones. That would be sweet! It would put me at my goal, plus a few for good measure.
The higher dose seems to be doing the job, too. Today I was hungry, but not unbearably so. This level I can live with. Let's hope it keeps up!
If I make this goal, then I have one more round before reaching, what I believe to be, my final weight goal. Sure, it's been since 1990 that I will have weighed that, and I suppose it's within the realm of possibility I might choose to do more...but I doubt it.
I'd sure like the opportunity to decide that when reaching The Big Goal. Right here, right now, it almost seems possible.
The higher dose seems to be doing the job, too. Today I was hungry, but not unbearably so. This level I can live with. Let's hope it keeps up!
If I make this goal, then I have one more round before reaching, what I believe to be, my final weight goal. Sure, it's been since 1990 that I will have weighed that, and I suppose it's within the realm of possibility I might choose to do more...but I doubt it.
I'd sure like the opportunity to decide that when reaching The Big Goal. Right here, right now, it almost seems possible.
Day 7, Part II
7.8 pounds this week! I've earned it. Too bad the rate of loss won't continue (in what other area of life is more loss good?).
I did the math, and to meet my ultimate goal (or, Ultimate Goal) this cycle, I have to lose .7 every day.
MMMmMMMMMMmmmm...unlikely. But not completely impossible (partially impossible, then?).
Anyway, I hope. And I'll let you know in 34 days.
I did the math, and to meet my ultimate goal (or, Ultimate Goal) this cycle, I have to lose .7 every day.
MMMmMMMMMMmmmm...unlikely. But not completely impossible (partially impossible, then?).
Anyway, I hope. And I'll let you know in 34 days.
Day 7: A Long Week
I upped my meds to the maximum dose of the first cycle. Yesterday went some better (hunger and weakness) after that. Let's hope it keeps up 'cause my options are limited with how much hcg I can take.
Mark reminded me I don't *have* to do a long cycle. I *can* stop after a short if I want. Somehow that comforts me. I hope I can go the distance because more weight is more weight. But if this keeps up being so awful, a parachute makes me feel better somehow.
Things are very stressful right now with the post-surgery difficulties. It does make things harder with the diet too. I'm hoping and praying the weight loss will be worth it as far as my body's concerned. Hormonally this diet is rough on me, and I certainly don't need any assistance in hormonal difficulties.
Mark reminded me I don't *have* to do a long cycle. I *can* stop after a short if I want. Somehow that comforts me. I hope I can go the distance because more weight is more weight. But if this keeps up being so awful, a parachute makes me feel better somehow.
Things are very stressful right now with the post-surgery difficulties. It does make things harder with the diet too. I'm hoping and praying the weight loss will be worth it as far as my body's concerned. Hormonally this diet is rough on me, and I certainly don't need any assistance in hormonal difficulties.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Day 6: 1.4
I wish this rapid weight loss would continue! I'm .6 above the (top of) the zone now. Still grumpy I'd gained back some. If I hadn't, I've be in a whole new decade. Drat. Oh well, it's in the past so fretting about it helps not. Tomorrow I'll be back in the (old) zone. By the end of next week (I hope), I ought to be lower than I was before my surgery (that halcyon day) and loaded for bear.
Tonight is Anna's first sleep over. We had it planned two weeks ago. We had these awesome plans (Mark and I). Of course they involved a nice dinner, etc. Then she got sick. Now I'm put out that food can play no part in it and we have nowhere fun to go like before (we had an awesome deal at a hotel that due to sickness, didn't work out).
It'll be weird to have her away from home tonight. I hope Mommy does alright!
Tonight is Anna's first sleep over. We had it planned two weeks ago. We had these awesome plans (Mark and I). Of course they involved a nice dinner, etc. Then she got sick. Now I'm put out that food can play no part in it and we have nowhere fun to go like before (we had an awesome deal at a hotel that due to sickness, didn't work out).
It'll be weird to have her away from home tonight. I hope Mommy does alright!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I Have No Grown Up to Talk To
So I'll repeat myself ('cause I'm thinking of this). I hope my plan works. One long cycle now. One long cycle in Feb. Then, maybe...just maybe I'll be at my goal!
My goal may not be my final goal. It's about 65 more pounds from now. Theoretically, I could decide to do more. But maybe not.
I don't think it's my destiny to be thin. I had large..uhm...assets (?) when I was thin. I'm just curvy. And that's ok.
I sure hope I'm done then. Medical weight loss is HARD. Especially for me and my wonky metabolism.
In theory, the more weight I lose, the better my metabolism will function. Add the lower weight to an allegedly improved metabolism and perhaps some time and attention to my thyroid (unless it fixes itself along with the other business?), and maybe my body will decide it doesn't need to try and pack on fat like a sumo in a famine.
My goal may not be my final goal. It's about 65 more pounds from now. Theoretically, I could decide to do more. But maybe not.
I don't think it's my destiny to be thin. I had large..uhm...assets (?) when I was thin. I'm just curvy. And that's ok.
I sure hope I'm done then. Medical weight loss is HARD. Especially for me and my wonky metabolism.
In theory, the more weight I lose, the better my metabolism will function. Add the lower weight to an allegedly improved metabolism and perhaps some time and attention to my thyroid (unless it fixes itself along with the other business?), and maybe my body will decide it doesn't need to try and pack on fat like a sumo in a famine.
Yum
Last night I made "tacos." The taco shells are lettuce leaves. It actually works! The lettuce is a crunchy vehicle for the ground meat (however scant) and sauteed onion. Made me feel like I actually ate something.
Day 5: Weak and Hungry
Ugh. I'd hoped this wouldn't happen. I've been feeling weak as a dishrag and STARVING. So from my past experience, I gave myself an extra shot yesterday and increased the dose a little bit (what the doctor did in the past). I am losing weight, though.
Sorry my brain is frazzled, so I don't have the exact number, but it's 4.something this week so far. It will slow down, but right now, it sure helps treat the misery. It was 2# today.
I'm hoping the awful symptoms improve soon, though (duh). I'm feeling bad enough with back pain, post-surgical fatigue (add it to my ever-present fibromyalgia symptoms), and hand/arm pain (curse you, failed TOS surgery!)...
Poor Sandra, yes? :)
Sorry my brain is frazzled, so I don't have the exact number, but it's 4.something this week so far. It will slow down, but right now, it sure helps treat the misery. It was 2# today.
I'm hoping the awful symptoms improve soon, though (duh). I'm feeling bad enough with back pain, post-surgical fatigue (add it to my ever-present fibromyalgia symptoms), and hand/arm pain (curse you, failed TOS surgery!)...
Poor Sandra, yes? :)
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day 4: Sausage Smells Too Good
So I'm hiding in the bedroom. Ok, so this cycle, I've lost 2.6. Or shall I say, re-lost 2.6. I'm not counting the loading weight I gained and lost (what a week!). Mark says I need to get over it, but the fact is, I'll be pissy and resentful until I'm down below where I was for the five minutes before my surgery--which is 10# below now. I'm 6# above my LIW (Last Injection Weight). 4# above the LIW zone (the zone is 2# below to 2# above). So at least in a week I'll be back in the zone. But I guess that old math needs to be erased as this is a whole new cycle.
I also need to come up with a new cataloging system. Decade of X, Y, and Z won't work in the weeks to come. Hmmmm. Any ideas? Should have thought this out more.
Anyway, a coworker of Mark's has been on the hcg plan and has felt great--no hunger, headaches, inexplcable gains, or minefields. I'm happy for her, of course, but it makes me feel crabby about me. Again, why does my body have to do everything weird and wrong?
Six weeks minus one day 'til stabilization. No bacon; I've learned that the hard way. Sugar in the curing=no eating on stabilization. Feh. I did come up with something else, though. Safeway has natural pork with no additives at all. So I made my own breakfast meat patties, which are awesome, by the way. I started making little patties for Anna and me, cooking an egg and putting it on the top. Anna said it looked like a hat. So I co-opted the old jazz tune name, "Pork Pie Hat," and renamed my dish,"Pork Egg Hat."
I also need to come up with a new cataloging system. Decade of X, Y, and Z won't work in the weeks to come. Hmmmm. Any ideas? Should have thought this out more.
Anyway, a coworker of Mark's has been on the hcg plan and has felt great--no hunger, headaches, inexplcable gains, or minefields. I'm happy for her, of course, but it makes me feel crabby about me. Again, why does my body have to do everything weird and wrong?
Six weeks minus one day 'til stabilization. No bacon; I've learned that the hard way. Sugar in the curing=no eating on stabilization. Feh. I did come up with something else, though. Safeway has natural pork with no additives at all. So I made my own breakfast meat patties, which are awesome, by the way. I started making little patties for Anna and me, cooking an egg and putting it on the top. Anna said it looked like a hat. So I co-opted the old jazz tune name, "Pork Pie Hat," and renamed my dish,"Pork Egg Hat."
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Three Down, 42 to Go
Maybe I shouldn't have looked that up. Feels like for-ev-er!
So Anna goes to have a craft play date with our neighbor (which is a good thing; she's been wanting to go for six months!). They come over with a huge tray of autumny cupcakes.
That's just not fair! The smell is practically making me drool like Bessie.
So Anna goes to have a craft play date with our neighbor (which is a good thing; she's been wanting to go for six months!). They come over with a huge tray of autumny cupcakes.
That's just not fair! The smell is practically making me drool like Bessie.
Day 3: Some Improvement
I feel somewhat better today. The hcg headache is going away, and I'm not quite as ravenlously hungry. And the loading weight is gone (phew!). I'm now five pounds above the top of the zone. In a week, if all goes well, I'll be back in the zone (now the previous zone), and in two weeks I should be below my bottom weight (the day I dipped into decade of z) and hell bent for leather.
I have some small goals I'm working toward. Getting back to, then below where I was right before surgery. Then about 20 pounds below that is my next big goal. That's reasonable (Lord willin' and the scale don't rise)for this cycle.
Then I hope to maintain through Christmas and January. Then attack it again in Feb-April (long cycles take a long time!).
I'm truly hoping the more weight I lose, even though it's too d**ned hard to be fair, the easier it will be to maintain. Fat makes estrogen. Being a PCOS gal, my hormones are a kaleidoscope of horrors. One would think the less fat, the less impact it'd have on the crucial estrogen-progesterone balalance. Or whatever. :}
After I'm done with the hcg horror show, I can put more attention to my thyroid irregularities. If I'm no longer pumping out estrogen like an oil derrek, and my thyroid problem gets resolved, maybe I can maintain my weight like a normal person.
That's a big issue for me: wanting to be a normal person. I want to have a normal weight. I want to be able to eat carbohydrates. I want to be able to choose my family size. I want to be able to sit.
But I can't do any of it. I don't like feeling like a freak.
I have some small goals I'm working toward. Getting back to, then below where I was right before surgery. Then about 20 pounds below that is my next big goal. That's reasonable (Lord willin' and the scale don't rise)for this cycle.
Then I hope to maintain through Christmas and January. Then attack it again in Feb-April (long cycles take a long time!).
I'm truly hoping the more weight I lose, even though it's too d**ned hard to be fair, the easier it will be to maintain. Fat makes estrogen. Being a PCOS gal, my hormones are a kaleidoscope of horrors. One would think the less fat, the less impact it'd have on the crucial estrogen-progesterone balalance. Or whatever. :}
After I'm done with the hcg horror show, I can put more attention to my thyroid irregularities. If I'm no longer pumping out estrogen like an oil derrek, and my thyroid problem gets resolved, maybe I can maintain my weight like a normal person.
That's a big issue for me: wanting to be a normal person. I want to have a normal weight. I want to be able to eat carbohydrates. I want to be able to choose my family size. I want to be able to sit.
But I can't do any of it. I don't like feeling like a freak.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day 2, Part 2
I had lunch: apple, rubber Costco cod, and some asparagus. I'M STILL HUNGRY. I mean, really hungry. Then, Mark said (not remembering my reactions whenever he's said this in the past), "That looks awesome!"
This was after he had a ham and Havarti sandwich on french bread, chocolate cake, and the last of the Trader Joe's chocolates from a friend. I had to resist the urge to stab him with my fork.
I need to try and remember how long it took before for the hunger to wear off a bit. I don't want to increase my meds precipitously, both because I don't want to get immune to it faster, and also because it's pay by the bottle now.
One more gripe, since you're here: I have to potty all the time. It's quite annoying, let me tell you!
This was after he had a ham and Havarti sandwich on french bread, chocolate cake, and the last of the Trader Joe's chocolates from a friend. I had to resist the urge to stab him with my fork.
I need to try and remember how long it took before for the hunger to wear off a bit. I don't want to increase my meds precipitously, both because I don't want to get immune to it faster, and also because it's pay by the bottle now.
One more gripe, since you're here: I have to potty all the time. It's quite annoying, let me tell you!
Day 2: Do I Have to Get Out of Bed?
It's cold today!
Yesterday got somewhat better. Two pain pills, it took (sorry, Yoda moment). And a hot bath.
Half the loading weight is gone (I don't consider that a weight loss as I'd not have gained those pounds were it not for the loading day protocol--lame). All in all, an exceptionally uncomfortable day.
Today I have a physical therapy appt. and later I have to take Anna to dance. I wish I didn't have to do anything while I adjust to the hcg. Early on, it just makes me feel horrible--weak, starving, weirded out... I need to remember hcg IS a hormone, and I'm not hormonally stable anyway.
I wish there was another way. Sometimes I really hate this diet (and the feeling is mutual).
Yesterday got somewhat better. Two pain pills, it took (sorry, Yoda moment). And a hot bath.
Half the loading weight is gone (I don't consider that a weight loss as I'd not have gained those pounds were it not for the loading day protocol--lame). All in all, an exceptionally uncomfortable day.
Today I have a physical therapy appt. and later I have to take Anna to dance. I wish I didn't have to do anything while I adjust to the hcg. Early on, it just makes me feel horrible--weak, starving, weirded out... I need to remember hcg IS a hormone, and I'm not hormonally stable anyway.
I wish there was another way. Sometimes I really hate this diet (and the feeling is mutual).
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Day 1: OMG, I Feel Awful
Were it not for me now being in charge of Anna (Mark just left for work), I might possibly be curled up in a fetal position, whimpering. The two questions running around in my head: Why did I think this was a good idea? Would it be ok to quit?
I have a blinding headache, my overall body pain has gone bananas, and I'm very hungry. Misery, thy name is Sandra.
I keep worrying this is bad for my surgical recovery. But, it has been eight weeks so maybe it's not that important? Maybe I'll adapt and feel better soon?
I'm also quite upset about my weight. It's high. It's way high. Loading days suck at the end of them. And the worst is how much higher I am, today, than I was after the two steak days right before my surgery: 17 pounds higher.
Crikey. How did this happen? I know my after steak day weight didn't last. I mean, the next day it was up two pounds (clearly, water weight was all that happened after the second steak day). But it was a thing of beauty for that day! And, I also know the four pounds I gained on the two days of loading (!) aren't real. I'm sure it's mostly water. But add that all together and it just fills me with despair.
Despair coupled with feeling so darned AWFUL physically and I just wonder why I'm doing this? And why does my body fight me all the time? I've been so disciplined! It just feels unfair and yes I'm feeling sorry for myself and wish I had a mommy (or a sister would do)to make me feel better and tell me there's hope.
I have a blinding headache, my overall body pain has gone bananas, and I'm very hungry. Misery, thy name is Sandra.
I keep worrying this is bad for my surgical recovery. But, it has been eight weeks so maybe it's not that important? Maybe I'll adapt and feel better soon?
I'm also quite upset about my weight. It's high. It's way high. Loading days suck at the end of them. And the worst is how much higher I am, today, than I was after the two steak days right before my surgery: 17 pounds higher.
Crikey. How did this happen? I know my after steak day weight didn't last. I mean, the next day it was up two pounds (clearly, water weight was all that happened after the second steak day). But it was a thing of beauty for that day! And, I also know the four pounds I gained on the two days of loading (!) aren't real. I'm sure it's mostly water. But add that all together and it just fills me with despair.
Despair coupled with feeling so darned AWFUL physically and I just wonder why I'm doing this? And why does my body fight me all the time? I've been so disciplined! It just feels unfair and yes I'm feeling sorry for myself and wish I had a mommy (or a sister would do)to make me feel better and tell me there's hope.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
First Shot Fired Across the Bow
For the first time, it did not hurt. Not a pinch, not a burn. I take this as a very good omen. I loves me some Loading Days. I am enjoying eating like a horse and no mistake.
I still feel rather pissy I have to lose weight I've lost recently. It seems the summer session was a waste. It didn't go right (despite me following all the rules to the letter) and now I've gained most back. Grrr.
I know it's silly to dwell on what cannot be altered and just to move ahead, but still...I fret and worry. What if this doesn't work (long term)?
Oh well, as of Tuesday I'm back in the saddle. Today I went to church for the first time since my surgery. I knew it was a good time to go because it'd be short (no waiting for Anna SS). My back burned. But it was good to be there. It was not good to be in the lawnchair again. I'd hoped those days were behind me. Maybe they'll never be behind me.
It does feel kind of good to be getting back on the weight loss thing and going back to church. It feels like my life is starting forward again. I even shaved my legs today (first time since surgery!). It hurt! But, despite my fair skin and hair, I was starting to look like a satyr.
I still feel rather pissy I have to lose weight I've lost recently. It seems the summer session was a waste. It didn't go right (despite me following all the rules to the letter) and now I've gained most back. Grrr.
I know it's silly to dwell on what cannot be altered and just to move ahead, but still...I fret and worry. What if this doesn't work (long term)?
Oh well, as of Tuesday I'm back in the saddle. Today I went to church for the first time since my surgery. I knew it was a good time to go because it'd be short (no waiting for Anna SS). My back burned. But it was good to be there. It was not good to be in the lawnchair again. I'd hoped those days were behind me. Maybe they'll never be behind me.
It does feel kind of good to be getting back on the weight loss thing and going back to church. It feels like my life is starting forward again. I even shaved my legs today (first time since surgery!). It hurt! But, despite my fair skin and hair, I was starting to look like a satyr.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
First Shot Fired Tomorrow
Woo hoo! A little nervous. Weight down a few pounds, still 5# over the zone. It makes me mad to have to re-lose weight, given it's so d***ned difficult, but at least it will go away (albeit go away again). In a couple of weeks I'll be back to Decade of Z--and beyond!
No matter what (ok, Lord willin' and the scale don't rise), by Thanksgiving I'll be in the decade beyond Z, into territory I've not seen since 1990. I'll take it!
Then one more winter cycle, and I may be done. Or able to see done from there. I hope this next cycle fixes again what went wonky with the last cycle and surgery and its aftermath. This has sucked on toast with a side of nasty.
Tomorrow and Monday--LOADING DAYS! If only life could be one long loading day. Guess that's what heaven is for.
No matter what (ok, Lord willin' and the scale don't rise), by Thanksgiving I'll be in the decade beyond Z, into territory I've not seen since 1990. I'll take it!
Then one more winter cycle, and I may be done. Or able to see done from there. I hope this next cycle fixes again what went wonky with the last cycle and surgery and its aftermath. This has sucked on toast with a side of nasty.
Tomorrow and Monday--LOADING DAYS! If only life could be one long loading day. Guess that's what heaven is for.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Not Again
Got on the scale today. My wail drew the immediate attention of Mark and Anna who came thundering down the hall.
I'm now 10# over my LIW. 5# higher than just one week ago.
Not again, not again, not again...
I'm now 10# over my LIW. 5# higher than just one week ago.
Not again, not again, not again...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
One week countdown
'Til the next round. It sucks that the first couple of weeks will be spent re-losing the weight I gained since the surgery (and will gain during the loading days).
Bummer. But at least it'll be going down again. This going up business is disconcerting. It makes me think the two rounds I've done have not, in fact, "fixed" my metabolism. Because still eating less than the average bear, I'm gaining now on a slow but steady rate.
Maybe the surgery and meds? I hope? (That means it's correctable, right?)
Bummer. But at least it'll be going down again. This going up business is disconcerting. It makes me think the two rounds I've done have not, in fact, "fixed" my metabolism. Because still eating less than the average bear, I'm gaining now on a slow but steady rate.
Maybe the surgery and meds? I hope? (That means it's correctable, right?)
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