Onward and Upward!

Gotta say, things are going pretty well in the health realm.  I have lost 12 pounds, my blood sugar is better, and my blood pressure is better.  Still fat, of course, but less so, yeah? 


It's not rocket science.  My husband and I just restrict simple carbs, eat more produce, keep an eye on calories, and try and restrict sugar to Friday nights (except for special occasions, like holiday weekends--and even then, try to not go nuts).


Overall, I feel better. 

Going well

I'm down about 10#.  Of course, most of it is water.  And, it's all weight I gained since the beginning of the year.  But I'm not complaining!  At least it's going in the right direction.  :)


The plan is to maintain (after Tuesday, our end date for the calorie counting) and do it again after Easter.  Maintaining is the hard part for me. 

Tonight we're going to a thing.  Things are hard to manage with dieting.  Ick.  But, this is not my first rodeo.  After HCG, this is a snap.

What we're doing

Basically, 1800 calories a day and no sugar.  Except one meal a week, which we have chosen to be Friday nights.  We're doing this for two weeks, then increasing calories a bit (my husband, mostly, as he burns way more than I do) and still keeping sugar to once a week.  Except when we don't.


The idea is overall health improvement. 


Today is the one week mark, and I *have* lost weight!  Sure it's mostly water, but I'll take it.  And my blood sugar is hugely improved.


Yay for progress!

I'm back

Well then! I can't believe it's been well over a year since I blogged.  It took some doing to convince the blog I'm me.  But, I am!  I really am.

I started this blog several years ago when I began the hcg diet, which I did 9 or 10 times.  I lost a ton of weight.  And, I gained it back.  I followed the diet religiously.  I followed the stabilization religiously.  I did everything I was supposed to do.  And I gained it back.  Not all of it.  But close enough.

No doctor or other health care professional has been able to figure out what's wrong with me.  I haven't, either.  And it's darned frustrating.  I'm the only heavy person on either side of my family tree that I've ever met. 

I'm the fat sheep of the family.  I like to take the pictures because I don't to be IN them.  But, I have tried.  Oh, have I tried to *not* be fat.  And, I'm sort of trying again.  Not really but sort of.

Now that I'm er, not young, other problems have cropped up in relation to my weight: blood sugar and blood pressure.  So, I'm cleaning up my dietary act again in an effort to improve those things.  I've eaten healthily for many years, and like I said, never was able to achieve thinness. Or even close to it.  So, I'd get tired of living on a diet for no tangible results.  So I'd drift from occasionally having sugar/simple carbs ("scarbs") to having them a lot.  And now other things have drifted, too.  See above note about blood sugar and pressure.

So, the idea this time is to try and keep my expectations low about my weight (no pun intended) and hope that eating better and less will help the other medical problems.  The years I ate better, I didn't have the other problems (sugar and pressure).  I still had health problems, but not those.

My husband is eating better, too.  And that's another thing.  My husband is a beautiful, buff, hottie.  I, on the other hand, am a somewhat disabled Oompa Loompa.  I didn't used to be.  When my husband and I met, I was way more to his end on the hottie scale.  Or close enough. 

But, life threw a curve ball at me, and I got beaned.  My health turned on me at a young age.  I developed a series of health issues that I won't get into now (who's got that kind of time?), but the worst of it would be weight issues (seemingly unsolvable) and spinal problems.

Fast forward many years and you get this: beautiful, healthy sporty husband, beautiful, healthy sporty teen daughter, and me: fat, not healthy, not sporty me.  So, when he and my daughter improve their diets, something actually happens!  Not that they really need to, at least aesthetically speaking.

I donno.  I'm rambling.  Anyway, this week my husband and I started cutting calories and planning to have scarbs one night a week.  That night's tonight, and boy, did that food taste good!  I'm feeling sad that it'll be another week, though. 

He wants to lose a few pounds because despite his career (he's a PE teacher) and hobby (he works out at the gym several times a week), he's got a spare tire. Like, a wagon tire, or maybe a trike.  But even so, it bothers him.  Me, on the other hand, well, let's just say I could stock Les Schwab.

So, once more unto the breach, dear friends.  I know I sound like a pessimist, but I'm not, really.  "I always hope for the best.  Experience, however, has taught me to expect the worst."  -Garak

Long time, no blog

I see it's been since March since I posted anything.  That's just sad.  I used to post all the time, mostly when I was on a cycle of the hcg diet.


Well, that's, I'm afraid, been a failure.  Nine cycles.  Months of misery and bone crushing hard work.  I don't even know how much money, and I don't want to add it up.


But yeah, it's a failure.  I haven't gained *all* the weight back, but most of it.  And it sucks rocks.


So, I'm fat.  I am.  Doctors don't know what to do about it.  I don't know what to do about it.  One great doctor told me to just accept it and instead of torturing my body and soul to lose weight, only to gain it back, just eat healthy and try to stabilize.  It sounds good, it really does.

But I don't want to be fat.

Thoughts?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Addendum

Keeping in the theme of, “My life sucks rocks right now,” I thought of the other thing that happened over the winter that hit me hard.  Well, it happened in autumn, but I only heard about it recently.  One of my best high school friends passed away.  She was my age, and visibly a lot more healthy than I am.

 

If you know me at all, you’ll know I tend to take things to heart.  Sure, I’m much more centered and functionally mature than I was in my teen years, but I still do.  Anyway, after high school, all my friends scattered to the four winds: this was not my idea.  I’m good at keeping in touch.  Many, if not most people, aren’t.

 

There wasn’t Facebook or email then, so it was harder.  That being said, a few friends broke my heart by their absence after we all went to different colleges and onto different lives.  One of them I never heard from again, one of them, I hooked up with a few years back and she has since disappeared from my life again (Apparently, this is our pattern and I should expect another heartbreak from her in about 30 years), and one of them…died.

 

What’s weird about it is, I never did look her up on FB, still a little bit of hurt and resentment that hung on.  Then, recently, her name flittered across my brain and I realized I wasn’t hurt or angry with her anymore.  I outgrew it, maybe.  And I thought that I’d look her up and send a friend request.  That I was over the disappointment, and would sure like to know her as an adult, as she was a unique person—full of humor, and life, and joy, and that even having her in my life peripherally would be cool.

 

And, to my shock and horror I read she had died a few months ago.  She was a teacher of young children, and had a massive stroke at school.  She was on life support for awhile, when her parents and husband were forced to admit that it was over, and cruel to forcibly keep her tethered to life, and let her go.

 

Now I have to let her go, too.  And make peace with the realization that I could have shared in her life again if I had of been more forgiving of the pain she caused me a couple of decades ago.  My loss.  And there’s been too much loss for me lately.

Today, I’m home sick with a migraine, while my husband and daughter are having a fun afternoon at the park, then having an early dinner at Grandpa’s house.  Don’t worry—I told them it was cool to go—the quiet will help my brain calm down the rest of the way so I can hopefully resume normal Spring Break family activities tomorrow, but I still feel frustrated this happened.

 

They took our dogs (who have been beyond bored all day) and I was thinking about how great it would be to cuddle up on the couch with my cat.  Three weeks ago today she disappeared without a trace.  And I miss her so much.

 

 

My Winter Sucks Rocks

My winter has sucked.  Yes, it has.  I believe the slide started when my beloved neighbor moved into town.  Her husband passed away awhile back, and not being a driver, it made sense for her to move.  The public bus does not come out here, and the Dial-a-Ride will only come once per week.  That, and her being an extrovert, it just made sense.

That being said, I have missed her.  She's a wonderful person: well-read, creative, and generous.  And, she'd look after our pets when we were away.  We'd do the same for her.  It was a lovely arrangement.

Even though we have a very busy household, just knowing she was across the street made me smile.  In the evenings, the glowing lights of her home were a cheer, a comfort.

 

And then she left.

 

That was just the beginning.  Right before Christmas, the new tenants moved in.  And it was not good.  My first inkling of concern occurred the night they arrived; yes, the night.  Well after dark a fleet of loud pick-up trucks arrived, sounding more like the storming of Normandy.  Sadly, all these vehicles contained the belongings, and beer, of two young men.  And thus began my torture.

 

Our neighborhood is quiet.  Ok, our neighborhood used to be quiet.  With their beer and trucks, the lads brought noise.  And inconsideration.  And stress.  This was amplified on January 2nd, when at the end of a very loud, drunken party, they turned out a buddy onto the road, to wend his way home, hopefully not to plow into a family of four on their way home from the movies.

 

Instead, this friend found his way into our ditch, and stuck there.  We were still up a bit later than usual on January 2nd (and I'll tell you why in a minute), when we heard an unholy cacophony coming from the front of our house.  My husband went out to check, and the source of the noise was a truck struggling to get out, the drunken remonstrations of the driver, and one of our neighbors.

 

My husband, a veteran of working in the public and now a full time school teacher, is a professional at handing difficult situations.  He went out to help, kindly offering whatever service he could.  After a few minutes, it became clear of the nature of the problem: alcohol.

 

Even so, my husband offered to help and was rebuffed, with extreme prejudice.  After a little while, I came out, in my robe and slippers to see what was going on.  A quick assessment of the situation and I was a red in the face as my nightgown.  The only consolation was the neighbors' yellow Lab, who kept coming over to me.

 

I was taken aback by the pure belligerence of my neighbor.  No apologies.  No consolation.  Just angry words and veiled threats and how, as he works for an excavator, he ought to come over and fill up our offending ditch with rocks.  At my objection, things just seemed to get worse.  I realized I was not going to help the situation, and came back inside.

 

I got out the number, thinking of calling the landlord, having recently gotten the number from my friend, in case I needed to call, already having a list of concerns due to noise and general suspiciousness of their behavior.

 

My husband came in and told me the guy in the ditch had turned to threatening him.  When the guy was getting increasingly upset--when it was discovered the CRUNCH noise wasn't his truck, but the truck stuck on our telephone box, my husband told him not to worry about it, that his insurance would cover it.  At that point, the guy got hysterical, saying he didn't HAVE insurance, that he just got out of alcohol rehab (FAIL!).  He then turned to threatening my husband, who decided it was a good idea to come inside.

We called the landlord.  We called the cops.  We were pretty freaked out.  The cops were to call back, and didn't.  Eventually, unable to sleep, we called the cops again, who returned the call.  They said the guy was pending arrest (being asleep on the side of the road near our house), and that he had an outstanding warrant and was well known to them.  He assured us it was safe to go to sleep, as the guy wasn't going anywhere else but jail.

 

Around 1, we finally relaxed enough to try sleep, when we heard what can only be described as cavorting.  We opened our front door, and heard clearly the drunken squeals of the neighbor's girlfriend.  For whatever reason, they were capering around their front yard, evidently unconcerned about what had happened.

 

It was a bad, bad night, following what had been a bad, bad day.

 

You see, one of my best friends in the world, a woman who had become a fill-in mother to me after losing mine five years ago, died that day: January 2nd.

 

My winter did not improve.  The neighbors have been hellish.  For months--which feel like years--they have driven us, and other neighbors, to distraction.  The landlord, partly wanting not to be bothered, and partly hoping it would just go away, made promises to us, and counseled the young men many times.  The worst one has been the drunk guy; the other guy works a lot and seems to keep to himself, more or less.

 

But the noise continued, and the bad blood boiled.  Eventually, a month ago, the noise was so loud it could be heard inside our house with the doors closed (a common occurrence under their regime of neighborhood terrorism), we called the landlord at 10:00 at night, holding the phone in front of us.  So, from at least 100 feet away, with us standing in our house, he got the message, and started eviction proceedings. 

 

Well, they're still here, but it's promised they'll be out by the 31st.  Not too excited yet, as they were originally to be out by the 10th.  We live in hopes.

 

So, yeah.  My friend/mom died.  And my neighborhood has been a place of stress, instead of a place of rest.  We're homeschoolers and are home a lot.  I have health issues, and stress is not my friend.  It's just been bad.

 

Other things have been happening, too.  The pounds I have tortured off with HCG diet cycles have come back.  A lot of them have come back.  I've gained a whole bunch over the winter; that has not cheered me, nor has it helped my back, which has become worse.

 

My husband has coached girls' basketball over the winter, so he's been gone a lot more, too.  Other frustrations have abounded, such as getting the flu when we had plans with a dear friend.  Then another time, we had plans, and their car broke, making it so they couldn't come.  No cheer there.

 

It's just been a long, depressing season.  I've been grieving the loss of my friend, I've been tormented by bad neighbors, my health has devolved, and I've been lonely.  I've felt rather neglected over the winter in this bad season.  While I can paddle my own canoe, and do, there hasn't been a lot of support available to me.  People get involved in their own lives, you know, so I haven't been at the top of anybody's concern list.  That's life, yeah? 

 

But then...the cat we've had for 14 years, our beloved Mia, disappeared.  It's been two weeks today.

 

While hope can be cruel, it seems likely she's gone forever.  My little kitty.  My sweet comfort we got when I was pregnant with our daughter.  Through thick and thin, through my husband going back to college and changing his career, through pregnancy, birth, nine horrid surgeries, two miscarriages, the death of my mother, countless sunrises and sunsets, immeasurable victories and defeats, my cat has been with me.  And now she's gone, disappeared as in a puff of smoke.

 

Like I said.  My winter has sucked.

 

 

 

 

Long time, no post

Maybe six months?  Hard to say.  Life has just been crazy.  My husband got his first full time teaching job, so our family has been in a transitional state.

And, so has my weight.  But not in a good way.  I'm sorry to say, for the 206th time, I've gained quite a bit back.  And it sucks rocks.


I need a plan.  Ok, I've made plans.  I need to implement my plans.  I get them set, they sound good, and then something significant, or not so significant, happens and I don't get off the starting line.


What shall we do?  What do you think?

On hiatus

I guess that's apparent, as I haven't posted anything in a dog's age.

I will.  Be patient.  :)

You have siblings?

I hear that from time to time, when for some reason, or no reason, I mention them to somebody I don't know well.  Or even people I currently know well.  It's not surprising they don't know; I forget sometimes, too.


It's on my mind right now because the five year anniversary of my mother's death happened last week when I was at the Gulf of Mexico.  Five years ago our mom died, and they killed what struggling fragments were left of our respective relationships.  Not my choice.  I don't know what they have against me.  I guess that I was born.


Call them half-siblings if you must, if you want to be technical.  But how can one have half a sibling?  Seems a little silly to me.  Either you have a sister (or brother), or you don't.  I do.  Or, I did.


I don't know why they essentially stepped over our mom's dead body (who was still in the room, waiting to be picked up) to kill our relationship.  I'll never understand it.


Maybe by blood they're half sisters.  But it hurt 100% percent. 

End of Phase 3

And so, I quietly graduated to the end of formal food restrictions for this round of HCG.  I'm say this cycle has ended with more a whimper than a roar of triumph.  I'm four pounds above my LIW, though I didn't cheat a bite.  I have not yet tried any scarb (simple carb), but I will, when the time is right.


I suppose the key here is maintenance.  With people like me, or at least people with erratic, confused metabolisms, it's very difficult to keep a steady weight.  That is the goal now.

Woot!

This past week has been discouraging, disappointing, and frustrating, so I could use something encouraging--and I got it!  The mysterious "above the zone" weight is gone!  Well, almost.  Within a couple of ounces.  So, no steak day today (phew; I hate those)!


Feeling happy! 

Stabilization Day 6: Bummer

Well! I decided to weigh, figuring as I've followed the program to the letter, we'd have no problems. I was wrong. I'm a few pounds over where I should be. Man, what a bone crushing dissappointment. :( My hands are swollen, so hopefully it's that. But still...not good.

I have no opportunity to do a corrective day until Monday, so let us hope and pray this resolves on its own.

Sigh. In the words of Po the Panda: "Why are things hard?!"

Still stabilizing...

...but improving. I felt pretty bad Sunday morning, but have been steadily improving. This has been the roughest one for me yet. Lame. I suppose it's good to wait until next January.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how many people cheat on the HCG diet. WHY? It's SO HARD! Why blow it and waste the time and money, plus mess with your body?

I don't get it.

Haven't weighed yet. Better do it.

Stabilization is interesting

I keep being reminded that my body needs a little time to recover from the near-starvation and rapid weight loss. I find it out by suddenly breaking out in sweat or the room spinning when I'm doing things overlong. Thankfully, all it takes is a few mintues, a beverage, and a small snack and I'm back at it, if a wee bit slower.

I'm loving food, but not all the dishes it makes to cook everything by scratch. Pretty much anything you buy, including things like mayo and salad dressing has sugar in it. So, I make everything. I must say, despite the pain in the neck factor, homemade mayo and salad dressing is really good.

I haven't weighed yet. I will. Like, Monday.

Onward!

I did it!

I lasted the final hcg diet day. The additional protein and fruit (however meager) helped get the job done. This morning most of the weird water weight was gone. It was sheer bliss slathering lotion on my poor dry skin and putting cream in my tea. Making and eating a proper breakfast...words fail.

Let the recovery begin!

21#. Works for me.

Crawling towards home plate

Just when I think I own this diet, that I know what to expect and what to do about it, something new happens.

Yesterday was weird. My last medication injection was Tuesday. So yesterday, I forgot myself and climbed four flights of stairs. I had a chiropractor appt. scheduled later anyway, so I went up to pick up my daughter at her writing group instead of texting her when I get there to pick her up. Near the top, I thought I might just die. I had no energy at all. Duh.

A short while later, I was at an appt. with my daughter at the doctor (routine), and suddenly, my rubber legs quit being my main problem. I got dizzy and weak and had to lay down. How dignified is that? I felt marginally better after a little rest, fruit portion, and water. But, I felt bad the rest of the evening. Weird night's sleep.

This morning I woke up, didn't feel quite right. Got on the scale, up nearly 2#. What was a "WTF" moment, for sure! And no, I hadn't cheated a whit. So, panic time. Then I remembered reading something about this in the diet manual.

I looked it up and what's happening is my body is finished with the hcg (little or no more left in my system), and my body is freaking out. I tried on my ring, and it wouldn't fit. So my body is retaining water, engaging in protein deprivation. Not good! So the book said to have a little extra (diet) food. So, I got to have an apple and 3 ounces or protein for breakfast! I still feel yucky, but a little better. I do have odd aches and pains, and feel a bit woozy.

All I can say is the darned weight better be gone tomorrow before I start stabilization! Sigh. Surely, there's a better way to lose weight.

So excited

This afternoon I get to buy food that I get to eat on Friday! Meat, berries, cream. Woot! EGGS! Cheese!

It's all good. :)

And so it was...

...that yesterday was my last injection! Huh? I know, wait for it. Today was scheduled to be my last one (a few beyond the standard short cycle, 'cause I had a little left in my bottle). But, I lost nada from yesterday. Not an ounce. My body's done with this cycle. I get that. I respect that. So, I did the quick calculation and realized yesterday could be--and was--my last shot! What does that mean?

It means I didn't reach my goal (which frankly, wasn't that realistic). I missed it by 1.8#. But I did get below X! I am .8 below X. :D And it also means I get to eat on FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, the final tally: I lost 21#. I lost 29" (hello, waist, where were you?).

I realized I can't do the diet again in Sept. as I planned. I'm a bit irked, as the next cycle (should I hold the line this time)is significant. That next batch of weight takes me from fat to chubby. But, it is what it is. I can't do it during the holidays (I'm not stupid), so January it is! Oh, yeah I told you this. I also teased you about my new goals.

They are: MAINTAIN! To maintain, I need to not eat scarb (simple carb) often at all. Only a couple of times per week (sigh). My problem is, when I eat them, I eat like I was just released from prison, or like I'll never get to eat them again. And the last cycle, I got so I didn't just hold it to a couple of times per week. So, that's my goal: get used to eating the way I need to eat to maintain my weight loss. If I get that handled, the next time will go, and stay, better.

I also plan to try and find more exercise that doesn't hurt me (I have a very, very bad back and chronic fatigue). Exercise tends to hurt me and make it so I can't do what I NEED to do. So beyond a daily routine of stretching and light strengthening, I don't do it, really. I want to.

I also want to learn to grill this summer and finish a few non-fiction books. There. You. Are.

Cheers!

Rounding third...

...and heading for home. Food on Saturday! I'm to the point now where I'm feeling pretty yucky. Ok, I've been feeling yucky the whole time, but at the end of a cycle is a different kind of yucky.

I'm sure ready to eat now! Four more days...I can do it! Tomorrow is the last official weigh in; I'll be taking and comparing measurements, too. The last shot. Hooray! I'm good at it now, but still, feh! The last three days suck because the medication is leaving your system and whatever weight you lose those few days doesn't count and doesn't stay.

The day I get to eat is always like a minor holiday around here. Too bad no sugar or starch, but I'll try not to be greedy. Not starving and being able to eat more, and a much wider variety is awesome!! Cream in my tea and lotion on my hands--bliss!

21#

Two more shots, including today. So, tomorrow is my big LIW day! Woot! I won't make it to the (some may say arbitrary) number I'd hoped. But, I'm close. And, I'm in the Decade Below X. It'll be rough to hold it. But I will try.