The year winding down

If you want a cheery post, abort the mission now! You have been warned.

My family's still asleep, for the moment. I'm in the living room looking at the Christmas decorations and listening to peaceful music. But all in all, I'm not feeling it this Christmas. At best, most of the time, I'm phoning it in.

This year hasn't ended up all that well. I'm not the only one, and many in my life have it worse. I know someone whose wife died at 56. Another one lost their parent (I know that pain all too well). A great guy I knew lost his life at the age of 42 to cancer. Another friend is fighting for her life--cancer. Yet another's husband bailed.

As for me, the year, while it's had many great times, is ending on a blue note. Most notably, my dog Maggie's death on Dec. 4. I picked up her ashes yesterday and cried at the vet's office. Very dignified, yes? I think about her so much. I miss her terribly.

Other stuff isn't so great, either. We're still in limbo with Mark's job(s). He seems to be trapped in part-timer purgatory in the teaching profession, while being stuck at the grocery store nights to pay our bills. It's frustrating. My last back surgery didn't work. Seems likely nothing will work on it, ever. I don't have that many people I consider friends, or shall I say FRIENDS. I have lots of friendly acquaintances, and that's cool. But I have a very tough time trusting people, so it's a rare thing when I really consider someone a friend. This year, one moved across the country and another one just drifted away and away and away, and I couldn't stop it. I tried. But you can't force someone to love you. Speaking of lack of love, I also find my thoughts drifting to my own bio family of origin. Feh. My weight is a constant struggle and challenge. My success is hard won, but limited. It just feels like life's largely a sad thing, at least at times. At least at this time.

I'm quite sure I'm not the only one with the holiday blues. I'm not even stoked for this year to end because I have no real hopes of anything being different in 2014. Oh, I know (don't lecture me), I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am. Most of the time. It's just this year Christmas feels way more blue than green.