One year

A year ago I was in Arizona, just after my 5th spinal surgery. And it went as well as usual! I was flat on my back for awhile, gushing spinal fluid, horribly sick from the medication they gave me (Zofran is evil; just saying), numb on the left side waist to foot. The trip home on the 4th was...well, I'm sure you can do the math there. After getting home, I had to use a cane for awhile, and only got sicker. After a few days, I figured out I had a migraine, it hit bottom, and I started improving--at least the "sick" part!

But, that was then, this is now. And I'm so glad it's a year later. I do wish I could say, "Hey! The surgery worked! I'm awesome now!" But, at least for now, that's not the case. Despite all the surgeries, physical therapy, weight loss, exercise, and pretty much everything under the sun save sacrificing baby goats to the Spine God, I'm about the same. I can't sit. I can't walk all that far, or stand all that long. My foot is still tingly, though I don't need a cane. It makes life complicated if one wants to actually DO anything or GO anywhere.

The thing is, I do want to do and go. And I do. It's just hard. It's very, very hard. I do the best I can, and in the balance, it's pretty darn good. I just wish it didn't hurt so much, or was so inconvenient. And I'd so love to go have dinner in a restaurant, or go to a proper movie (though our small town having a drive in movie is a blessing straight from God). Or sit in the audience to watch my daughter dance (not stand in the back, leaning against the wall, in pain). I want to drive more than 10 minutes. I'd love to take my daughter to Seattle or the mall, or help my dad around his house. But I can't.

But I do have a life and all I can do is all I can do (Sorry, I'm a bit cliche heavy this morning!). I keep fighting my weight (which, at the moment, is "meh"); I exercise and stretch daily. I ration my energy and pain. I prioritize like a madman and try to make it to the most important things. But it is difficult.

It's difficult for the obvious reasons, but it's also difficult for me interpersonally. I don't fit in with my contemporaries. Most people in their 40s are vigorous. I tend to take things hard. It hurts me awfully to get blown off, or more aptly, blown by as people zoom by me on the superhighway of life. I'd like to be more important than their busy-ness. I'd like to be worked in to the busy-ness! I'm a normal person, with an abnormal life. I can't do what they do. My life is not as wide as theirs is, but it's deep. And their slights cut me deeply. I go the extra mile for my friends. I take time and energy (emotional and physical) to be a good friend. And for some, that doesn't matter and they leave me behind. And it's hard to accept. So, I plod along--me and my spine--and wonder if they see me in the rearview mirror. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.