Yesterday I decided to go with my family to run errands in the afternoon. Originally, I planned to bow out, figuring I'd be starving and in pain. But, I decided to go for it. It went fine for awhile, but I was, indeed, starving and in pain. The longer the trip went, the worse I felt. By the time we were home and on the couch, I felt like I'd fallen down the stairs (And I do have first hand knowledge of how that feels, by the way.). I couldn't stay awake, and I felt so hungry, I was sure my stomach was trying to eat itself.
Today, very hungry, and the tendinitis I have in my elbow hurts; it hurts a lot. How long does this last? I've never had it in my elbow before. In the words of 20th century prophet Tommy Boy, "Could have done without that."
Due to my hand hurting, this will be brief. I do take comfort in it being a short cycle. Today I caught myself planning again. I was thinking, if the short sessions are more compatible with my body, I could do them twice a year, and so forth. Then I remembered, I did this already. I did my best, and I still gained a lot back. When will I learn I can't control the outcome, only my actions? Makes me mad, though.
And I've decided, even if they never find out what's wrong with me, and I end up permanently fat, I still need to do the very best I can. I need to know I went down fighting (how terribly noble of me!). But, I still haven't given up hope yet. I'll keep trying. I'll keep looking. But for now, I just wish I could keep eating.
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