Day 11: Pergatory

At least, that's what it's feeling like. A mere .6. I know that doesn't sound bad in and of itself, but my weight loss is a mere 7# in almost two weeks. And that includes the impressive weight loss at the beginning. I don't get it, and I only have 10 days left. At this point, it doesn't even look like I'll make the 15 "promised" pounds. Which I likewise don't get because I have so much to lose. Should it not be faster?

My energy is bad. Yesterday started fine. Did school, ran an errand, got the house up to date, and went to a friend's house. All good. Upon getting to dance class, though, things started taking a rapid nose dive. By the time class was over, I was in a lot of pain, and dragging. Then I had to walk with Anna about 55 miles to the dance shop to pick up new tights, stop by QFC (awesome sale on organic fruit this week, FYI), and run by the Farmer's Market to pick up our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) box.

Got home right before 7 and I thought I was gonna die. Barely got myself fed* and literally laid down the entire evening. I kept thinking the pain and fatigue would ebb, but they didn't. And then...AND THEN I COULDN'T SLEEP!

And this morning is not much better. I feel a whole body weakness and sagging of spirit. Feeling a dread like grim death for the next several days of activity. Anna's dance weekend, Anna's debut of her Children's Church program (which she needs a parent's help, at least at first), etc. I fear the starving/wan weakness while being at the Fort for six hours per day. Can't just get through by feeding myself constantly. I wonder if the anniversary of my mother's death (this Saturday) is psychically treating me like a paddle ball.

Not understanding how this cycle is so much different (so it feels) from the last. All my tricks of the trade have been found wanting. I find myself wondering if thin and healthy will never happen for me. Maybe it's not my path.

*I confess. I bought Anna a take out dinner. She wouldn't have been happier if I had of taken her to Europe. It's been months since she's had take out. The smell was killing me as it wafted from the back seat.