Woodstoves, Split Pea, and Fear (O My)

Watching the woodstoveman fix and clean our woodstove. Let there be heat! Today I made split pea soup for Anna and Mark; it’s in the crock-pot now. It smells so good. I’ve been sans shot for several days now (starting up again tomorrow). I definitely feel it, and not in a good way.

I feel fatigued almost beyond measure, as if my legs are made of rubber. I’m a little spacey, and kinda of depressed. I’m trying to take it for what it’s worth: a physiological phenomenon that will improve soon. But it’s tough.

Especially worrying about Anna. Her blood test did not go well. It took the doctor THREE sticks to get it. The third time I felt a whoosh of nausea and dizziness. I put on a brave face for her, but as soon as she and Mark bolted to the car to start on her apple and water, I had to take a moment to steady myself. I prayed that she does indeed have anemia, and not leukemia (or something likewise horrible), that this wasn’t the first of ten thousand sticks.

Then we went to the bank where I cashed the tax refund from my mom’s estate: a whopping $318, divided by 3. So I got my $106. A gift from my mom. I think I’m going to put it aside to buy gardening stuff later in the spring. She loved my garden, always watered the plants, etc. I learned how to make hanging baskets from her. We always had them at our house.

I miss her now a lot. I know she’d have been there the past couple of weeks of fear over Anna—the fear that sometimes feels like a cold, metallic hand around my heart. The fear that sits with me when Mark’s at work at night as I watch her sleep, praying for her to be fine, and not to die. My dad doesn’t care. My sisters don’t care. So sometimes I feel like an orphan. My mom would have been so proud and encouraging about my diet. And she’d have held my hand through the uncertainty over Anna’s health.

I just feel lost. I don’t even have food to hold me up right now! I know an ice cream sundae would not fix everything—or anything—but those 10 minutes of comfort would sure feel nice right about now.