Finally! It was probably a month since the last one--maybe more. With the travel and surgery, and after surgery, and then it's just been hard. But, yesterday it finally happened. I did feel a bit of the "carb crash," especially in the evening. But I made it. That's always what it takes for me, getting that first day in, then it gets easier to control the amount of scarbs (simple carbs) I ingest.
I've still not gotten on the scale. All my clothes fit, but some are more snug than I'd like. And weight gain shows in my face immediately (stupid Scandinavian round face!). I figure I'm discouraged enough without a full frontal scale assault. I guess I'll just work on the eating (it's getting a little easier as I'm able to gradually participate more in the food preparation) and get to the scale later.
Been feeling blue off and on (especially at night when Mark's at the store). I try not to take it all so seriously, knowing this is both part of the physical part of recovery, and as my husband pointed out, of course I'd feel blue, it sucks that this is my 12th big surgery (most of which have happened in the past 10 years). Yes, I AM tired of this! Everybody telling me I'm doing awesome doesn't really make me feel awesome (though I appreciate the effort).
Let's see. I've had major surgery (we won't even count the many icky, awful procedures like epidural spinal shots and esophageal scopes--yeah, those are nine kinds of fun and no lie): 1970 (born blind and cross-eyed), 1985 (more eye), 1992 (That one took me out and made it so I couldn't graduate college on schedule; I had to drop out six weeks before graduation; and on what would have been my graduation day, I was recovering from my first back surgery.). THEN: 2001 (emergency c/s under general anesthetic--missed my only child's birth), 2002 (gall bladder), 2003 (back), 2003 again (knee--that was a banner year), 2007 (hiatal hernia), 2008 (thoracic outlet syndrome); yeah, I had 2009 "off" from surgery, but I miscarried my twin babies and my mother died four months later--one doesn't just shake that off; 2010, 2011, 2012 (back x 3). And there's the other non-surgical stuff, the chronic fatigue, the weird endocrine/weight stuff that's a neverending battle with no end in sight. So yeah, the novelty has worn off. Have I not given enough? Is there an end to this?
Ok, enough self pity. I agree. It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm not. I have a great life. I love my family and friends, my home, my town, my pets, and lots of things. Life really is a great and beautiful thing. I'm just feeling a bit wounded at the moment.
Time for a cup of tea and a vigorous round of blessing counting. Cheers!
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