Addendum

Keeping in the theme of, “My life sucks rocks right now,” I thought of the other thing that happened over the winter that hit me hard.  Well, it happened in autumn, but I only heard about it recently.  One of my best high school friends passed away.  She was my age, and visibly a lot more healthy than I am.

 

If you know me at all, you’ll know I tend to take things to heart.  Sure, I’m much more centered and functionally mature than I was in my teen years, but I still do.  Anyway, after high school, all my friends scattered to the four winds: this was not my idea.  I’m good at keeping in touch.  Many, if not most people, aren’t.

 

There wasn’t Facebook or email then, so it was harder.  That being said, a few friends broke my heart by their absence after we all went to different colleges and onto different lives.  One of them I never heard from again, one of them, I hooked up with a few years back and she has since disappeared from my life again (Apparently, this is our pattern and I should expect another heartbreak from her in about 30 years), and one of them…died.

 

What’s weird about it is, I never did look her up on FB, still a little bit of hurt and resentment that hung on.  Then, recently, her name flittered across my brain and I realized I wasn’t hurt or angry with her anymore.  I outgrew it, maybe.  And I thought that I’d look her up and send a friend request.  That I was over the disappointment, and would sure like to know her as an adult, as she was a unique person—full of humor, and life, and joy, and that even having her in my life peripherally would be cool.

 

And, to my shock and horror I read she had died a few months ago.  She was a teacher of young children, and had a massive stroke at school.  She was on life support for awhile, when her parents and husband were forced to admit that it was over, and cruel to forcibly keep her tethered to life, and let her go.

 

Now I have to let her go, too.  And make peace with the realization that I could have shared in her life again if I had of been more forgiving of the pain she caused me a couple of decades ago.  My loss.  And there’s been too much loss for me lately.

Today, I’m home sick with a migraine, while my husband and daughter are having a fun afternoon at the park, then having an early dinner at Grandpa’s house.  Don’t worry—I told them it was cool to go—the quiet will help my brain calm down the rest of the way so I can hopefully resume normal Spring Break family activities tomorrow, but I still feel frustrated this happened.

 

They took our dogs (who have been beyond bored all day) and I was thinking about how great it would be to cuddle up on the couch with my cat.  Three weeks ago today she disappeared without a trace.  And I miss her so much.